Posts by dumi - page 174

dumi

Oct 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- money for children - they don't have the ability to keep their money safe [5]

Hi Lin Ying

I think your essay reads well. It has good arguments and some are supported with examples. There are few grammer issues and I think you can over come them. Since you practise for toefl, I would suggest you to back all your reasons with examples. I too feel that conclusion needs a bit more expansion to include the summary of the body. However, I like your essay.

My suggestions;

~~While~~However , ~~personally~~ I personally believe that children are too young to manage their money on their own.

They are still onin the stage of learning ~~knowledge~~(or acquiring knowledge) and therefore they can hardly ~~tell~~judge what is right or wrong. ~~Therefore,~~Because of this reason they ~~are~~can be easily be cheated.

At that time, he happened to read this story of magic beans and was attracted by the plot extremely so that he can hardly tell whether the story is reality or fantasy. (why don't you break up this sentence to make the reader understand the idea better; However, I like this example)

Furthermore, children are not matured enough to spend their money wisely.

dumi

Oct 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / Topic: watching tv is bad for kids [4]

Hi,

First, entertaining of technology enables children to take advantage of decrease their concentration. It is certain that they are considered a critical time for brain development. (These two sentences do not pass their idea to the reader properly. I got some sense by reading the example. It's better if you rewrite these sentences) For example, Kids who ~~view~~watch violent acts are more likely to show aggressive behavior ~~but~~and also fear that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them between real world and virtual world.

dumi

Oct 16, 2010

Writing Feedback / Job with more vacation time but less salary? [4]

Hi,
You have good ideas. Your structure is also good. Only there are grammer mistakes for which you must pay attention. I think somebody like Mark or Kevin should help you with your grammer. I'll try to help you with my best ability;

In the first place it is better to have your question so that we can understand the contents better. I doubt whether the "vacation" is the right word. Shouldn't it be "free time" ???

On the one side, a job with more vacation but a low salary will contributes directly to our physical and mental healthy . According to a recent survey,60%percent of people have ~~diseases~~health issues linked to ~~their working pressure~~stress . Majority of them have a job with high salary and less vacation time in the competitive society. ~~So, we can exercise everyday and go to concert to relax our pressure if we chose a job with more vacation time~~ . A relaxed job would enable a person to lead a stress free life while taking care of his or her health better and enjoying life.

dumi

Oct 12, 2010

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Should children cooperative spirit and a competitive mind [3]

I think you write well. I'm just giving you another idea;

Learning to co-operate encourages children to be more thoughtful about others and also to be unselfish. In contrast, competition promotes children to be more self centered. Therefore, in my personal belief, competition should be introduced at a latter stage of childhood, not at very early stage because this may lead to a world of very selfish people who are not bothered about other's feelings. However, when children enter into adolescence they would be forced to compete with others for opportunities, resources, achievements etc. At this stage, they should be encouraged to be ambitious so that they would compete for their accomplishments. Since they have already learnt the worthiness of co-operation, this type of competition would constructively contribute towards the society.

dumi

Oct 9, 2010

Writing Feedback / Exploiting tourism is more lucrative than ever to nations galore; some concerns [4]

One ~~clear~~obvious problem is that ~~more and more~~when the numbers of tourists increase~~travellers coming to visit means~~ , ~~more risky the enveronment is likely to be.~~there would be many environmental issues.~~The rubbish exposed by visitors can adversely impact to living environment and as a result to human being's health.~~ (I think you should rewrite this sentence since its argument is not clear. Are you trying to tell that tourists pollute environment by disposing something?????)

dumi

Oct 4, 2010

Writing Feedback / Marriage Partners: similar or not? [5]

I'm preparing for toefl. Pls give a feedbakc for this essay;

QUESTION; Some people believe that marriage partners should be very similar to themselves. Other believe such similarity is not needed. What is your opinion?

In my native language there is a saying, "No two men are alike". I agree with this saying and believe that I would not find a marriage partner who is similar to me in every respect. Such an expectation would be far from reality. However, I believe that marriage partners need compatibility at least in some of their psychological traits such as attitudes, values and perceptions in order to maintain a sound relationship through out their married life.

To begin with, it is important that partners have compatible attitudes for a happy wedded life. For example, I like being helpful to others because I think it is a worthy cause. If my husband too appreciates this inclination of mine, I would be more encouraged and it helps strengthen our relationship further. On the other hand, if he is against my helpfulness towards outsiders and expect me to concentrate only on family, then we may have lots of clashes and unpleasant arguments.

In addition, marriage partners should have compatibility in their perceptions too. For example, I perceive that any form of discrimination with regard to gender, race, religion or cast is very wrong. I also have many close friends who are from diverse backgrounds. However, if my husband has prejudices over such differences, then I would be in a very difficult situation. This would certainly cause many disputes between us in our life together.

More over, it is important that I and my marriage partner have similar tastes in order to enjoy many happy moments together. I am a lover of classical music and I once have been actively participating in classical music concerts. Suppose my husband has no tolerance towards this form of art and he always criticizes and looks down upon it. I would be very hurt in such a scenario. This may compel me to give up my pleasure of listening to such music in order to keep peace and harmony at home front. This would not make our relationship an enjoyable one. Instead, it would be rather a strenuous relationship.

Although it is not possible to have a marriage partner who is very similar to my character, I believe that we should at least have some similarities in terms of our attitudes, perceptions and tastes. If we are compatible in these psychological attributes, I believe other differences such as differences in our social backgrounds, educational levels, wealth etc. can be fought out with the help of love and understanding. After all, the marriage is a life time relationship between two people which they should enjoy instead of straining the relationship. For such a relationship, the partners need to similarities in their attitudes, perceptions and tastes.