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Posts by jinglebells
Joined: Jan 2, 2010
Last Post: Jan 9, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 15  

From: united States

Displayed posts: 18
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jinglebells   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Spanish and Japanese language' - Contributing to a Cultural Community [3]

I would be able to make the community of the University of Washington different by bringing my experience of piano and my knowledge of the languages taught to me at my high school. <I think you maybe want to reword this sentence

each one provided a lot of details of its origins.

Maybe you should list some specific things you've learned from African/Chinese music. In one sentence, write how they're similar and different.

I was able to learn a lot about the traditions and customs of each country's main heritages.

Once again, just be a little more specific.

Overall I think it's amazing that you're so culturally aware. That's very unique and very admirable. I think all you really need to do is make your essay a little less vague. You have up to 500 words. Don't be scared to use more of them!

Good luck! And don't worry about editing my stuff, haha. They've already been submitted.
jinglebells   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "A song with a prolonged "Aaaahh" - Personal Essay [12]

The song must end with a prolonged "Aaaahh. ". It creates resounding effects that move listeners' hearts.
_ I know the song better. I have sung it since the age of ten or twelve. It shouldn't be performed in that awkward style. Just make it clear-cut.

_ My darling, don't listen to her if you want to impress the judge. Now sing after me...
_ No, my girl, listen to me. Sing this way...
_ Aaahh... Let me teach our girl the right way...

haha brilliant introduction!

Voices mixed up so turbulently that I could not heed anything. Mom and Dad were arguing over a children's song that I was going to perform in a talent show at my primary school. The petite song- sweet and peaceful- was still able to kindle my parents' opposition.

This sort of dialogue appears frequently in my life. Yes, I have been growing up amid contrastsdisagreements between Mom and Dad. It evensometimes appears impossible to understand how they have spent over twenty years living with each other while having little in common. Their perspectives, their likes and dislikes, their routines... all seem not merely different, but opposite. Their incessant debates roll over myriad topics: dining out or cooking at home, getting up? late or early, having a dynamic or quiet lifestyle, sometimes about my educational inclination- natural sciences or English.

I have to admit my parents' polarized points of view used to drive me insane. They vexed me so terribly that my head for many timesoften stopped processing what they were fighting for, my ears perceivedattained nothing else but an irksome sound mimicking the distorted voice of an out-of-order tape: "Eow...Eow...Eow..." haha! hilarious .Even when they tried to give me the best advice, of course by racing or weighing their own, I had the least sense of gratitude, but most the regret that I had brought up problems to my parents < This sentence is confusing. I don't know what you're trying to say . When differences between them turned into a huge row, it struck my young mind harshly. I just concealed myself in the room, weeping, covering my head with a pillow and hoping it would help me muffle the outside heart-breaking noises.

As time goeswent by, it enabled me to earn mature thinkingbegin to think maturely and to discover a way of benefit ting even from unpleasant situations. The world I am living in fact naturally consists of extremely contradictory components, but they create diversity and save me from monotony. I have come to find outthat sometimes, myof Mom's and Dad's views can both make sense, whichand do not need to eliminate each other. Actually,M y parents' distinctions teach me how to listen, assess and appreciate miscellaneous ideas.

I have gradually build t up my passion for solving cryptic Math problems while gradually gaining the confidence to communicate in English. My life grows opulentrich , spiritually. At times, I ensconce myself in a serene corner, looking out over a verdantdon't depend on the thesaurus too muchfresh lawn with theopeninga clear, blue sky overhead . I seek for a calm feeling, meditatethink about my future in ten years, or wallow in everyabsorb myself in the stories of "Chicken Soup for the Soul". At other times, I see myself absorbed in a fervent < wrong word. atmosphere of my high school Foreign Language Show. I am singing and dancing with all my heart, so vehementlypassionately that onewould laugh disbelievingly if I said I liked tranquility. I also learn how to confront struggles: I learn to look at the problem in a positive light rather than allow myself to be easily defeated easily by the difficulties arisingI face . Yes, discrepancies of my parents have penetrated deeply in me now.

Living with two incompatible sources of view may lead one to dilemma. For me, nevertheless, Mom and Dad's distinct ways of perceiving life have opened me up to multitude facets of a matter < this is very awkward. i do not understand what you're trying to say , trained me to have the fullestobserve arguments criticallyobservation and brought me up to and to mature into a well-rounded adult . Until now, they might still continue their petty dispute between the resounding effects "aaahhh" and the "clear cut" if I mentioned about it. But though split in many a way, Mom and Dad do have at least one thing in common - I believe the likely most meaningful - their eternal love for me.so you told your parents to stop fighting? I'm confused
jinglebells   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am Chinese. I am Filipino. I am Canadian." - Stanford Roommate Supplement [10]

It probably not a good idea to base your essay off of stereotypes. I think you can use the essay, but maybe change the words "Chinese," "Filipino," and "Canadian," to "Driven," "Open,"... you get the idea.

And don't say that you're shy. That isn't going to help you.

I like the structure of your essay, although I agree it could be a little less aggressive. It has lots of potential of becoming amazing.
jinglebells   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- In the Arms of the Angel! [3]

His aura was white, almost blinding; yet, his presence seemed to draw you in like a light at the end of the tunnel. I could have sworn I saw wings at the end of his coat, but the eerie calmness of the room could could have made any person delirious.

Overall, great essay! You told a story, just like you were supposed to. And you told it amazingly well. The only other suggestions I can offer are to cut down the word count a bit so that it's around 500-600 words, and to cut out some of the parts when you say "he was an angel". Overall, very solid. Very good. Great job and good luck!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / CU - Boulder Essay about diversity and winter survival (500 words) [4]

... but the sky finally opened up maybe i'm just not familiar with this expression but when I imagine the sky opening up, I think of the clouds dispersing and it started to pour.

wow. this essay was fricking amazing. it was a story. and not one part of it bored me. great job!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]

omg i read a book named My Name is Asher Lev. fricking good it was.

Overall great essay! It kept my attention the whole time. The only thing you need to work on is cutting down some repetitive phrases. Good luck!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts Beyond Tolerance. required essay. [4]

. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

My father is a hardworking man. Although he often returns from work around ten in the night, he is always calm and levelheaded. My mother is more lively, but shares my father's sensibility. Both of my parents always emphasized the importance of not only tolerating people who are different from me, but also accepting them. Only recently have I come to understand what they meant.

Tolerance implies a grudging willingness to bear with people. It signifies a sacrificial attitude that is only a step away from ostracism. Expressing only a tolerant attitude, it is impossible to fully appreciate what people who are dissimilar from you have to offer.

Acceptance, on the other hand, does not necessarily mean agreeing with the type of lifestyle a person has chosen, but understanding that the person has his own reasons for behaving the way that he does. It is comprehension that your views are just as foreign to that person as his views are to you. Acceptance is not an act of submission, or indifference, but an act of respect and a demonstration of equality.

With this realization, I have come to develop a belief system that since everyone has developed under different genetic and environmental influences, they react in different manners to the same circumstances. I acknowledge our differences in opinions, but I do not allow those differences to impede me from forming close relationships with that person. Because of this, I have developed close friendships with people of many varying ethnic and ideological backgrounds.

Tolerance does not breed the unified society necessary to tackle the world's many problems. Acceptance does.
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Gift not for trade' -Tufts the environment in which you were raised shaped you [5]

haha i love it!

We would always stay a while, allowing them to bump itno us clumsily as they reached deft tongues out to catch a taste of our faces. Their kisses were sloppy.

oh woah moo and not cows?? i'm confused now.

I love the ending. I love the piece as a whole. It has lots of imagery and really shows who you've become.

Please edit mine!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts Self-identity [7]

should it be a colon? i already have a dash in that sentence. i suck at this kind of grammar, too.
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts Self-identity [7]

constantly inventing beats and melodies, I need time to cultivate my own creativity. (lol well this entire part's supposed to be connected to why i don't own an iPod)

The fortune cookies and Singer are all supposed to connect to idealism

Ok I'll try to work on making them blend together more. Thanks!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts Self-identity [7]

Please give me feedback on this essay. I'll critique yours in return.

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

I eat lunch with people from every (inhabited) continent. Sharing their enthusiasm for their cultures, I now indulge in Japanese dramas and Swedish pop. However, I do not own an iPod; constantly inventing beats and melodies, I need time to cultivate my own creativity.

I believe words like "dream" and "determination" mean well, but have been unjustly worn down by clichés. New words need to be invented to revive them. I save the slips of paper encased in fortune cookies, and I would love to meet Peter Singer to discuss his vision for ending poverty.

As an animal lover, I insist on releasing spiders into the wild, rather than smashing them with shoes. As an environmentalist, I try to recycle every scrap of paper possible-from receipts to can labels.

I like hiking, wear bootcut jeans, and truly enjoy community service. I jog up and down staircases, love cookie dough ice cream, and have found that people aren't as full of hate as they claim.

I am an amalgamation of different thoughts and interests and opinions. Diversity, idealism, and passion-put them in the people-processor machine and whoop! Out pops _______, ready to take her place in Tufts, Class of 2014.
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Brown University Supplement Essay (Parasites and Biology) [6]

Haha I love the first paragraph!

"in a week". hm, not sure what to do about that part. obviously, this was from a while ago.

"I had to make sure that I was getting on that van to UW-did I mention that the lucky students would get a private question and answer session with the man of the hour, Dr. Wes Van Voorhis? " this part is confusing

We began the day with a luncheon with the university's faculty and afterwards given a private tour of the labs at the UW and I remember thinking to myself, "Oh man, oh man, oh man!" maybe split up the sentences?

I went home that night all smiles and with newfound inspiration and desire to pursue a career in biology.
well you were obviously interested in bio before. are you sure this one event made you want to pursue a career in biology?

an expert in his field. I envy those qualities... this part is a bit awk. maybe a transition or reword a bit?

Eh 64 words should be nothing. great essay! held my attention the whole time. very unique.
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Are we alone?" supplement Revision [4]

Extraterrestrial life has always captivated my imagination. "E.T." is among my favorite movies, and humans fighting aliens (maybe the battle between humans and aliens) in my favorite video game, "Halo," has entertained me for years.

Instead, my dreams continue, but are altered. Now I contemplate if? one day, far into the future, humans will be part of an intergalactic community and how far science will be able to take us in exploring the galaxy that surrounds our Earth.

I really like this essay. It has a lot of voice and is pretty much ready to submit. Good luck getting in!
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / biology department, Why Tufts? 50 words [5]

Haha yeah the first 2 sentences were my failed attempt at a Boston accent. Thanks for the feedback.

I'm checking yours out right now
jinglebells   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / biology department, Why Tufts? 50 words [5]

I'd lauv to come to Boston. I'd lauv to come to Tufts. I am drawn to Tufts' outstanding biology department, affable student body, and caring, accessible teachers. Tufts embraces its students' quirks and dreams, striving to create an optimistic environment where they can thrive. This compassionate atmosphere will help me achieve my vision of being a doctor.
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