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(my decision to join a band in high school),If you were change one thing in your life

lovely 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2010   #1
could you cheack for me~~?

If I could change one thing it would be my decision to join a band in high school.
When I was young I wanted to be a teacher so I tried to study hard and learn new things. I was especially interested in learning how to play a musical instrument with others.

When I was a little girl my parents were divorced and I had to live with my grandparents. My family was poor. So I couldn't learn how to play a musical instrument. When I was a middle school student, I asked my friend I taught my friend math she taught me how to play the viola. When I was a high school student, I heard about paying in the brass instrument band where they offer to teach for free. So I joined the band with my friends. Since joining, I have had a hard time. I didn't eat lunch, because I had to clean band room, and I couldn't study in the evening because I had to practice the trombone.

My classmates did not know of the reality of my situation, they envied me. Yet, all I wanted to do was study. The band seniors spoke ill, brought me to an obscure alley and hit of me. It was so hard for me to bear, both physically and mentally. I hated this kind of life. It was not what I expected to do I couldn't to study hard and be resigned to learn to play trombone with a lot of stress.

I wanted to get out of the situation, so after the 4 months of the school, I transferred to another school, where my father was living. It was very difficult to live in new place. Even I didn't have a room so I stayed in the attic. My parents often fought each other about me. I was young it was so hard for me, I began to hang out with bad student. The situation still got worse so, finally I came back to my grandparent's home. However, it did not last and I was once more transferred another school. I was so sad I couldn't go as what I wanted that I had simply planned to study hard, have a nice hobby and spend a happy life at school. My good intentions not always lead to the expected results. I was so angry, depressed and lonely. However, I had a good friend so I was able to overcome that time thanks to her. She knew about everything she supported and helped me. She wanted to be an aircraft mechanic works on the engines. She said "You have a nice smile you can be a cabin crew. It would suit your personality.". At that time I didn't have any hopes. She gave me a glimmer of hope. The cabin crews, they make people feel comfortable, please and entertain. It is great job. From then on I imagined what it would be like to be a flight attendant with a smile on the plane. Due to that one dream, my life became a happier one.

I stated to work as part timer and though the job l leaned that I could expect quite diverse experiences. Regardless of the circumstances, I could learn to how to handle the customer with kindness and roll with the punches. Besides, with the money, I had learned English, Japanese and got exercise. I tried to learn and get experiences that could help to be a stewardess.

I became an adult. I had spent difficult time in my teenager years, I had been hurt, but the time made me stronger.

Now, when I think about that time, I am not upset and sad any longer. I'm confident that I'll overcome any challenges, as before, with a smile. I think my teenager years helped to give self-reliance, independence and the ability to make decisions for myself.

If I could change one thing I would change my decision to join a band in high school. On the other hand I am satisfied with my life. By ordeals I could now live feeling happy in the small things with a positive mind.
kgb66 4 / 12  
Sep 9, 2010   #2
Once I re-read this, I see you switched from talking in the present to talking in the past. Just stay consistent, if it is an older memory, then most of it should be in the past, unless you are going to go back in time to explain the situation from that present perspective. If you do that though, you have to let your reader know when you are returning to today. More complicated that it is worth perhaps.

Best wishes for your writing, don't let the writing get to you! It is usually not the best reflection of what your speaking skills are!!!!
donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 9, 2010   #3
Can i be honest with you?
This essay comes across as a very weak character who can't manage their time. please bullying is very common and natural. That is affecting you mentally and physically then you push yourself out of college application race.

Kids today are doing so many things. Community service, voluntary work, writing journals, camping, studying, researching and list would never end. Please look around and see that your commpeting with the best students from all over the world and if you write this then you won't stand much chance.

Essay are something that is chance for you to portray yourself to the college. See this is me and my qualities. i am an asset to your community and someone who is great fun and can give and take something to the college.

i am influenced by a boy whose father earned 86 dollars a month and he used to study in one room with 6 members. in the ground floor of the house there was printing press. imagine the noise. he did not have money to buy books for science and had to take arts because those books he could borrow from his friend. he then moved on to top the exam.

see, no use cribbing but lets pull our socks and give a solid essay. cheers :). waiting for your next post.
PS: please don't take it personally....i just thought i better be frank if you don't like please consider this a spam. ;)
janeypooh 4 / 15  
Sep 9, 2010   #4
The title needs to be "If you want to change one thing in your life, what would it be? Why?

Do not say wanna- too slang

This essay needs to be organized. It seems like you are jumping around. I would have 3 main ideas to discuss and elaborate on them with each paragraph.
OP lovely 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2010   #5
Thanks. But this was my first essay. And I'm not good at English. So I think I couldn't express what I thought.
I accept your opinion and will write better one. :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 11, 2010   #6
Use a comma:
When I was young I wanted to be a teacher, so I tried to study hard ...

Your first paragraph is incomplete. It tells a few different facts, but it needs a thesis sentence at the end to express the main idea of the whole essay. Add a sentence to that first paragraph! :-)

I asked my friend I taught my friend math and she taught me how to play the viola.

Yet, all I wanted to do was study. The band seniors spoke ill of me; they brought me to an obscure alley and hit of me.---- I'm sorry that happened to you! I suppose it is better the be the victim than to be the ignorant bully.

I began to hang out with bad students .

I like this essay a lot. It is too bad you had such adversity. The teachers should not have allowed you to miss lunch to clean the band room!

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