0mkar
Feb 12, 2010
Graduate / Politics, History and Economics - SOP- for Masters in Public Policy in the UK [3]
Hi Amruta,
Firstly, your english is excellent and your essay has a really convinving tone. Try structuring your SOP into well defined paragraphs.
Lets review it --
Ummm.. I am not too sure about this statement:
Had nature not intervened, I would have been a ballerina in a dance troupe, a geologist studying obscure landforms in a faraway land, a botanist or an actor.
I don't question its sincerity, but its appropriateness in this context; Makes it look like you were never sure what you wanted to be, and you are what you are simply because you had not been left with a choice! Very weak statement to start your essay with.. you may want to consider changing it.
The paragraph about how engineering has helped you is good stuff! You may want to build a little more on the part about you working for Symphony (since you briefly mention, that is what inspired you to take this course).
Don't use tautologies like
I have come to recognize that behind any success, hard work, patience and team spirit play a very important role.
It is entirely obvious, and completely unnecessary to mention it. It also suggests that before working in this field, you never appreciated hard work.
At some places one gets a feeling that you start off with a promising statement and end it abruptly without elaboration.
But, the seeds of giving back to the society had taken root in childhood itself.
How? What were the factors that influenced you?
After much research, I decided to apply to your Institute.
What did you find out about the institute and the course? Not general statements like "world class facilities", "expert professors", "international exposure". You have to mention the specifics, why this university, why this course?
Located in the United Kingdom, it will be the perfect place to understand the highly dynamic global political scene.
Why is UK the perfect place? Why not US, China or Australia?
This will help me in expanding my horizons and will enable me to make informed decisions.
What are these horizons and what decisions would you be making?
The faculty and visiting experts through their lectures, seminars and talks will certainly satiate and invigorate my hunger for knowledge.
"satiate and invigorate" is a contradiction!
Try:
I look forward to attending seminars by visiting experts, which is certain to further invigorate my hunger for knowledge.
Further, they will encourage me to find new and innovative solutions to existing and future global crises.
Don't preempt what they will do, you can only be certain of your own response to them. You may rephrase it,
Their insight and experience will inspire me to find new and innovative solutions to existing and future global crises.
After gaining global experience, I intend to returnback to India to work constructively for alleviating the problems it faces.
What problems does it face and how will the course help you in solving those?
Forbidden statements:
Such a diverse group is rarely found in academic campuses.
I was better at understanding subjects like Project Management and Management Information Systems than most of my peers.
As a matter policy, try not using "comparitive" and "superlative" degrees. The first statement is blatantly false as well as unnecessary, and the second one is borderline arrogant.
The latter can be rephrased
I excelled in subjects like Project Management and Management Information Systems.
Conveys the same meaning without coming on too strong.
Overall, you have really good command over the language and plenty of subject matter that you can build on. Try not to leave any unanswered questions in the mind of the reader when you include a statement. Also, very sentence you write must have a definite purpose.. either in stating your motivation for taking up the course or in establishing your suitability for the course. I always tell people not to turn their SOPs into a running commentary on their résumé.
This is just honest feedback, please don't take it as criticism. I am sure you will make a fantastic SOP and get an admit to the University, All the best!
Hi Amruta,
Firstly, your english is excellent and your essay has a really convinving tone. Try structuring your SOP into well defined paragraphs.
Lets review it --
Ummm.. I am not too sure about this statement:
Had nature not intervened, I would have been a ballerina in a dance troupe, a geologist studying obscure landforms in a faraway land, a botanist or an actor.
I don't question its sincerity, but its appropriateness in this context; Makes it look like you were never sure what you wanted to be, and you are what you are simply because you had not been left with a choice! Very weak statement to start your essay with.. you may want to consider changing it.
The paragraph about how engineering has helped you is good stuff! You may want to build a little more on the part about you working for Symphony (since you briefly mention, that is what inspired you to take this course).
Don't use tautologies like
I have come to recognize that behind any success, hard work, patience and team spirit play a very important role.
It is entirely obvious, and completely unnecessary to mention it. It also suggests that before working in this field, you never appreciated hard work.
At some places one gets a feeling that you start off with a promising statement and end it abruptly without elaboration.
But, the seeds of giving back to the society had taken root in childhood itself.
How? What were the factors that influenced you?
After much research, I decided to apply to your Institute.
What did you find out about the institute and the course? Not general statements like "world class facilities", "expert professors", "international exposure". You have to mention the specifics, why this university, why this course?
Located in the United Kingdom, it will be the perfect place to understand the highly dynamic global political scene.
Why is UK the perfect place? Why not US, China or Australia?
This will help me in expanding my horizons and will enable me to make informed decisions.
What are these horizons and what decisions would you be making?
The faculty and visiting experts through their lectures, seminars and talks will certainly satiate and invigorate my hunger for knowledge.
"satiate and invigorate" is a contradiction!
Try:
I look forward to attending seminars by visiting experts, which is certain to further invigorate my hunger for knowledge.
Further, they will encourage me to find new and innovative solutions to existing and future global crises.
Don't preempt what they will do, you can only be certain of your own response to them. You may rephrase it,
Their insight and experience will inspire me to find new and innovative solutions to existing and future global crises.
After gaining global experience, I intend to return
What problems does it face and how will the course help you in solving those?
Forbidden statements:
Such a diverse group is rarely found in academic campuses.
I was better at understanding subjects like Project Management and Management Information Systems than most of my peers.
As a matter policy, try not using "comparitive" and "superlative" degrees. The first statement is blatantly false as well as unnecessary, and the second one is borderline arrogant.
The latter can be rephrased
I excelled in subjects like Project Management and Management Information Systems.
Conveys the same meaning without coming on too strong.
Overall, you have really good command over the language and plenty of subject matter that you can build on. Try not to leave any unanswered questions in the mind of the reader when you include a statement. Also, very sentence you write must have a definite purpose.. either in stating your motivation for taking up the course or in establishing your suitability for the course. I always tell people not to turn their SOPs into a running commentary on their résumé.
This is just honest feedback, please don't take it as criticism. I am sure you will make a fantastic SOP and get an admit to the University, All the best!