apozzi
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
thanks again! =)
best of luck to you too
thanks again! =)
best of luck to you too
apozzi
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Thank you for correcting again =)
I think I'll just correct my mistakes and submit it!
Thank you for correcting again =)
I think I'll just correct my mistakes and submit it!
apozzi
Dec 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Thank you for your help...
I'll review my essay soon and post it again =)
have a great day
Thank you for your help...
I'll review my essay soon and post it again =)
have a great day
apozzi
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Chinese Cooking Master, What I did in the summer------Princeton supplement [8]
xugx29
Hey,
This is a very good draft to start composing your essay.
I like your point "the reason why I want to be able to cook". It catches the reader's attention. That's what they look for.
Personally, I would eliminate the titles of these three paragraphs.
I would start with " it was 97 degrees...", so you make clear it was summer, and also emphasize on your commitment. It was so hot but you did like to do that.
Afterwards in the second para, you can underline again your quality of being able to travel alone and for a long time, in order to pursue your dream.
College essay writing is about "selling yourself" so, I guess you have to show off a little bit.
Then, you may, once again, stress your commitment --"we started to squeeze the time to practice until 10 at night..", to show readers you were able to use your summer wisely, one more time.
So, you may basically show your good points, through describing your past summers and spring break. I guess it is a wise way to tie up your three paragraphs without going off topic.
Hope this helped =)
have a great day,
Alice
xugx29
Hey,
This is a very good draft to start composing your essay.
I like your point "the reason why I want to be able to cook". It catches the reader's attention. That's what they look for.
Personally, I would eliminate the titles of these three paragraphs.
I would start with " it was 97 degrees...", so you make clear it was summer, and also emphasize on your commitment. It was so hot but you did like to do that.
Afterwards in the second para, you can underline again your quality of being able to travel alone and for a long time, in order to pursue your dream.
College essay writing is about "selling yourself" so, I guess you have to show off a little bit.
Then, you may, once again, stress your commitment --"we started to squeeze the time to practice until 10 at night..", to show readers you were able to use your summer wisely, one more time.
So, you may basically show your good points, through describing your past summers and spring break. I guess it is a wise way to tie up your three paragraphs without going off topic.
Hope this helped =)
have a great day,
Alice
apozzi
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Hey guys,
I like posted this thread twice, because I made a mistake and posted it in ESSAY writing feedback.. So, I am sorry if I seem repetitive..
CAN YOU HELP ME CORRECTING My Supplemental for Rhodes?
They look more like "answers" than "essays", but still I need your help for any grammatical mistake.
MANY THANKS!!!
How were you influenced to apply to Rhodes?
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of European students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of losing me.
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't just have accepted what I decided on, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Why are you applying to Rhodes?
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life. However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search" turns into a daunting process. You have to arrange the pros and cons of your first-choice colleges, to think about what is good and what you don't like.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a college trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officers to show my interest. However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
That was when I came across a Rhodes student's review. It was by chance, but I couldn't ignore it. It said: "the teachers are great, they would help you achieve whatever you set your mind to." Rhodes teachers believe in you and help you live up to your full potential. I realized that, considering it is hard to studying in a foreign country, it would be easier for me to be helped by approachable teachers, the kind I would only be able to find find in such a close-knit college. I looked back at my list, and found it hard to feel that same certainty in the other schools on my paper. Suddenly, my pros and cons seemed unimportant to me.
However, I knew it was way too risky to rely solely on a student's comment to make a school your new first-choice college. That is why I started surfing the net in search of information about Rhodes College. I discovered it to be not only the close-knit school I was looking for, but also a top-tier, high-ranked school, which would be perfect for my pre-medical studies. Also, it was a plus point for the school to be located in Memphis, which plays an important role in medicine. Yes, it may be true that I have never visited Rhodes College, but no other school was able to bring me the same satisfaction.
Hey guys,
I like posted this thread twice, because I made a mistake and posted it in ESSAY writing feedback.. So, I am sorry if I seem repetitive..
CAN YOU HELP ME CORRECTING My Supplemental for Rhodes?
They look more like "answers" than "essays", but still I need your help for any grammatical mistake.
MANY THANKS!!!
How were you influenced to apply to Rhodes?
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of European students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of losing me.
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't just have accepted what I decided on, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Why are you applying to Rhodes?
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life. However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search" turns into a daunting process. You have to arrange the pros and cons of your first-choice colleges, to think about what is good and what you don't like.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a college trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officers to show my interest. However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
That was when I came across a Rhodes student's review. It was by chance, but I couldn't ignore it. It said: "the teachers are great, they would help you achieve whatever you set your mind to." Rhodes teachers believe in you and help you live up to your full potential. I realized that, considering it is hard to studying in a foreign country, it would be easier for me to be helped by approachable teachers, the kind I would only be able to find find in such a close-knit college. I looked back at my list, and found it hard to feel that same certainty in the other schools on my paper. Suddenly, my pros and cons seemed unimportant to me.
However, I knew it was way too risky to rely solely on a student's comment to make a school your new first-choice college. That is why I started surfing the net in search of information about Rhodes College. I discovered it to be not only the close-knit school I was looking for, but also a top-tier, high-ranked school, which would be perfect for my pre-medical studies. Also, it was a plus point for the school to be located in Memphis, which plays an important role in medicine. Yes, it may be true that I have never visited Rhodes College, but no other school was able to bring me the same satisfaction.
apozzi
Dec 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / Change one thing about education in VietNam [8]
I'll now copy and paste what you've written -- without adding my previous corrections, just to lay out the paragraphs.
Stepping into the 21st century, Vietnam's educational system has undergone years of renovation to help educating people better. Although numerous achievements have done, the education of our country is still weak in quality,unbalanced in structure,the education is not linked strongly with practice,the training is not linked with employment,teaching staff is still weak,etc. If I could change a factor of Vietnam's educational system,it would be teaching methods.
Great! you posted your problem, and you have your thesis. Afterwards, you have to stick to this point of view. Your thesis is: teaching methods have to change.
So, you basically have to focus on who is responsible for this situation, why it has to change and how it is possible to change it.
From what I've understood what you want to say, you would basically say:
Why? "it's impossible to go on this way, because students are passive"
Who? "the blame should be put mainly to the teachers, whose teaching method consists of
reading the lesson aloud..."
How? "new teaching methods are have being applied in a lot of schools..."
After those paragraphs, you would get to the conclusion paragraph which can contain, like you did, students review. You would emphasize on their being glad of the new teaching methods. This way you will strengthen your thesis.
To sum up,
THESIS PARAGRAPH ( yours is ok)
WHY PARAGRAPH
WHO PARAGRAPH
HOW PARAGRAPH
CONCLUSION PARAGRAPH (recollect your students' reviews)
Hope this helped.
=)
Alice
I'll now copy and paste what you've written -- without adding my previous corrections, just to lay out the paragraphs.
Stepping into the 21st century, Vietnam's educational system has undergone years of renovation to help educating people better. Although numerous achievements have done, the education of our country is still weak in quality,unbalanced in structure,the education is not linked strongly with practice,the training is not linked with employment,teaching staff is still weak,etc. If I could change a factor of Vietnam's educational system,it would be teaching methods.
Great! you posted your problem, and you have your thesis. Afterwards, you have to stick to this point of view. Your thesis is: teaching methods have to change.
So, you basically have to focus on who is responsible for this situation, why it has to change and how it is possible to change it.
From what I've understood what you want to say, you would basically say:
Why? "it's impossible to go on this way, because students are passive"
Who? "the blame should be put mainly to the teachers, whose teaching method consists of
reading the lesson aloud..."
How? "new teaching methods are have being applied in a lot of schools..."
After those paragraphs, you would get to the conclusion paragraph which can contain, like you did, students review. You would emphasize on their being glad of the new teaching methods. This way you will strengthen your thesis.
To sum up,
THESIS PARAGRAPH ( yours is ok)
WHY PARAGRAPH
WHO PARAGRAPH
HOW PARAGRAPH
CONCLUSION PARAGRAPH (recollect your students' reviews)
Hope this helped.
=)
Alice
apozzi
Dec 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / Change one thing about education in VietNam [8]
Hey,
I can't question your writing paragraphs and the content, because I don't know if this is supposed to be an academic essay or a newspaper article.
Here you go what I got:
Although numerous achievements have been done
the education in our country is still weak in quality,unbalanced in structure,the education is not linked strongly with practice. Further more , the training is not linked with employment; in other words, teaching faculty is still weak.
Vietnamese educational system;Vietnam'sVietnam is not a person. I don't think you can use the possessive saxon genitive with things.
According to her
for hundreds of years our education has applied
They have no courage to ask for more information even when theythey have something do not understandhaven't understood something.This fact shows the fear of expressing their own viewpoints.
That is because if their viewpoints are wrong, teachers may regard them depending on theirs.In other words, they are afraid the teachers would judge and criticize them if they are wrong.
Teachers of course should be responsible for these unless they change the traditional teaching methodThe blame of this problem should be put on the teachers and their teaching methods;lesson is read aloud , and students write down their text.
It's time this situation changes.
In order to change the attitudes of students from being passive to active, teachers will have to change teaching method.
It is better to eliminate redundancy. You don't want to be too wordy =)
new teaching methodsarehave being applied in a lot of schools
Class is divided into three or four groups which do the tasks the teacher orders. The teacher..
to help students being more active, building some essential skills such as teamwork, and the ability of management, and social communication skill,etc.
forby themselves
That's all I guess...
Have a great day =)
Alice
Hey,
I can't question your writing paragraphs and the content, because I don't know if this is supposed to be an academic essay or a newspaper article.
Here you go what I got:
Although numerous achievements have been done
the education in our country is still weak in quality,unbalanced in structure,
Vietnamese educational system;
According to her
for hundreds of years our education has applied
They have no courage to ask for more information even when they
It's time this situation changes.
It is better to eliminate redundancy. You don't want to be too wordy =)
new teaching methods
Class is divided into three or four groups which do the tasks the teacher orders. The teacher..
to help students being more active, building some essential skills such as teamwork, and the ability of management, and social communication skill,etc.
That's all I guess...
Have a great day =)
Alice
apozzi
Dec 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Three Words That describe me - For BU and Yale [6]
Howdy raven, good job you did!
You wrote on my thread my essay was great, but hey, I guess they'd pick yours :)
Congrats, and BEST OF LUCK!
Alice
Howdy raven, good job you did!
You wrote on my thread my essay was great, but hey, I guess they'd pick yours :)
Congrats, and BEST OF LUCK!
Alice
apozzi
Nov 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay "Do you like to eat out or eat at home?" [5]
Well, actually I hadn't finished the correction. Anyway, you guess it's pretty the same later on.
I am just glad to help out =)
See you next time, have a great one.
Alice
Well, actually I hadn't finished the correction. Anyway, you guess it's pretty the same later on.
I am just glad to help out =)
See you next time, have a great one.
Alice
apozzi
Nov 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay "Do you like to eat out or eat at home?" [5]
Hi... these are my suggestions:
I'd change "food stall" with "fast food".
ButI would still prefer ... well, I suggest you don't start the sentence with BUT. In fact, since you're writing a TOEFL essay, you are required to be formal, and to use transictions .
I'd say "However, I prefer..:"
Although the restaurants servesthe food in an appealing garnishing manner, but the major concern is the hygiene we don't know wheter it is actually fresh or not. The restaurant food may or may not be the fresh food,Moreover , it may be cooked with unhygienic manner. But by seeing the decoration no one understands the bad aspest of that foodAs a result, it is better to prepare food at home, where we can make sure everything is clean.
Hi... these are my suggestions:
I'd change "food stall" with "fast food".
I'd say "However, I prefer..:"
Although the restaurants serves
apozzi
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / BU admission Supplemental Essay 2010. [7]
Thank you Kevin. I hope so, too!
I like this forum, congrats.
Hava a great day!
Thank you Kevin. I hope so, too!
I like this forum, congrats.
Hava a great day!
apozzi
Nov 7, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should higher education be available to all students? [3]
Well, the content's ok.There are a few mistakes, though.
Here we go
many opportunities tolearninglearn
Firstly, it is difficult for students to get into universities, because training in a university requires many resources which are limited
In addition to that , every students must compete each other
classifying students to choice good student for high education is necessary.
You lost me here. I can't understand this sentence. What do you want to say?
To take part in a university, to get into a university
and the result of that exam basically reveals the student's academic backgroundis basic of evaluating good students who achieve high marks
The advance program ask students must have some skills such as: logical thought, work and research independently, create, As a result, only good student have ability to respond to these requirement.
There it is my version:
Universities also offer advanced programs, whose prospective students are supposed to have some skills such as: logical thought, work and research independently, creative spirit.
As a result, only good studenthave ability are able to respond to these requirement.
In conclusion, education is important to every student, they need to be having change to pursue learning.I can't understand what you are saying.
HOPE to have helped out. =)
Well, the content's ok.There are a few mistakes, though.
Here we go
many opportunities to
Firstly, it is difficult for students to get into universities, because training in a university requires many resources which are limited
In addition to that , every students must compete each other
classifying students to choice good student for high education is necessary.
You lost me here. I can't understand this sentence. What do you want to say?
and the result of that exam basically reveals the student's academic background
There it is my version:
Universities also offer advanced programs, whose prospective students are supposed to have some skills such as: logical thought, work and research independently, creative spirit.
As a result, only good student
In conclusion, education is important to every student, they need to be having change to pursue learning.I can't understand what you are saying.
HOPE to have helped out. =)
apozzi
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / If today was my last day - Common App Essay [20]
Admission officers are way too bored by all the "typical" essays ( I do include mine ). Don't worry about offending any of them too much. Yes, it's pretty informal, but they're going to end up delighted and fascinated, 'cause it's really original and witty.
Go for it =)
Admission officers are way too bored by all the "typical" essays ( I do include mine ). Don't worry about offending any of them too much. Yes, it's pretty informal, but they're going to end up delighted and fascinated, 'cause it's really original and witty.
Go for it =)
apozzi
Nov 7, 2009
apozzi
Nov 6, 2009
Undergraduate / BU admission Supplemental Essay 2010. [7]
Hi there!
I am Alice, from Italy. I really need your help, since I am not a native speaker.
Hope you'll help out. THANKS in advance. :)
This is what I got. Please, just be honest and tell me what I have to change.
Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to University community.
My parents have always described me as ambitious. In contrast, most of my Facebook friends have tagged me as curious. Personally, I believe the word that best describes me is this: open-minded.
For a long time, I never really considered ambition to be a desirable quality. But then I realized it takes courage to be ambitious. Ambition involves a lot of risk: the higher you aim, the lower you might fall. However, trying hard to make the most of life is definitely worth the risk. If you never seize the day, you will be forever grappling with the question of "what if...?"
My level of ambition is evident in my eagerness to pursue my education in Pre-Medical Studies in the Usa. Even though I've been told I am supposed to work harder than the others, because I am Italian, I will never give up. Ambition has given me the determination to achieve anything I set my mind to.
I have always found it interesting that people's eyes differ not only in the way they look like but also in the way they look at the world. If it were up to me, my eyes would always be open. I can't help but be curious about the world around me. For instance, I am always one of the few students who listen when teachers get sidetracked and start talking about something not directly related to the lesson --about TG news, current events. Most students are happy to get a break from taking notes and just space out for a while. I used to get angry whenever I saw students doing this. Regardless of whether or not the topic is academic, how can people not be interested in what's going on around them?
Finally, I believe that my most dominant quality is my open-mindedness. I have not only embraced other cultures, but I have also learned to love them. For instance, when I was in Boston last summer, it was amazing to meet so many people from all over the world. These memories are still fresh. I remember how quickly time passed when talking to my Korean friends about the political situation in their country. And I will never forget how my friend from Japan first taught me how to eat with chopsticks. These are the types of experiences that you can only have if you are open-minded. Indeed, I've always been against racism, and I could not agree more with the old quote from Mother Theresa: "if you judge people, you have no time to love them."
I am definitely satisfied with how I have turned out so far. I am also sure my qualities have prepared me well for college. I can think of no better place for my curious nature than university. What is more, my ambition will propel me toward high academic achievement. Finally, given the diverse community at Boston University, there is obviously no room for narrow-mindedness.
Hi there!
I am Alice, from Italy. I really need your help, since I am not a native speaker.
Hope you'll help out. THANKS in advance. :)
This is what I got. Please, just be honest and tell me what I have to change.
Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to University community.
My parents have always described me as ambitious. In contrast, most of my Facebook friends have tagged me as curious. Personally, I believe the word that best describes me is this: open-minded.
For a long time, I never really considered ambition to be a desirable quality. But then I realized it takes courage to be ambitious. Ambition involves a lot of risk: the higher you aim, the lower you might fall. However, trying hard to make the most of life is definitely worth the risk. If you never seize the day, you will be forever grappling with the question of "what if...?"
My level of ambition is evident in my eagerness to pursue my education in Pre-Medical Studies in the Usa. Even though I've been told I am supposed to work harder than the others, because I am Italian, I will never give up. Ambition has given me the determination to achieve anything I set my mind to.
I have always found it interesting that people's eyes differ not only in the way they look like but also in the way they look at the world. If it were up to me, my eyes would always be open. I can't help but be curious about the world around me. For instance, I am always one of the few students who listen when teachers get sidetracked and start talking about something not directly related to the lesson --about TG news, current events. Most students are happy to get a break from taking notes and just space out for a while. I used to get angry whenever I saw students doing this. Regardless of whether or not the topic is academic, how can people not be interested in what's going on around them?
Finally, I believe that my most dominant quality is my open-mindedness. I have not only embraced other cultures, but I have also learned to love them. For instance, when I was in Boston last summer, it was amazing to meet so many people from all over the world. These memories are still fresh. I remember how quickly time passed when talking to my Korean friends about the political situation in their country. And I will never forget how my friend from Japan first taught me how to eat with chopsticks. These are the types of experiences that you can only have if you are open-minded. Indeed, I've always been against racism, and I could not agree more with the old quote from Mother Theresa: "if you judge people, you have no time to love them."
I am definitely satisfied with how I have turned out so far. I am also sure my qualities have prepared me well for college. I can think of no better place for my curious nature than university. What is more, my ambition will propel me toward high academic achievement. Finally, given the diverse community at Boston University, there is obviously no room for narrow-mindedness.
apozzi
Nov 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplement - "Because There Ain't No Mountain High Enough" [7]
It's really touching.
However, isn't it too long?
After curtailing it, just submit it.
They'll accept you for sure.
It's really touching.
However, isn't it too long?
After curtailing it, just submit it.
They'll accept you for sure.
