Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]

alrighty, edited once again. I really want to get this right @_@

When some days she felt inspired,
Wonders upon her canvas transpired.
Say perchance she spotted something desired;
She worked 'til what she sought was acquired.
Suppose heartbreak, hardships against her conspired;
She'd rethink the problems, her brain all rewired.
Into all that she did she'd put her whole soul,
The Flame in her heart always fueled with a goal.

Undergraduate / Portrait of a Muse. NYU Supplement - Movie of your life [6]

ohcrap @_@ i forgot to put the prompt. its for a movie to be made in 2050, about your life XP my bad.
but thanks for the compliment!

Undergraduate / "this elderly woman" - common app essay how person influenced you [4]

Sweating uncontrollably and considerably out of breath, I sat down on the dark green park bench to catch my breath. The frigid autumn air attacked my lungs as I gasped for air like as if <-I'm sure you didnt mean to, but choose one or the other. You cannot use both "as if" and "like". there ischange in tenses is a little strange. "Was" should replace "is" no air left on Earth. Glancing at the calm and barren park, I stared(here, "glancing" and "stared" kind of contradict eachother. Glances are fleeting, stares linger. in disbelief at the trees and looked at how they have adapted to change. The leaves rattled which "The rustling* leaves" would sound better here. created outlandish sounds as I closely observed the desolate park. The park was mind-bogglingly (you need an adverb) quiet as I could hear my own thoughts replay in my head. Nobody was screaming "goldfish" at the repugnant chess tables; nobody was screaming " foul" at the top of their lungs on the slightly-slanted basketball courts; nobody bellowed "your it" in a game of tag; nobody howled "cracks" in a game of handball. At that moment I felt alone and I was in complete disarray.

Without warning, I was approached by an elderly woman wrapped in a puffy dark blackdark and black together are a bit redundant. You could use one or the other. coat and checkered scarf shielding her white head Perhaps you could specify that she has white hair. This part confused me as I didn't know if white was describing her hair or her skin . Her dark brown eyes pierced me from her tilted glasses, her whitening smile had enticed me. As I looked upon the perennial woman, I saw that she was much older than I originally thought. Her fragile body seemed weak and exhausted as she walked toward the bench I was sitting on. Her brown and carved skin looked like a discarded and ancient paper bag left in the back of the closet. Her eyes shielded by her oddly-shaped eyeglasses, over the years, had grown dull and cloudy as though she had seen too much suffering. This sentence kind of contradicts what you said earlier about her eyes being "piercing". Using her worn out cane, she grinned loudlyHow does one grin loudly? perhaps you meant "grimaced" as she put pressure on her right leg to sit right beside me. As she spoke to me, her angelic voice captivated my attention and I was fixated on every word that came out of her dry mouth. Her child-like attitude and her cackling laughter made her seem as if she was in her early teen years and made me forget about my loneliness and the stresses of life.

Nit picky stuff like that. :/ This is a rough draft yes?
Overall it was very sweet, and I understand what you were going for in the contradicting descriptions, but you want to be careful not to contradict yourself on the same things.

Good job, and good luck!

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - essays and a limerick [5]

I love love love your second famous person essay!
However, your second poem is a bit harder to follow. I think it lacks focus on you, which is what it needs...but it could just be me.

Overall, I think you did a wonderful job though the essay could you a bit more work.
Good luck!

and if anyone has spare time, I'd greatly appreciate reviews on my essays

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]

oh, im sorry about the typo,but yeah, thats what I meant ^^;;
also, "wonders" was meant to be the noun, not the verb. I should probably change that word since its a bit unclear.
Thanks!

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Famous NewYorker and poem/limerick [13]

Took some suggestions, thanks guys!

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.)

Beautiful, Dirty, Rich, as well as intelligent and talented, Stefani Germanotta, better known as Lady Gaga, would make a day spent in The Big Apple unforgettable. Quirky and queer, we would bond at one of New York City's many karaoke bars, singing to our favorite tunes from the classics by Queen to the hits of Michael Jackson. Spending a day with this especially eccentric lady would show me fearless boldness, a quality important to any artist seeking to be original and creative.

The last sentence still seems a bit off to me :/

and I couldnt detect the tense change in the poem that someone pointed out. Also, is it too rhymey?

Undergraduate / Nyu, choose a famous new yorker, write a poem, movie, why selected major, summer [5]

hey, I'm applying to nyu too! :D

I really like how you incorporated your desire to cook into everything, and seeing as how you have many responses, I'm sure all the little nitpicky things and grammar and punctuation have already been edited. I think you did a great job :D Good luck !

If anyone has spare time, any suggestions/criticism on my nyu essays would be greatly appreciated. :D

Undergraduate / "MY OWN CURIOUS CASE " Feedbacks on my admission essay... [13]

I really enjoyed your essay. It was creative, and it really gave a sense of not only your personality but also the way you approach problems and think. You already have replies concerning grammatical errors, etc, so I wont bother with all that jazz, but I do wish you the best of luck!

If anyone has spare time, any suggestions/criticism on my nyu supplements would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

Undergraduate / The way I see myself: Stanford essay. To my roommate! [8]

The first line where you said "this is me, the way I see myself" seems a bit unnecessary, but other than that, it seems ok to me. That could just be the fatigue talking :/ I did just pull an all nighter..and for what I dont know. But I digress. You seem such a pleasant person! Good luck with your quest for a roomate!

also, could anyone do me a huge favor by looking over these NYU supplements? Thanks!

Undergraduate / Something important about me - Strange Supplement for College of William & Mary. [10]

clever clever! This will definitely make you stand out, especially from those who may also have fairly high scores and normal common app essays.

Since I'm a grammar nazi I'm going to pick on you for this one thing.

However, this has not stopped my pigheaded opinions from rearing their sharp, and often unwelcome, headS in many a socially-awkward situation.

I'm sure you knew that though, but at least nowI feel like i've at least said something constructive. Good luck! :D

if possible, could anyone do me the huge favor of looking at my NYU supplements?