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Posts by kgb66
Joined: Sep 6, 2010
Last Post: Sep 9, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  

From: canada

Displayed posts: 16
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kgb66   
Sep 9, 2010
Undergraduate / (my decision to join a band in high school),If you were change one thing in your life [6]

Once I re-read this, I see you switched from talking in the present to talking in the past. Just stay consistent, if it is an older memory, then most of it should be in the past, unless you are going to go back in time to explain the situation from that present perspective. If you do that though, you have to let your reader know when you are returning to today. More complicated that it is worth perhaps.

Best wishes for your writing, don't let the writing get to you! It is usually not the best reflection of what your speaking skills are!!!!
kgb66   
Sep 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay (45min) It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation [4]

essay prompt =
"It is always an individual who is the impetus for innovation; the details may be worked out by a team, but true innovation results from the enterprise and unique perception of an individual."

Essay.

It is true that ideas from one person may be molded and shaped by others, but the seminal idea must originate from somewhere and it is this individual's concept that drives innovation.

"If you can imagine it - it will be possible" it's not only a catchy slogan for slick advertisers to use when selling products that tap into the creative drive of humanity, but also a reality that has driven inventors for centuries. From the first person who wished to ford an stream that was too impossibly cold or deep to wade through, to the person able to toil at work late into the night under an incandescent lamp. All the beginnings of such realities, that we call common place today, began with the thoughts of a lone individual.

In the case of the frigid waters, one can imagine the sole human standing on the banks of an ancient river wishing to pass over, for whatever treasures they knew of or imagined, on the other shore. The sight of a log floating by may have been the impetus for the first wooden canoe, or it could have been a bloated animal floating by that set the stage for even lighter water craft made from leather. In either case, naught would have come from such sights had not the person been dreaming by the shore of what could be. This idea may have returned to a village of others who assisted with design, prototypes and test runs, yet the original thought began with that dreamer on the wrong shore.

Today we think little of spending hours awake at night, busy with activities made possible due to light generated by electric lamps. However, were it not for the inquisitive mind of Thomas Edison who invented the light bulb, we may still have our activities largely dictated by natural light or fire. Though it is possible another may have arrived at Edison's discovery, we would still be indebted to the imagination of that one person. Today, there are many forms of the light bulb. The average North American household can easily boast a collection of them, ranging from halogens in pot lights, disseminating brilliance on art works; led's, that illuminate houses during the darkest months; and fluorescent bulbs that assist us with our toiling in the garage over a work bench. Each example represents the addition of layers of detail that the original concept was planned to deliver.

In short, the creative spirit of humanity drives us into the future, the road behind paved with the brilliance of other imaginations. We are not only able to cross rivers, but oceans. Details of how a larger vessel design would work on the seas were built by minds adding to the first river crossing concept. Though Edison's contributions, we are able to plan for tomorrows delights late into the evening. All due to the perception of lone individuals who shared ideas and had them expanded upon.
kgb66   
Sep 9, 2010
Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

Hi Stephan,

are you dismissing the Rugby part then?

I believe that my experience and the awareness it created as a consequence of such experiencewill motivate both an active involvement with and positive example for students at the University of Florida.

do you have any more room for this final "hot air to them" paragraph? (that is not a criticism of your writing, just a my take on what they are looking for ;). If you do, it would be great to add one more point to give it greater depth. If not, no worries.

Kim
kgb66   
Sep 8, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE - essay Laws should not be rigid or fixed; flexibility - 'hurricane Katrina' [4]

"Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible enough to take account of various circumstances, times, and places."

The perception that laws are rigid and fixed is a misunderstanding. While a stand-alone sentence from a law book may give this impression, the reality is the law book contains many other sentences to clarify what types of verdicts one should arrive at. Furthermore, lawyers, judges, juries and parole boards all are involved in the dissemination of law. As such, the various circumstances, times and places are taken into consideration when verdicts are delivered.

As an example I would like to draw attention to the rather unpleasant subject of infanticide and how such cases may progress through the criminal justice system. Once the case has been brought forward, by the community or family members, to the police, the person who killed the baby would be assessed on the state of mental health. With an assessment report now on file that would have been read by the lawyers for the crown and the defense an argument would be presented to a judge. (I shall exclude the discussion of jury and parole involvement on this issue.) Between these three players information would be evaluated based on reports from police and the evaluating psychologist/ psychiatrist. Should the state of the woman's mental health account for her actions the judgment will be less severe than if no mental abnormalities are found. As such, the law is flexible according to the circumstances.

In regard to times and places and legal flexibility, I shall use the example of those individuals who found themselves stranded in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. Many people were forced to do things that they would not do under normal circumstances, such as looting stores. Now, I would like to add that the looting of stores for non essential items is a matter for another essay. This discussion will focus on looting of items such as food stuffs and other life sustaining supplies. In the such a case, the law makes a stand and that stand is interpreted by the filters of the interpretation of lawyers and judges.

In conclusion, the law stands to be interpreted by those who are involved in its dispensation. These individuals do take time, place and circumstances into consideration when making these important decisions. As such, the law is flexible and takes into account the various circumstances, times, and places that transgression of the law were committed.
kgb66   
Sep 8, 2010
Writing Feedback / Originality? Is it a fiction since older ideas are mostly prefabricated into some new theories? GRE [6]

thanks Miriam,

and for the final paragraph review...

Truly, every 'new' idea we have must be credited to those who came before us. It is with a debt of gratitude, to those of the past that who labored before, that we should be able to appreciate something that is new to our eyes. There would be no e-reader, if a book did not first exist, no cell phone without a land line, and oven without an open fire.

also, please let me know if this is too disjointed to read. if so in the future I will re-post the whole essay

:) thanks for reading!!
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

Hi Stephan,
I enjoyed reading your submission. Below are a couple of things that may help.

My parents have always felt very strongly that travel is an integral part of forming well rounded, open minded adults. Since I was a child, my parents have taken my sister and meI to various countries; Hungary, Costa Rica, Mexico, France, and Czech Republic to name a few. This summer my parents took us to South Africa. The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.

The experience that was the most life changing occurred in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa. maybe .. it was in Plettenburg Bay, South Africa that I had my most live changing experience.. would be more enticing to the reader (could just be my personal preference though)

I am now president of our rugby club which offers greater responsibility, but I look forward to...
this statement seems a little odd to me, perhaps it is the but. You seem to shift quite rapidly from the rugby club and the opportunity of responsibility - which fits your theme- to the college experience without carrying your theme into that situation

best wishes for your submissions process!
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

Hi Rayban,
Yeah, I am afraid I got lost on the mean girls reference - just assumed that it was from pop culture.

You could slash a lot there by just starting with your grandma's statement and then move straight into your response to that statement.
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / Originality? Is it a fiction since older ideas are mostly prefabricated into some new theories? GRE [6]

"Originality does not mean thinking something that was never thought before; it means putting old ideas together in new ways.

fake original



Though originality is often considered something that is brand new it is not really possible to be totally original. From nothing, something cannot come. However, like new scientific paradigms old ideas are taken, revisited, added to, or parts discarded, to finally arrive at an original idea. As the old saying goes "it is only on the shoulders of the giants of the past that we are able to stand today".

Charles Darwin is a perfect example of a man who took older ideas and made them into a new theory. For generations farmers selected their best plants for seed for the next year. In so doing stronger strains were created though such manipulations. Animal breeders did the same. The strongest, or heaviest, or best milk producers (depending on the trait being selected) were chosen to mate with their genetic equivalents. Ultimately a herd of animals with the trait more pronounced was produced. What Darwin did was to apply such a concept to nature. His idea was that nature herself was making the decision over what traits would survive into future. The decision making process being made was due to the generations of species with the stronger trait surviving. The end result was Darwin's theory of natural selection.

Fashion designers also take old ideas to make the next seasons originals. Frills from previous centuries, once only seen on outward garments, were applied to underwear to create the tennis pants of the 70's. Women would strut confidently onto tennis courts and flash frills to onlookers rather than the contours of their backsides. It was ideas of the past, slightly manipulated and joined to become a new fashion statement. Today as well, we see older fashions remolded. For example, the pinafore once formerly strictly relegated to the school yard uniform or to the kitchen apron, is now made not with corduroy or cotton as before, but from knits. Women are wearing these pinafores over tights or jeans and not just in the kitchen but to the boardroom as well.

As a final example, chefs the world over create original dishes by taking the ideas and ingredients of two separate cultures and blending them together. In fact, the new term for such cuisine has been created to describe such fusions. It is called, quite aptly, fusion. Food critics rush to make the discovery of the next great mélange to add to the columns of tomorrow's magazine or paper.

Truly, every 'new' idea we have must be credited to those who came before us. It is with a debt of gratitude, to those of the past that who labored before us, that we should be able to appreciate something that is new to our eyes.
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "I may be a Korean by birth"- significant experience and its impact on you-Common App [8]

I remember I tried to hold back my teachers but was not able to when all the students from the school said bye at the last day of school. were you holding back the teachers or the tears? when the students said good bye

My Australian experience had been so positive that I now had a burning desire to see more of the world and interact with other nationalities and cultures. It wasn't long before my family decided to grant that desire and we moved to Canada to continue my education. (maybe just because I am tired but this last sentence seems to shift tense to me, I think because the preceding one as a present sense in it as well as a past)

During the past three years I have learned English and developed wonderful friendships. I have grown as a person in my understanding of other cultures and have learned how to embrace them. I may be a Korean by birth but I now feel I am really a citizen of the world.

(I would like to let you know that as an Aussie myself I was more than delighted to read your essay and discover your experience had been a positive one! Best wishes for your future.)
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "As an adolescent I began to take a destructive path" -Obstacles or bumps in the road [3]

I love your finish here as it tells the admissions office that you are able to face adversity with optimism and determination. You may wish to elaborate on other past examples for this as well, or talk about how this experience relates to your academic career - guess it depends on how much space you have.
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Working at Kmart" - Briefly elaborate on on of your work experiences [4]

I have been working at Kmart for nearly three years and have enjoyed my time there.
It has now been three years that I have enjoyed working at Kmart.

I started out as a cashier, a few months into the job I became an electronics associate.
Though I started as a cashier I soon became an electronics associate, now I hold a position as a stock associate where my main duties are...

Currently they moved me to stock associate where my main duty is to put out freight and maintenance counters. Working since the age of sixteen has not only made me a better person but also a harder worker. I enjoy helping customers; I get a it is a satisfying feeling when Ito help others. I belive believe that working with customers has given me the motivation to help people to better theirthe lives of others, and I would like to have a career were the main objective is to helpingsomeonethose in need. Though I missed out on a lot ofmany opportunities in high school due to working , however, inI intend to return I'm moreto school as a responsible, engaged a better student, and I'm ready to work hard in the next stage of my life.

(the last bit needs to talk about the chance at getting back at some of those lost opportunities you talked about - that is why I added engaged but you need to select a word that best suits your circumstances) :)
kgb66   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit [12]

some suggestions.

I was furthermore interested in psychology after going to a psychologist for ADHD treatment.
furthermore, my interest in psy increased after receiving treatment for ADHD

so that I can ameliorate the lives of others. i know what you mean but it could sound more helpful if you just said that you too could assist in the lives of others, or have a positive impact on others lives etc rather than use ameliorate

With its rigorous curriculum in psychology and a strong academic atmosphere, Stanford provides me with a great environment to pursue my interest Stanford is world renown for its psychology department, and as such is the ultimate university for my interests

Psychology has also intrigued me as an artist. Over the years, I have come to admire the works and ideas of Salvador Dali. At Stanford, I would also like to pursue a major in Fine Arts I wish to pursue a double major at Stanford, psy and art. Stanford's proximity to a major cultural centre offers me the opportunity to to join the ranks of the Magritte, Ernst, and Dali. as Port Lligat was to Dali, so Stanford's surrounds shall be to me.

I agree that there is a great emphasis on the geography of cali. However because you mention geography in the art paragraph you may want to be more specific to the Stanford aspect. (hope this makes sense, I am writing pretty late for me:)
kgb66   
Sep 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

I see that you are most proud of your adventurous spirit, but agree with Patricia as to elaborating on how this spirit has impacted your life. A couple more examples may be beneficial.

Additionally, an explanation on the seven bridges problem would be helpful in fleshing out the idea you are presenting there.

I think you are on a winner with the curiosity factor. Give it some more depth :)
kgb66   
Sep 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / "wisdom of the former times"; GRE issue essay/ Important truths begin as outrageous [4]

Important truths begin as outrageous, or at least uncomfortable, attacks upon the accepted wisdom of the time."

History has shown that changes in society not only come slowly, but are met with some degree of opposition. This is not always the case however, for example, it was in the not so distant past that the statement "a woman's place is in the home" was an accepted wisdom. Yet, today women take up their place in society at many levels; the home, working in the service sector, running major corporations, and also at the higher levels of government.

Opposition to women moving into the workforce was met with disdain, and it is still the case in some professions today where women make up the minority. Those who feel uncomfortable about the situation consider it outrageous that women are "trying to do a man's job". However, it was during World War II that women moved out of the home and took up positions in factories in far greater numbers than they ever had before.

Not coincidentally, it was at this time that another important truth was shattered and women's fashion also made a sudden change. Another accepted wisdom was altered; women only wear dresses and skirts. It was in fact the factory work that gave women "permission" to wear clothing that had been formerly considered strictly male attire. Though some members of society may have felt uncomfortable with the change, economic necessity due to the war effort demanded that all the workers be dressed in appropriate clothing, regardless of their gender. A woman at the top of a ladder, installing rivets on the front of an aircraft, could hardly been consider appropriately attired in a skirt, after all.

However, with the return of hundreds of thousands of service men from abroad, these dramatic changes in society would not remain. Shortly the "wisdom of the former times" would return and women were once again relegated to household duties. Yet, an important threshold had been crossed, and soon a new wisdom would be introduced to the west, via the women's liberation movement. Once more the cycle of outrage and discomfort would begin and important truths about the need for equality would emerge.
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