Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

Here is my revised essay for the common application. This is the prompt:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. I reworked it. Any suggested revisions would be greatly appreciated.

She quickly hugs her mother goodbye and dashes out the door to join her siblings. Today is her first day of kindergarten. She proudly examines her new shoes as the school bus pulls up. She can barely contain her excitement as she enters the bus with her brothers and sister She shoos them away and sits alone in her seat. She looks forward to meeting her teacher and making new friends. It all went so terribly wrong. No one sits with her. No one talks to her. After a day of silence, one boy finally spits out, "Korean!" The class laughs. A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one that is pale, withdrawn, and upset. Dejected, she tells her mother about the nightmarish day and asks, "What should I do?" Looking into her eyes, her mother replies, "Mel, you will go to school tomorrow and tell them you are Filipino."

When I first heird this story as a child, I was shocked that my Aunt Mel's parents did nothing to intercede at school. I was full of questions. Why didn't her parents talk to her teacher? Did her mother think a five-year-old girl could handle the harsh reality of prejudice? As these thoughts lingered, I realized that Mel always recounted this memory with a smile. She went to school the next day and stood up for herself. Her experience made me see my aunt in a different light. She was strong. She was not just the perfect hunter, fly fisherman, kick boxer, runner, and rock climber I imagined but a real person who had faced real problems. As I grew up, Mel continued to be an inspiration. Like her, I learned to confront problems directly, handle adversity with humor, and not let others define me.

The transition from middle school to high school was daunting. Everything seemed bigger, faster, and harder. My shy personality became an obstacle. My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turn oral presentations into public embarrassments. Instead of giving up, I focused on becoming more outgoing. I joined the school band and became a member of several clubs like key club, HOPE (Help Our Planet Earth), and High-Q. Like Aunt Mel, I embraced my passions. I found my voice in art and the written word. Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or tantalizing story allowed me to express my hopes, dreams, and ideas. I created elaborate projects for my classes. For instance, I made a model of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, drew a periodic table of endangered animals, and wrote a short murder mystery. I felt empowered.

As senior year approached, I was pulled in different directions. My brother encouraged me to research careers in math and the sciences. My parents advocated an undergraduate degree in pre-law, economics or political science. I am an artist. Taking a page from Aunt Mel, I decided to chart my own path. I have my own vision and unique journey to follow. As I venture into a new chapter of my life, I will not forget my aunt's story. I have grown from the lost child who concerned about other's opinion to a confident adult who is ready to chase my dreams.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - murder trial [5]

As I wait impatiently in his office, my father finishes describing my part in the preparation of his client's defense. "Your work will help us argue not only for (name of client) freedom, but for his life," he concludes. I am stunned and feel a weight placed on my shoulders. "I thought I was just briefing depositions," I stutter. I work intently at my task-creating a map which tracks the key players' movements the day of the murders. I review cell phone billing records and chart tower site locations. I calculate the coverage area, construct the travel route and record the GPS data. Through my work, I uncover an anomaly. A cell phone signal is miles outside the coverage area, calling into question the accuracy of the cell phone data. I carefully prepare a visual representation of the evidence. Now I understand the importance of the battles my father wages.

AJGraves

Undergraduate / Cornell application essay for Arts and Sciences - interest writing [9]

Describe your intellectual interest and contribution to Cornell?
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts & Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major or field of study (maximum 500 words).

I am a storyteller. Weaving fictional characters' conflicts and concrete themes and symbols into a novel is my passion. My dream of becoming an author grew from the various books I read and artistic styles I examined. I hope to join the legions of respected authors, whose books line shelves around the world. Stories crafted by literary geniuses, like Toni Morrison's Beloved, that leave an emotional impact on the reader are the source of my inspiration. My interest in creative writing evolved after reading Scott Westerfeld's The Uglies. The cautionary tale of the price of perfection is a contemporary novel that offers a blend of dynamic action and literary themes instead of mindless entertainment or tedious schoolwork. Westerfeld's refreshing style revitalized my fading hopes of being acclaimed by critics and adored by readers. My desire to pursue writing as a career instead of a hobby was heightened through reading classical literature. The light hearted romance of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, psychological thrills of Henry James's The Turn of the Screw, and unnerving realism of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale are just a portion of the literary rollercoaster that powered my dreams. On the other hand, modern artists offer a glimmer of hope that success can found in the artistic world with work and determination. Sofia Coppola's inventive directing, J. J. Abrams's impressive productions, and Zhang Jingna's unique visions are a few examples of successful artists in the 20th century. They prove creativity and imagination have not been erased. At Cornell University, I hope to be involved with its prestigious Department of English. The Creative Writing Program would help me develop my writing abilities in classes like Narrative and Verse Writing. The university also holds an open reading series and a literary magazine, organizations I want to participate in. Working with a group of intellectual students and challenging professors drives me to following my ambitions. Thus, Cornell University represents a new future, where I can expand my literary knowledge and creativity. My path toward becoming an author began with a fascination with books and will hopefully end at an engaging university full of opportunities and success.

(359/500)