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Posts by almacubana
Joined: Jan 1, 2010
Last Post: Jun 2, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 19  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 24
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almacubana   
Jun 2, 2010
Speeches / Graduation Speech: "Many People, Many Lives, Many Choices... One School" [3]

i actually really liked your speech. it's inspiring. i just graduated too, and i think yours is kinda better than our class' valedictorian's.

only comment: "make sure you reach for the life you really want and withfor the right reasons."

nice ending. that's all.
almacubana   
Jan 24, 2010
Scholarship / being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship? [3]

"Tell us what makes you a good college student"

So i don't really know how to answer this question, so tips and suggestions, as well as corrections, are most definitely appreciated!

My wish to further my education is mainly due to my unwavering passion of gaining knowledge. My hardworking single mother has done nothing but support me: bringing me from Cuba so I could have a better future though she feared this unknown country, where the language still baffles her. In Cuba, I was limited for eleven years of my life; I do not ever want to feel again as if I can not achieve my dreams.

I entered high school in the Magnet Program for Business, and all of my classes were in the International Baccalaureate Program. In my biology class, a whole new world, invisible to the unaided human eye, was suddenly presented to me: the molecular world. I felt the wheels turning as my teacher explained the life processes cells undergo in order to survive; well, Biology and I just clicked. Although I have learned more about cells, this knowledge only brought up more questions in my mind. I know what photosynthesis is and how enzymes are inhibited, but why is Photosystem I most efficient at P700 and why are enzymes not consumed while catalyzing reactions? The questions are never-ending, and though my young ignorance is frustrating, the novelty of learning something new is what attracts me to biology. It is a vast field of study with a plethora of unexplored areas that await for someone to discover them. I would not like petty things as money, or the hard stuff that life throws at me, to keep me from doing what I love doing most: learning.

I want this scholarship because it will help me achieve my goal of being somebody constructive in the world. Being an officer of the Robotics Club, Spanish Club, and Name that book club, while volunteering through Interact group, being member of National Honor Society and Future Business Leaders of America, have taught me not only of the importance of education, but of perseverance, through time management, and patience, through trial and error. Leadership and communication skills have been instilled in me. Going to college will not only enhance those skills, but mold me into a more well-rounded person who is prepared to face the professional world.

Tell me what you think.
First impressions?
Grammar error (especially sentence structure. Run-on sentences?)

almacubana   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgetown EFS Prompt, current global issue (medicine) [7]

and suddenly I am suddenly back from the brink of near(it's redundant because you use "brink" before) death

developing or industrialized (do u mean non-industrialized?) countries

much wider variesvariety

Kids my own age are still dying of HIV, TB, and malaria today <rewrite? make this sentence more powerful like:Every something minutes, kids my own age are currently dying.... simply because

In order for us to alleviate the suffering in this world,(worldwide suffering might be better used?) we need people from all countries and all fields to worktake action .

i really liked ur essay. it's strong and well written. ur intro drew me in.
i'm not too convinced about that last sentence though.

almacubana   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "my work ethics" - Babson Undergraduate Admission-150 word or less essay [4]

It was a candy shop to some, but a place of delicacy to many

time at work was nothingno different fromthan time

Equally itIt equally consisted of sweat and tears, both at itstheir best dispense

Now no longer the girl stacking boxes, I work behind a desk helping New York City patients at New York University Medical Center.

I imagine myself one day becomeing a strong

other than that, great short essay. ^_^ REview mine?

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/essay-someo ne-made-impact-life-due-today-15020/
almacubana   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay - Expressing My Inner World [6]

I loved this essay. It completely drew me in - I was holding my breath on to your very next word. The ending is what made it complete. You made it about you, but also about the other flutists. Well done :D

only thing i noticed:

The once nerve-wracking gazes of the audience pass by unnoticed, as I am absorbed into my music

Review mine? I know it needs a lot of work. any suggestion would help!

essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/essay-someo ne-made-impact-life-due-today-15020
almacubana   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Indefinite Growth" - Texas A&M - My Answer to Essay B [5]

Question:
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.


"Indefinite Growth"

A movie rolls in my head. I have become the director, and I see vivid colors engulfing me while imagined sounds provide special effects. Each scene transforms with a never-ending list of characters, continually changing, from a beautiful Japanese geisha to a haunting German ghost, from a brave blue dragon to a vicious, power-hungry vampire, from an enchanted portal to a deadly spell. Books open doorways to fantastic, action-packed or romantic worlds that can easily come to life by turning a few pages.

My very real neighborhood, however, provides shelter for low-income inhabitants, including recently arrived refugees from countries all over the world, but mainly from Africa and South America. Walking from the yellow school bus to my apartment, I see children everywhere. Cubans or Somalians, Bosnians or Angolans, they have grouped together, bonding while playing, and friendships have formed. Seeing them running around and listening to them playing loudly until late hours of the night, generally without much adult supervision, is a common and somewhat disturbing event.

Because a two-bedroom apartment somehow accommodates three to four families, many of the kids outside live in just one household. Children are particularly active, and these go to extreme measures to stay out of their apartments, often going all the way to the very end of the complex to "hang out." Is it because they feel too cramped inside? Do they need space to clear their heads? Most of them are in elementary and middle school. English is not their first language, but it is no secret that reading increases vocabulary, improves and maintains spelling and develops comprehension skills. Reading boosts analytical thinking, and the grey cells of the brain increase when children must deal with topics, ideas and words that are unknown and completely unfamiliar. I wish there were a program in my neighborhood that would encourage all of these children to participate in reading activities. Language in children's books is likely to be more sophisticated than the average, everyday conversations they have with their friends. By nature, kids are curious, and books can provide stimulation for their probing minds, which is vital to their success in life.

Reading books brings me a great deal of pleasure. I can sit for hours reading novels, poems and short stories; I never get tired of it. If the other immigrant children in my neighborhood were to become interested in reading, they might avoid the addictions of television, video games and violent films, which are so dangerous to their development. The more these kids read, the more valuable information they will absorb, and the more knowledge they will gain. I wish I could invite them in so they too could inhabit the worlds I have come to love through reading. By these means perhaps I could save them from the mean, dangerous streets of my neighborhood and give them a chance to enjoy the same rich literary movies that roll in my head.

First impressions? Comments and suggestions? Grammatical errors, etc
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school? [6]

2nd revision

liebe, i feel that the first part is what explains how i got so into bio...
I need to shorten this down though to less than 3000 characters (with space). Right now, it's 3,135. help! (will revise in return)

almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]

I like you essay, if others find the last paragraph non-related, just make a short mention of the mouse somewhere in the previous ones. Then it won't sound as if the story came out of nowhere and you'd have prepared the reader.

Review mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "quirky, independently-minded partner" - Why Vassar essay [9]

your first paragraph This confused me. I thought you were reading a poster someone posted on a school hallway and you were reading it. Show me that it is a "SCHOOL" that YOU are looking for, and that your "partner" is not a friend you're trying to find. that's my impression

Apart from that, I. absolutely. loved. it. yep, that's right. it is a fun, witty, well-written, essay. I was smiling while reading, and your descriptions of the colleges u discarded, they sounded real. it flows and it's very natural. great job!

Review mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / About my family and God - princeton essay most significat person [4]

"one's life."a person'sbest not to use "one" or "you" in a formal, semi-formal essay

Every week at church loud shouting noises reverberated through the quiet church as I sat in the front. Be specific. Every Sunday? what days did you attend? Each time I wondered what that sound was or who was making it. Months into attending church, my mom told me that there was a mentally retarded boy around my age that went to our church and made those noises. Sounds odd. maybe "I had been attending church now for a few months when my mom..."

WOW. just...WOW. very well written. I swear I was holding my breath while reading. Really vivid, great details. Sorry if you already turned it in.

Tell me what you think about mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Contribution you have made to a community - GMU undergraduate admissions essay [4]

I am selfish. I am selfish for wanting everything,. If I see something I like, it' s in my possession instantly.

I didn't did not realize how much they were right. Joining the student government association is, one of the most wonderful experience inof my high school career.

[It became apart of my life to give back to the school. It felt moral or like an obligation for me to join it.]Revise. maybe: "It became part of my everyday life. Giving back to the school felt like a compulsion instead of an obligation; it was morally right to give back to the school." the word obligation kind of has a bad connotation, so it sounded awkward

... offered a community service opportunity. And If I completed the two hours of the offered community service I wouldn't would not have to do the required of five hours of community service. I decided to do it andto get my service hours over with.

I went to help an organization called Our neighbors child, and non-profit community based that provide holiday gifts for low income families. Revise maybe? I went to help Our Neighbors, a non-profit community-based organization that provides holiday gifts to low income families

I walked in the storage warehouse full of toys and gifts. I though to myself ,"I asked myself, is this..." or "I wondered if this was..." is this really going to thousands of kids.

Andif you're using words like "and" there has to be a comma afterward. instead of the 2 hours I stayed 3 more hours. I felt so happy even though I wasn'twas not getting any of the gifts.

Maybe if you elaborated more. Like "I was so focused that time flew by; instead of two hours, I stayed three more.

I was selfish to help out more. I was selfish to want to give away everything.

it's good, but you need to connect this experience to how you now understand that your parents were right about telling you to pay more attention to the things in life u used to take for granted. how did this change your perspective?

i liked how you started and ended. just revise a little bit..

can you tell me what you think about mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / My respect for my ideneity in Quito, Ecuador- Common App [6]

"When is there an opportunity to use Chinese?" my dad impatiently said in Cantonese." my dad asked impatiently

I didn't know no contractions

towards there's no "s" EVER for this word (i didn't know either 'til my english teacher told me!)

It was my embarrassment towards my culture that drove me to believe that I would not be welcomed in Ecuador. revise. maybe something like "It was shameful of me to have felt embarrassed about my culture; a mistake that led me to believe I would not be welcomed...

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your essay. very well written with lots of details

tell me what you think about mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / BU supplement: describe yourself in 3 words; 'education and new aadventures' [4]

Throughout my life, people have misjudged um, what is your appereace? how have other people misjudged you? me based on appearance while my true unique qualities are to be hidden in the shadows. People do not realize that I am actually versatile, persistent and caring in realityredundant ; instead, they are too ignorant to form a relationship with me. I am athe type of person who works hard to achieve itsmy goals and take time to assist others when they are in difficult situations. I also believe textbooks, facts on the internet and teachers' advices are not enough for a student to expand his or her knowledge. Rather, a student must involve in a variety of activities beyond the classrooms to obtain a well-rounded perspective of the surroundings.

For most colleges or universities, going to class is optional and most teachers do not even take attendance. However, to be a good student, one must attend every session regardless of any excuses. (<- it's always better not to use "one", or "you" for that matter, in an essay)My curiosity toin learning new academicstoo vague, use maybe "subjects" at Boston University will motivate me to attend each of these sessions and be consistent throughout the semesters. I will also make sure that my grades on exams, assignments and projects are completed with full effort because minimum effort ("effort" mentioned twice sounds odd, maybe completed with full effort because otherwise, not doing the best I can is not an option or something like thatis not an option for me. I believe hard work and perseverance are the "keys" to future benefits in which I can contribute to the BU community by involving in numerous clubs and events while still maintaining a decent grade point average. (<- maybe here you could name a few clubs you might be interested in)

Another quality I possess is my persistency in overcoming obstacles. For me , my biggest pet peeve is when problems go unsolved. My anxiety grows larger until my mind urges me to go back and fix my problems. So if Boston University administration were to stumble onto a difficult financial situation, I would be willing to uphold fundraisers to help this university raise money for better quality of classroom equipments, facilities, and etcbest not use etc. be specific, name more possible problems or just add an "and" in between equipments and facilities) . Until a feasible amount of money is paid, I would never give up on the fundraisers.

Lastly, most new upcoming students find it difficult in moving onto a new environment for college. most new upcoming students find it difficult to move / or/ most new upcoming students have difficulty moving They strictly believe stress will overcome their mentality and will have severe meltdowns. So as a caring individual, I am always enthusiastic to assist them in any way such as offering tours around the BU campus, providing assistance in completing assignments, and giving positive influential advice into surviving college. I will not accept a student left behind or a student giving up on his or her education. I believe all students have the potential to graduate from a university but most lack the confidence to do so. This is the reason why I will boost the self esteems of many fellow students upon my arrival at Boston University.

Overall, Boston University is the perfect university for me. All my interests in education and new adventures seem to be well suited in Boston. I hope the administration will acknowledge my unique qualities mentioned above and accept me as its new member.

I think your essay is very personal, so i liked it. it would be better if you could also include things you have done, like giving examples and describing them, about these qualities you possess. not just what you will do at BU, but you've already helped such and such in not having a meltdown before a really hard calculus test or something..oh, and you should name your essay!

tell me what you think about mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school? [6]

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.(3000 characters available)

I like knowing how things work. As a little girl, I would sit next to my mother as soon as I saw her revising her students' work on plant anatomy. Her old textbooks on plant physiology fascinated me; the detailed pictures of the intricate inside of a plant's stem transfixed me. My mother answered my questions as best as she could, often shrinking the facts so that my eight-year-old mind could comprehend them. On one page, the plant and its name, on the next, the individual leaf, then, a group of cells, the organelles and their functions; the more pages I turned, the more engrossed I became. As a child, scientific names were forgotten as soon as they were read. The images, however, were carved into my mind and a flame sparked. My International Baccalaureate Biology classes fed that fire; now, a senior in high school, all I can see myself doing is learning more about living tissue and cell behavior, not just how, but why. A whole new world, invisible to the unaided human eye, was suddenly presented to me: the molecular world. I felt the wheels turning as my teacher explained the life processes cells undergo in order to survive; Biology and I were in the same wavelength.

Although I have learned more about cells, this knowledge only brought up more questions in my mind. I know what photosynthesis is and how enzymes are inhibited, but why is Photosystem I most efficient at P700 and why are enzymes not consumed while catalyzing chemical reactions? The questions are never-ending, and though my young ignorance is frustrating, the novelty of learning something new is what attracts me to biology. It is a vast field of study with a plethora of unexplored areas that await for someone to discover them. Oh the many possibilities! Just thinking about making a new discovery, a biological breakthrough, makes me nervous and excited! Yet before that, I need to become more acquainted with biology; that is where the Weiss School of Natural Sciences comes in.

I want to explore the complex, fascinating inner life of cells and raise the current level of understanding in this field of science. Weiss School of Natural Sciences offers outstanding and creative educational programs for biology majors. The department of Biochemistry and Cell Biology (BCB) and its biosciences curriculum has an extensive list of required courses and electives that target specific subjects, such as Bios 440 on Enzyme Mechanisms. Additionally, experience gained with the hands-on research provided, be it on Plant Biology or Microbiology, will help me think outside the box, enhancing what I learn in lectures and textbooks. Like Rice as a whole, Weiss' mission to provide students with the best possible education and the wide range of research activities over which the BCB department spans, are most appealing. The Weiss School of Natural Sciences will prepare me so I can be ready to go on to graduate school and enter the scientific world.

First impressions? I think I was pretty specific. I talk about area of study, biology, and the school of study, weiss ( I didn't really know which one the question was asking) Help me with the grammar! I mean, does it flow? help me with that last sentence, it sounds a little strange but i can't think of how to revise it...Give as many suggestions as you can!! thanks in advance :D
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay about the emergence of China - "For when China wakes, it will shake the world" [5]

"With a heart for China(this sounds a little awkward, maybe 'with my eyes on China and a hopeful heart on the future' , I will be patiently anticipating to enhance the(not needed) global cooperation on world matters we will need to deal (maybe, 'approach') as one."

hope that helps..

Review my rice essay!
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / My Common App main Essay - Unsolved mystery of my life [5]

I took a quick glance behind me and saw the birds chasing after me.

"down by a clown wasn't my first" . no contractions

"However, this mysterious dream of being chased down by a clown wasn't my first." weren't they birds at first? make it clearer that it was on another occasion that a clown chased you.

other than that, great essay.

could you review mine?
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "Especial" - Rice supplement essay. [4]

The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?

"Especial"

I knew she trusted me, but I still wondered why my mother had asked eight-year old me to go to that place alone, making me ride the horse carriage for almost an hour. Although the door was ajar, I knocked tentatively, not sure of what to expect. A loud "entra!" gave me permission to go in. I pushed the door slightly, and through a thick cloud of smoke I saw a group of men sitting at a round table, excitedly playing dominos. The room suddenly grew silent as I stepped in. They were drinking black coffee, and one of them had a big cigar between his lips. The latter fit my mother's description, as he seemed to be the oldest. I moved toward the shadowy man, but could not help lowering my head as a chilling, bemused smirk spread across his face. I remembered my mother's warning to be as quiet as I could. "I was wondering if you have any powdered milk?" I whispered. He chuckled humorlessly and nodded. I gave him twenty pesos for a little black bag, one that contained two weeks' worth of the scarce supply Cubans desperately sought. The secrecy, of course, was due to a high demand for milk and the utter lack of supply. My mother did not want me to expose our supplier by asking him for milk in front of other people. It was not that there was no money; there was no food - period.

The USSR fell, and so did Cuba. During el período especial, or the Special Period, poverty was extreme. Lines at the bodegas and placitas for rationed food Cubans could purchase with la libreta, or rationing booklet, went around the street corners, making the people appear to be part of a large, hungry snake. To make matters worse, dengue reemerged in Santiago de Cuba in 1997, a fever I was lucky to survive. The government could not properly supply hospitals and schools. Teachers counted our textbooks every day, and notebooks, pencils and erasers were to stay at school. I once lost my eraser and had to immediately pay the school back. Nevertheless, education is a high priority in Cuba. Scantrons were completely foreign to me five years ago, because in Cuban schools all assignments, quizzes and tests were in essay-form and handwritten. In some ways the objective tests I have taken in American schools have limited my opportunity to show that I appreciate different perspectives and different opinions on certain topics. Regardless, the United States has more equipment available for students than I ever dreamt possible. In a recent biology lab, we were required to use microscopes. When I entered the classroom, I saw a whole array of these instruments, and I recalled how I was not allowed to touch them in my mother's school. Now I was required to use them! I itched to touch one, but when I looked around, I noticed how blasé my classmates were about this requirement that so excited me.

Although it was fatiguing, el período especial did force Cuba to interact with the rest of the world, by shifting its economic focus from the Soviet Union to the vicissitudes of tourism. A whole new world opened for Cubans, new markets and even new music that revitalized a lethargic nation. The old, classic music never left, however. Salsa, danzón, merengue and the son, the most Cuban of all types of music, with the claves, maracas, and drums, were merely modernized. Music is everywhere; rhythm is the soul of Cuba. During the carnivals of Santiago de Cuba, vendors set up kiosks and sell delicious, though unhealthy food, while their cassette players blare at full volume and the attendees dance. In 2003, the first and last carnival of this sort I ever attended, completely dazzled me. I shared food, laughed at old jokes and pretended to know how to dance with people I had never met. "Extrańos familiares", I called them. Later, I joined my neighborhood's "conga", an event that means fun to every Cuban. Although the line started only a few blocks away, the sound of the Chinese trumpet and the traditional conga drums carried the tune and called to passersby to join in. In Santiago the electricity comes and goes every four hours, and there really is not much to do when it is dark and there is no power, so the "congas" always brought such joy. Adults and children interact, and everybody learns everything about everyone else in the neighborhood. Each block becomes a small community. We all depended on each other, trading food and clothes, always looking out for one another.

In suburban neighborhoods near my American home, I have observed people click on their garage door openers, park their cars inside, and fail to see the face of the person living right next door. Americans actually have to make an effort to talk to others and to establish relationships. I come from a society where even if I had been inclined to be alone, I could not have pulled it off. Not only were all aspects of my life wrapped around other people who lived near me, but also the Comité de Defense de la Revolución, or the Revolution's Defense Committee in each neighborhood forced us to interact. In the United States I do not know my neighbors, not even their names! While up to three families can live in one house in Cuba, most of my friends here have never even shared a bathroom, much less a bedroom. Until two years ago I still shared a bedroom with my mother, and my American friends seem baffled by that information. Life in a dormitory or college is unusual for them, but it is normal for me. I would be thrilled to be part of the friendly closeness of communal life at Rice. While I am not athletic and would probably not be able to help my college win the Beer Bike Race, I nevertheless would want to be as active as I possible could be in my college and in the larger Rice community.

Because I was denied so many opportunities to grow in Cuba, I want to expand my horizons and reach places my family never dreamed possible. I intensely appreciate the academic freedom American schools enjoy, and I can not wait to feel supported by other people who share the same passion and interests that I do.

What do you think? Give suggestions!
almacubana   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / School's name - Rice supplement - what motivated to you to apply? [6]

What motivated you to apply to Rice University? Please be specific and limit your response to 200 words.

What first attracted me to this school was its name, "Rice". Two years ago, I had been completely unaware of Rice University. While my friend, Rachael, and I were researching for a business project on the agricultural system, I randomly clicked on a link that guided me to its website. As I browsed, I read about the abundant undergraduate, future-oriented research possibilities with world-class professors, the opportunities of studying abroad, and the chance of interacting with a nationally and internationally diverse student body. Although these are some of the most interesting aspects of Rice, what appeals to me the most is that Rice is right here in Houston, a few minutes away from home. I am finally comfortable in this city; unlike some of my friends, I do not want to leave home to go to college. Rice presents me with the opportunity of staying and still getting top-notch education. I immediately considered the institution as one of my top schools.

I want a rigorous course of study, one that will stimulate my way of thinking and will push my limits. I need heated and insightful classroom discussions that will improve my higher level thinking skills. I crave to rack my brain searching for answers until I can come up with innovative ways of solving questions. Because of small-sized classes and close contact with teachers, I know I can find that at Rice. I like that at Rice, I can double major even if my second choice is not in the same school of study, while taking other classes that spark my interest. Furthermore, picturing myself attending a school that is not only architecturally beautiful, but has small five-to-one student to faculty ratio, made Rice even more attractive. Rice's residential colleges and different approach on undergraduate studies will allow me to have the education and American college experience I seek.

WORD COUNT: 170

Please help me with the grammar and sentence structure. By the latter I mean tell me if i have run-on sentences that are best separated...

Does it flow? Does it sound generic?
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