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The advantages and disadvantages of living in the modern world

phx 1 / 2  
May 16, 2020   #1

Modernity and its causes

Over the years, mankind has recognized that their word is developing more modern and convenient. Therefore, it is also the reason why many people are widely arguing that modern brings whether benefits or just drawbacks to their life.

First of all, It is maintained that the modern world makes our life condition is better and better. Thanks to the development and making progress continuous, nowadays people have access to the newest pieces of information from all over the world easily, conveniently and fairy. This means that every person all can keep pace with the vital changes minute by minute of the world. For instance, at the time when Corona Virus has outbroken, the media and the care of government have played an important role in providing pieces of information for every citizen regardless of their country, culture, and color of skin. For this reason, the pandemic has been prevented from widespreading quickly and complicatedly. In addition to this, people also have better treatment and might live longer. In other words, they can recover from their sickness, even in a critical condition, perfectly with the development of the medical industry.

While it can be denied that living in the modern world has many drawbacks. According to the recent report, the number of teenagers giving up studying or involving in illegal activities has been going up dramatically, which has made the quality of human-life go up. Not to mention that, the development of the internet has made more chances for cybercrime as well. For instance, the Nth room, is operated by Cho Joo bin, was caught posting sexual video into a private telegram or the fact that the hacker hacks your network account such as Facebook, Zalo, Tweeter, etc, then steals private pieces of information, threaten to post them if you don't give him/her money.

On balance, in the light of this envidence,it is clear that living in modern brings not only great benefits but also many drawbacks
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,669 4754  
May 16, 2020   #2
There are several prompts that can apply to your writing. Unless I know which specific prompt you are using, I cannot review your essay for task accuracy. Students are not allowed to provide the prompts in the essay thread for the OP. Only general comments and reviews can be made in your essay because of the lack of prompt and discussion requirements.

You definitely are a fast typist. You have proven that in this essay. However, typing 326 words does not impress the examiner because you typed fast, but failed to check your essay for errors in grammar and spelling. So, writing a long essay became futile because you did not ensure that you would leave time to edit, proofread, and content check your essay for accuracy. You would still get score lowering deductions. It is more important to write well, not write lengthily. Length does not equal perfect writing. Length normally indicates faulty writing because you did not allot time to review your essay within the 40 minutes allotted. All you needed to check the essay for content was 10 minutes towards the end of the writing time. Try that next time. Leave 10 minutes to review and edit your essay. You will spot correctable errors that could have lowered your potential score.

Spelling errors:
envidence = evidence
color = colour (UK spelling as opposed to American English)
widespreading = wide spreading

Grammar errors:

There is no such thing as widespreading. You wanted to say instead that "The pandemic has been prevented from spreading quickly..."
Use the space bar to separate word presentations. "Evidence,it" should be "evidence , it" .
World is where people live. Word is a is a unit of language. See the error you made that would definitely pull down your LR score?

If you say something can be denied, that means you are saying there is truth to an argument. However, your sentence indicates that you meant to say that "it CANNOT be denied" meaning there is a truth to an idea or presentation. Word choice matters in the presentation. The more errors you make, the lower your score becomes.

"According to a recent report" - Whose report? What date? When did you read it? Remember, these essays are based on personal experience and knowledge. Never refer to a report. You could instead use a topic sentence to indicate the information, without a source. The source isn't important but the presentation method signifies a better GRA score. You could go directly to: "the number of teenagers giving up studying or involving in illegal activities has been going up dramatically..." This presentation kicks off a clear topic sentence, without the confusion of your misrepresented opinion at the start. The topic is more important than the word fillers used.

You forgot that the conclusion requires you to present the topic restatement, discussion points, and final opinion. It is never a single sentence because you have to present the reverse paraphrase of the original discussion. That is at least 3 sentences long as well.
OP phx 1 / 2  
May 18, 2020   #3
Thank you for your reponse.
It has helped me a lot
Lunn Htar Moe 2 / 5 1  
May 20, 2020   #4
I will not mention the grammar error anymore because you already have the feedback.
Here, I would like to suggest that you should brainstorm and collect the ideas before you write an essay.
In this essay, I think you should present the advantages of the modern world more widely describing the living standard, the heath care system, the transportation system, the education nowadays and the communications,etc.

And for the drawbacks, you should provide as much information as you can such as pollution, the stressful-daily life, the competitive work style,etc.

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