Undergraduate / Both Sides of the Gap: A Princeton Supplement Essay (Option 3) [2]

Is my essay:

1. Coherent and Clear?
2. Sincere with a personal voice?
3. Telling a unique story (memorable)?
4. Grammatically correct?
5. Smooth?

Any comments on how to improve this essay will be greatly appreciated.

Option 3 - Using the following quotation from "The Moral Obligations of Living in a Democratic Society" as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope."

Both Sides of the Gap

The problem is simple-find x. Yet Andrea starts by dividing both sides and reversing the order of operations. Andrea is my Calculus Club mentee who emigrated from Central America. I explain to her that she needs to add seven in order to isolate the variable, resulting in x = 7+7. Andrea rolls her eyes upwards, her fingers slightly moving as if pressing the keys of an imaginary piano. She mutters "thirteen."

"Not exactly...Let's try again," I say slowly, making sure she would understand the foreign sounds coming out of my mouth.

My thoughts drift away from the worksheet as I wonder if Andrea will pass her high school assessment. Minority, poverty, uneducated parents, and a language barrier: her figures are aligned for a grim future. Looking back, I can remember myself at a community education program for new immigrants. A white-haired lady was flashing number cards at me, phonetically pronouncing them so I could learn simple arithmetic in English. As a white middle-class female who grew up in a stable environment, my volunteer mentor was never able to fully understand my feelings. But she was aware of my family's problems, and her sympathy made a difference.

Andrea shakes her head, meaning she has given up. I lend her my TI-83 and she timidly nods her head, as if ashamed. These tutoring sessions often left me feeling frustrated and discontent for not being able to teach her all the essential concepts. I should be the one ashamed. Having been fortunate enough to overcome academic obstacles at a younger age, I was apportioned with more attention and better resources in school. In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about how it is the successful that are most likely to be given the special opportunities that lead to further success, "a result of what sociologists like to call accumulative advantage."

Here I was, the Student Member on the Board of Education, chosen by my peers to represent their voice. Yet complacent and isolated within my group of privileged IB scholars, I have been aloof to my disenfranchised peers who were given lesser educational opportunities. Forty-four percent of the students in my county received free or reduced meal prices, yet I was the only student out of the forty-four percent who was a member of the National Honor Society. It was not fair. Andrea was a wake-up call: the achievement gap still exists.

My mind shifts to a board of education meeting where we discussed this inequity: Fifty percent of the drop-outs are African Americans, and seventy-five percent of them will end up in jail. The problem seemed monstrous, and I wish I could have offered a solution. But no one had the panacea, not even the specialists. I felt helpless.

This is a sad story. I am afraid that I cannot say I have overcome this challenge. When I grow up, my generation will be expected to tackle many social problems, but having been on both sides of the achievement gap, I can empathize personally with this matter. Perhaps solving educational issues will be my way of contributing to humanity. I have hope that when I become college educated, I will be more empowered to undertake this subject.

Andrea nudges my arm. "Fourteen?" she mumbles as our eyes meet. We exchange a smile and move on to the next problem.

Undergraduate / Pizza Lab Revelations: A CommonApp Essay on a Person of Influence [4]

Any comments and criticism will be greatly appreciated!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My mother can wield her chopsticks like a fierce samurai; give her a piece of dough and she can make the most delightful dim-sums. Mother is a tofu guru, a rice-steaming specialist, and a teahouse legend, but the basic concept of blending cheese, never a part of her Asian culture, hopelessly eludes her. As a result, interesting things happen when mother attempts American cuisine. Such is the case when I beg her to make my favorite food-pizza.

If mother was a TV character, she would be the mad scientist whose eccentric inventions are notoriously feared by everyone. Likewise, our kitchen would be her laboratory and food her testing subjects. On her first pizza trial, with no cheese or an oven, my family ended up eating a piece of microwaved crust and greasy pepperoni. Needless to say, I gave her an F on the first lab report.

But never the one to give up, mother went back to her laboratory for further experimentation. Once, she decided that the appearance of her pizza was too dull; thus, she had the ingenious idea of adding dried mandarin peels to her latest production. Although I am all for fusion cuisine, her creativity eventually evolved into a caloric masterpiece of hotdogs, bananas, eggplants and meatballs all squished together on a piece of dough with poorly blended cheese. On every trial, I was forced to swallow at least one bite.

Never caring for conformist principles, mother does not mind if her pizza would win the connoisseur's approval, as long as the finished product entertained her own liking. Having eaten my mother's cooking all my life, I have slowly begun to digest some of her lessons as well. Her unconventional style of approaching things in life always inspires me to be innovative. When I am being socially pressured to take the mainstream route, my mother is the courage that pushes me to embark on my own journey of discovery.

To this day, I seek out my mother's challenge to do things differently for the thrills of an unfamiliar adventure. Last year, my school encouraged students to apply for a particular summer camp; but instead of peaceful lakes and bonfires, this camp's brochure showed pictures of veterans dressed in uniforms, grim faced, and yelling at a troop of young men standing at attention. In bolded letters, the description read: "Run like a Military Camp!" The participants in the pictures, all dressed in uniforms and sporting buzz cuts that accentuated their masculinity, boasted toughness. No, not an ordinary camp I thought-probably no marshmallows or bonfires. This was the American Legion Boys State program on civics, also known as "death camp" by friends who have attended previously. Was it really a place for an earth loving tree hugger like me?

Nevertheless, I thought, coming to this camp was just like taking a bite out of my mother's pizza creation, a venture that may not turn out well, but bound to be exciting. Boys State turned out to be exactly what the pictures portrayed: a crucible of discipline, endurance, and teamwork. At 4:45a.m, our veteran counselors pull us out of bed to start the day, literally dragging me out of my comfort zone. Yelling and intimidation were part of the camp routine, meant to toughen us ups. A careless mistake could mean pushups and humiliation in front of your comrades. At the end of the first day, our counselor gives us a chance to go home if we weren't up for the challenge. But having already taken a mouthful of this new adventure, I realize that I must swallow my first bite.

My mother's approach to life has given me a sense of optimism for trying new things. Just like her pizza invention, I realized that life is also my own creation, requiring countless trials and errors to find the perfect recipe. So for the rest of the week, I kept a positive attitude and gave my best to all the activities, from running elections to attending political lectures. Learning to embrace the hectic schedule of physical and mental toil, I was gratified that my peers elected this awkward boy who could not even march properly on the first day as their Governor. Standing on the stage to be sworn in, I savored the taste of my last mouthful.

- I am going for a light and humorous essay. Please tell me whether you think this goal is achieved.
- Does the analogy sound too contrived?
- Is the piece coherent and does it make a good point?
- Does the structure flow well?Thanks for all your help. Please be open and honest.

Undergraduate / "A Step Forward"--An Essay on the Appreciation of Diversity [5]

Any comments, feedback, and constructive criticism (or non-constructive), is appreciated.
I would like to know where I can improve with this essay. Currently, I am not confident in the organization and coherence of this essay.

Does the essay SHOW and not tell?
Does it send a clear message?
Is the underlying theme clear?
Is the topic unique and sets the writer apart from other applicants?
What's something that will stick in your mind after you've read the essay?

Thank you so much!

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (500 word limit).

If your parents told you that you could be anything you wanted to be, take one-step forward. I stayed still while others shifted to the front.

If your family takes regular vacations, take one-step forward. I wasn't qualified either.

If you've been a child laborer...If you've experienced violence at home...If you've lived in an area with prostitution and drugs...take one-step back. I did.

Here I was, at a leadership camp, doing a walking activity that separated the campers by their setbacks and privileges. When the activity ended, my group was scattered across the room. I was at the very back. The Privilege Walk exercise was meant to foster a better understanding of the diversity in our group.

One girl, Alex, could not take any steps. She sat in a wheelchair. But she always smiled and enjoyed herself, which is why her courage and compassion inspired me and others. My roommate, Jacob, was molested as a child, which made him socially awkward growing up, yet his genuine empathy towards others belied his emotional scars. Whenever I told him about my problems, he'd always make me feel better with his "hakuna matata" attitude. It was this emotional intelligence that strengthened him as a leader. I discovered that no matter where we stood on the privilege spectrum, our different circumstances gave us unique characteristics that became our strengths and assets.

For me, my own family's financial situation pushed me to become more creative in order to find the same opportunities that others easily received. While some parents paid for their children's expensive summer camps, I worked hard to get scholarships, and paid my own airfare with savings from my business.

But instead of feeling sympathy over adversity, I prefer to focus on how we grow from overcoming our challenges. Whether the diversity deals with setbacks, culture, perspectives, or talents, I believe it makes a person or team stronger. After the camp, I set a mission for myself to become more appreciative of the diversity around me.

With this goal in mind, I decided to start the Youth United Way initiative, a youth-organized charity. As the director, my first mission was to build a multi-talented team. I began by examining how my classmates' unique experiences could strengthen my organization. One friend of mine never cared much about service, but he was a passionate musician. I encouraged him to join. Thanks to his expertise, we were able to plan a music festival fundraiser. Another friend I recruited was an athlete. He helped us to organize a sports tournament. With our individual talents and knowledge combined, we successfully reached out to a diverse community.

My personal philosophy from these experiences is that a leader must embrace individuals' uniqueness in order to build a stronger team. Though I took many steps back during the Privilege Walk, it was "one-step forward" in learning to treasure the differences and strengths of others. I hope to continue taking steps towards the appreciation of diversity into my college and professional careers.

Undergraduate / "The Oak Tree"-Evaluating a risk I have taken and its impact on me. [4]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

"Like the mighty oak sleeps, in the heart of a seed, are there miracles in you and me?"-Jana Stanfield.

Years ago, my answer to the lyrics of my favorite song would've been "no!" But one bold decision changed my perspective on achievement.

Autumn:

Every year, the oak trees in my backyard drop hundreds of acorns. They splatter on the ground with a fierce conviction. If the acorn lives, it remains alone-nothing but a seed. Yet if it dies, it sprouts and produces much fruit. I often think about this paradox as I stare at the trees outside my window.

Winter:

I've been living like an acorn that's afraid to take risks. Fear has kept me buried in darkness, without sunlight, afraid to sprout. I've never felt empowered to take initiatives. Once at a SGA meeting, I remember there were openings for officer positions. Although I had good ideas, I was too shy to step-up. Instead, I averted failure and rejected an opportunity to grow.

Spring:

Later, I hear there was a state-wide SGA election for state officers. Normally, I would've declined. But I think about the risks a brave acorn must take, and decide to run for State Treasurer.

Standing in front of 1000 delegates to deliver my speech, my sweaty palms grope the stadium as I think about the humiliation I'll face if I fail. I recognize no familiar faces in the audience. But I think of the majestic oak, and regain my composure. The audience laughs and wows at my stories, and against two popular incumbents, I win the election!

Summer:

Just like an acorn transforms into a mighty oak tree, this event became a catalyst of self-discovery. I never knew I loved civics until I went lobbying for youth-related bills as part of my SGA duties, and one of our proposed legislations became law. I never knew I could lead a team until I successfully chaired a state-wide leadership conference that required the collaboration of many individuals.

With my new-found confidence, I was eager to take on new challenges to improve myself. I used to fear public speaking and being criticized. Now, I participate in Mock Trial and actively solicit feedback from others to constantly improve my skills.

A Year Later:

Currently, I teach leadership seminars on topics such as communication and motivation, the same skills that I previously lacked. I used to avoid working with others until I saw the synergy of teamwork that allowed our SGA to raise $34,000 for charities. Before, I shied away from engaging students and adults alike. Today, as the Student Member on the Board of Education, I'm the voice of 22,000 students in my county and reach out to my community to discuss educational issues.

This decision to take on a challenge allowed me to find the oak tree within myself. I hope to empower others to experience this uplifting transformation as well. With courage and confidence to pursue my passions, I know I'll excel in life.

Any comments, feedback, and criticism will be much appreciated. Thank you.