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Posts by Ivy_Equestrian
Joined: Dec 19, 2009
Last Post: Feb 15, 2010
Threads: 13
Posts: 55  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 68 / page 2 of 2
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Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 28, 2009
Poetry / Tufts Optional essay - poem about being green [6]

I think the optional essays are really open to interpretation - the length is fine! I'd much rather read a shorter-than-average piece that's this powerful than ten extra space-filling stanzas. I love your interpretation of this prompt; I didn't think anyone else had done it! Mine is very different than yours - I'm a little jealous that I didn't think to write a poem haha!

The second-to-last stanza is definitely my favorite.
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Penn Supplemental Essay-------Merging Medicine and Finance at Wharton [6]

I take it UPenn is your #1? :) You're obviously sincerely passionate about the school - a lot of people don't go to the effort to explore the faculty and unique offerings their top choice school features. That little extra does make a difference!

Overall, it's a well-written essay, and I only have a few minor corrections to make.

"While it's true I haven't yet achieved greatness through things such as founding the greatest university in the world..."
This comes across as a little obsequious. Sure, UPenn probably IS the greatest school in the world in your mind, but lauding it as such just comes across a little funny. Think Carlton in 'Fresh Prince.'

"This school really is the only college with programs that exactly fit my academic goals."
You can trim this; how about 'UPenn is the only college with...', or try to combine it with the prior sentence. Cutting things where you can is crucial - concise essays flow, are less daunting for the AdCom, and are memorable

"but also hands- on"

"Things such as student-led conferences or courses where kids are graded based upon how profitable their stock investments were are things that truly define only Wharton."

Please, please, please don't use the word 'things' in an essay! Things generally have names - use those! Otherwise it just sounds immature. 'Offerings' or 'unique features' or any number of things would work here. You'll find something that works for you! :)

"While I love work at the Children's Hospital at Penn, I may find that I enjoy the Penn for Life club even more."

This reads oddly; since you're not yet at UPenn, you can't love the work yet. The tense shift is a little confusing. 'While I know I will love work at...' would be the tense you want to keep it in.

Hope that helps! You're a good writer, and this essay is almost there!! I'm applying to UPenn too...except I'm not smart enough for business, I'm more of an English/Theatre person haha!
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Xiangqi (Chinese Chess) [6]

"Life is also full of unknowns and unknowns lead to making mistakes and blunders."
Did you mean to put 'unknowns' in twice? ;)
"This is why Xiangqi,or Chinese Chess, is my favorite pastime."

"a reality to chance theory." What do you mean by this? It's somewhat unclear.

Otherwise good; I've never even heard of Xiangqi! You learn something new every day, I guess! You could wrap up with something along the lines of 'when I encounter the unexpected in life, I reflect on the calculated game of Xianqi, and choose my next move."
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS - The Fantastic Theatrical Five-Year-Old [9]

"Now!"

The hands that went with the authoritative whisper gave me a gentle push, and I scurried into the light. Squinting at the indiscernible faces in the audience, I tried to ignore my trembling knees and focused on remembering the lines I would soon have to recite. It was my big debut; I was five years old, and I was playing a tooth.

Even at five, I wanted to do things properly. I longed to hear someone murmur, "Look at her! She could hold her own against professionals!" The other children, I knew, would giggle and fidget their way through the tiny monologues assigned to us, but I wouldn't let myself. As each of my co-stars stepped forward to say their piece, I maintained my perfect posture, my back and arms aching as I formed part of a very big, very hungry crocodile. The very best actresses I'd seen, like Mary-Kate and Ashley, had huge eyes, so I made sure to keep mine as wide as possible, and I held my chin high so that I had to peer down my nose to see each child stutter through a couple of rhyming lines.

Finally, it was my turn. Clad in black leggings, grimy white sneakers, and an oversized grey sweatshirt, I strode to the edge of the stage and planted my feet. I took a deep breath, pushed my bowl-cut out of my (still very wide) eyes, and bellowed out my couplet in my very best stage voice. And then I was done. I looked around expectantly, waiting for someone to throw roses at my feet, or launch into a deafening standing ovation, but nothing happened. It was time for me to go back to the crocodile, and let someone else have a shot at West End-worthy theatrical success. I didn't slouch, or hang my head in dismay - I kept my chin up and my back straight, and vowed to do even better next time.

My innocuous debut on the stage of Norwich's Maddermarket Theatre may not have been groundbreaking, but it instilled in me an adoration of the stage. I was shy and bookish (some may have called me a know-it-all), but when I was playing someone else, I could be bold, funny, and likable, or wicked, brooding, and spiteful. I began to take away the best parts of my characters, and on numerous scuffed stages, I came into my own.

I hope to be able to continue growing and expanding my repertoire, both as an actress, and as a person. By working towards a degree in Theatre Arts at Cornell, I'll discover how to help other five-year-olds discover their inner Liza. Among other fantastic learning opportunities, I will be able to create my own characters, discover the art of costume-making, perform in multicultural plays, and absorb a wealth of information in the Resident Professional Teaching Associates workshops. Perhaps by the end of my time in Schwartz I'll have my superstar moment...

Thanks in advance! I'll return the favor! :)
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Looking for fundamentals of how everything is functioning Cornell Arts & Sciences 'interests' prompt [7]

"And it was, until my trip to Hong Kong, in 2006, which caused me to want to explore medicine as well."

"However, I didn't see that uplifting smile I remembered her for, but, instead the nefarious lung cancer slowly devouring her."

"She lost the charisma, the energy, and the aura of affection that I remember her for."
You use the tense shift twice here, and you also repeat the same phrase. You should rephrase that; perhaps something like 'she had lost her characteristic energy, charisma, and aura of affection.' Just an example.

"I wanted to prevent other teenagers from having to face the same pain I felt of losing their loved ones."

It's good, but like you said, it's not super focused. It seems like you jump around a little from story to story - the real "meat" is in the last two paragraphs. Your writing is very strong there, and IMO, you shouldn't change that. Just try to consolidate the rest - if you can have one memorable story and the rest an explanation of your interests I think it will be a very effective essay.

Any chance of a return critique?
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "ethical dilemma that challenged you"; I stuck up with my beliefs and values [5]

The only things I noticed grammatically is that you shifted tenses: for example;
"It was a hard decision; but in the end, I stuck up with my beliefs and values. I strongly believe in honesty and I shouldn't let this pass."

Here, you go from past to present. Change shouldn't to couldn't/wouldn't, and it'll work.
Also, "talking bad about me" is incorrect. "Talking badly" or the slightly more pretentious "speaking ill of me" would work better.

"Redo what happened" sounds awkward; maybe "make a different decision"? In the long run, it's up to you how you want to phrase that! :)

Care to critique mine?
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "Santa Claus" Common Application Essay [9]

I really like this essay! When I saw the title and the first two lines, I was prepared for it to be one of those forced topics - you know, when you have a good idea, but you have to resort to bad writing to cram your ideas into it? Haha ;)

You didn't suffer from that at all! It flowed nicely.

I wouldn't make "How was I..." its own paragraph - your essay is already made up of lots of two-sentence paragraphs, and it doesn't need to be on its own. Other than that, I wouldn't change anything.
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / How horses transformed a science-phobe (revamped!) Cornell CALS Supplement [6]

I posted this the other day, but have since revamped it quite a bit - any thoughts?? This is my alternate major, I'll post my primary (Drama) essay soon. Thanks in advance - link me to your essay, and I'll return the favor! :D

I've never thought of myself as a "science person," always choosing, instead, to delve deeply into the arts. But I didn't need to throw myself into science - it came to me, in such a sly way that I never noticed it was there until I was hooked.

All my life I have ridden horses. I'm far from athletic, but somehow, when I'm working in unison with an animal, I no longer fumble and trip. My passion for all things equine - and my lack of all things monetary - led me to pursue jobs in stables, tending and riding the horses. For years I went from barn to barn, becoming the official "barn rat" at each - the kid who could always be counted on to stay late into the night walking a colicky horse, or sleep in the barn so as to feed the horses before school. In true barn rat fashion, I became the omnipresent shadow of anyone who might have something to teach me. I learned how to properly pull horseshoes, give Banamine injections, and train newly started horses.

When I was seventeen, I was offered an upgrade, and became a full-time, Olympic-level barn rat. At Team Windchase, a 70-horse Olympic facility, I rode constantly, grew some impressive shoveling muscles, and became the constant sidekick of the on-site veterinarian. I helped inseminate mares, birth foals, treat abscesses, remove bone chips, and even became a 'mother' when one of the farm's foals was orphaned. The hands-on experience thrilled and fascinated me, and I always assigned myself the arduous clean-up jobs in exchange for having ultrasounds and genetics explained in great detail.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. As I sat on my bed, sketching out Punnett squares in an attempt to determine the color of a newly-conceived foal, I realized I loved science. Rote memorization from a textbook hadn't installed that passion - using practical knowledge to help animals had. I may never go to vet school, but I hope to work with off-the-track Thoroughbreds, rehabilitating and retraining them as riding horses. Learning to look at science in a different light helped me realize its significance to my career goals.

The incredible research opportunities offered in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences will allow me to keep diving into science headfirst, applying classroom-gleaned knowledge to a practical outlet. The freedom to take classes in the Arts is liberating; Cornell would truly help me become a well-rounded individual, and pursue all my passions collectively. I don't know where I'll end up, but I do know that I want to be prepared for all eventualities. A Cornell education will give me the preparation I need to go anywhere. Who knows - perhaps I'll be the one explaining flexor tendons to the next generation of barn rats!
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Are you ready to learn?" - Common App Personal Essay? [12]

Oh my gosh, my mother would LOVE for me to have the same plans as you...she keeps hinting about going to law school! I'm destined to be broke - it's either theatre or international level equestrianism for me. ;)
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Are you ready to learn?" - Common App Personal Essay? [12]

Are you applying to Tisch or Steinhardt? If I didn't ride horses, I would be ALL over Tisch. :)
I'm applying to UMich (glutton for punishment, ha), Tulane, Northwestern, Vassar, Skidmore, Colgate, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, Williams, Tufts, UPenn, and UVA.
Such a ridic list, hahaha!

EDIT: Oh, and, for what it's worth, my best friend (who's a MT major at Tulane) has a sister who went to Smith for theatre and is getting her master's at Emerson. She always had good things to say about the Smith program!
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement essay - College of Agriculture & Life Sciences; Animal Sci [2]

I've never thought of myself as a "science person," always choosing, instead, to delve deeply into the arts. But I didn't need to throw myself into science - it came to me, in such a sly way that I never noticed it was there until I was hooked.

All my life I have ridden horses - I'm far from athletic, but somehow, when I'm working in unison with an animal, I no longer fumble and trip. My passion for all things equine - and my lack of all things monetary - led me to pursue jobs in stables, tending and riding the horses. For years I went from barn to barn, becoming the official "barn rat" at each - the kid who could always be counted on to stay late into the night walking a colicky horse, or sleep in the barn so as to feed the horses before school. In true barn rat fashion, I became the omnipresent shadow of anyone who might have something to teach me. I learned how to properly pull horseshoes, give Banamine injections, and train newly started horses.

When I was sixteen, I took it one step further - I became a full-time, Olympic-level barn rat. At Team Windchase, a 70-horse Olympic facility, I worked up to 16 hours a day, five-and-a-half days a week, and became the constant sidekick of the on-site veterinarian. I helped inseminate mares, birth foals, treat abscesses, remove bone chips, and even became a 'mother' when one of the farm's foals was orphaned. The hands-on experience thrilled and fascinated me, and I always assigned myself the arduous clean-up jobs in exchange for having ultrasounds and genetics explained in great detail.

Then, one day, it dawned on me. As I sat on my bed, sketching out Punnett squares in an attempt to determine the color of a newly-conceived foal, I realized I loved science. Rote memorization from a textbook hadn't installed that passion - using practical knowledge to help animals had. I may never go to vet school, but I hope to work with off-the-track Thoroughbreds, rehabilitating and retraining them as riding horses. By studying Animal Science at Cornell, I will be the best horseperson I can be, and I will have the opportunity to take many routes in life. Who knows - perhaps I'll be the one explaining flexor tendons to the next generation of barn rats!

Thank you so much! :)
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Are you ready to learn?" - Common App Personal Essay? [12]

"I stood at the edge of the room, my shiny black shoes stood silent on the gleaming hardwood floor."
You used 'stood' twice. Try to find another word to use. Perhaps 'waited' for the first one? Or something that portrays your anticipation? 'Stood' is a very flat word - it doesn't say much.

"With new determination and energy I took out a fresh sheet of lined paper and tried again relentlessly ."
I'm not sure if 'relentlessly' is the word you want here - the sentence sounds like you're describing one instance of trying again, but relentlessly would infer a whole span of attempts. Determinedly, or something similar, could work.

"My black shoes gleaming as they click-clicked on the hardwood floor while I walked toward my seat."
You've already told us your shoes gleam. It's up to you whether to keep it here - it doesn't quite go with your shiny-black-shoes continuation later in the essay; here, it just seems kind of redundant.

Overall, good essay! It's interesting how you combined tap-dancing and learning to write, although at the end I felt like I wanted to know more about the dancing, and the correlation between the two. It seems like you built up to something that wasn't quiiiiiite strong enough. It's an interesting combo, make it very memorable!! :D
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / U-Chicago Free Prompt AND Yale Secondary Essay! - Can I use it for both? :D [10]

I disagree with dizzydaydreams. I really enjoyed your essay - two of the things I dislike most in writing are pretentiousness and egoism, and neither of those were present. I do agree that the first sentence was quite hard to read - I understand what you were trying to do, but I think you just did too much. I don't have any other critiques other than: "...of their understanding for the effort I put..." should that be 'of'?

What are you going to write as the prompt for UChi?
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answers - Activity, and Secondary School Interruption [5]

Activity:

Act One, Scene One. The curtains open; the white-hot lights flick on with an electric hum. The silence in the audience is amplified by the omnipresent buzz of several dozen microphones, hidden within layers of the cast's clothing. All eyes are fixed center stage, waiting, wondering. Someone rustles a playbill; several rows back, another coughs. Backstage, we wait for our cue with bated breath.

The piano utters its first resonating note, and it's showtime.
Opening night, with its intangible mystique, is the crux of my lifelong love for the stage. In creating a character, I deconstruct my own inner workings. In hitting a note I long thought out of my range, I am empowered to try other impossibilities. In crying along with RENT, I feel the immense weight that theater can hold when done well. It has so much left to teach me, and I am so ready to learn.

Sec. School Interruption:

I decided to graduate as a junior from my (very small) Maine high school in order to further explore my foremost passion, equestrianism. As a lifelong rider living in a tiny community, I found that I had very limited opportunities to learn, compete, and network. After much communication and an extensive interview - which involved a three-day "audition" - I was offered a place as a working student in Olympian Phyllis Dawson's Team Windchase. Accomplishing this was one of my proudest moments - to be considered good enough to be a member of an Olympian's repertoire of staff is an incredible honor. I had never before seen horses, facilities, or riders of the caliber I encountered at Windchase.

Beyond the intense daily training I received, four other girls (all in their twenties) and I worked up to sixteen-hour days, doing jobs ranging from routine maintenance of the animals and stable, training young horses, assisting the veterinarian and farrier, birthing foals, and countless other assignments.

As the youngest in a team of five, and living away from home for the first time (an eight-hundred mile move), I often struggled to maintain the cool and calm composure I displayed outwardly. I was terribly homesick for the first three months, and it took some time to prove to my coworkers that I wasn't just a young and naïve high-school student. It would have been easy to pack it in and move home, giving the whole thing up as unsuccessful, but being there was a dream that I'd held onto since I was fourteen. Beyond that, I was quickly climbing the ranks in competition, meeting and networking with internationally renowned professionals, and gaining confidence in myself and my abilities which has certainly had an effect on all my other endeavors.

I emerged from the eight-month adventure a much more poised individual, harboring a more intrinsic understanding of what I need to do to be who I want to be. I welcome the next challenge with open arms, knowing that both the highs and the lows will shape me even more. Doubting myself, or my dreams, is not in my modus operandi; I will work as hard as I need to to achieve them. Gaining acceptance to a great school is my next Windchase.

Thank you! I will gladly return the favor if you'd like. :)
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My Common App essay - going to Princeton, Yale, Williams, Tufts, et al. [6]

Haha, Tilly is me, sorry. Should have clarified that.
I'm afraid it's probably very vague, but what I was aiming for is that only by enduring the hard times and the bumps in the road do we grow as people and become unique.

Thank you so much!! I always worry that my writing is unreadable, haha!
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / '...shook his head, sadly' - You have just completed your 300-page autobiography; page 217. [21]

Wow! Well, you're certainly a powerful writer - however, I agree with the previous posters that this is probably not what you want to convey to the AdCom. It comes across as pure shock-value - yes, they'll remember you, but it's very likely that they won't be able to get the image of you in this light out of their heads. Being different is a good thing, and being positive even better.
Ivy_Equestrian   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My Common App essay - going to Princeton, Yale, Williams, Tufts, et al. [6]

This is my Common App essay - the "other topic." As you can see, I'm very metaphor-happy! I'm working on trimming it down - particularly parts of the second paragraph, which I feel isn't hugely necessary, and a little whiny. I do NOT want to come across as whiny, haha! :) Any critiques would be MUCH appreciated! Thank you!!! :D

When I first came out of the box, I wasn't any different than the others. That's how they make us, you see - black and white; indistinguishable. We are merely canvas and rubber shells; lifeless casings with insignia emblazoned on our sides, proclamations of "All Stars" presupposing an illustrious future. Our soles are unscuffed, our laces, unfrayed. We are perfect, but we are all the same. It is those moments, days, and years after we leave our boxes that we start to really become. I suppose the same can be said for people; the fabric varies a little but each one is cut from the same pattern - two eyes, a nose, and a mouth stitched seamlessly onto a head, attached to a body. Their laces - the lifelines that bind them together - aren't outwardly visible, but they are there. Rather than cotton, they are made of emotions, experiences, memories, passion, pain, fear, and love.

...

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