Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Posts by jbrown09
Joined: Dec 5, 2009
Last Post: Dec 13, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 18  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 21
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Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

Hey, this is my short essay for the common app. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!

For the past two summers, I've worked as a counselor at Penn-York Camp. PYC is unique because it's a summer camp that integrates a few special needs campers with the general population. I worked with Joey, a 24 year-old camper with Down syndrome, Cerebral palsy, and other challenges.

Taking care of Joey required a lot of patience; he relied on me for many of his personal needs. Often, he would wake me up in the middle of the night to take him to the bathroom, or make a mess during lunch that I had to clean up. His smile when I helped him, made it all worthwhile.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to work with Joey. He taught me taught me what it means to serve others and how to enjoy doing it.
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids" [8]

I like the idea you have. I would try and make it a little more personal. Who was the NBA player you met? Why'd they choose him? How were you trained?
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

everything you talked about are FACTS. the admin can care less about facts, unless they determine how you think.

I don't really understand what you mean about how I think? Like what exactly would you add to the essay to get this aspect in it. They tell you to briefly elaborate on a work experience...so that's what I decided to do.


I answer that in the following sentences

great, you understand work. so why should the admin accept you? i mean, work comes later and you never tied it to college or your personality.

Again, not really sure what you expect me to talk about. Not a whole lot I can do in 150 words.

I agree the wouldn't trade for anything else statement is a little cliche. I decided to change that.
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Diversity Weekend program' - reasons for applying to Hamilton [10]

Here's a supplement I have to submit for Hamilton college. The question simply states "Please describe your reasons for applying to Hamilton". I have a 2,000 character limit. The Essay is currently 1,999 characters long. Any constructive criticism is appreciated. Here it is:

Please describe your reasons for applying to Hamilton:

I first heard about Hamilton from a piece of literature sent to my home. I was a bit skeptical at first, since I was being flooded with college literature from just about everywhere on earth. I did briefly glance through the brochure, and was impressed by Hamilton's Diversity Weekend program. Being a minority myself, I especially appreciate when colleges make these types of attempts to integrate diversity into their campuses. I was still not interested enough at the time and decided to forego the opportunity.

I later saw Hamilton's name come up again in an article on the USA TODAY website. It was one of the colleges selected in their "100 Best Value Colleges for 2009" presentation. I was once again impressed about what the article had to say about Hamilton. Since Hamilton is only a couple hours down Interstate 90 from where I live, I decided to take a campus visit.

I've visited about a dozen college campuses and Hamilton impressed me the most by far. I first listened to the information session. I love how Hamilton thinks outside of the box! Giving applicants other options besides just the typical ACT or SAT score is a breath of fresh air. Hamilton's other main selling point was their curriculum. I'm indecisive by nature so Hamilton's curriculum flexibility and ability to practically "create" your own major are great ideas.

The campus tour also impressed me. The state of the art facilities and dining hall that serves sushi every day are great! Being a 3 sport athlete, good athletic facilities are especially important!

Hamilton also interests me because of its strong pre-professional program, pre law in particular. I plan on attending law school after college, so learning that 15% of Hamilton grads later attend law school is another positive. College is mainly to prepare one for their future career, and I see Hamilton as a great place to do that.

Hamilton fits me in multiple ways. I just didn't expect to find them all at the same place.
Dec 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

Yeah. It is primarily a kids summer camp but they also have a few special needs campers that require 1 on 1 attention. I took care of one of those kids for 2 weeks.

I wasn't sure how exactly to put "Despite all of Joey's "imperfections"...because I didn't really consider them imperfections, more something that made him unique.

I think your right i'll make it more personal and edit much of the first paragraph
Dec 12, 2009
Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [99]

1)"Each time he thinks about their misery is like a stab in the heart that never ends"
He's right on this one, this sentence doesn't make much sense. Theres some ambiguous terms in this sentence.

2) Carlos slowly walks toward the train entrance"

teacher fb: crossed out "toward" and put "to"

This is getting really picky..I think you can write it either way.

This is a great place to learn, get help, and help others!
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: More Than a Game (baseball) [8]

Hey all,

This is my main essay for the common app, option #6. Im submitting it soon, i'd appreciate any CC.

More than a Game

Baseball is known as America's national pastime. America's major leagues attract the best talent in the world. Major league baseball's finals are known as the "World" Series. Despite all of this, I discovered that the true experience of baseball in the Dominican Republic.

It was a typical Sunday afternoon; my dad and I were driving home from church. I was about 10 years old, but I remember the car ride like it was yesterday.

"Justin, if you could live in a warm country, where would you live?" my Dad asked.

"A place where they love baseball, like the Dominican Republic!" I answered without hesitation. I did not know much about the Dominican, except that many great baseball players were from there.

What a coincidence! A few months later, my parents had an opportunity to travel to the Dominican Republic. They loved it. My father felt a call to open a medical clinic and help underprivileged people, and decided the Dominican would be a great place to do it. Whatever the logic was behind my answer, it proved to be a memorable one, for less than a year later my family and I had moved there.

While attending a Major League game in the US can be an entertaining, there is nothing quite like a Dominican baseball game, because baseball in the DR is as much of a party as it is a game.

I will never forget the first ballgame I attended in the DR. It was late December 2003, and the winter baseball season was in full swing. It was a crucial regular season game between the "Tigres de Licey" and the "Aguilas CibaeĊ„as", two bitter rivals. The game was being played at the Estadio Olimpico, Licey's home stadium. Regardless of home field advantage, both teams had a large number of fans in attendance.

The atmosphere was electric. The first thing I noticed when entering the stadium is how the majority of the stadium was a sea of blue, with slices of yellow here and there. Blue was the primary color in Licey's uniform; yellow the color of the Aguilas. The stadium was filled with excited chatter, music was blaring out of the loudspeakers and there was even a band playing with makeshift musical instruments. The smell of "platanos" (fried plantain) and fried salami wafted through the aisles. Vendors were everywhere, selling food, drinks, and merchandise. You could hardly hear yourself think, and the game had not yet begun!

After much anticipation, the game began. The crowd roared as the home team Licey ran onto the field and their ace pitcher took the mound. The Aguilas first hitter dug in at the plate, and the pitcher went into his windup. Strike One. The place erupted. All the pitcher had done was throw a strike, yet you would have thought someone had just hit a game-winning homerun.

As the game went on you would guess the noise level would have eventually died down, but it only got louder. Eventually, the makeshift band started to circle the stadium, with a parade of fans following closely behind. It was quite a spectacle. I would have been tempted to participate, had I not a fear of being trampled.

The atmosphere would have upstaged the game itself had it not been such a great contest. The winter league annually attracts some of the best major league talent, many of them Dominican. The players were at the top of their game, and the match was highly competitive. To most of the fans' delight, Licey won the game 5-3. They went on to win the league championship that year and represented the Dominican Republic in the Caribbean World Series.

In the Dominican Republic, baseball is more than just a game. It's a passion to many and way of life to others. For the poor and less privileged, it is a gateway to a better existence, a glimmer of hope in an otherwise desolate situation. Baseball is what brings the country together, but also what tears fans and team loyalists apart. This is what makes baseball great in the Dominican Republic, and what makes going to a game such a special experience.

As a kid who grew up in a country so fixated with the sport, baseball has affected me in many ways. I learned Spanish by listening to the commentators on baseball games. I enjoy discussing all aspects of baseball. It's something I really get excited about. My dream job is to be the general manager of a pro sports franchise, preferably baseball.

In my five years in the Dominican Republic, I had some unforgettable experiences, including my first baseball game. I discovered that baseball is more than just a game, and it became an outlet for me. I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, but baseball gave me a way for me to connect with others. Amongst other things it taught me the importance of communication, a skill vital for success. Sports help to connect and bring together different types of people. Because of the DR and my experiences there, I'm a more well rounded person and communicate better when talking sports or otherwise.
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: More Than a Game (baseball) [8]

Okay. What do you suggest I do to make it more about myself..?

A lot of people dont really understand my introduction. Its an attempt to show that major league baseball considers itself the best baseball in the world. (WORLD Series)...and then I say that I disagree with that.
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [20]

Okay..I tried once again. Here is my revised version. I tried to talk about how I learned patience and kindness throughout the whole experience. It's pretty tough still, I wish I could say more about it.