Undergraduate / 'the Irish bagpipes music' - Common application EC:: Saint Patrick's Day Celebrati [2]

Please correct any grammatical mistakes as you read along, (I am an international student :P)

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When I was surfing the Internet, a webpage filled with glittering shamrocks sparked my inspiration for the new fundraiser: to celebrate St.Patrick's Day for the first time and raise medical funds for an orphan with a cleft palate. As the chair of the Orphanage Club, I immediately posted the activity information in our school forum, and organized volunteers to decorate the campus with green banners and posters. In the library, we created shamrock pins with colored paper and highlighters. On March 17th, the Irish bagpipes music resonated in the auditorium; people receiving the pins eagerly poured their hearts into the worthy cause. Dressed up as leprechauns, we club members affectionately pinched those not wearing green. Everyone was captivated by this fairytale-like world. Thanks to the magnetic attraction of the Irish traditional culture, we raised funds beyond our expectations. As a result of this experience, I came to appreciate that original ideas are the building blocks of success.

Undergraduate / WHY DUKE?? Management and Market Program + Civic Engagement [7]

Hi, please help either provide comment or correct grammatical mistakes in my essay. Thank you so much!!

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During a business trip to my hometown in my gap year, I accidentally stepped onto a cabbage field, covering a vast area. As I bent to examine the cabbage, a foul smell prompted me to cover my nose: the entire field of cabbage was left rotting in the sunshine. What an alarming sight! After interviewing local farmers, I realized that they lacked sufficient knowledge about the market-regulating mechanism, and since the prices of cabbage were relatively high in the previous year, they expanded the production this year, unaware that the increase in supply would drive the prices down. In addition, because the prices of petrol and labor had risen recently, the costs of harvesting, packaging and transporting produce skyrocketed. Therefore, unable to afford to access the outside markets and faced with meager prices, these farmers had no choice but to abandon the whole field of cabbage, letting the cabbages rot so that they at least could fertilize the soils. It was as I stumbled across this problem that I realized that its solutions went far beyond the scope of business expertise, for these farmers' suffering was entangled with a variety of thorny issues, such as a lack of education, undeveloped infrastructure, and inadequate government support.

Therefore, during my college search, I specifically focused on those universities with an emphasis on interdisciplinary education and civic engagement. With this mindset, I discovered Duke University, whose Market and Management Program and DukeEngage projects sparked my interest as I browsed through the school website. With its liberal arts approach, the M&M Program will prepare me to become not only a successful entrepreneur, but also a Renaissance man, with diverse knowledge and skills to solve the increasingly complex world problems. By taking courses like MMS 180: Entrepreneurial Opportunities & Finance, SOC 126: The Challenges of Development, and SOC 145: Nations, Regions & the Global Economy, I will further develop my practical business skills while simultaneously explore issues that directly address regional economic hardship. As for extracurricular activities, I was ecstatic to learn that Duke does not isolate itself in a bubble from the outside world. "Civic engagement is a cornerstone of the Duke experience," the President Brodhead's eloquent words perfectly resonate with my conviction that those of us who have the fortune of receiving education should give back to society our talents and passions. Through DukeEngage, I can apply the interdisciplinary knowledge and skills I acquire from the M&M program to real life situations, such as to develop microfinance opportunities with Social Entrepreneur Corps for disadvantaged families in Guatemala, or to design outreach programs with Duke Community Center for the neighborhoods in Durham. I am confident that through four years of education at Duke, I will transform into a disciplined, mature, and skilled entrepreneur and social activist, ready to make a difference in the world.

Undergraduate / Common App-The Encounters with Tax Injustice During My Business Registration [6]

Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
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"Congratulations! You are the first teenager in our city to be permitted to establish a company!" When I heard such a compliment from the Enterprise Registration Officer, it was as if I saw before me a golden path towards becoming an entrepreneur.

However, the local tax examiners, who discriminated against my mushroom trading company because of its small operation scale and little tax revenue, decided to collect taxes by their own simple calculation procedures. After careful estimation, I found out that I would have to pay twice as much my gross profits in taxes. At that moment, I felt thunderstruck and my brain went blank. Over and over again I pleaded to pay taxes according to the tax laws just like other companies do, but was bluntly refused.

Caught in this dilemma, I discussed solutions with others. My uncle advised me to send gifts to these tax examiners to persuade them into collecting taxes in accordance with laws, whereas some internet friends hinted that under-reporting revenue was the best way to deal with unjust taxation. Nonetheless, my modern citizenship urged me to reject these fraudulent acts, earning me my father's approval. As I faced the reality of tax injustice, my only choice was to give up this trading company.

However, at this moment, the underprivileged farmers' expectant looks when I agreed to distribute their mushrooms still floated in my head; the Trust-Mart manager's promise that I could supply mushrooms to his mall still echoed in my ears. Also, my entrepreneurial dream was as resolute as my determination to reach the summit of a mountain. Therefore, I avoided the mode of selling products, and started to carefully search for a new approach.

As I reflected on the relationships I had already formed with the mushroom farmers and the supermarket manager, the inspiration of becoming a business agent flashed through my head. After analyzing the cases of successful business agencies, I eventually decided to establish a business information company and provide a service creating supply and demand relationships between producers and sellers, with commission as my company revenue. This business model could also be feasible in the market.

With a hopeful heart, I reconfirmed the tax provisions with the examiners, yet was informed that the corporate tax would still be collected in their own simple methods, which would undoubtedly lead to a heavy tax burden. Never had I realized that tax injustice would be like a dark cloud hanging over small companies. Fortunately, in this scenario at least, my business could retain a little profit.

I therefore re-filed my application to the ten government departments. When I finally received my business license, I suddenly realized that I had already stepped into the adult world and learned to analyze and solve problems in a more mature manner. I was no longer just a student with great ambitions, but also a beginner in the business world who would need to face challenges at any time and struggle for self-reliance.

More importantly, the repeated encounters with tax injustice inspired my strong pursuit for social justice and fairness. Thus, I changed my career plan of focusing solely on running a business; instead, I would like to actively participate in work that would promote social justice. I believe that the force from the majority of the people would definitely push the wheel of social progress forward.

No matter how rugged the road ahead is, I will always forge ahead without hesitation.

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I know that my essay might sound a little bit too formal due to the nature of the content---business registration. But do you think that, after reading this essay, you can get a sense of what exactly happened and how did it impact me?

BTW, kindly point out any grammar mistake or unidiomatic usages of English (I'm an ESL learner).

Your help is much appreciated!!!!

Writing Feedback / About the invetion of soap in ancient Egypt: edit my paragraph? [5]

Hello, I am an international student.
I just wrote a paragraph about the invetion of soap in ancient Egypt. Please help me edit the following paragraph. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

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The history of the discovery of soap can be traced back to the ancient Egypt. 5000 years ago, one day, the king of Egypt, Khufu, invited guests to attend a luxurious banquet. At that moment, the grand kitchen was abuzz with noises, and all the cooks were busy preparing for the meals. Unfortunately, one of the cooks accidentally knocked down a whole pot of animal oil, which splashed onto the ground. Fearing to be reprimanded by the king, all the cooks quickly mixed the oil with some charcoals so as to clean the ground. While washing their hands after cleaning up the floor, they were startled to discover that those hard-to-clean stains on their hands vanished gradually. Exhilarated, the cooks reported the discovery to the king, who later praised such a convenient way of washing, and ordered the cooks to mix plenty of the animal grease with charcoals so that the guests could wash their hands after the banquet.