Posts by Overwatch

Overwatch_UA

Aug 14, 2010

Graduate / MS in Banking and Finance SOP (too generic? any inconsistencies?) [4]

Thank you for feedback! Very helpful.
Ershad -- some good points there, thanks. Made me change some things.
Kevin -- yeah, that sentence got better =) And thank you for the compliment, it made me feel better.

Overwatch_UA

Aug 13, 2010

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ individuals VS groups of people in the significance of history study [5]

I can't review the whole thing, so I decided to look at parts 4-5-6. A few suggestions:

1. "Without dedication of processors in the war, it is still a distant dream that construct an independent nation; many present Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapidly economic development and technological advancement; the hold city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing, neither. "

I don't know what "processors" means, but I'll try to revise the sentence anyway.

"Without dedication of processors in the war an independent nation would have still been a distant dream, many Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapid economic development and technological advancement, the host city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing. "

"Neither" kinda doesn't feel right here. I also didn't cut any content -- just revised it. The sentence is obviously rather long. Maybe squeeze "rapid economic development and technological advancement" into "rapid development". Everybody gets the idea and the sentence becomes easier to digest.

2. "Every important individual like them left a footprint in history, their numerous footprints constitute the path of human history development."

3. "It is Mao Zedong, the individual leaded Chinese people got the victory of Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement which results in the development of China left fifty years behind the situation without that."

I did get the idea of this sentence, but it really needs revising. Something like:

"It is Mao Zedong, the individual that led Chinese people to victory in the Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement resulting in fifty years worth loss for China's development ."

Still feels somewhat cumbersome, but it's an improvement, I guess.

An overall advice:
You seem to have a passion for long sentences =) They are ok if your story is just several sentences long. But I felt exhausted after reading your writing. The first sentence killed me from the start, for example.

You should try to break down SOME of them (...long -- a few short ones -- longer one again -- shorties follow...), so the reader's brain gets a rest from time to time and doesn't get overloaded.

Well, that's an IMHO, maybe you're supposed to write in such a complex manner for "GRE analytical writing". I don't know much about GRE. Hope this helps.

Overwatch_UA

Aug 11, 2010

Graduate / MS in Banking and Finance SOP (too generic? any inconsistencies?) [4]

I only had a few days to do this SOP (so-o-o typical, I know). In my case I don't need to draw attention with something eccentric in my essay. I have to be rather conservative.

After spending so much time with this blob of text I can no longer judge it properly. Please, help me out. Does it sound generic? Any inconsistencies? Any input will be much appreciated.

Statement of Purpose / Intention:
(Your purpose in applying to the program chosen, explaining your motivation as well as the areas of specialization which would be of interest to you within the discipline)

"Get real, this programming thing is not for you!" Some of my teachers at junior high school thought there was no way I would do well on computer programming elective course I took, because my specialization was humanities. Our class was great at English and French, but nowhere nearly as good at math or physics. Still, my results turned out to be on par with kids considered math pundits of our school. Now programming is the skill that sets me apart from my fellow students and makes me a much more valuable professional. I have got a diploma project up my belt on implementing automation tools for measuring software metrics and have just finished my other diploma project on using Bayesian Belief Nets for software projects evaluation.

A confidence boost? For sure. A lesson learned? A definite "yes". Turns out, if you just go and do it, things will happen!

Now that I have graduated from the Ukrainian Academy of Banking pursuing MS in Banking and Finance is the next "go and do it" for me. Obviously, I do have a tilt towards computer technology and IT for me comes before economics. I understand, however, that technology on its own is nothing. It has value only if properly applied. It is exactly the Banking and Finance domain for which I want to provide solutions. Risk assessment and decision analysis is the specific subject I have interest in, as it is connected with my previous work on Bayesian Nets. There is still work to be done in the field, judging by the recent collapse of financial institutions.

I believe being dedicated not to just one field is crucial, as working on interdisciplinary intersections yields far better results. And I think this is my advantage.

Because of my everlasting interest in learning and using English, resulting into constant exposure to Western culture, I have developed a much more cosmopolitan mindset, which also helped me develop interpersonal skills. My IT expertise lies within quite a wide range - from software engineering to networking, to statistical packages (Statistica, MathCAD, etc.). My background in economics gives me understanding of events and situations from an economist's point of view, as well as provides me with useful tools for problem solving.

Being an expert in any of those three directions alone is good - fluency in foreign languages and good communication skills give you an edge, IT professionals are always in demand too, good economists are sought after as well. To have all those skills come and work together makes you different. "Take it to the next level" different. And I plan on reaching that level.

Having spent my summer school time at EMU, specifically at the Banking and Finance department, I feel this place can help me follow my vision.

At EMU I want to team up with people from other departments to continue my previous work - build technology based on Bayesian Belief Nets for enabling proper risk-analysis. This project will let me build my portfolio and gain professional experience sought by employers... or maybe it will turn into a fully-fledged software package of its own? Who knows?

You cannot know for sure without trying.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 9, 2009

Graduate / Opinions on Narrative Essay (finance). Does my paper answer the prompt? [10]

Hello, FredMax!

1) I think its flow is ok. Essay's not very long and elaborates on only a few things, so it's easy to follow.
2) Yes, but not fully. I think you were too brief on "academic goals and professional goals". Briefness wouldn't have been that much of a problem, if you were more specific and concrete. "Better my career and improve my leadership skills" -- this is very general and I think you need to avoid that. Maybe try to describe a particular position you would like to obtain after getting MS degree, mention a research field etc.

3) The opening paragraph is rather uninspiring. Paragraph with the first example is very wordy.
4) Didn't think so.
5) In my opinion -- yes. You're too focused on the story and facts surrounding it. Only a few sentences portray the actions you took and actually tell about moments where you acted as a leader. There's some things you should cut there, I think.

6) It's perfect! It's very dense and most informative. I liked it the most. It shows examples of your responsibilities as a leader and shows how this made you better. Excellent!

Overwatch_UA

Nov 9, 2009

Graduate / 'I was born in a small town in central Iran' - SOP at Computer Science [8]

Hard to advise smth without knowing the exact question for your SOP. Also, is there any other essays you have to send along with this one?

On the grammar side I have a few suggestions for you though:

It continued in this way un til I reached ~~the~~ high school and faced ~~with~~ the great contest for university entrance.

...in this contest and to enter a top university.

...I faced with an environment that was quite different from my high school.

...performance during the first semesters at the university.

...it fitted my desire: to know many different areas... - it seems to be better without this colon.

...devised new ones that were well suited for our problem.

...from the first classes I created in C++ in early high school, up un til my work as a developer...

...I was better able to write good programs and to debug a code in little time.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 8, 2009

Graduate / Pls Review "Motivation for Application and Career Goals" essay for NUS [4]

Hello, GUANIE LIM!

1) everything seems logical and connected, you've explained your main points and statements thoroughly, I didn't notice any inconsistencies;

2) part1 definitely felt smooth, it was easy to follow and understand, I enjoyed reading it;
I read through part2 several times already and it seems ok now. But I know I felt somewhat lost and confused when I've read it the first time. You should probably tweak it some more.

3) absolutely

4) hm-m-m-m-m, nope! I didn't think "fake" about any of your pieces at all. Well, maybe that's because I'm naive =) Otherwise, I got the impression you were dead serious about everything.

Overall, you did a good job! There are some mistakes and weird sentences though. If you're still in the revising, reorganizing, rebuilding and cutting/pasting phase, there's no use in pointing them out just yet. But if this is almost final, you might want to apply some polish! I will point out those weak places, if you want me to.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / Tell us something about yourself - Essay [9]

Okay! I'll have a look and try to give some feedback. (sashapol87@mail.ru)

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / Essay on Team-based MBA [5]

About clubbing the two -- I don't think you should.

Each of those paragraphs has a primary thing -- a moment from your life, an experience that you are proud of, a definite accomplishment. If needed, it might actually be expressed in just one sentence. Everything else, that supports the story and allows you to describe this experience, is secondary. I think you can identify those "supporting" bits of the story which don't necessarily enhance the overall flow and quality of the story. I think it's wrong to throw out some core pieces, when you can just get rid of something secondary.

Actually, if you go through your whole essay with this in mind, you'll probably go from 800 words you have now to under 500.

And yes, I wanted to suggest to put your teammates there too.
If members of my current team and I are so different, living in one city, sharing similar culture and being of almost same age, then I wonder how diverse my team at X will be! People from different countries having different working styles, personalities, cultural biases and millions other things different. -- how about that? Seems to read a lot easier.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / SOP for Muskie Graduate Program [6]

Thank you for your valuable feedback, Kevin and tjchenfeng!!!

I tried to work out a solution, but I couldn't make it fit because of time constraints. Oh, the deadlines! =) So I had to send it the way it was. I'll try to rework it for my other applications. I've got some ideas along the lines of what you suggested, Kevin! You made up a cool example! =)

And thanks for those flattering words, tjchenfeng! Glad you liked my essay!

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / Pls evaluate SoP for MS in Comp SC [4]

Hi!

I agree with durian. You need to add a spark into your sop. It shouldn't turn into a resume with a list of jobs, projects and responsibilities. In its current form your sop won't make you stand out, even though you have lots of great accomplishments and experiences.

Think of how to tell the same story of working at X as a life-changing experience of some sort.

Note that sop isn't a place for tech details and you've got plenty of those =)

You probably need to read more examples of creative and successful essays to inspire yourself. That way you'll try to think of your past and current experiences from a different angle; and you'll become able to portray those in an interesting way.

I really liked some of these: infozee/application-issues/sample/sample-essay-mba.htm

Good luck!

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / Tell us something about yourself - Essay [9]

Hello!

If you have a liking for the first one, why don't you write about it and try to weave painting and Yoga into it? You can say how painting and Yoga helped you overcome your hardships, how they drive you and inspire you, letting you look at problems from different angles etc.

If these things are a huge part of your life, I'd include them all. 500 words aren't that few. You should try to tell as much as possible about yourself, so if I were you I wouldn't limit myself to just one thing. Especially if you're thinking about throwing out things you're passionate about =) When people write about things they care about it always turns out more vivid.

Good luck!

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / Essay on Team-based MBA [5]

Good opening paragraph! Really liked it. You also did well in showing your relevant accomplishments.

Your essay is hard to read in some places, you really need to apply some polish to it.

I think it's okay to mention male ego as an issue since you're not trying to generalize, instead you're just saying you had do deal with male ego in this particular situation.

A few suggestions below. I'm no expert in English, so my suggestions might be faulty.

Ants in a group can be monstrous ( remember those red rashes on your hands?) , tigers hunt...
...can one be called a leader, without a team or a group of people?
Knowing that if my career graph has to take that perfect curve I want it to and that leaders are born from teams, I have to first learn to be effective working in diverse teams. -- very long. I stumbled and reread 2 times to get it. I think you might want to rewrite this sentence.

I am applying for a team-based MBA also because until now... I would convert "also" in this sentence into "Another reason for applying..."

I began my career by joining a team...
I could not question both of them for such behavior, nor could I
But I had to find a way out if I wanted to make my 8 hours in the office happy and comfortable.
Can you perform well in a team , when you are feeling out of place, constantly thinking why did this person say this or that, why am I not given x responsibility but she has been given etc?

He simply would not cooperate with the team in any way .
I had the perfect there... -- smth's missing here.
Even though my nature lets me seamlessly adjust to the team, at Queen's I believe I will have to face a completely different set of challenges.

If my mother and I are so different, being in the same country, same house, same atmosphere, then I wonder how diverse the team I will work with at X will be - p eople from different countries, with different working styles, personalities, cultural biases etc, but with a common team goal. -- this sentence is very strange. "but with a common team goal" -- seems out of place here. You might want to move this observation into a separate sentence. It doesn't match with the purpose of contrasting in this sentence.

It also felt strange you'd use "my mother and I are so different" example, if you've already told how you worked in a team elsewhere. It's hard to explain, but it feels wrong in here.

I am excited to know!

Hope this helps.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 5, 2009

Graduate / SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management [9]

This is an answer to your previous post (before you edited it).

I decided to try "cut" your two paragraphs without actually "cutting them out". Here's what I managed to get:

"The undergraduate curricula in Tongji University introduced me to Civil Engineering, but namely construction engineering made me delve deeper. I even attended a minor study on construction management during my spare time, exposing myself to advanced construction management theories, like "lean construction".

At East China Structure Competition I was assigned to design a wooden tower crane with two partners, which helped me apply my knowledge in practice. Struggling to connect wood components firmly, finding ways to reduce weight with an acceptable suffer in resistance etc, using "proposal-discussion-improvement-application" scheme, helped me to develop independent thinking and problem solving skills."

It's 98 words long (instead of 156) and it seems to capture everything you wanted to say. It took me some time to rewrite it, but it's absolutely possible to make it 30% shorter! I did the same thing with my essays. I wrote everything I wanted to say and then tried to make it a lot more dense and concise. It's two separate processes. First you write'n'edit and then you crunch'n'polish it =). I think even if you have a 1300 word essay you can probably make it into 900-1000 with some effort.

If you take a break from your essay for a few hours or even a day, and then try to rewrite it to be shorter, it'll be a lot easier to do. You might even start to notice facts that are less important and could easily be thrown away.

It's okay to have many things to mention. It's also okay to pick things you consider THE best and cut other ones out.

As for mentioning work of certain professors, you should do it if you actually found someone's work to be interesting and it's the direction you might be taking in the future. It shows you researched for this uni in particular. It also explains what makes you want to get in this uni and makes you stand out in the crowd, who all sent a "general" essay. And no, I don't think "I like prof A's work" somehow reads as "I don't like prof B's work" =) I think it just shows direction of your professional interests.

Overwatch_UA

Nov 4, 2009

Graduate / SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management [9]

You shouldn't throw out rock climbing! It's am amazing piece. Very powerful, tells the judges about yourself, portrays your personality and it's connected with your profession. I think it fits perfectly well. From a "blueprints and pencils" guy you suddenly become a "manly" kind of guy.

This paragraph, "handling an emergency" and "Hangzhou subway" paragraphs are the best. They make me consider you as a special and unique candidate. AND they're interesting to read.

I felt bored when I read through the beginning (before acrophobia), but I felt "dragged in" more and more as I continued to read. If this was your initial plan, it worked on me. Still, I think you need a powerful beginning. It's possible judges wouldn't even get to those excellent parts you've got later on.

Maybe you could somehow fit rock climbing into the beginning and connect it with what Kevin said (what you hope to do with your life). Although this might create a void in the middle, so I'm not completely sure it's the right call. Maybe there is other powerful experience you had that you can put in the beginning.

The ending feels very generic. You definitely need to spice it up. You might want to adjust it to every specific uni you'll be sending this essay to. You can say how work of a certain professor of this uni interests you and is connected with what you've been up to.

There are also several places where you need to use a more formal style (like "thanks" in the end).

In short, you have lots of great things to tell about yourself, they make you stand out, but your sop's weak points are the beginning and the end (imho). Other than that, excellent work!

Overwatch_UA

Nov 1, 2009

Graduate / SOP for Muskie Graduate Program [6]

Thank you so much for your reply and advice, Kevin! Your compliment pumped me up quite a lot, thank you for that too =)

The thing with Muskie program is that applicants can't choose which university they get into. So I can't address a particular uni.

I forgot to mention there's also a Program of Study essay, so I don't have to list research topics, detailed academic interests etc in here.

As for the first paragraph I didn't want it to start answering the "essay question" directly. I wanted this paragraph to just be interesting to read (maybe evoke emotion) and tell something about myself. I hoped depiction of this moment would make the reader think "Hm, that's nice and unusual, maybe I shouldn't just throw this app away and I should read a little bit more". Also, football is a huge part of my life and this event is rather powerful (at least for me and my consequent life), so starting with something I care about seemed appropriate.

There's another reason to not answer the essay question in the beginning. If the judge thinks he "GOT IT" and the beginning gave him understanding of what I'm trying to say throughout my essay, he might simply stop reading.

The outline I wanted to follow was this.
I wanted to show what drives me in life, tell about myself, show them who I am, let the judges get to know me, thus the first paragraph and the subsequent "school example". And then after that I wanted to make a transition (as smooth as possible) to my professional interests (third paragraph helps me with that). Here "me" and "my interests" interweave so it feels more organic. Later I wanted to connect them ("me" and "my interests") with the problems my country is suffering. I wanted that to flow further and explain my need to study abroad, with an explicit statement at the end (that way everything said above kind of supported and proved the statement is true and reasonable).

That way I get to show who I am and I'm answering the essay question in the end explicitly, with proof for my statement building up along the way. I think it makes the statement feel more powerful and backed up.

So if you consider all points above, is it really a problem that the first paragraph doesn't embody my statement of purpose? Maybe it's actually very important and I missed this critical point. If it's crucial I'll change it.

Also, I'm not a native speaker. So my English might be cranky here and there. I realize you probably won't be able to read and reply once more due to load you have. Well, if you do please show me those bad spots in the essay if you see them.

I'll definitely try contributing, by the way! I'm already enjoying reading all those essays, so giving feedback might turn out to be fun and useful too.

Overwatch_UA

Oct 30, 2009

Graduate / SOP for Muskie Graduate Program [6]

Hello, everyone! It's a great place here, glad I found it! I've read through many threads and found tons of useful info there. This helped me put together my own essay and I would really appreciate some feedback on it! Thanks in advance!

I am applying for Business administration, Management of information systems and technology Master's degree as part of the Muskie Graduate Fellowship Program. The essay is 894 words long.

Essay Question #1 - Statement of Purpose*
Please write an essay on why you want and need to study in the US at the graduate level, and how you hope to contribute to your country's democratic and economic development. Essay cannot exceed 1000 words.

Back when I was thirteen and loved football (soccer) more than Christmas and my birthday put together, I was part of a junior football team. I was a valuable player, but words like "prodigy" or "star" had nothing to do with me. There was a head juggling competition at a tournament once. No one was enthusiastic or confident enough from my team to take part, so coach let me participate. Many months went into perfecting the skill, so I juggled like a well-trained circus seal. Beating the best of the best and winning the contest, however, was absolutely unexpected both for me and everybody else. Everyone was awestruck. Neither my coach, nor my teammates knew I was actually that good. But what was most fascinating, I didn't suspect I was that good either.

This rather simple story is so important to me because I always come back to it when I doubt myself. It helps me find faith in myself, mobilize my inner resources to persevere and succeed. This story along with other ones would have been just that - a story, if it was not for the impact they made on me. They shaped my personality and brought me where I am today... and I am happy with myself, with the way I am.

Some of my teachers at school thought there was no way I would do well on computer programming course I took, because my specialization was humanities. Our class was great at English and French, but nowhere near as good at math and physics. Still, my results were on par with kids considered math pundits of our school. Now programming is the skill that sets me apart from other students and makes me a valuable professional. I have got a diploma up my belt on implementing automation tools for measuring software metrics and am doing research on using Bayesian belief networks for evaluation of software project costs. A lesson learned there.

I cannot say I am a perfectionist and take every single thing I do to the highest level possible. But things I care about, am passionate about, they do exceed expectations and shine crystal clear after I touch them. It is the computer systems related things exactly those that give me shivers, take me over and consume me completely. My IQ doesn't go off the chart, I had not programmed a Doom, Mathematica, Google search engine or any other masterpiece software by now, but this amazing realm of computer systems and I were simply made for each other. We're bound together. It is a life-long affection.

I want people to share my appreciation of all kinds of information systems. Not the irrational and unconditional love I have. No, that is not for any person out there. I want them to see how those systems make their lives easier, richer and make free room for more human activities to enjoy. Systems like Skype and Youtube (from consumer domain), SAP Business Suite and QAD Enterprise Applications (from enterprise domain) have made the impossible as simple and usual as buying a pack of chips. My goal is to drive this convergence further, build and manage systems that are more intelligent, easily understood by users and provide the most efficient solutions to arising problems.

Ukraine had slept away when the Internet infrastructure penetration in USA and Western Europe erupted in the nineties. Those were the "dial-up" times. When the broadband wave started, Ukraine joined the wagon. We went from "no internet" to "broadband internet in every home" in a matter of years. We skipped a stage, went from kindergarten straight to high-school. In much the same way information systems didn't get the attention they deserved in Ukraine either. I want to help make a similar warp jump for them. I want us to go from primitive software and mediocre staff to powerful systems and computer-savvy managers. I am certain this transformation will catalyze Ukrainian industry modernization, something we have been lacking for eighteen years of our country's independence. And this is where I come in. I want to play my part in it.

For my plan to come to fruition, I need to learn what made information systems function and evolve successfully elsewhere. What did developed countries do to stimulate and ease their propagation into every business? Understanding this is vital. This understanding, however, is more than a to-do list of measures and actions. It is a "how to work" philosophy, a certain vibe that is kept up in the community and cannot always be captured in words and phrases. I can read guidelines from books and websites. I can delve deeper and explore various conference materials, meet with foreign experts and ask them questions. It still will not be enough. The essence is not in certain solutions or techniques, but in the way of thinking. Understanding thus comes only after living and working in this environment, after experiencing all those thoughts, thinking processes and decisions that make up past and future success.

That is where it all comes together for me. Only after becoming a part of a leading academic community can I become a true expert in the field of information systems. This is what education in USA can provide me. Without it my personal experience is deficient and it will not be enough to accomplish goals I have set for myself.