Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Yeah. Unfortunately, I have a 150 word limit and I'm right at 147. I sometimes wish that the applications lifted the word limits, but I guess the people can be reading novels for ever. :)

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


This will give a better transition between the sentences.


Unless you are John Steinbeck (just a joke :), it's generally bad practice to begin your sentences with 'And.'
Actually, I think you should combine that sentence with the previous one:
"However, there is one activity that I believe transcends limitations: the ability to think."
How about that?


This sounds too casual. Try to replace it with something stronger, or, instead, I recommend that you cross out the sentence because it seems more of a digression. Also, try to add more content in this paragraph.



I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Try to fix the awkward wording here. If this is your concluding sentence, make it stronger, as this sentence is supposed the wrap up the whole essay.

Overall, it's ok. However, you should elaborate on the activity. Currently, your essay is devoid of details. Try to describe what you did as a captain of the debate team, or what your debate team did. Try to present a specific experience that will encapsulate your contribution to the debate team. This will make your essay more strongly emphasize your role as part of the debate team. After all, the main idea is to elaborate on one activity :]

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Thanks for the help. I didn't agree with a few of the corrections though.

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

I think "grandpa" works better because it sounds more personal.


I actually think the better, succinct way is:
"my grandpa advised me to get some experience from different jobs before making a choice."

And you don't have to be too picky with the word choice. I think "a choice" is perfectly fine.

"I would like to major in Communications at CU to gain more knowledge about a field I wish to continue working in "


You should always assume that the reader doesn't know the abbreviations. So it is better to write down the whole name.

This final sentence, as you know yourself :), is awkward. Let me try to fix it:
"Even if it has takenthough it took me four years to get here, thanks to my grandpa, I finally know what I want to study, and I have my grandpa to thank for that ."

From there, maybe you can improve your conclusion even more :)

Undergraduate / compare and contrast essay about home school and public school - major topic [7]


Well... I object to the school expense one because, technically, public schools are free... so the expenses should not be significantly different from that of home school. I would actually think that home school is more expensive because you will have to purchase or rent textbooks and materials through local schools.

Another topic I might add is how there is limited materials/classes available at school while at home, you can even learn classes and materials that are not offered at school. At my school, for instance, the only AP's offered are: Chem, Physics, Calculus, English Literature, Biology, and Psychology. Others, we have to learn on our own.

And, by the way, please make your subject more specific and helpful. Right now, your thread is in danger of being deleted by the moderators. Just a heads up :]

Undergraduate / Drama Code Geass for short answer of Common App, feel free to comment [3]

No! Your English is not lame. It just takes practice and experience to get used to the rather complex language. I assure you that none of us were writing novels when we just began learning the language.

Poetry / Writing a Narrative Poem/Short Story [7]

Perhaps you can write about what you most enjoy doing, whether it be fishing or reading books or playing video games. Just write about a specific experience, and present what you learned from it. I, myself, find that writing about what I like to do is easiest.

Undergraduate / My "granddaddy" - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you [3]


Oh! Sorry about that - I was looking for a better conclusions, but somehow, it slipped out of my mind and I forgot to add that to my reply... Thanks for catching that!


Hmmm... let me try to fix that:
"I was most inspired by his determination to receive education despite the hardships he suffered during the war"
How about that? :]... or maybe:
"I was most inspired by his determined yearning for education despite the hardships he suffered during the war"


Why not? I think it works fine. Through the story, Derby (where's his real name?) tells the reader the suffering his grandfather endured and his perseverance in receiving education. He shows that from the story, he was inspired to pursue education as the "first step in a long career in academic success." In my opinion, the story fits well. :)

Writing Feedback / "Learning is power" - toefl-why people go to colleges or universities? [9]

First off, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that college and university are somewhat interchangeable. But college is just a bit broader, so I think that instead of writing "colleges or universities," you can just put "colleges."


This will make things more succinct.


Shorter and sounds better. :]


Here, I think you should "it" to "that" because it seems a little ambiguous to me. By using that, it'll be clearer that you are referring to that action of studying alone.


This might add the effect you want. Now it sounds like: even if you are given a lot of time, there are some things you cannot do alone. :]


What kinds of help? Try to be more specific.


I don't know... to me, the transition to this section seems a little abrupt. Adding a smoother transition to the first sentence should help. Although I understand why that sentence is there, I think it will be better if you leave it out.

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

Everyone, thank you for your advice and comments! I really appreciate your help.


Although it is somewhat of an exaggeration, I added it for effect, to show how much it had shocked me. If it's too harsh, I can soften in a little... maybe: "Soon I became afflicted with loneliness and became distrustful of humanity." ... although I'm not sure how I can create the same effect. My idea was to start out a little extreme (as I was only a small kid then) and later show my progress and improvement.


Well... I decided against that, because the main point of the essay was for the roommate to get to know me better. So I thought keeping it personal would be more effective. But thanks for the tip anyways :)


Thanks for the tips. About, paranoia - I chose not only for the effect, but also because I do mean it. I actually left out some details because it would take to much room, but if you care, what actually happened is that the teacher encouraged me to fight back, which was appalling to me. After that, until around 9-10th grade, I became introverted and very independent to the point that some of the teachers found it unnerving... -.-

But again, thanks for the comments!


Ummm... well, this essay is intended for the roommate to know me better, so it's more of a heads-up to my roommate of what kind of person I am. :] But it is an interesting thought...


Hmmm... do you think it would be better if I moved the sentence:
"The calamity destroyed my trust and cursed me with paranoia."
to the end of the first paragraph and change it to:
"Their perfidy destroyed my trust and cursed me with paranoia."


I think it can work... but I'll change it to be safe :). Thanks for the help!

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

I agree. In my opinion, these two questions are quite different. If you are fortunate, passion can lead to an ideal career. However, many times, what you are passionate about cannot be practically translated into a vocational agenda. For example, you may be passionate about eating or playing computer games, yet it would be very difficult to find respectable jobs directly related to your passion. The closest you can get to eating is becoming a chef, but you might not like cooking or baking. Of course, you can learn, but it just might not be the thing you desire to do.

Another particular example would be writing letters. Many people are passionate about hand-writing personalized messages to their relatives or loved-ones, but I assure you that it is difficult to find a letter-writing career that will support you (and perhaps your family).

So in short, "career vision," in my opinion, addresses what you would like to do for a job, and "passion" implies what you plainly love to do.

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Thanks for the feedback! Here is my edited short essay:

I used to believe that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered otherwise.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their lives. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective on life and my definition of success.

I actually have read and commented on other people's essays. Its actually fun and helpful to read other's mistakes; I can advise others on how to fix their essays while I, myself, can learn of my mistakes through them.

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Alright. A lot of my friends are talking about writing 5-page essays, which I though was excessive. But now I agree that it really depends on the writer and the topic. Thanks for the advice!

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Oh~ By "Ever ... 'no' ", I meant "Ever since I was wee little" :] I'll change that to make it clearer.

Thanks for the technical editing!

Oh! I forgot to change that... I'll do that now. When I cut and paste from Microsoft Word, the italics became unitalicized.

Thanks for the help and compliments!

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

I edited it a little bit - is it clearer now?

I used to believed that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered that life is more than academics.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their life. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective of life and my definition of success.

Research Papers / My Scientific Method: steps and procedures (research) [8]

Maybe a small fixes here and there could tidy up your essay. The idea of analyzing yourself was quite novel! :]

If you don't mind, I think you can delete some words to make your essay cleaner and more sophisticated:

Edit:
The scientific method was developed over a period of thousands of years and through the combined contributions of the world's greatest minds. Today, scientists use the scientific method to address every challenge the world faces. As a man of science, the scientific method strikes a close personal resonance with me. It is the foundation by which I as an intellectual and we as a people enhance our knowledge and progress ourselves. Thus this method is most congruous to answer one of the most challenging questions I face: who am I?

First step, the question. Who am I? It seems simple enough, yet I have lived with me for 17 years and could still not wholly explain who I am. I am complex to say the least, but I can unearth the answer by following the method.

Step two, background research; I need to search for what makes me "me". To start, my family is Roman Catholic and I believe in God, so I am definitely religious. Concerning my family, my grandfather was a very smartan intelligent man who was always dabbling in science; he's a role model to me. Additionally, a thorough read through my bookshelfchoked bookshelf will inform you of all that physics, astronomy, and biology have to offer, and resting on the bookshelf is my certificate of volunteer work running the local planetarium; I definitely love science.(Try to add a transition here - maybe relate science to music or, if one your Grandpa also likes music, you can say that to further support the idea that he is you're role model) If I take a look at my car I notice that most stations are set to a variety of musical genres: pop, rap, rock, and country. Furthermore, my dilapidated piano clearly aches from 8 years of relentless playing; I clearly love music. In fact, "aches" has reminded me of my love for cross country. I see that my third pair of running shoes has been worn to the tread and also see a seven page long running log in my room; I must love sports. Next to my shoes I see a filing box and inside I encounter a bottomless pit of forms from the regional, state, and international science fairs I competed in. I also spot a news letter from a local lab I'm working with and my plans for an independent research project. Clearly I'm very ambitious. I think I've researched enough.

Step three, construct a hypothesis. Based on my research, I would again say that I am complex; I am religious yet I love science, I am interested inpassionate about (? I think interested is a little weak in this context) music and athletics, and I am ambitious. Now I need to test this theory.

Step four, experimentation. My love of both science and God has, perhaps, been my longest lasting experiment. I've refused to surrender either of these passions and thus I've attempted to find a middle groundcompromise them through studying the bible at religious education, taking a myriad of science courses, and finally cross referencing these results to ensure that I was not hypocritical. This test is still ongoing, but early results indicate that my hypothesis was correct, I am religious and I love science. As for music, my euphoric escape from reality, a friend and I have been in competition for two years on who can play the piano the best, and it has yielded a self-created album, an explosion of talent. In addition, my friends fuel my love for sports. From running 3 miles in the rain and mud to cheering on the USA in the world cup, my zeal for sport has persisted despite my busy schedule(It's better to leave this out because it seems a little random and you haven't really mentioned a busy schedule earlier in the essay) .

It appears, though, that I don't have the equipment to fully test this hypothesis, to find out who I truly am. Ambition is difficult to test; I know I have it, yet opportunities are rare. My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it. Perhaps I will find the equipmenttools? (I don't know... It sounds more casual to me... This is just a minor suggesion :) later in life, hopefully in college, but I can only aspire that as I grow as a person and as an intellectual I will be able to use this ambition and my passion to one day finish my own scientific method, knowresolve who I am, and use that knowledge for somethingbecome extraordinary.

Overall - Nice Job! The scientific method idea - who would have thought of that? :)

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Hi. Thanks for the compliments.
About the tip, I didn't meant that education is not necessary; I mean't that only education and academics will not get you far in life. Should I be clearer?

Thanks

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Really? ... I always thought that <500 was a little bit too short. Well, thanks anyways for the information.

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

Wow. It is kind of hard to do that in only 250 words.

Well, you can cut out some little things. For example, you can get rid of "so I did" for two reasons. First, the reader can follow along and deduce that you did indeed heed his advice. Second, (don't take this offensively though; it happens to me too when I am at loss for words) it sounds unsophisticated.

You can also make these sentence more succinct:

Three years after my graduation, I had worked withexperienced everything from child care to waiting tables to directory enquiries, but I still had no "great plan" for the rest of my lifedefinitive life agenda .

I just knew that I wanted to "get out there and experience"explore something new.

And it feels good to know that I am writing this essayIt is gratifying to write this essay/Writing this essay is gratifying , not because my teachers or friends want me to studyof peer pressure()? , but because I want to.

Now with some space left over, I think you can work on a better transition between 2nd and 3rd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.

I also think that this essay could use a better conclusion. I follow through the essay until I get to the last sentence; I was a little confused about what you are trying to say. Remember that the conclusion should be some sort of "summary" (loss for words here :) and recapitulate the main idea of the essay. Which leads me to my last point; I'm not sure what you're thesis is... well, actually I do, but you more clearly state the main point of the essay.

Overall, it's a good try. It is difficult to fit broad experiences into 250 words.

Writing Feedback / Communicate effectively through the use of images, not language - GRE [3]

Introduction edit

The intro is nice, except I think you can change a few things.

First of all, language is an idea, not a method, so it would be better to write "language is an effective way to communicatefor communicating ideas." To maintain parallelism and reduce redundancy, you can take edit:

"communicating ideas using images has itshave their own advantages"

Some more possible fixes:
"Had it not been for images, communication crossing the borders, for example, would not have been easierbe more difficult ." (for an example)

Since this is a formal essay, you shouldn't use slashes "/". Rather, just replace them with the word "or".

The last sentence is a little awkward and also changes the tense of will.
"Finally, unambiguous representation of an event/or idea willwouldnot be trivial without use ofwith images.