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Posts by da_silent1
Joined: Aug 21, 2010
Last Post: Aug 24, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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da_silent1   
Aug 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Philosophy that everyone can accept: "Vires, Artes, Mores" FSU essay [5]

strengths that one canI have

try to type the rest of your essay in your point of view. There's no need to use such words like "one".

I have very strong moral and intellectual strengths and nothing can change that

Okay it's good that you have those characteristics, but as my teachers love to say "show dont tell" meaning give us at least an example to let us see that in you.

so we would take a trip up to see a football game every year and the experiences were always unbelievable

not too sure that I like that sentence structure. To me it's too long. Play around with the wording a bit.

word Mores canbe related to a kind of tradition

Words like "can" show readers that you are hesitant when it comes to word choice and you don't want to show that to them.

Overall, it's a good essay. It needs some more working on. Like said before show us specific examples that showcase your characteristics. Other than that great job!!! :)
da_silent1   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Balancing Act" [7]

greengrl247: thanks!!! much appreciated and i also thought that using "pride" so many times did take out the effect i wanted in my conclusion.

Yayz: thank you for taking the time to look at my essay :) I will take your reviews into consideration when rewriting it. Afterall, I know it'll take a lot of drafts before I get the final product that I want.
da_silent1   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Bring any person to a special place [7]

I definitely like your first idea with Tony Burch with you at Epcot. My suggestion is that maybe you can talk about some likely stories Tony Burch might tell you and from there relate it to your own experiences and such. Please critic my essay essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/balancing-act-18211/
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]

Read your essay and what I found was that it took you a while to actually answer the question. While the opener got my attention, the whole thing with the boy torturing you seems prolonged. My suggestion is to shorten your description of your relationship with the boy, and maybe your point will become clearer and earlier. Please take a look at my essay.
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Balancing Act" [7]

Thanks for the comments :) truly appreciate it and yes I see what you mean about certain words changing the flow of the paper.
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [6]

It's great that the reader immediately knows your passion and drive for band, but you have to keep in mind that these admission people will have read hundreds of essays before coming to yours. Putting that in mind try to make your essay stand out more by giving us more of a better picture by perhaps describing a specific incident.
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Speeches / Student Government Speech- to serve the American School of the Hague [5]

Try to add more humor to it I love the line "Trust me, If you vote for me, I'll make your words heard... I'm a loud person" Do more of that and you will definitely have the attention of everybody. I was wondering if you could critic my essay.
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Speeches / Student Government Speech- to serve the American School of the Hague [5]

I love how you took concerns of the student body into mind when writing your speech instead of simply listing your strengths and weaknesses (talk about boring), but I think you can make the speech a bit more creative afterall you have to say this in front of teenagers whose attention can wander to better things. What I mean is make sure your speech keeps their attention from the very beginning
da_silent1   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Balancing Act" [7]

Okay this is my first time here so here is the prompt for the personal statement:
"Explain any personal experience, responsibilities and/or challenges that have impacted you or your academic achievements and/or your choice of career. Please be as detailed as possible"

Consider a room. Now in that room there is a queen-sized bed, desk and chair, TV, and the typical bookshelf. Posters, drawings, and the occasional certificate or two line up the walls. Everything in that room is pretty ordinary and typical. That is all except one forgotten detail: the hastily taped up sheets of paper.

Reeking with the sharp scent of Sharpie markers, the sheets of paper towering over me are crinkled like autumn leaves from being constantly written upon. Numbered columns filled with equations take up one of the sheets coming to a grand total of a hundred- eighty three equations to memorize in just three weeks. The remaining four sheets are filled with intricate equations. None of these would make the slightest sense except to an AP Physics student.

Pride and frustration rose to the surface of my chest as I looked at these sheets for the twentieth time that week. Pride because I had finally memorized the one hundred eighty- three equations written on the sheets. Pride because for the first time I finally saw AP Physics the way my teacher and other students saw it without feeling totally lost looking at these equations. Pride because I didn't give into the temptation of dropping that class. Frustration because doubts started creeping in: "Will I actually still remember all of these until next Monday?" "Could I have possibly copied an equation down wrong?" "What if I mixed up some of these diagrams with each other?" Frustration because my mind and body were exhausted from staying up late at night for days studying non-stop.

Exhaustion seemed to be both my mortal enemy and best- friend. Enemy because after a grueling track practice I would come home wanting to fall into a much deserved sleep. Enemy because I would always be battling it while studying during those long, tedious nights. Best- friend because this would be my motivation to finish my carefully planned studying every night, and fall into a restful sleep. Best- friend because with it only two things were set into my mind: leaving that exam room with no regrets, and finishing track season with new personal records.

Right now I'm staring at these sheets of paper. Pride swells up to my chest looking at these sheets of paper. Pride because every school year like the sheets of paper taped up I have always managed to fill my mind with lessons painstakingly learned. Pride because at times I may have been tempted to drop a class just like AP Physics, but I stuck through it. Pride because just like AP Physics I have always put not just my best foot forward, but jumped with both of my feet. Pride because at the end of every school year I never have any regrets about the decisions I made in regards to school. Pride because these are what define me not just as a student but my outlook at life, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Any suggestions for my ending simply because I don't like my how I ended mine?
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