Posts by dinochar

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "Concept of a new idea, and its Execution " ; Why Choose Carnegie Mellon? [6]

new idea, and the

I made a decision to find out exactly how these games were ~~exactly~~ made and proceeded to discover the massive world of digital technology and programming .

I ended up selling dozens of copies of my clever coding creation

Since my early foray into creating and lucratively selling my first computer game, my motivation has presented me with many chances along the way for me to delve into these new found discoveries what discoveries? (confusing word choice) . Entering high school, I founded a competitive robotics team that would eventually create a robot that with my programming knowledge ~~and running the C language,~~would defeat dozens of teams in a regional tournament, and qualify for the state finals.

BTW only got halfway through and wanted to share, but I'll be back with more edits. great essay and congrats on these achievements :)

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "Helen" - Common App People Who Influenced Essay. [11]

this is such a sweet essay :)

pulchritudinous - I honestly had to look that one up :P

As I look back into the past, I realized that I depended on Helen too often. Although we are no longer as close as we once were, I feel that she ultimately changed who I am today. This section is very different from the rest of your essay; I would either elaborate on it or remove it.

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / BU 3 words prompt- "PIN: Polemical, Inquisitive, Nocturnal". [11]

loooove this essay :). some suggestions:

I love talking, d on't get me wrong. But I am not Oprah. Talking about feelings and emotions is certainly not my forte. these sentences are a little choppy, maybe combine some.

Perhaps, my thirst for knowledge

Wasting time is regrettably, what I was required to do at my state speech qualifier.

Instead, I was outside headed off into a direction I found appealing in my efforts to explore the university's campus.

you seem to have stuck in a lot of commas (sometimes it interrupts the flow of your sentences), I'd look over it again in that regard

read mine please?

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / 'Exploring writers' - Stanford-A Good place-Why? [4]

ahaha I was wondering why you capitalized the adjectives at first, but I like it!

"Typical qualities people find in me as well." this sentence is a little awkward. maybe... "Diverse: typical qualities people find in me."?

have always been motivated (word switch)

However, my passion still rests on my language and its history. this is a little confusing because you never mentioned Spanish before.

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "a self-proclaimed mutt." - Stanford Roommate Essay [3]

I was born ofto an Asian mother

I was raised in various countries of Europe for more than half of my life, ~~moving~~relocating every four years or so.

I can be firm and stand my ground, ~~yet~~but my mind is always open to new ideas .

Feel free to ignore these, they're simply word choice suggestions. (i.e. "relocate" is more evocative that "move" to me).

I and would love a read back

dinochar

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / Life experiences and contributing vitality - another Bates supplement [3]

In addition to the Common Application essay, please respond in two or three paragraphs to the following question:
* How will you, with your life experiences, contribute to the vitality of Bates?

"I am not an over-achiever," I replied stubbornly, responding to my friend's comment after she saw my long activities resume. I hadn't set out to fill my resume with hobbies and leadership titles, it just sort of...happened. All I had done was follow my passions, take charge every now and then, and volunteer when my help was needed.

I have volunteered my time with everything from sewing buttons with seniors, to singing as Princess Leia in a family opera production, to moving 3rd grade girls through a fire safety obstacle course. I am a certified scuba diver, I play the ukulele in my spare time, I sewed the costumes for half of the Rebel Alliance, and I know how to put together a bike from scratch. I am myself and at my best when I am busy making something or helping someone else.

The summary of my life experiences is far from inspiring or exotic, but all of them have shaped who I am, and these qualities would contribute to the vitality at Bates. Merriam-Webster says vitality is, "the state of being strong and active," and I fully believe that is the best way to live and learn- to pursue one's passions. I seek out everyday adventures and next year I hope to share that passion for life and learning with other students at Bates.

things i would love comments on:
is the middle paragraph too full/braggy?
yes/no on the dictionary definition
is the first paragraph, too "go with the flow"?

I'd be glad to comment on your essay
4 hours left guys, we can make it!