tiliu
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement-Doodling- 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle' [5]
Thank you for your input. :)
Thank you for your input. :)
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement-Doodling- 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle' [5]
Please! I know that there is an abundant number of other essays needing peer review, but I would really appreciate critiques and thoughts. Thank you
Please! I know that there is an abundant number of other essays needing peer review, but I would really appreciate critiques and thoughts. Thank you
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS Essay- Finding Nemo [5]
Thank you very much. :)
If you have any essays you want me to read- just let me know.
Thank you very much. :)
If you have any essays you want me to read- just let me know.
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / nyu supplement - gatsby and summer [6]
First Question:
I like your approach, maybe when you mention the green light, you can be like, "as we watch for the green light you can tell me about her, the love of your life" or something. Just a suggestion.
Second Question:
I definitely think you should do your second option/essay. Not only is it descriptive, it shows you are dedicated to art without flaunting that you went to/participated in all these programs. When you talk about all the programs you have participated in (to show your worthiness) you can't make it obvious, it has to be in the passing, and you most definitely did that in the second option.
First Question:
I like your approach, maybe when you mention the green light, you can be like, "as we watch for the green light you can tell me about her, the love of your life" or something. Just a suggestion.
Second Question:
I definitely think you should do your second option/essay. Not only is it descriptive, it shows you are dedicated to art without flaunting that you went to/participated in all these programs. When you talk about all the programs you have participated in (to show your worthiness) you can't make it obvious, it has to be in the passing, and you most definitely did that in the second option.
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Arts & Sciences -- Interests [7]
"Ew! It looks disgusting!" shrieked (this is a good verb, but unless you were very young, I wouldn't imagine a guy shrieking, idk just a thought.) an appalled classmate. His pale white face and dilated pupils were the epitome of fear. As he staggered backward, his peers followed suit, the line of students around me thinning. Despite my every intention to sprint (i would include a direction, sprint away from the organ or something cause just to sprint (without knowing what is going to happen next seems a bit odd) , the shock of the situation anesthetized my legs. I could not budge. Although I have no proper recollection of the teacher summoning me, I still remember the icy sensation I felt as this fragile object eased into my hands. I was holding the heart of an Ovis aries. Or as it is more commonly known: Sheep. Almost immediately, the trauma I previously felt morphed into exhilaration. Did I really posses the most vital organ of the animal which I used to once count in my sleep? (very nice creative little comment)
Always believing science to involve objects of life, I was intrigued to later find out (word order seems a bit awkward -to later find out-) that only through the dead, did we find out more about the living. The prospect that (this) organ, merely ten centimeters long and weighing approximately 179 grams, determines the existence of an organism amazed me and sowed the seeds of my burgeoning interest in science. Although I established an in-depth curiosity for science almost seven years ago, my interest in the intricate subject evolved drastically. I went from understanding the functions of a sheep's heart in 5th grade to attempting to regenerate Neural Stem Progenitor cells in a mouse's brain during my summers.
Science requires genuine interest, innovative thinking and willingness to take risks; for me, the possibility of practicing, researching and understanding science as an undergraduate can be compared to daredevil activities such as skydiving and bungee jumping because of the rush of excitement that shoots through my veins. This is not an excitement triggered by centrifuging chemicals, but an excitement triggered by the realization that these same chemicals may hold the cure for cancer, vaccination for HIV or the treatment for Parkinson's Disease.
The advent of explanations to our society's problems are embedded in scientific research; I believe that by utilizing opportunities such as the Hughes Scholar Program available at Cornell University, I can further delve (if you want to use delve, perhaps i want to delve deeper, expanding my interest..) my interest in science by expanding upon my previous research experiences. By taking advantage of such opportunities available as Biological Sciences major, I hope to further my interest and research in the field of medicine by collaborating on research (instead of being, perhaps currently something at Cornell.. cause the way you have it, you don't want to just contribute on the research they are conducting now, but the research in the future also) being carried out at Cornell University. By meshing my interest in neurobiology with that of Professor Barbara Strupp, I believe that I can further my scientific curiosity at Cornell by testing lasting cognitive effects of prenatal cocaine exposure, (no comma really needed) through the use of a rat model to establish links to underlying neural mechanisms.
In conclusion, (it's never really need to say 'in conclusion' it is already pretty obvious that it's the last paragraph and you will be stringing all your final thoughts together.) I believe that utilizing such opportunities as an undergraduate at Cornell will adequately prepare me for medical school, and for a profession as a cardiologist. While I hope to learn a great deal from my experiences at Cornell University and employ the resources available to further my knowledge of science, I also hope to contribute to its campus and partake in it's strive for excellence at all levels.
Overall, I enjoyed your essay.
My comments are merely suggestions. :) I hope they at least helped a little bit.
"Ew! It looks disgusting!" shrieked (this is a good verb, but unless you were very young, I wouldn't imagine a guy shrieking, idk just a thought.) an appalled classmate. His pale white face and dilated pupils were the epitome of fear. As he staggered backward, his peers followed suit, the line of students around me thinning. Despite my every intention to sprint (i would include a direction, sprint away from the organ or something cause just to sprint (without knowing what is going to happen next seems a bit odd) , the shock of the situation anesthetized my legs. I could not budge. Although I have no proper recollection of the teacher summoning me, I still remember the icy sensation I felt as this fragile object eased into my hands. I was holding the heart of an Ovis aries. Or as it is more commonly known: Sheep. Almost immediately, the trauma I previously felt morphed into exhilaration. Did I really posses the most vital organ of the animal which I used to once count in my sleep? (very nice creative little comment)
Always believing science to involve objects of life, I was intrigued to later find out (word order seems a bit awkward -to later find out-) that only through the dead, did we find out more about the living. The prospect that (this) organ, merely ten centimeters long and weighing approximately 179 grams, determines the existence of an organism amazed me and sowed the seeds of my burgeoning interest in science. Although I established an in-depth curiosity for science almost seven years ago, my interest in the intricate subject evolved drastically. I went from understanding the functions of a sheep's heart in 5th grade to attempting to regenerate Neural Stem Progenitor cells in a mouse's brain during my summers.
Science requires genuine interest, innovative thinking and willingness to take risks; for me, the possibility of practicing, researching and understanding science as an undergraduate can be compared to daredevil activities such as skydiving and bungee jumping because of the rush of excitement that shoots through my veins. This is not an excitement triggered by centrifuging chemicals, but an excitement triggered by the realization that these same chemicals may hold the cure for cancer, vaccination for HIV or the treatment for Parkinson's Disease.
The advent of explanations to our society's problems are embedded in scientific research; I believe that by utilizing opportunities such as the Hughes Scholar Program available at Cornell University, I can further delve (if you want to use delve, perhaps i want to delve deeper, expanding my interest..) my interest in science by expanding upon my previous research experiences. By taking advantage of such opportunities available as Biological Sciences major, I hope to further my interest and research in the field of medicine by collaborating on research (instead of being, perhaps currently something at Cornell.. cause the way you have it, you don't want to just contribute on the research they are conducting now, but the research in the future also) being carried out at Cornell University. By meshing my interest in neurobiology with that of Professor Barbara Strupp, I believe that I can further my scientific curiosity at Cornell by testing lasting cognitive effects of prenatal cocaine exposure, (no comma really needed) through the use of a rat model to establish links to underlying neural mechanisms.
In conclusion, (it's never really need to say 'in conclusion' it is already pretty obvious that it's the last paragraph and you will be stringing all your final thoughts together.) I believe that utilizing such opportunities as an undergraduate at Cornell will adequately prepare me for medical school, and for a profession as a cardiologist. While I hope to learn a great deal from my experiences at Cornell University and employ the resources available to further my knowledge of science, I also hope to contribute to its campus and partake in it's strive for excellence at all levels.
Overall, I enjoyed your essay.
My comments are merely suggestions. :) I hope they at least helped a little bit.
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CAS Essay- Finding Nemo [5]
I wrote this for my Cornell CAS supplement.
I know some parts are a bit awkward, so I would love some input.
Of course, I will be sure to return the favor.
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interest, intended major, or field of study.(Maximum of 500 words. I have exactly 500 lol)
Charging toward the murky water in my pink flowery bathing suit I squealed as the chilly water collided with my warm skin. With my flotation device and goggles that allow me to see underwater, the ocean did not terrify me. At such a young age I couldn't comprehend the immensity and the depth of the ocean. Of course, as I got older, and when Finding Nemo became a huge blockbuster hit, I became aware of the deep depths of the ocean and what mysteries are hidden within.
Just as Dory and Merlin swam in the deep unknown, I also, began to explore biology, something new and exciting. Taking interest in such a broad branch of science intimidated me, but just as those courageous animated fish did, I just kept swimming. What they found was this menacing fish that illuminated in the darkness. What that intimidating fish found was dinner. What I found was an intense curiosity of not only how this fish managed to light up like Christmas, but also how it survives in such harsh conditions.
It wasn't until high school when I officially explored biology. I learned about genetics, and discovering what can get passed down from generation to generation was eye opening, to say the least. I learned about photosynthesis, and realized that this one process allows all the green vegetation to survive on our planet, which in turn allows us to survive. But then I learned about bioluminescence, which answered my questions about the fish that tried to devour Dory and Merlin. This fish isn't even the only creature capable of producing their own light. These bacteria, jellyfish, and starfish are all adapted to the darkness of the deep. Rich clusters of life flourish on the deep sea benthos 3000 feet below the ocean's surface. Instead of using the heat from the sun, they use the heat from the earth. Such creatures, such as tube worms, can thrive in a boiling chemical rich soup, chock-full of toxic chemicals and heavy metals. By mastering chemosynthesis, producing food from energy released by inorganic chemical reactions, they create a symbiotic relationship with the bacteria in the noxious brew.
I want to develop a symbiotic relationship with Cornell University. Merlin and Dory bravely plummeted into darkness; I also, am bravely and willingly entering the next stage in my life. I will take full advantage of wide spectrum of opportunities Cornell has to offer and will absorb what I need to help me adapt and prepare for my future. I don't exactly know what specific discipline I want to focus on; perhaps it is developmental biology, maybe it is biochemistry. Nonetheless, I am confident that Cornell will help me find what I am truly passionate to learn about, and will teach me well. In return, Cornell will receive a student, when in complete darkness, is motivated to find a light, or become a light. This student is not searching how to merely survive, but how to thrive in a new environment.
I wrote this for my Cornell CAS supplement.
I know some parts are a bit awkward, so I would love some input.
Of course, I will be sure to return the favor.
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interest, intended major, or field of study.(Maximum of 500 words. I have exactly 500 lol)
Charging toward the murky water in my pink flowery bathing suit I squealed as the chilly water collided with my warm skin. With my flotation device and goggles that allow me to see underwater, the ocean did not terrify me. At such a young age I couldn't comprehend the immensity and the depth of the ocean. Of course, as I got older, and when Finding Nemo became a huge blockbuster hit, I became aware of the deep depths of the ocean and what mysteries are hidden within.
Just as Dory and Merlin swam in the deep unknown, I also, began to explore biology, something new and exciting. Taking interest in such a broad branch of science intimidated me, but just as those courageous animated fish did, I just kept swimming. What they found was this menacing fish that illuminated in the darkness. What that intimidating fish found was dinner. What I found was an intense curiosity of not only how this fish managed to light up like Christmas, but also how it survives in such harsh conditions.
It wasn't until high school when I officially explored biology. I learned about genetics, and discovering what can get passed down from generation to generation was eye opening, to say the least. I learned about photosynthesis, and realized that this one process allows all the green vegetation to survive on our planet, which in turn allows us to survive. But then I learned about bioluminescence, which answered my questions about the fish that tried to devour Dory and Merlin. This fish isn't even the only creature capable of producing their own light. These bacteria, jellyfish, and starfish are all adapted to the darkness of the deep. Rich clusters of life flourish on the deep sea benthos 3000 feet below the ocean's surface. Instead of using the heat from the sun, they use the heat from the earth. Such creatures, such as tube worms, can thrive in a boiling chemical rich soup, chock-full of toxic chemicals and heavy metals. By mastering chemosynthesis, producing food from energy released by inorganic chemical reactions, they create a symbiotic relationship with the bacteria in the noxious brew.
I want to develop a symbiotic relationship with Cornell University. Merlin and Dory bravely plummeted into darkness; I also, am bravely and willingly entering the next stage in my life. I will take full advantage of wide spectrum of opportunities Cornell has to offer and will absorb what I need to help me adapt and prepare for my future. I don't exactly know what specific discipline I want to focus on; perhaps it is developmental biology, maybe it is biochemistry. Nonetheless, I am confident that Cornell will help me find what I am truly passionate to learn about, and will teach me well. In return, Cornell will receive a student, when in complete darkness, is motivated to find a light, or become a light. This student is not searching how to merely survive, but how to thrive in a new environment.
tiliu
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Creativity Essay - "Nighttime is like Progresso New England Clam Chowder." [4]
I would expect since this is MIT, that many people will want to flaunt their extensive research projects. They might enjoy this refreshing (humorous) essay.
I don't know though, I just finished writing an essay to William and Mary (liberal arts school) so my mind set is kind of out there at the moment.
So something safe to say,
whichever one would show your personality more. They want to read this and kind of get a glimpse of who you are, not what you have done.
I would expect since this is MIT, that many people will want to flaunt their extensive research projects. They might enjoy this refreshing (humorous) essay.
I don't know though, I just finished writing an essay to William and Mary (liberal arts school) so my mind set is kind of out there at the moment.
So something safe to say,
whichever one would show your personality more. They want to read this and kind of get a glimpse of who you are, not what you have done.
tiliu
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Creativity Essay - "Nighttime is like Progresso New England Clam Chowder." [4]
I really like it, the only problem is that it took me too long to understand where you were going, who lucy was.
The little blurb about coffee, is a bit random- which can be good. but if you're going to make. your. mom. talk. like. this- it makes it seem she's more than just merely saying something.
so my critique is a bit spazzy, sorry if it wasn't much help.
I really like it, the only problem is that it took me too long to understand where you were going, who lucy was.
The little blurb about coffee, is a bit random- which can be good. but if you're going to make. your. mom. talk. like. this- it makes it seem she's more than just merely saying something.
so my critique is a bit spazzy, sorry if it wasn't much help.
tiliu
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UVA Supplement-Doodling- 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle' [5]
All critiques are appreciated!
I'll be sure to read yours as well.
Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vise versa.
Half the class is asleep, the other half is mindlessly staring at their paper doodling. I am doing neither. Sleeping leaves me susceptible to embarrassment, and doodling requires me to draw idly while simultaneously diverting half of my attention to the lecture currently being given. This is an issue since I have always prospered in focusing my attention on one task at a time.
Doodles don't have to have deep concrete meaning, they can just be abstract shapes. Unfortunately, I cannot let my mind drift and let my hand blindly move across a corner of my notebook. After spending many years honing my artistic skills, I cannot help but automatically construct a composition even if my intention is to merely doodle. Even more frustrating, I feel obligated to refine all my doodles. If they aren't pleasing to the eye, I toil until they are.
When the flaws in something that is supposed to be filled with imperfections taunt me to improve them, I cannot keep them in such a state when the bell rings. The doodles are no longer something to pass the time; they become a laborious task that seeps over into my other classes. Having such a pull to fix something so silly, hopefully it is understandable why I prefer not to doodle at all.
It may seem juvenile to pretend to like doodling, but if word gets out, I would be known as not just 'the Asian girl who doesn't like rice', but also 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle'. Who knows, perhaps the teachers will delight in knowing at least one student will most likely not be doodling during their class.
All critiques are appreciated!
I'll be sure to read yours as well.
Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vise versa.
Half the class is asleep, the other half is mindlessly staring at their paper doodling. I am doing neither. Sleeping leaves me susceptible to embarrassment, and doodling requires me to draw idly while simultaneously diverting half of my attention to the lecture currently being given. This is an issue since I have always prospered in focusing my attention on one task at a time.
Doodles don't have to have deep concrete meaning, they can just be abstract shapes. Unfortunately, I cannot let my mind drift and let my hand blindly move across a corner of my notebook. After spending many years honing my artistic skills, I cannot help but automatically construct a composition even if my intention is to merely doodle. Even more frustrating, I feel obligated to refine all my doodles. If they aren't pleasing to the eye, I toil until they are.
When the flaws in something that is supposed to be filled with imperfections taunt me to improve them, I cannot keep them in such a state when the bell rings. The doodles are no longer something to pass the time; they become a laborious task that seeps over into my other classes. Having such a pull to fix something so silly, hopefully it is understandable why I prefer not to doodle at all.
It may seem juvenile to pretend to like doodling, but if word gets out, I would be known as not just 'the Asian girl who doesn't like rice', but also 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle'. Who knows, perhaps the teachers will delight in knowing at least one student will most likely not be doodling during their class.
