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Posts by paradis_149
Name: Rowan HTN
Joined: Aug 2, 2020
Last Post: Oct 11, 2020
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  

From: Viet Nam
School: PK

Displayed posts: 9
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paradis_149   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / Single-gender vs. Mixed-gender schools [4]

Some People Think That It Is Better To Educate Boys And Girls In Separate Schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.



As educational systems have become so diverse, single-sex and mixed schools are established with different academic purposes. However, many people argue that children will perform better in separate schools, while others advocate the advantages mixed gender ones. The following essay will consider both sides and give my personal viewpoint.

On the one hand, it is believed that boys and girls would be more likely to reach their full potential in a single-gender academic environment. To begin with, they have better concentration in the class, thus can achieve higher grades in exams. Indeed, students would not be distracted by love fantasies of teenage or getting involved in immature relationships. Also, it is observed that teenagers tend to comply with shool regulations more when surrounded by same-sex peers. Moreover, increasing sexual misbehavior has been witnessed in many cases of assaults and inappropriate discrimination which occur in mixed-gender schools. Nevertheless, single-sex institutions contribute significantly to reduce the rate of those incidences, thereby create an unbiased environment for teens.

On the other hand, opponents prefer co-education schools for an array of beneficial aspects. The primary reason is that students can develop better communication with the opposite sex. The mutual interaction is of great importance in the sense that juveniles will learn to understand and respect the other gender in terms of biological and emotional sides. Furthermore, mixed-gender schooling system provides students with team-working or competition activities, which greatly enhances their interpersonal skills with the counterparts. Another positive point of this system is that it is less costly comparing to single-sex schools. Clearly, dividing boys and girls demands more educational expense on facilities, curriculums and other sectors as well.

In conclusion, both schooling systems have their own merits and play critical roles in educating and assisting children development. However, I am in favour of co-education schools on account of better interpersonal communication and lower expenditure in comparison to single-sex ones.

P/S: I am struggling with the length of this essay since it is more than 300 words (I don't know where to shorten more), also the structure and words usage. Please help me, thank you.
paradis_149   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / Should parents let their children decide the job they will do in the future? What's your opinion? [3]

For me this is more like a speech, not an academic essay. There are basic things you need to improve and revise.
First, there must be no contractions (like ''can't'') in an academic essay since it is formal writing.
Second, I think you are trying to express your ideas like you are speaking so there are several grammatical errors. To illustrate, you put "but" and at the beginning of a sentence, which is definitely inappropriate. Instead, you can use 'however' or 'nevertheless'. You also should use 'for this reason', 'therefore', 'thus',.... rather than "so" at the beginning of a sentence.

I will point out another sentence which contains grammatical error: "So, it is better to allow children to make ..."

-> For this reason, it is better for parents to allow children to decide their career choice rather than get involved and impose personal opinions on them"

I am still an amateur, but I hope this may help you somehow.
paradis_149   
Oct 11, 2020
Writing Feedback / The Dangers of Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids [5]

First, there must be no contractions (like ''couldn't'') in an academic essay since it is formal writing. Second, I think you should try to express your ideas in longer sentences with specific examples and academic words more, that will upgrade your essay a lot. For me this is more like a speech, not an academic essay.
paradis_149   
Sep 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / Some people think the money spent on developing technology for space exploration is not justified [3]

Some people think the money spent on developing technology for space exploration is not justified. They are more beneficial ways to spend this money.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



There have been endless arguments about the amount of money spent on outer space research. While I support the view that the investments given to these works should be allocated for other problems on Earth, I also agree that space exploration is essential and worth the cost.

On the one hand, space discovery is of importance in developing human's civilization. Indeed, studying about the zero-gravity space has expanded human's knowledge, contributing to the technological advancement. The most notable invention to illustrate that is satellites. Satellites communication has provided GPS and the weather forecast, two crucial tools that have been widely adopted in modern society. What's more, space exploration enables human beings to establish a new society on another planet, which would be a big leap in human's civilization. For these reasons, space studying is not a drain on the economy.

On the other hand, it is claimed that space research expense could be used more beneficially. In fact, human beings have been facing acute problems which require immediate actions. On this account, if millions of dollars were put into crop development, education or other pressing issues, a good many lives would be saved. In other words, these serious concerns cannot be ignored and less spent compared to space exploration.

To conclude, I believe space expedition work is essential and has benefited humanity, however, the money on these studies should be also invested into tackling global problems so as to maintain a balanced society development.
paradis_149   
Sep 22, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Opinion Essay - Language extinction [4]

"Secondly, extinction of any language would ..."

You can express this idea more clearly and smoothly without repeating any words:
Secondly, language extinction would eventually result in culture loss as many parts of the world would become identical, which even reduces the number of tourists visiting those nations.

Sorry I'm no professional, just leaving a comment so that I can get my essay checked <3
paradis_149   
Aug 2, 2020
Writing Feedback / Influence of human beings on the world's ecosystem is leading to the extinction of species and loss. [3]

human activities have made wildlife vulnerable



It is claimed that the global environment has been severely encroached upon by human's interference, which results in a mass extinction of species and biodiversity loss. These damage can be attributed to several reasons and there are also some possible solutions for the issue.

The two main causes of species' declines are habitat destruction and over-exploitation of natural resources. Firstly, clear-cutting for timber, farming land or urban expansion has done irrevocable damage to natural habitat. For example, it is reported that more than fifty percent of an original forest was converted to agricultural land by slash-and-burn. Moreover, if natural resources are seriously depleted, they will be degraded and running out. Consequently, different kinds of animals and plants will go extinct without human's recognition.

However, many conservation approaches can be adapted to improve the situation. The authorities should bring out policies and laws to ban over-exploitation and poaching to prevent wild species from dying out. Another important way to protect the ecosystem is promoting people's environmental conscience by informing about the dangers and threats to human beings caused by biodiversity loss.

In conclusion, human activities have made wildlife vulnerable and brought about the loss of biodiversity. Instead of worries or ignorance, people can gradually solve these issues by conservation and responsible awareness for environment.
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