Undergraduate / UC2: Falling in love with Fictional Men [8]

i agree with gynn92..this is a very unique essay and i loved ur orlando bloom start. i also think u need more work on the conclusion and that u shouldnt just mention and list those philosophers without elaborating more on them. i think u need to develop ur ideas more thoroghly. its a bit rushed to me. great topic nonetheless!

check mine? thanks!

Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

this is great! def not boring! loved the start and description - animals and the barn and all! really nice!

Undergraduate / Review my Prompt #2 - Martial Arts? [5]

"Yet from these mistakes, I was developing quality traits."
(this sentence really annoys me for some reason)

"The intensity of wrestling "
(better to elaborate on this more..show not tell)

i dont really get your ending. you emerge? nonetheless i really like the rest of your conclusion.

theres a lot of time shifting in this essay which gets me confused because u said u were somewhere and then u went back sometime and then its 2 years later. i think u can work on it to make that more clear. also, i think u can cut a lot of detail out that is not needed to prove ur point like the stuff around the judo.

thanks for reading my essay and hope this helps!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]

thanks! im not sure if my essays are addressing the whole prompt or if im talking enough about myself =(

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]

yes you did!!
if you can, can you look at my essay? i want to send it today too

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]

WOW this is a great essay! but i think u need to expand more on those thoughts in the last paragraph of ur essay...to talk more about urself! i love the beginning too!

Undergraduate / Prompt #2 - The Misguided Martyr [3]

hello! i think this essay talks wayyy too much about ur situation and not about yourself. talk more about yourself!! it has too much narration!

please look at my essay too!

Undergraduate / "My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World [18]

you dont need to write anything else, just omitting is fine =)

Undergraduate / "The day of the marathon" - Help with Prompt 2 of the UC application [4]

My constant negativity
(instead maybe "my constant negative energy"?)

"There may be times in life when people or other obstacles can possible deter me from accomplishing my dreams, but it is my own determination and the positive influences that will help me persevere and hurdle over life's obstacles."

(this is a pretty confusing and long sentence to have as your ending. make it shorter or think of a better and more creative way to end)

i think your essay is great! but i think u might have taken too long to lead up to the day of ur marathon and u took too long to describe ur experience. u need more room to desrcibe about urself!

please help me with my essay if possible too! i think u can just click on my name to see it =)

Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]

"I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. "
i would try not putting the words "dreams and aspirations" in the beginning of your essay since its in the prompt. it sort of sounds like u are just restating the prompt and you should be more personal...let your voice be heard with this essay!

Undergraduate / My great-grandma and Alzheimer's- UC Prompt #1 [8]

rather than stating what your family is, i think u should find a more interesting lead in
and your ending is simply restating the question which is not good. make it more original
"My world has taught me everything within its knowledge, and now it's time to venture into the new world of college life where I can achieve my dreams and aspirations"

Undergraduate / "how I grow up"-review and specification is need for this essay--UC# [3]

myself how uneasiness my parents have come through to support this family. I memories the precious of time when it's not abundant any more. Most important of a

(it's "how uneasy" not "how uneasiness")

i think you need to connect your paragraphs more, and there are some tense issues. i like the start though

Undergraduate / Princeton Quote Essay- If not us, who? If not now, when? [4]

give examples of how the quote is "an impetus to do something great," "become a part of something bigger than yourself," or "to change the world"

also i think u need a better start than "those eight simple word combine to.." since its a bit boring to say it since its pretty obvious?

please read my essays too! i need help

Undergraduate / "Experiences and involvements" - uc prompt1 [5]

I helped organizing our booth to better appeal to our future members
(its "help to")

i think you are trying to cram too much examples into an essay. try focusing on one or at least shortening each example more!

Undergraduate / "My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World [18]

Since young I did not get to do whatever I wanted to do, I would always be taught by my parents to try to go along with my brother and sisters

(its "Since I was young...")

At young age I thought it was really mean in their pa
(omit "at young age")

i think you have great details and points, but i think you should have a better intro and conclusion. you need a more interesting or effective conclusion and you generalize too much in the first paragraph.

if you need to shorten your essay, i think you should delete / summarize this para, and focus more on how your parent's religion affected your dreams and aspirations:

My family is a Korean family of six counting both my parents. I have an older brother and two younger sisters after me. The fact that I have multiple siblings has helped me to be more cooperative with others and helped to learn the importance of group work. Since young I did not get to do whatever I wanted to do, I would always be taught by my parents to try to go along with my brother and sisters. At young age I thought it was really mean in their part, but now that I am older I can see that they did for my own welfare. I was being taught by my parents to try to work with people around me without argument and to try to help them in as many ways I can. I still recall that when having something to eat I would always have to share it with my brother and sisters even though I did not want to share them. Another vivid memory that I have is that whenever we would gather to eat there was a simple rule, never start eating if one of the family member was not there. Through my parents I was taught both patience and the importance to work peacefully with the people that surrounded me.