Good structure and well-written! In the stage of recapitulation, you may talk about future goals unless this essay is used for admission to a course in music.
it is the beginning of mine
So what journey of yours is beginning? The reader will be curious to know. This is where you can shed some light about your aspirations.
Please please don't talk about the courses that you took. There's no big deal in pre-cal/honors physics. Admission officers can see your academic rigour from your transcript. Use this chance to tell them about your character. You may defend by saying that this shows your determination. But there are definitely better things to talk about. To be frank, your essay bores me.
For the second essay, I can just substitute the word "cape" with any other words like "cake", "cookie", make some amendments to the procedure of the "manufacturing" and it becomes a universal template. The weakness for this essay is that there is hardly any personal voice. A three-day rushing experience is not really a big deal unless you elaborated on what you have learned. At least you keep me wondering on what "cape" means to you. Work from here and you can get better draft.
Don't worry about our first draft being rough. It is always for many people.
As I grew older I began to lose my naivety and the harsh realities besieged me
It's a bit lazy to express your realization with just these words. At least come up with a story. Any volunteering or specific experiences that make you appreciate your affluence?
Besides the part where you focused too much on your mom, the essay is pretty decent. I don't really like the last sentence. How can you end off with a sentence that starts with... "Also,..." It gives me the impression that "Wait I still want to say some more" and yet you are ending here.
Since the prompt mentioned "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations", why not make some reference to your intended major? You sound as if you only live just to study. Your first two paragraphs are very well-written. Your aspirations are evident in the third paragraph but sad to say your last paragraph is unfocused.
In the upcoming years, this education will be important to shape my personality and expand upon my ever-growing knowledge base.
... this education will be important in shaping my personality and expanding my ...
