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Posts by Supervisor
Joined: Sep 22, 2010
Last Post: Dec 17, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 13  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Letter to my roomate babson, Student Abroad Program. [3]

I think the essay answers the question!

Grammar stuff (also check spelling - things like congratulations are spelled wrong):
"As roommates, we will live day by day, support each other in the good and bad moments, and will experience this new cycle together..."

"Through my research about colleges, I realized that Babson's excellent economics program, the technological and amazing facilities that it brings to its students, the green fields that surround the campus, the support and love of its students to Babson and finally, its wide variety of people, having more than 20% of international undergraduates; were facts that could facilitate me to meet my goals and to have an incredible experience as a university student."

Long sentence is long. Don't have the semi-colon there and the "its wide variety of people, having more than 20% of international undergraduates" is not really parallel...

Just a bit of editing will help your essay become easier to read.
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "DARLING, I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH YOU." - special talent, experience [8]

Grrr... Talking about boys like that!
Well, I have to admit, the essay got my attention because of the title. It made my eyes jump a couple essays down.

Though math might not be with you, I think she's doing better with me. :D

So fun to read it! Maybe cause I'm a math nerd? Or maybe cause it was just fun to read it!

Unlike nisha, I do like this:
"How should one react to others' anger, fear, love and hope? The answer cannot be vaguer: "It depends"."
So true about humans and the world at large.

Lastly, shouldn't it be, "Maybe that's why I fell in love with you, Sociology"?

Awesome essay and good luck applying!
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton, short answers, biology, books [6]

"This home-known classic of China illuminates me the value of integrity, courage, wisdom, courtesy and benevolence." Do you mean, it illuminates who you are? As in:

This home-known classic of china illuminates me: integrity, courage, wisdom, courtesy and benevolence.

"...ago and reflect our ancestors life philosophy." I think this should be changed to:
...ago and reflect our ancestors' life philosophy.

Just some to get started.
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [9]

I think there is some flow with each paragraph, though I do not like the transitions which makes it go from one extreme to another (However, In complete contrast, But).

"In complete contrast, you must understand that I come from an Indian background; one that believes in hardly any independence." Really? Well, I know of the strong family bond, but as for the working independently thing, it's the exact opposite here. My parents tell me to not help out others and just be as cut-throat as possible - which is why I help out others as much as I can (aka, "Don't touch the stove, it's hot" --> *Touches it*).

Post the essay question, though. I can comment on it more once I know what you're supposed to write.
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Research Papers / Global Warming; the natural climatic change - research paper editing [2]

Ahhh... So long. Maybe I'll come back to it to read the essay but as for the citations...

If you're using Word 2007/2010, go to "References" on the top, change the "Style" to "MLA Sixth Edition", and then click "Manage sources" below that to start putting in your websites/books/etc.

When you are done with all of that, just hit the "Bibliography" button and select the type you want...
Boom! Instant Works Cited page with the correct format!
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice: what perspective will you bring..."ordinary person working hard for big dreams" [7]

Some comments:
"The ball was old..." What do you mean by this (I'm curious). I think you mean that the ball is scratched up and thus hard to grip it in a way that allows the spin.

"Hence, I am, at the very least, a person who knows how to rise from dirt." Hehe. I think some people like this coming out just like that, as in the start of a paragraph, while people like me will think its too sudden. But, hey, that's just me.

"Also, I strive to bring the real experience and enthusiasm of playing cricket to the current cricket club at Rice, one of the very few in the country!" This definitely needs to go somewhere else. Maybe put it in as the last sentence of the paragraph before, removing the "Also". Then again, this means that you should try to not have two sentences starting with "I" in said paragraph.

"After a few months in the new school, I made some friends who, coincidentally, shared my newfound interest in tennis." Meeeeh. I don't know what to say 0.- I don't think you should have it worded like this.

"Therefore, we readily gave up any aspirations to become part of the Indian national cricket team and returned to our monotonous lives as ordinary Indian students. However, I felt a special euphoria since I was able to conquer the barrier that separated me from achieving the title of a respected cricket player in my town, no matter how short-lived it was. We were a group of players who won the state championship without any direct professional help, without any coaching. To me, it was a personal achievement. " Now, I see that you have used a whole bunch of sentence structures, but this __, ___, ___ appears A LOT throughout this essay.

And, so sad to hear that. I'm Indian too and seeing that the culture is like that (I grew up and was born [parallel structure = grr...] in the US) makes me wonder about those who do go to the academy. What about their parents' thoughts?

There you go. A quick overview, but get more information from others before you stick to my ideas.
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Tell me what you know about math." - Common App Personal Essay [5]

Hmm, hmm, hmm...
Good ending:
"Life always brings great challenges, but I have to meet them with perseverance. That is the only way I will succeed."

Some things I see to edit:
Loads of "buts"! Well, at least in the last paragraph. I'm just not one for using the same word in a paragraph (other than the, I, am, etc).

Have you done anything to further your passion in mathematics? Tutored students, used math to calculate things in real life... If so, maybe you should put that in? If not, it's fine.

500 words only - good amount. I think mine was around 600. Don't get bent up on this. As long as it shows the type of person you are, it doesn't matter how long the essay is... Up to 1000 maybe.

Oh, and make sure the essay is fun to read!
Supervisor   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "My first building block is the computer" + "Hired a babysitter" - ED college [7]

No problem!
I'm glad this site is here to help out others, so why not do my own part?

I wanted to write more but the word limit (300) was horrible - used all of them in each essay (save one word in the first essay).

I thought I had all of those inconsistencies in grammar corrected! Just shows that an essay can never be perfect...

Don't worry about changing the title - let those who want to see it, see it.
Supervisor   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "4.5 out of 10" - MIT: something important that didn't go according to plan [8]

This seems waaaay too "I am the best, hah. FEEL MY ARROGANCE."

"My yearning to be the best was satisfied as I always got the highest marks in every Physics examinations."

I know you might not think that it sounds like it... But, try not to seem overly proud about your talents and skills. Just tell them that you are good at it and then back it up with what you do to show your interest in it.
Supervisor   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "My first building block is the computer" + "Hired a babysitter" - ED college [7]

Eekk!
Whoever changed the title of the Essay to "My first building block is the computer" + "Hired a babysitter" - ED college - why!!!!

I don't think you read through my comment:
I got accepted to my ED college so I am just posting the essays I have written for the other colleges I was planning on applying to.

This is just here to show others how my essays are so they can get some idea about what to write later on!!!
Supervisor   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "My first building block is the computer" + "Hired a babysitter" - ED college [7]

Hey guys,

I recently was accepted to a college (ED) and so now the rest of my applications have to be withdrawn. :D for ED college, :'( for not being able to see what would happen with my EA and regular decision schools.

Well, I thought I would help some of you out by providing my essays for the colleges I applied to.
Also, I put them here so I can see what you guys think of them! Hehe.

Alright, here we go - part I is here(parts II and on will come later when I am done with some homework and school stuff).

College:
University of Maryland - College Park

Note:The essays are separated by the long -------------
If this looks like what I pasted, then the essay starts as the first indented thing below the question.
Scratch that - doesn't appear like it at all! I put an asterisk where the essay starts.

3. "The whole is more than the sum of its parts." - Aristotle
The intellectual, social and cultural differences embraced by the University of Maryland are integral to the fabric of our community. The strength of the University is realized through the contributions of every member of our campus. We understand each individual is a result of his/her personal background and experiences. Describe the parts that add up to the sum of you.

*My first building block is the computer. Constantly moving from state to state for most of my childhood, I had no sense of what a "friend" was as relationships were hard to build in a short time. Thus, the only thing that stayed with me was my computer.

The computer would help support another layer of materials that makes me up: math. I found multiplication tables online and used the built-in calculator on Windows for homework in elementary school. The interest I exhibited back then continues still, and now, I am two years accelerated in my math class.

Computers and math in turn led me to meet friends with the same passions I had, and built upon the foundation of me. They also had other interests which piqued my own and I combined them with my original ones. Moreover, this new mix of interests led me to more friends, and soon, I had a network of them. Friends that I lacked before now were in abundance and I found another family in which its members have so much love for each other.

Every good deed for one another in my new family encouraged me to become more involved in any community service opportunity, another key part needed to construct me. Helping others spread from community work to life in general, and I make it my job to do my best and get rewarded with a smile on someone's face.

Although there are more pieces that compose me, the above four qualities are what hold my structure together and allow additional traits to be added on. My friends and community service work have extended philanthropy in me while math and computers have branched off Computer Science for my major. I'm an additive figure with more potential to be put on.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------
4. According to Henry David Thoreau, "One is not born into the world to do everything, but to do something." What is your something?

*After working with the tech staff at my school, I was finally asked to join them in the summer as a paid intern. This would enable me to learn more about my favorite subject, technology; yet, with both of my parents working, my then nine-year-old brother cannot be left alone. The cheapest babysitter I could find charged the exact amount of money that I made while working, stripping away a huge incentive to labor for 8 hours a day.

Regardless, I still hired the babysitter and in turn traded passion for money. I had fun correcting faulty hard drives, making batch files to fix monitor screens, and even talking to less computer savvy people about their issues. Though I knew I would essentially not be getting paid, the knowledge I received was worth more than all the money in the world.

That one summer helped me to expand my services to other activities, and I eventually became involved doing community service. Like when I worked with the high school, I also did not get paid, but every single job gave me more information for my own edification. While working at a food pantry, I learned what helping people was all about, and it led me to spread my services to life in general, including my school where I tutor students on a daily basis.

I still can't believe I took a summer job just to hand over all of the money to someone else. But, it was because of my community work and love for computers that I started to realize who I was and what I would be. Now I look forward to helping people as a college professor because by educating people more about technology, only then can people be happier and the problems of tomorrow be eliminated.
Supervisor   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "I offered him a seat" - Stanford Intellectual Vitalilty Essay [6]

I just read for material and it seems to cover the prompt well!
I liked, "attributed it to his drug habit" and the last sentence, "My conversation with Mikey showed me that the most interesting, intellectually engaging topics are those with no solid answer, because these ideas force one to consider what they actually believe is plausible, rather than what a famous scientist has previously proven."

Ties up the essay well and the fact that you are talking about a random person off of the street, your so called homeless townie, makes me see that you are always intellectually engaged with everything you do!
Supervisor   
Sep 22, 2010
Research Papers / US Government Censorship: Essay Written a Year Ago - What do you think about it? [2]

Hi all,

I wrote this essay last year and received a good grade on it.
It is a research paper on US Government Censorship and I was just hoping to hear some responses from the community on how good of a paper it is.

I am sorry I do not know the assignment's prompts. :'(
However, I do hope you at least enjoy the reading and maybe learn something you did not know about government censorship.

Essay:

When America was formed, it was on the basis that people would be free from any sort of government tyranny. Free speech was the most basic form of abuse that the Founding Fathers sought to eliminate and thus, the Bill of Rights had it as part of the first amendment. Yet, over the next two centuries, the government has been enforcing censorship on things that it deems could harm society. Although there are many things that individuals should not see, including pornography and racist remarks which can encourage Americans to act in rebellious manners, the government should not censor materials because by doing so, it violates the Constitution, suppresses information from us, and forces people to conform to the views of the government as all written material in books and online are confined to things that are deemed acceptable by the controlling body.

By censoring material, the government clearly violates the US Constitution as it limits civil liberties by denying freedom of speech which is guaranteed to citizens. As American citizens, we have the right to express ourselves as stated in the First Amendment of the sacred document: "Congress shall make no law... prohibiting the free exercise... of speech, or of the press." Therefore, any act that thwarts the media or individuals from getting information out infringes upon their rights. Yet, National Security Letters, those which prevent the recipient of the letter from disclosing that the letter was even received, are still produced by the government and demonstrate that censorship is being implemented by the body that is not suppose to be doing so (ACLU, In ACLU). Even the USA PATRIOT Act, according to Jim Cornehls, makes people become "too frightened to speak up and out, because they fear their names may go on some government list of suspicious persons, [thus] censorship" . Moreover, the Constitution also allows for people to "assemble, and to petition the government." This right is almost always denied to those who represent the minority of public opinion. For example, when a President appears in an area for a gathering, "First Amendment Zones" are set up for political activists to exercise their rights of free speech by protesting against him. However, the authorities that organize the meeting place these zones so far away from the venue that the opposing views cannot be heard as they are "censored on the basis of viewpoint" . Not only can the mass public not hear the arguments, but even the media is also denied to hear such statements as the protesters are "herded to... remote area out of sight of the press corps" (ACLU, Secret Service). Obviously, this act proves that the government is stopping others from expressing themselves. While the government continues to disobey the rules on which it was based on, it also appears to contain no errors.

As the government continues to preclude freedom of speech and the release of information, individuals are also stripped of information that could show it to have flaws. Like the political activists expressing their disapproval of the president, Homére Cardichon was also censored so that he did not leak out any information that might incite any anger at the government. Cardichon, a reporter in Haiti, had his camera confiscated by US marines while he covered "demonstrations by disgruntled residents outside the US embassy". There was apparently growing discontent with the indigenous people against the humanitarian relief effort, but Americans so far have not received much news of this. By reacting this way, the soldiers continued to let no bad information reach the public, if only to "protect- the [US] image" . The government also suppressed information regarding "counterterrorism efforts" when it passed a law to exempt the Pentagon from the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), even though the FOIA was originally put in place to show the public the inner workings of the United States Government . Because of this, no criticism could come from human rights groups like the American Civil Liberties Union as they cannot get any evidence of "torture and mistreatment of foreign detainees" to support their claims against the government that would have been found if the government did not take away their rights to look at the indecent reports (Project Censored, Cen. '07 61). In contrast, Americans have not heard of their government's own actions of terrorism in other countries. Information on attacks from Americans on the lands of Congo for its rich "abundance of minerals and resource... [such as] diamonds [and] copper" was released in 2001, one year after the events occurred. The US even supplied the neighboring countries Ugandan and Rwandan so that the extraction of the resources was easier (Project Censored, Cen. '03 93). No matter how bad the actions are, the public does not hear of them until much later and they cannot degrade the government for the condemned acts because the media was not allowed to show the events as they occurred. Complete censorship for the benefit of the government would result in allowing Americans to only view what was deemed acceptable by the leaders at the top.

With continued restraint, people would become conformists as the government starts to take away individual thought by only allowing its views to shine in Americans. Potter Stewart of the Supreme Court Justice once said, "Censorship... is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime". The US government already acts like this kind of regime, controlling the media through censorship and therefore, the minds of its citizens. Taking over war propaganda is another key example of the government becoming more and more restrictive. After the 9/11 attacks, the Bush Administration launched the War on Terror campaign which was dedicated to "defeating terrorism" . To keep others from speaking against the movement, several measures were taken by the campaign that involved influencing the media to comply with it. First, on October 10, 2001 National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice held a conference with the executives of five networks and urged them not to broadcast any taped statements by Osama bin Laden because they might "arouse... political support in the American viewing audience" against the administration. Next, the media withheld any description of bomb damage or Iraqi losses so that the estimated deaths of thousands of civilians would not strike the hearts of Americans . First-hand accounts from people like Abdul-Ahad who described attacks on cities by American soldiers were also not noted by any major US media outlet and instead, false information that only the terrorists were "accurately targeted... while protecting the lives of innocent civilians" was spread . The efforts made by the campaign not only stopped the public from siding with Iraq, but they also gave way into expanding support for the movement as the number of troops and annual funding increased to 62,000 and 60.2 billion dollars compared to just 5,200 and 20.8 in 2002, respectively . Those sparked by the facts from the censored material turned to avid supporters with no knowledge that they continued the mistreatment of innocent bystanders because all they knew was that terrorists inhabited those lands according to the government. Dictatorships also do not allow certain books to be read - something that the US already practices.

The government limits Americans' rights even more when it bans written material. Books are supposed to be symbolic of free speech as information can be spread quickly through them. However, in an attempt to again not allow the public to see the government as a poor infrastructure, any book that has data which goes against the political majority is taken out of view. Irwin Schiff's, The Federal Mafia, is one such book that exposed "every facet of the government's illegal enforcement of the income tax". In response, the government sued him in United States v. Schiff 2008 and won, enjoining Schiff from selling the book . Years back, the government had stopped another author from distributing information that taught differing values. Margaret Sanger had made a pamphlet called Family Litigations in 1915 which contained birth control information. Women back then were seen as second class citizens and considered to have no rights in the politics and even in their own homes. Though there were some people who only wanted to learn about different contraceptive method for education purposes, the material was still censored. Finally, as said before about wars, the US government jailed those who distributed "anti-draft pamphlets" such as Schenck. If government officials continue to restrict access to books and other pieces of writing because they oppose ideas in those works, its actions obviously violate the First Amendment. Information on the Internet has also been limited as the government finds the same type of material online.

Though the Internet is less than half a century old, it is censored as much, if not more, as books are, and as a result, Americans that read and publish this sort of material online (which is then clouded by the government) lose their liberties. This should not have been the case in the first place, as the United States Supreme Court issued a "reaffirmation of core First Amendment principles... that communications over the Internet deserve[d] the highest level of Constitutional protection". Yet, Senator Jay Rockerfeller has pushed forward Cybersecurity legislation through the House this past February . The bill aims to "defend the nation from enemies" by allowing hired cybersecurity specialists to exploit Internet and intranet communications - better worded as spying on those who use the web and judge whether the content viewed is appropriate or not . Congress had also passed the Communications Decency Act (CDA) which further censored free speech on the Internet by limiting any "indecent material" . As with all filtering, access to information is restricted and the supreme law of the land is not followed. However, sometimes the government should not allow individuals to view offensive material.

Certain restrictions in society are crucial to make sure that the people do not see anything that is obscene and behave in rebellious manners. A main issue that censorship proponents argue is the viewing of pornography. Many people find this material distasteful and not allowing it to be viewed could be beneficial for all. In fact, according to Roger Kimball, a social commentator, "when graphic depictions of sex are forbidden, the audience's imagination makes the story richer," thus stimulating the mind and encouraging creativity . The CDA and Child Online Protection Act also combat child pornography by regulating indecency related to minors, condemning it from being shown or made which many other countries follow . Then, there is the matter about foul language and whether it can be used in media. The Federal Communications Commission has made it illegal to utter any "profane language by means of radio communication" . In addition, the Motion Picture Association of America was created to rate movies and then figure out the certain audience that is suitable to watch the film . While censorship does limit free speech, the advocacy of racial hatred and violence can be spread through it and be unchecked if no limits are placed. Fortunately, the government does act on these and forbids speeches that "incite riots" . To keep a safe environment for humans to interact in, people must be willing to give up some rights - in this case, the full implications of the original First Amendment.

Though there are some good intentions, the government in general has censored too much. People should be able to voice their opinions even if the majority of the public or political officials do not agree. Banning books, monitoring people online, and stopping the media from telling the full story obviously do not take a step forward with protecting Americans' civil rights. In fact, censorship is on the rise as more technology gets invented, and many voices are lost as the freedom of speech that was worked so hard to get becomes a lost cause. The government should therefore step back and stop discriminating data, if not for people then, for the foundation on which it was built upon.

It is cited in MLA format; here are the sources used (in the MLA style):

Works Cited

EDIT: Made the paragraphs of the essay portion separated so you can see where one ends and the next begins.

P.S. Thanks for fixing the title - I was looking for where the edit button was to fix it myself and just found it.
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