Posts by Antebellum

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

The biggest problem with writing as a disadvantaged minority is that my parents made huge sacrifices for me - I never really felt deprived, ever. But I don't want to focus on what they did for me since then the essay would be about them instead of me.

In any case, what do you think of the essay (with a bit of lenience for tweaking) for the second prompt after all?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

If it wasn't clear, the experience I'm writing about is learning to consider issues from multiple points of view, and, especially, from the perspective of others. The issue regarding gay marriage was (well, besides being true) mentioned on purpose as a controversial issue to show that by the end, I had managed to "overcome", in a sense, the controversial nature of it.

This would also allow for a much stronger conclusion, as I can focus on how these experiences have changed my present being, as opposed to how its related to the future.

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

I see what you're saying. That's a very interesting take on it, and also very cynical, haha. But I can't argue with you - perhaps I'll rewrite the entire fourth paragraph... Well I don't have a problem with it! I'll get back to you guys in a bit.

Also, I've realized that what I've written doesn't exactly suit the prompt after all. With some tweaking, I can, however, make what I have hear fit the second prompt (Experience you're proud of). The "dream" portion of it simply isn't strong enough.

That said, although I'm not exactly a disadvantaged minority at this point, I will be changing the center piece of the essay to something else.

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

Thanks!

While I suspected my conclusion was a bit weak, I completely overlooked the lack of transition to the fourth paragraph. I also tried to address your concern about the suddenness of the change in my latest draft. I worry that I did not adequately strengthen my conclusion, but so far, I haven't had any really great ideas for closing this... If there's anything in particular that might strike anyone while reading this, I would be greatly interested.

(Also, er, if there's a specific format I'm supposed to use, like editing my original post or something similar so as not to take up gobs of space on the forum, I'd appreciate if someone could tell me).

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / I am not exclusively Caucasian or Black ; My diverse lifestyle and culture [7]

That would be an improvement. You might also want to consider "Developing country". Looking up the related wikipedia article might offer you more insight.

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Confessions of a poor student" [20]

Redemption. I'm a student who's seeking academic redemption after doing poorly in college. My family wanted me to become a physician; they didn't care what kind just as long as I made a lot of money. So I took up chemistry and biology classes hoping that~~eventually things like~~ carbon atoms and anatomy replace with "anatomical terms" or something similar? Its not a huge issue, but a two word thing would match with "carbon atoms" better. Well, its just my opinion... would eventually grow on me. This didn't happen; instead, I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer. During this time computers interested me, so I took up computer repair and in a week's time made my first computer Computer creation and computer repair are very different things . A year later I completed my PC repair and Microsoft Engineer certificates and ~~have been~~had started (tense consistency) working the computer industry ~~ever since~~ . Through the years I took courses here and there More specific? so I could transfer to a university but it was only a year ago that I ~~took it more seriously~~begun taking it seriously . Now something inside me says, "I want higher learning, I want to be academically successful". Please don't view me as a student with a low GPA but as a student with potential who's Who's as in "Who is"? I think you mean "Who has" had a positive change and has maintained a 4.0 GPA in his last 10 units of college coursework. My goal is to earn a Master's degree then eventually set up scholarships for deserving students who has have turned their academic lives around.

I'm not sure what you're writing this for, but its generally accepted that repeating things in your resume is not productive. You might want to delve more deeply into your struggles as a poverty stricken student and the trials you over came to get out of your situation instead of listing the results.

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "Choices for the better" UC Prompt #1 2010 [6]

As a fellow senior, I feel obliged to lend a hand:

I believe an community does not directly relate to where a person lives, but is made up of events that happen around him. Sometimes the events may lead to choices that are for the better or for the worse, you mean? and must be done. There is a quote that summarizes this quite well - "There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them." -Denis Waitley I am concerned you just said the same thing twice - and the second time, it wasn't even you speaking! ...Perhaps not a good thing?

My parents moved from South Korea to America to ~~birth me here for~~give me should be fine a good start in education and ~~for me~~"to xxx me" - Parallelism to have as many opportunities to succeed as i can possibly get. In my early childhood my family and I had lived in a one bedroom, one bathroom trailer in a mobile home park. My mom was a very hard worker pulling sixteen hour shifts and my dad was ~~working equally as hard in his studies~~studying equally as hard. We lived in a state of poverty, but that did not stop us from being a happy family.

However in the year 1996, when I was about 4 years old, ~~was year my life would change forever~~my life changed for everAvoids passive voice .

...

That's all for now - its getting late where I live. Good luck with your essay!

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / Mosaic: UC Application Essay #1 [10]

I only just found this website an hour or so ago as I typed my essay, and I was shocked by the pinpoint accuracy of some of the critiques here. Unfortunately, I haven't had the time to actually be active on this forum (this being my second post), so I'm hoping you guys will give me the benefit of the doubt - and the honor code!

Right now, my biggest worry is that my essay doesn't address the prompt strongly enough. Dreams and Aspirations seem to imply a stronger and more ambitious dream than what I addressed. Part of it, I feel, is that what I strive for (an aspiration, if you will) isn't directly related to success. My conclusion might also be somewhat weak.

Any advice you can give regarding these two concerns would be much appreciated. Well then, if you would, please fire away!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Title: Mosaic
Total Words: 538

The world is a blaze of color and I consider myself lucky to have seen it. Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I spent my earliest childhood under a crimson Canadian maple leaf. By the time I was six years old, the grey skies of New England had replaced the leaf, only to be in turn usurped by California's golden skies at age eleven. Between finding new jobs and dealing with layoffs, it became routine for my family to pack our bags, say good bye to our friends, and leave the world behind us.

Of course, I hated it. In the summer of 2003, I had just graduated elementary school. My friends and I celebrated with a pool party in my backyard. A week later, my dad found a job at Amgen and my family moved to California; I never saw any of my old friends again. Every time we moved, I lost my place at school and I was forced to reestablish who I was, and conform to a new peer group. It was terrible.

Today, however, I am grateful for what I was put through. Through these experiences, I slowly learned to open my mind - I couldn't help it. Each place I lived, each person I met, were so inexplicably different: one, a girl who now plays chess internationally for the United States, and another, a boy who was diagnosed two years ago with terminal cancer. They were each irreplaceable. I learned to appreciate the unique points of view which existed all around me. In fact, I was awed.

I gave voice to my awe, my interest, through constant classroom debate. I became known in my grade as an amateur lawyer and it surprised no one when I joined the debate club in my freshman year. However, here, I did not have the luxury to pick and choose my battles. When I received my first topic, I could barely breathe. Banning gay marriage? It was an issue which I felt strongly against; the very notion revolted me. While I researched, I unconsciously sabotaged myself, discarding arguments out of personal vendetta. At the next club meeting, when we presented our openings, I argued with the passion and resolution of a limp balloon. The president was not amused. Even as the rest of the group progressed in fleshing out the rest of their debates, he had me polish my opening for the next three weeks. It was during these three weeks, where I was forced to constantly challenge my morals and preconceptions that I experienced a gradual change. I no longer felt despair and nausea at the prospect of arguing my topic. Instead, I had begun to feel an electric excitement. Suddenly, the artifacts of my world were no longer fixed - instead, they moved and swam in front of me. Nothing was entirely certain and anything was possible.

Three years ago, I took my first step into a world of color. Today, I still walk that path. My experiences have bequeathed me the unique gift of being able to see issues from multiple vantage points. As I move forward, I hope to be able to understand the humanity behind the issues, to be able to see and speak with them eye-to-eye, on level ground. One day, I hope to be able to honestly and earnestly embrace the colors around me.

Antebellum

Jul 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "ketchup's popularity" - uc prompt-tell us about your community [5]

Ketchup is the most wonderful condiment in the world. Nothing can go wrong when you add ketchup to it, not even that brick of a meatloaf a family friend brings to a dinner. The implication that a meatloaf can somehow go wrong bothers me. Maybe the taste... Hm, what do you think of this rephrasing "not even the brick of a meat loaf that one family friend..."

There are many reasons why it's so great. One: it has a wonderful color: red that can brighten anything, even the dreaded broccoli. Two: Ketchup has a taste that works well with any food. In the same sense, the world from which I come from has the same aspects that make ketchup great: great color (atmosphere) in the city and a wonderful community at school.

Your use of colons is suspect. I believe colons are only supposed to be used after a complete sentence with a subject and a predicate, as opposed to just a single word. "I visited the following places:...". In fact, if you put the colon after "so great" and then separated the rest with commas, it would be grammatically correct. Remove the "(atmosphere)"; I'd say its either one or the other. If you feel color isn't clear enough, then just replace it with atmosphere. Having both is a bit awkward.

Plano, Texas is one of the most prosperous towns in the nation. Aside from the economy, culture thrives in this city like a rabbit in Australia. I'm not sure that Australia is particularly known for its vigorous rabbits. Perhaps a more relatable metaphor? Every month, the city has public activities planned for the amusement of its residents. I feel for something to be done for someone else's amusement has a negative connotation. It reminds me of a kid burning ants with his magnifying glass. As a National Honors Society member, I volunteer at many of these occasions and end up staying after my shifts to enjoy myself. The most popular gathering is the Plano Balloon Festival, which I both attended and worked Redundant. If you worked - perhaps replaced by "staffed", you definitely attended. . Bearing the atmosphere of a fair, the festival allows visitors to participate in a myriad of activities from eating to jumping in jump houses. As a grand finale, dozens of passenger-bearing Typically implied, but in this case, with your specific mentioning of the fact that the balloons bear passengers but not of any hot air balloon rides makes it sound like no one is in these balloons. I'd rephrase it to eliminate the (otherwise obvious) fact that hot air balloons bear passengers and to directly state that there were rides given. hot air balloons are released followed by spectacular fireworks. At the end of the night, everyone leaves exhausted, happy, and loaded with freebies. Eh, freebies sound kind of negative, or at least neutral. Maybe a word like "goodies"?

In addition to the grandiose Horribly negative. Grandiose is right next to pretentious. cultural atmosphere it bears, Plano also has the best public high schools in the nation. My high school, Plano Senior High School (PSHS), has a great student body committee that allows everyone to feel like he or she is an active part of the school. For instance, PSHS has over 30 clubs and organizations on campus, ranging from anime club to the Academic Decathlon; everyone can find a club that suits his or her interests. Over the past school year, my friends and I formed the first ever Art Club on campus and arranged meeting that attracted dozens of members with our interesting activities and excursions. Furthermore, organizations such as the Student Counsel and Student Congress allow my fellow classmates to take part in how the school is run. Recently, our senior class president was selected solely on the votes of students with no administrative interference.This practice, along with our broad range of activities allows every student to achieve his or her best in academics as well as feeling great about the school and having fun.

You're listing resume facts. Also, at this point, you've completely forgotten the ketchup metaphor so strongly focused on in the beginning...only to give it one last hurrah at the end.

For me, ketchup's popularity rests on its color and ability to work well with other foods. These characteristics model the community from which I come from. A great atmosphere of culture and wonderful surroundings at school are all revealed as I reflect upon my city. I hope that my admission to UCLA will allow me to bring these qualities to the school and its surroundings.