Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Lunn Htar Moe
Name: LoonMoe
Joined: May 11, 2020
Last Post: May 20, 2020
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: Myanmar
School: Good Success

Displayed posts: 7
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Lunn Htar Moe   
May 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / The advantages and disadvantages of living in the modern world [4]

I will not mention the grammar error anymore because you already have the feedback.
Here, I would like to suggest that you should brainstorm and collect the ideas before you write an essay.
In this essay, I think you should present the advantages of the modern world more widely describing the living standard, the heath care system, the transportation system, the education nowadays and the communications,etc.

And for the drawbacks, you should provide as much information as you can such as pollution, the stressful-daily life, the competitive work style,etc.
Lunn Htar Moe   
May 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / Living in the urban areas may cause many awful effects on citizens' health and I am aware of it [4]

I think you should provide the facts in more detail and in attractively way using more vocabulary and academic words. You should provide the disadvantages of big cities with more ideas - the unhealthy food, the stressful work life and the transportation system,etc. I think you should not write the advantages of the bid cities because the question is only to focus on the bad side of the city. So, you should collected more information and describe it using more vocabulary and conclude your essay claiming whether you are agree or disagree.
Lunn Htar Moe   
May 20, 2020
Scholarship / Scholarship Essay for Australia Awards Q.2) How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [3]

Dear Mr/Ms. Holt,
I hope you have time to read my second essay.
Please kindly review and give me feedback for the Australia Awards.
Thank you in advance.

Q.2)

How will the proposed study contribute to your career?


Because of the military government, Myanmar Education system has been criticized for its low budget, low-quality management, non-updated curriculum and discriminated opportunity to get a quality education. I did not know exactly this heartbreaking fact of how education system ruins thousands of students emotionally and technically until I became a teacher. When I was teaching my students, most of the students have no interest in their subjects and some do not even know what their passion is and are unaware of the power of education. I even had a student who wanted to commit suicide because of depression in her academic learning. After happening that accident in my school, I realize that our education system can neither provide a useful academic knowledge nor give a confidence, energy and hope to the students. I decided to broaden my knowledge and get higher degree so that I can save thousands of students' lives and dreams. The Master of Education - Leadership & Management curriculum will help me to change students' negative mindset and can make them dream big about the future. I also met a mother who drop out her son from school explaining with tears she did this because her son cannot get good grading. Using Psychological and techniques I learnt from the proposed course, I can also provide collaborative consultation to such parents who donot know how to raise their children to get the education of their children. I hope doing this can decrease the rate of drop-out students. As I will also use the methods and leadership skill that I learnt from the course to change the government's ineffective learning style in classroom by using curriculum which encourage on creativity, play, question and internet. . This course will allow me to support my students making them realize who they really are and who they want to be in life. As I also have a close contact with my students, I get to understand the discrimination they face by their teachers and by their students. I believe I can share many parents and teachers about child psychology and child right after graduating from this scholarship. Taking my master degree would not only benefit myself but also many teachers, students and parents across the country. A small plant can provide only a small shelter and small amount of fruits. I decided to be a great tree in which thousands of birds can rest, eat and have shelter.
Lunn Htar Moe   
May 20, 2020
Writing Feedback / Today parents spend little free time with their children. Why is it the case ? Who are more affected [3]

The facts that you mentioned in the essay are not strong enough to describe the disadvantages.You should provide more detail what can happen if the paerents didnot give enough time to their children, how much a child can affect emotionally and what can it lead in the future.

I think you should write the result of this more strongly and widely than the cause of it so that your essay would be more interesting.
Lunn Htar Moe   
May 14, 2020
Scholarship / Magister of Human Rights Law and Policy - AAS (Australia Award Scholarship) [3]

I think in this question, you do not need to answer in detail how do you know this scholarship. In my opinion, you should (1) start with your personal story why you apply this scholarship (which you did at the end of your essay). And you should (2) continue describing how your proposed course is important to your ethnic group or country. And then, you should (3) write what you can learn from this course in detail by adding how this course match with you personally and how this will benefit for your country. (4) You should also describe the ranking and the advantages of the university you chose. You should mention why you chose this university instead of any other university.
Lunn Htar Moe   
May 14, 2020
Scholarship / Assistant Principle - Scholarship Essay for Australia Awards How I chose propose course [3]

Q.1 )

How did you choose your proposed course and institution?



Growing up in a broken family, education has been my shelter to cover all of my unusual family background among my friends. I suffered a lot of discrimination in my childhood because divorce is not a common thing in Myanmar during at time. As I was an outstanding student in class, I could manage to overcome all these difficulties. And I got a scholarship for my matriculation exam which help my single father a lot. On the day I get my distinctions on matriculation exam, I decided to become a powerful educator in Myanmar to change thousands of students life as it had changed mine. I worked in Save the Children International earning my University fees. After I graduated, I left my well-paid job to become a teacher in my hometown as my childhood dream. I joined GOOD SUCCESS Boarding School becoming a teacher and Assistant Principal for 3 years. Within 3 years, I realize that my passion and sacrifices were not enough to make a great impact among students. Because I have a limited knowledge about education and have no educational degree which are the essential needs for my current job, I encountered some challenges in managing student's behavior, training the teachers and drawing effective curriculum, etc. As most of the students are from rural, conflict and least-developed area in the country, I knew that I needed a special knowledge to provide them a good environment and communication .To overcome all these challenges and to get higher education degree for the benefits of Myanmar students, I chose to study Master of Education (Leadership & Management) in Flinders University which match with my current job - Assistant Principle. As I am taking the leadership role in my school, I believe the course I chose would be so helpful to reform and change the school - to support students with learning difficulties, to give collaborative consultation, to support positive behavior in school compounds and I can also implement outside-school activities to promote students' interest in school subjects. I believe it will give me a solid understanding how to manage the school to be international standard. I hope my proposed course will open my eyes how to help students to achieve their life-long dreams. And, I would be able to train many teachers to be qualified and international standard teachers.
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