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Posts by youngkim9193
Joined: Oct 27, 2009
Last Post: Jan 14, 2010
Threads: 4
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Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / U of Michigan. "My Life as a Dancer is Over." SETBACK. [2]

Thank you all in advance for reading my essay.
I feel like transition between 4th and 5th paragraph is quite awkward. Any thoughts?
Any comments and criticisms are welcome!

[A] Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

"Piqué and arabesque. Hold! One, two and arabesque penchée!" The voice of my ballet teacher, went through my ear with the music of Giselle. I was breathless and soaked with sweat, yet I did not want to stop dancing on the floor. I was too in love with dance.

Ever since I first grabbed the bar and learned grand plié as a seven years old girl, I immediately fell in love with dance. Once I was able to enter in the major class at my dance studio, I wanted to dedicate my life to dance and had my mind set on a dancing career. I had two hours of dance class six days a week and spent at least two or more hours at the studio after every class. My world literally revolved around dance and I thought it would never change.

Without warning, change all the sudden occurred with my back and Achilles tendon injuries. My doctor diagnosed me with Achilles tendonitis and scoliosis and strongly recommended that I stop dancing. His bold suggestion definitely worried my parents who were not supportive of dance from the beginning. I, however, was willing to endure the pain so I could continue dancing. After hours of crying and talking, I barely persuaded my parents to agree to a compromise in which I would take "a break" from dancing and focus on a physical therapy and acupuncture.

At that point, I was helpless. I felt as if everything was working against me. Even though I boasted that I could recover and return to the dance studio, I could sense it was the worst crisis of my life as a dancer. However, the crisis later turned out to be the golden opportunity to reflect me; I had to ask myself different questions about the future and avoid falling into despair or complaining about my situation. Do I really want to do dance for my rest of life? Is dance the thing I am the best at? Or is dance just something that I am obligated to? Once I started to look at dance in a different perspective, I surprisingly felt the freedom of choices. I felt as if so many other exciting doors were revealing to me.

Following the summer of 2006, I chose the most appealing door, going to America, and quit dancing of my will. It was shocking news for everybody and frankly I was anxious too about what would happen next. But here I am now in America learning and experiencing things that I would never have even imagined before. Through the unexpected, challenging set back, I have learned a lesson- I should never be afraid of change or opportunity though it might be difficult to break the old pattern of life. For many hardships that will come along for the rest of my life, I will not surrender to fear but take them as a chance to mature by remembering both ups and downs are elements of life that will shape me.
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chicken Curry Sushi" - my common app personal essay [8]

If I were you, I would cut this part and keep "Ban Ki Moon." (Since you are trying to cut down words..)

but it's only a suggestion and the essay is YOURS. :)

Good luck!
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chicken Curry Sushi" - my common app personal essay [8]

First, I really adore your essay. It definitely has your voice. Very interesting piece.
Overall very nice work!

But.. there are few parts I had hard time following.. .

Someday, before any of us gets married, we're going to go traveling around Europe on bikes with nice brown baskets attached to the front, each basket occupied by a sleepy parrot with feathers matching the color of our bikes. Until then, we really should stop thinking about marriage.

I see you are trying to describe your meaningful friendship here, but I personally think it is quite random..

Moreover, I am all ears for news, international affairs in particular. What decision would this country make at such a situation? Would they accept the deal?

Why do you have "all ears for news?" I think the essay will be better if you explain what led you to be interested in international affairs.

I hope my comment helps! :)
Good Luck!
Jan 13, 2010
Essays / how to write a graded analytical paper [4]

No, not a general essay. You need to submit a essay that analyzes the work of literature, including themes, characters, and etc.:)
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [9]

Thank you! yang
Here is another revised version..
I hope the first paragraph flows better now.

By learning the causes and cures of mental distress and how to create positive change, someday I hope to be a privileged participant in regaining peoples' pursuit of happiness.

Do you think it would be best to leave that sentence out?
By saying "pursuit of happiness," I meant that I hope to help people who are going thorough depression or trauma and get them back on the right track... through counseling and stuff that I will figure out by studying psychology...

and the essay is supposed to be around 250 words :)
Thank you again!
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [9]

Thank you guys in advance for reading my essay!
It has to be around 250 words, but I have 312 words. How can I cut down? or do you think 312 words are okay?
Thank you :)

College of Literature, Science, and the Arts (LSA): What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why?

"You are the first person I am telling this to," my friend said with a slightly trembling voice, breaking the silence. At that time I was sixteen years old, I had a naïve assumption that I could best help others if I have been through the same problems with them. Every time I had conversations with people, I would not only expose my painful memories but also exaggerate them to gain sympathy from them. It seemed like people had an easier time opening up me in this way.

When my friend shared that she was sexually abused by her neighbor when she was six years old, I soon realized my logic was wrong. Though she broke down in front of me because of anger and the fear of men, I could not say a word. The story was too painful and sensitive for me to pretend to understand her pain.

This experience of feeling helpless and witnessing suffering did not kill my passion of helping wounded people, but inspired it. I began to love to observe human interaction and to analyze the way people talk and react. I yearned to learn something universal to heal peoples' hearts. Psychology, my intended major, is a perfect match for both my interest and passion. I especially want to study trauma and healing so I can be "Quick-eyed Love," introduced in the poem Love, by George Herbert. I want to be "Quick-eyed Love" who can notice somebody's suffering and make him feel loved, welcomed, and worthy.
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / From one school to another...Why? [7]

Suddenly I had teachers thatwho were gay, others thatwho were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was a mind-blowing change from the bored teachers I was used to back home.

nicely written essay :)
i also love "I hate cantaloupe."
Jan 7, 2010
Scholarship / Essay in subjects in which you have excelled.To what factors do you attribute it [3]

Unlike my passPAST English teachers of my high school years, this teacher has made an extra effort to get through her students.

this teacher ⇒ You might want to mention your English teacher's name. I personally think it makes the essay more personal and real.
get through? I don't understand what you are trying to say. you mean get to know?

English for me has always been difficult subject to excel in

For me, English had always been...

This past semester it has been different, unlike in my other English classes I had trouble understanding English literature well. With a new teacher this school year, my teacher has helped me a lot. I have become a more open mind person I have actually made studying a habit for myself.

However, through the past semester with my new English teacher (I would put actual name), I have become a more open-minded person and made study habits.

I would put what kinds of study habit and how you are open-minded person.
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC: Extracurricular activity (Designing Costume) [5]

Thank you for the feedback!

Yes, I will definitely change "days" to "months." I did work on the project for three months. so it should work:)

anybody else, please?!
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC: Extracurricular activity (Designing Costume) [5]

I have exactly 300 words :)
I'll appreciate a lot for any criticism, suggestion or correction!
Thank you!!

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

At the end of August, 2008, Ms. Tiffany Cain, director of the OCS drama department, handed me the script, The Sequence. "This is for you," said Ms. Cain, "you can expand your imagination as far as you want!" As I read the script, I noticed the show was set in the future. It was intriguing news for me, the costume designer, because it meant there was no standard fashion style to confine me and I would be a pioneer guided by my own imagination.

Instinctively the idea of the costumes floated into my head: extraordinarily high fashion. However, when I showed designs to Ms. Cain, she said doubtfully, "I don't know how you will make them. You, however, are the designer." Reminded that all the responsibilities rest on me, I became hesitant about whether to keep the designs or to make them less complex. If I had rationally thought about it, the answer was obvious- downscale the designs, get merchandized patterns, and manipulate the patterns to the designs. Then the next three months would go smoothly! Yet, even for my own sake, I couldn't let go of the designs- I couldn't compromise myself for practicality and stability. I didn't want to miss an opportunity to expound my creativity.

After days of working, I found myself watching the thirteen conspicuous, completed costumes on the stage. My heart rapidly pounded with excitement from witnessing my actualized avant-garde designs, imagination in concrete form. Indeed, there was more than excitement. As head costume designer, I learned not to let myself be restrained by circumstantial obstacles, but to have a bigger dream. By reaching for this bigger dream, instead of settling down and avoiding risk, I could pull out all my potential and complete the project that nobody believed I was capable of at first.
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - extracurricular activiry-sustainable [4]

I have to always actively involved to seek for new point and come up with creative idea to drive our project going further because there was no a regular road to follow.

I have to be actively involved in seeking for new point and coming up with creative idea...

I think it is a decent essay, but if I were you, I would put what I have gained from participating in the sustainability group...

Good luck! :)
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :) [9]

I agree with timeturner36. Your essay is good but I think college will be looking for something you have done continuously, not something you did it for one time deal. If you have time, I will suggest for you to write about something that had an impact on you.

Good luck!
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret" [8]

Thank you for the response!

I was thinking the essay still answered the prompt, because I mentioned what I still don't know.

I still don't know if parents' secretive actions are the best things for children.

Should I emphasize it more to be clear?
Oct 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret" [8]

Essay is over "what don't you know?"

Please take a look and give me a constructive criticism.
(I think last paragraph doesn't flow well at all... I need help!)
(Also, it's about 600 words.. how can I make it to 500?)

There was a sudden silence in the room as soon as I walked in. For a few seconds, I felt as if everybody in the room -mom, dad, and I- stopped breathing. Despite mom's instant reaction to my entrance, I caught her odd behavior of thumbing through a phone book without looking at my eyes. Sitting also awkwardly at the edge of the bed, dad asked me how my day was with an artificial smile, which I could not stand. I stared at them with glaring eyes in an effort not to drop a tear. My throat tickled; I was inclined to yell that I was not okay, but no words came out of my lips. I shut the door and went straight to my bed. I heard mom calling my name, but I did not turn back.

This disturbing "conversation" occurred after mom got back from the emergency room. I knew she had been sick the past few nights. However, I did not know, as usual, what was happening with mom. Nevertheless, I still sensed there was something wrong because I heard suspicious whispers from my parents right before I opened the door.

Lying in my bed, I covered my eyes with one arm and took a deep breath. I had bitten my tongue so that my sobbing should be inaudible to my parents. I did not want my parents, especially mom, to know that I was worried about her. Once my heartbeat came back to its regular speed, I recalled the other time when I had no idea about mom's condition.

It was my first grade year. From what I remember, my parents and I looked around a nursery school where I was about to be sent for at least several months. After visiting the nursery school, I burst out crying because I felt like I was going to be abandoned at an orphanage. I had a valid reason to cry; my parents had never told me why I was going to live in a nursery school, separated from them. They had only told me that dad would visit me once a while. Although I resisted and dismissed the plan, I was sent to mom's friend and grandmother without explanation, for several months. Later, I found out indirectly that mom had had some kind of tumor in her ovary and gone through a major surgery. Up to this day, I still do not know whether her tumor was malignant or benign.

For my entire life, I have not known what mom goes through. But now that I am older, I understand mom keeps secrets from me out of love and a desire to protect me from anxiety. She wants to stand strong as a lighthouse beside me so that I can always fall back unto her when I am lost. I still don't know if parents' secretive actions are the best things for children. Because, regardless of parents' best intentions, excluding children from important family matters can create more pain or more confusion, especially for a child who is being moved around without much explanation. It can also cause children to close their mind to parents, thus losing a important adviser and companion in life. Nevertheless, mom's secret has taught me how to "read between the liens"- to understand situations and intentions without any direct communications. It allowed me to have capability to connect with others who use more indirect communication to express needs and desires. Mom's secret also has tested me and set a life goal for me: to become a proud daughter who can even embrace her mother's weakness and vulnerability.