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Posts by grocks6
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: Jan 31, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 12  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer [9]

I have to say I agree with Kyle's sentiments as I don't see mentioning rank as a positive aspect for your essay. Rank is a very superficial way to look at a college as there are many different factors used to judge one college from another.

hockey520 said:
I learned that Emory was ranked ninth, out of 101 schools (take this out) by BusinessWeek in 2009 as one of the top ... (like I said before, this really does not show you like the school itself but that you like the school's standing.This led me to want to find out more and so I went to their website where I discovered through Emory's website ...
Jan 22, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU (Cinema Studies): Four Small Prompts Driving Me Insane [10]

hey Cody
I just have a couple comments/critiques:

1) For the very first prompt, I know that Martin Scorsese is a great choice but a lot of people would use it, especially applicants in film. If you really like Asimov, it would definitely be another option for you to write about. In the end, it's who you personally respect more and who you could be most creative with in planning the day's events.

2) I appreciate the rhyming couplets you did for the second prompt; they were very original. In terms of how they represent you though, do you regularly consider the plague, anger and hostility in the world? If you do, it shows you as well-rounded and aware so I believe it was a good point to add.

3) New York University has a reputation for greatness, and the Tisch School of the A rts is definitely no exception. Some of the most iconic film makers in the industry have learned from the brilliant faculty of Tisch, and it is my hope to have the same privilege. I have chosen the cinema studies program because I have a sensational passion (maybe use a different word than passion?) for the visual power of film. As someone with a profound respect for the art, I am thrilled to analyze movieswhy? what made you want to analyze the movies? What made you feel that film was for you? , and could spend hours writing intelligently about them. Cinema studies should add yet another dimension to my relationship with film.

hope I helped!
Jan 22, 2010
Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

yang[Contributor] Jan 16, 10, 11:43pm #7
actually, gerry, the length might not matter, since you surely have heard of the essay that the Dean sent out for this topic that is a pretty huge controversy.

Here's the link to the essay: talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/834970-should-u-chi cagos-admissions-dean-have-sent-essay-around-am-i-too-strict.html
It's quite long, so I guess that originality tops reading the instruction!

hahaha, yang, thanks for posting that! I had not actually seen that but I believe that this student definitely had originial thought in that. im glad he submitted his essay that way; it was direct, personal and showed his creativity.
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

Moonshadow, thanks so much for your comments! I wish I had seen this before I submitted it a week ago :(

and yes, Paulina, the deadline was definitely way over. I already submitted this essay to U Chicago before I posted it on here.

and yang, you're right, I thought it might've been too long but I wasn't sure what to do to it. I cut out some of the loose detailing but I don't know if it helped the essay much.
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

This is not helping the essays at all. Watch out or you might get suspended.

I was offering him a simple congrats as he wrote a good essay; I understand this site is for critiques but I don't see the harm in giving a compliment in addition to what I say. And I didn't say his was perfect, just that it definitely got better.

By the way, please don't threaten me with suspension. It makes me think you have a vendetta against me personally which is impossible since I don't even know you.

Living in the USA, South Africa, and Pakistan has complemented my love of new experiences, and having a multicultural childhood has enriched me greatly on many levels. Going to school in each nation has opened me up to all kinds of people. I had the opportunity of experiencing diversity in so many ways by meeting individuals with all kinds of interests and viewpoints. To know that we are all linked is a wonderful feeling.

While this is a good description of where you have lived, you still merely stated that you did live in those places. You didn't really explain how it enriched your life or what kind of viewpoints you developed because of those places.
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

For my personal preference, I want an education in an encouraging and versatile community as I believe that that is how good learning comes about. It is because the community members of the University of Chicago are willing to listen and accept new ideas that the university has become the outstanding place it is now. Unity is imperative to the improvement of any type of educational facility and work environment. A second aspect of the educational style that I learn best in lies in that visual learning must be present because I myself use pictures as vivid reminders of the information that is absorbed. I find it to be a very helpful aid in classes such as biology, where the processes of DNA replication and digestion need to be memorized and in chemistry with the continuing onset of many types of formulas such as the pressure law of PV=nRT.

Keeping my perspectives in mind, I used my hopes and thoughts as a means to control how I knew how I would feel with a college and how I would actually feel once I saw it for myself. I found the campus situated in the rich surroundings of Chicago and saw that it also retained the peace of studying that was needed by the providence of luscious trees. Walking around, I found a glorious look into one of the local bookstores on campus; while there, I picked up a valuable piece of research in that it offered a complete version of the letters exchanged between Thomas Jefferson and his wife in the years of their marriage. This was one of the greatest memorabilia items I took with me as I treasured the words on the page with a different sense of pride and happiness: this was the first piece of literature that I had purchased off of campus.

After wandering back to the main hall, there was a campus tour conducted and I got to see the real reactions of students who were busy studying for their respective classes. Not only were they concentrated on their work, they were also focused on keeping their composure together. They kept themselves occupied and this showed me how much self-control University of Chicago students maintain. They know when to study and when to be a little crazier; the balance of necessary elements is then very apparent. Balance is a great aspect of the community, an aspect echoed in the maintenance of the core curriculum that is present. Students must take a humanities course, math courses, science courses, history and a foreign language, no matter what major they have. This gives the students a chance to explore a verisimilitude of different subjects, all carrying their own implications. This balance interests me in addition to the campus and the student life available on campus; I believe that this makes the University of Chicago a good school for me.
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Poker game - common App essay--risky topic! [7]

Actually, I believe that your essay is great as it is! This is a wonderful topic and if I am correct, U Chicago will be very pleased to see such an outstanding essay about a topic I'm sure most people do not write about :)
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Northwestern Common Application Supplement: Why Engineering is a Hobby of Mine [3]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

Engineering has always been a passion of mine. From my childhood experiences with my grandparents, I learned how to construct simple structures such as miniature buildings and scale models of smaller animals. These models were measured in a precise manner and tested against realistic obstacles to observe its subsequent durability. In the years following, I realized that I could apply what I had experienced to problems that occurred in real-life; the emphasis of this application would be on helping the people to survive from natural disasters.

Although this environmental engineering aspect did interest me, I found my real interest several years later, in my high school biology course. Biomedical engineering involves key factors of both engineering and medicine and is my major as a result of the encouragement of my freshman year biology teacher. Mrs. Cohen was very supportive of my projects that I constructed within her class and so, she recommended that I join the robotics club within my school. She believed that it was a great place for me to continue developing the ideas that I had.

After participating on the robotics team for three years, I found that she was right in her recommendations as I discovered that there were many applications of mechanics in robotics in the field of medicine. In order to test out medicines before human consumption, test subjects need to be used as guinea pigs. These test subjects need to be treated with fairness and with dignity. In many cases of testing, this equality is not given. This is why I suggest that artificial life forms such as bots need to be used more often; if used, poor and innocent mice would be saved from a very cruel fate of harmful side effects. The bots could be designed to reflect the types of reactions that would ensue from testing on a living subject. Quite possibly, the minimal weakness of using this testing method would be that the bot is not going to show every possible side effect that can occur from using the product; then again, no test subject can ever show every side effect as most side effects are not revealed until humans begin to consume the product.

Another way in which bots and technology could be used in medicine is to have more advanced technological programs to increase the accuracy of the overall findings. As there is always an error within experimentation as nothing is perfect, the possibility of error is going to be slightly diminished if the technology used is made to reflect the least amount of error that is possible for the object. If it is attempted to better the types of resources used, billions of dollars could be saved from resolving one type of error.

At Northwestern, I believe that my ideas for the field of biomedical engineering can be recognized based on the impressive types of resources given to undergraduates. The laboratory materials are complete, the professors are state-of-the-art and the principles of engineering are one of a kind. The undergraduates, especially, are given the care and guidance they deserve as the faculty complete research projects with the undergraduates alongside to participate. Take, for instance, Professor Daniel C. Batlle; he has been conducting research on the regulation and growths of kidney cells. In carrying out his experimentation, he took time to explain the processes behind why the experimentation was possible and this made the undergraduates understand what type of research he was conducting. This close relationship between faculties supports my view that learning occurs best when adults include their younger counterparts as well. Northwestern is therefore the place for me.
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / What appeals you to Emory University, aside from the obvious. Emory Supplement [5]

As a Georgia citizen, I have seen multiple friends, family members, and peers selected to attend Emory University.

With nine different schools and multiple majors, Emory University holds high expectations from their students and pushes them to advance on soaring levels of intellect.

Although it does sound a bit generic, its definitely not a bad essay. The only thing I could add is that you might want to try a personal approach to it; that way, the admissions officers will know that you really want to go to their school.
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP-- 2050 movie, short poem, why NYU [7]

I actually thought that this experience seemed like it really changed you but I haven't seen how it changed you. What did going to India do for you; did you become a better person in English because you taught someone else or did you find that you wanted to help more people due to the harsh conditions that you saw? Just add a few more details and you've got a great statement!
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

I agree with all of the changes that yang has said but I don't agree in that he states your essay is not yet personal enough.

From your first draft, I can definitely see the vast amount of improvement and I commend you for that!
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / 2050 movie title///spending one day with a famous New Yorker//NYU Supplements! [3]

Actually I believe that your famous New Yorker essay was very well done and had a great bit of a personal touch to it; not only did you express that you liked Lucy Liu as a person, you thought that that she was a great actress as well. You also showed that your cultural perspective is very high.

For the personal statement however, I know you can revamp it a bit. Include a drama performance title and why you find performing in the theater to be so appealing: was it the lighting? the effects? the lines? the characters? There is so much more to theater than just acting as singing, dancing, and sometimes even cooking can be included.
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: More Than a Game (baseball) [8]

Despite all of this, I discovered that the true experience of baseball was in the Dominican Republic.
= The was will help improve your cohesion and unity of ideas in this sentence.

I did not know much about the Dominican Republic , except that many great baseball players were from there.
= I know that it's repetitive to repeat it but in the context, without Republic, Dominican could be taken as not the country but the person who is from there instead.

other than some very minor problems with the flow, I like the general structure of your essay!
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Florida State University Admission Essay- How Vires Defines My Life [4]

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

As a student, I use the intellectual strength that Vires defines to learn new information in a unique manner. I believe that the mind is created to be able to think beyond boundaries and the more that a person uses their own intellectually developed strength, the more easily those boundaries can be overstepped. Incredible discoveries and realizations can make the impossible seem more realistic and overall probable. It is because of my own outlook on learning that I personally feel that my intellectual strengths are best used. When I was one year old, I lived with my grandparents in China. Because my grandfather was a professor, his library of Chinese literature as well as history was extensive. Despite my narrow understanding of the language, I loved being able to browse through all the different types of books present. It was my favorite part of the entire day, when I would actually be allowed to go into his study. Every night, my grandfather would read one story to me and I would then be entranced, captivated for the rest of the night, my mind filled by the vivid images of life that the story would help detail. From those experiences, I developed a love for education and the written language that I have carried on with me through my high school years.

In order to continue the spirit of learning that I grew up with, I participate in my school's academic decathlon, Quiz Bowl. This is a fascinating competition as it involves fun and quirky facts about information associated with the areas of social studies, mathematics, science, the humanities, and english. Not only do I gain information about the chemical properties of elements such as tungsten and chlorine, I also get to learn that Odin was the father of all gods in Norse mythology and controlled the famous land of Valhalla. There are so many things that I can gain from participating in just one match of this competition and if I receive the opportunity, I will absolutely continue this at Florida State University because I consider that the act of learning persists no matter where I am as I can learn about the world around me or about worlds that I might never actually see or know. This is what the value of learning holds for me as I understand that there is so much knowledge that I can gain about the world.