Undergraduate / Common Application college essay-- Tennis [3]

Hey guys! It's kind of late (due Jan 1 :( ), but I would really love to get any kind of feedback. Be brutal, please!.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The inescapable beams of sun scorched my skin, a slimy mixture of sunblock and my own sweat coated my whole body, and an excruciating burn plagued every fiber in my being. My throat became the Grand Canyon as I gasped in the sunblock scent-stained air, my sneakers squeaking across the scalding forest green court. There was nothing more gruesome than this, except the sum of all the above while forcing myself to sprint faster, hit harder, and think smarter. Multiply this by seven hours per day, five days per week. Was it worth all this just to become a benchwarmer?

Standing on the court on the first day of tryouts for the high school tennis team, I was gnawing on my fingernails while my organs twisted into knots. Now was my chance to dazzle or disappoint. Preparation for this moment included fighting through four weeks straight of tennis camp in addition to playing every evening. Most of the athletes in my town had begun training when they were still learning their alphabet, while my passion did not ignite until I was of the age of algebra. The girls trying out, a total of 45, were good. My nerves caused shots to careen into the net or out of the court, especially when the coaches were boring holes into my back with scrutinizing eyes. Head throbbing with frustration, I yelled to myself, "Get in the game, Lisa! You can do better than this!" Despite the daily discouragement, I faithfully came to tryouts every day, even when most of my friends dropped out, even when I trickled down the ladder becoming the second to last doubles team on Junior Varsity.

When the season started with no cuts made, I came to every practice and match, cheering on the others and applauding their victories while never given the chance to taste my own. My mind and bruised ego told me, "Quit!" Neither of the coaches noticed me and the other girls did not see me as part of the team. Every second of being on the team was humiliation. But through it all, there was no way to deny my overwhelming passion for tennis. No matter how much pain I had to swallow, how many tears I had to hold back, how many hours I had to devote to the sport, I was going to be the next Rocky. The world was going to see a spectacular comeback. The only way for my perseverance to shine through was if I continued being the benchwarmer, to stick it out and try again next season.

That year I thought tennis, breathed tennis, and sweat tennis. During tryouts, I smashed and bashed...and lost. On the final day of the battle, I was one of the last four girls to be cut. Walking away seemed like a merciful solution, but the promise I had made to myself was craving to be fulfilled. The more agonizing the struggle, the more delicious the success.

And delicious it was. The third time I entered the fray, I still felt the anxiety bubbling in my stomach, but without the added unfamiliarity. The coaches smiled at me and knew my name, the other girls were my friends and we cheered on one another. I already felt like a member of the team. Although making the cut was a major goal, I would be satisfied even with another "try again next year"-that I put in 100% effort and shared laughs and smiles was good enough. Fortunately, the journey did not end there. Hearing that my partner and I would be the fifth doubles JV team, meaning court time everyday, I could not hold back a victory dance (much to the amusement of my friends). Adding to my exhilaration, the girls voted me to be their captain and got bear hugs in return. There was nothing more amazing than this, except the sum of all the above while having a winning season and making endearing memories.

Calvin had once said, "You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help." But we need those kinds of days, the ones where we leap and land just short of the stars. No one is an instant maven at everything; sometimes we meet resistance, but trying out for tennis taught me that we will never fail as long as we press onwards with optimism. High school was sprinkled with many endeavors, some ending with success and some with a new outlook: competing for class historian, running for track-and-field, playing Ultimate Frisbee. The future holds many more for me, and, even if I meet "unsuccess" at first, I'll be putting on my own pair of lucky underwear in preparation to push on through the struggle.

Is it analytical enough? I'm not sure how well it flows.. and if you can understand the allusions. Is it too long? Any suggestions to cut it down (because I am terrible at that.. I've already cut it down a lot) Anyway, please comment, any little thing helps!

Thank you!

Undergraduate / "my first biology class" - Duke Supplement Essay [4]

Prompt: If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

My essay is pretty rough.. I'm already sick of writing it haha. It's due 12/10/09 (tomorrow augh) and I've been struggling to make it good (esp. the conclusion). I know it's pretty bleh and I need your input. Please help! Thank you so much, in advance!

All I knew, when I entered high school as a little freshman, was that I wanted to have a purposeful career, one with which I could truly positively impact other people. It was not until I took my first biology class and enrolled in an Emergency Medical Technician-Basic course that I had that "aha!" moment. From that point on, I have wanted to enter the medical field. Duke University will foster my enthusiasm in the sciences and present me with a myriad of options, all the while allowing me to really enjoy my undergraduate experience. This innovative institution has a unique personality-it is not only a brilliant blend of enriching academics and a diverse and invigorating social scene, but also a place where I would be more than just a number.

At Duke, the amount of opportunities seems infinite. Something that really strikes me is DukeEngage, a way to integrate two of my passions, community service and medicine, into one practical course of action. Another realm of possibilities lays in the unparalleled resources for pre-medical students, from the medical center nearby to the pre-medical clubs, the pre-medical advisors to the easy-to-find internship, volunteering, and shadowing opportunities. In addition, the size of the school allows for smaller, more personal classes. This would be a classroom environment that I would thrive in; I am the student who asks questions, loves discussions, and appreciates approachable teachers. With all this within fingers length, I could develop intellectually while still maintaining my own identity; I would be defined by my name, not by a number. But there is a whole other aspect of Duke outside of the classroom that I love-the spirit of the students is electrifying and the entire campus is always active. I can really imagine myself in a crowd of enthusiastic Dukies, cheering on the Blue Devils, partaking in a variety of extracurriculars, namely the Visual Arts Committee or Ultimate Frisbee, or just relaxing in Duke Gardens. The diversity of activities and people really give me the space to dance to my own beat. I have no doubt that I will be able to cultivate my passions and discover my potential at Duke University.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Admissions Essay about diversity - Ultimate Frisbee [6]

I kind of wanted to go a different route from everyone else who wrote about their cultural/ethnic backgrounds (it's cool, but i wanted to stand out a little more, even though I love my Chineseness and all). I focused on how I never backed down from opportunities and how Rutgers would help me find even bigger and better ones to take advantage of.

Somehow it seems kind of blah.. and I'm afraid it doesn't answer the question? Are there things I could improve upon? And does it sound like I'm being totally cocky and egotistical? :(?

Any help would be grrrrreatly (tony the tiger!) appreciated! Thankyousomuch.

Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Somehow, and in a matter of seconds, my feet flew up above my head and my lungs smacked against my ribcage as my back slammed onto the ground. I ended up staring straight up at the brilliant blue sky. Talk about a starry surprise. "She's a trooper," I heard someone say as I got up and walked to the bleachers with sparkles in my eyes. It turned out a herculean football player-slash-wrestler had smashed into me and flipped me over right when I was about to catch the frisbee. This is just one of the many perils of playing with all guys. At my school, I am the only female player on the ultimate frisbee team. I cannot throw as far or jump as high as my teammates, and sometimes I get slightly injured. However, my spirit is never defeated and I always maintain good sportsmanship. Being the only girl, I bring diversity and unique elements to the team, including helping others stay calm and focused by not becoming frustrated when we lose and boosting team spirit by providing encouragement.

On my journey from freshman to senior, I have taken advantage of many opportunities to enjoy and enrich my time during high school. Through it all, I've kept up an unwavering sense of determination and enthusiasm. This includes strutting down the catwalk in my handmade dress in the school's fashion show and then marching on to become co-president of the fashion club, being cut from the tennis team sophomore year but then fighting my way up and becoming captain of the Junior Varsity team the next year, juggling 110 hours of Emergency Medical Technician-Basic classes with my schoolwork and clubs, and more. For three years so far, I have had work experience, dealing with people of all ages in customer service as well as in educational instruction. Through my two jobs, I have refined the art of learning from mistakes, of multitasking, and of managing an assortment of customers. Holding the position of Vice President and now even President in the National Art Honor Society has also been extremely rewarding. It has helped hone my skills in organization, coordination, and leadership.

This medley of experiences illustrates that I am not one to shy away from trying new things or being unconventional. Rutgers is a bustling community of diversity where people of all ethnicities, religions, economic and social backgrounds, with a variety of interests and experiences, coexist and harmonize. Rutgers would present me with a whole new galaxy of opportunities-from those of the professional world provided by career fairs and the health professions office to the availability of almost every club and activity imaginable, from the nearly unlimited array of courses to the myriad of people. This could only help to cultivate my interests, foster the development of my education, and open the doors of possibility for me. At Rutgers, I would concurrently feel as if I were at home and away. I could find both people similar to me and people from the other side of the spectrum of life. Although I have trekked all over the United States and have explored countries like China and France, having the possibility to talk to people from all over the country and world will be different but enlightening. Everyday would pose as an opportunity to learn about people and the world, something especially valuable in my odyssey to become a physician. If given the opportunity to be a student at Rutgers, I would undoubtedly dedicate a complete and total effort into my education, inspire others to try new things, and actively participate in, and maybe eventually lead, a multitude of extracurricular activities including playing on the Rutgers women's ultimate frisbee team-hopefully with fewer accidents involving football playing wrestlers-turned-frisbee players.