Undergraduate / "I am an anticarcinogen" - MIT undergrad [14]

I'm really torn here. I think my initial impressions were that this was way too informal for a place like MIT. But then, you state you purposely wanted your essay to be informal. It's a tough decision. On the one hand, your narrative style may separate you from the pack because it's engaging and humorous. On the other, someone reading this may be turned off by the humor you put forth. I don't know. It's really subjective. I wish I could offer better advice. I'd say stick with what your gut tells you to do and you really can't go wrong.

Essays / "what is the difference between Purpose Statement and Program of study essay?" [5]

daisy_g
I think you've got the idea. From my reading of the instructions, it looks like the first essay will detail how graduate school will help YOU in the future, i.e. your own goals, how it will help you help your country, etc. The second essay seems like it is asking how you WILL ACHIEVE those broader goals (as stated in essay one). So here you might talk about specifically what it is you want to study, why its important to your overarching goals, etc. I don't know if that sounds like a distinction without a difference, but that was just my take. There may be some overlap but I'd try to minimize that as much as possible--if you think about the person reading your essays, would you want to read 2 of the same essays in a row? That is just my take on this, you may feel differently. Nevertheless, good luck with the fellowship!

Essays / "what is the difference between Purpose Statement and Program of study essay?" [5]

To which institution (and program) are you applying? Did they not give you any prompts? The reason I ask is the two seem indistinguishable for me. When I applied to grad school I had to do a SOP & a personal statement. Both were distinct essays with clear instructions for each. Sounds like they haven't given you the a similar level of guidance. I would suggest that you not repeat any information if possible. If they are asking for two separate essays, I suspect they have a particular definition for each. My advice would be to give the DGS (director of grad studies, if you're applying to grad school or the admissions office for clarification) a call to see if you can get a better sense of how to approach these two essays.

Undergraduate / "I am an anticarcinogen" - MIT undergrad [14]

At first I didn't like your essay, especially for MIT. Then I reread it a couple of times and it grew on me. I think the humor is spot on. Your personality shines through. I think there are probably some grammatical errors in the first paragraph in which you might consider revising. Something like, What, you say(minus quotes since you stated you purposely left them out)? You prevent cancer... but I am uncertain of how it should be structured.

I'm a little ambivalent about the second paragraph but its more of an aesthetic critique than anything else, particularly the first two sentences. "I spout cynical observations like a fountain; my brain is a virtual goldmine of the stuff. Imagine political cartoons, but personified." -- this is well done in my opinion. Your first and last sentences (which I consider most important because the first grabs the reader's attention and last leaves the lasting impression) are witty and you come full circle which is always a good narrative technique.

I think you've got a good essay here and I wish you well in your application(s).

Undergraduate / "American Dream; a highly selective liberal arts college" - Smith College Supplement [4]


This is not a complete sentence.

Otherwise, I liked your essay as it had some analytic depth. I also the structure of your essay, I think it'll catch the reader's eye out of the dozens she/he will likely read before yours. Good luck to you.

Undergraduate / ' friends with African American students' - Rutgers Essay--Diversity [6]

Here's my advice:
1) Sell yourself. Sell yourself.
2) Talk about what you will bring to the program.
3) Talk extensively (as much as the word limit will allow) on your previous research and publications you may have had.

I started mine with a personal anecdote and it seemed to work well (I got in). I consulted this and many other websites: career.berkeley.edu/grad/gradstatement.stm

Good luck to you.

Undergraduate / How the decision to take one class changed my life (FSU essay) [3]

When I first read the topic [...] to have these values in my life .
Don't waste valuable space telling us what you are going to tell us; just do it.

... But, somehow throughout this program I learned the world was much bigger than meI liked what you said in this paragraph, but I'd consider revising. You talk about how peer counseling helped you but you don't tell us WHAT/HOW/WHY this experience taught you--that is the key to this paragraph. It seems like a formative experience in your life, you need to elaborate how this changed you; not in generalities but specifics. .

... Helping these people has built my character in such a profound wayHere you are trying to describe how your counseling work affected you but you still neglect to say how/why it was so important. "Profound" is a weak descriptive word without any analytical thought following it. .

Now, I use the skills obtained in peer counseling to encourage ...
Nice ending, I like how you talk about what you are bringing to FSU with your life experience. Perhaps you can focus on this a bit more?

Good luck.

Undergraduate / "become a helpful citizen to the society" - what makes Stanford a good place for you [3]

I liked your narrative style but, in my opinion, I'd consider revising this essay. You are applying to one of the most prestigious universities in the U.S. and you only really devote one paragraph in answering the prompt--3/4 of the way through the essay. I would also reconsider what Stanford has to offer besides a nice climate. Intellectual community, diverse student body, phenomenal faculty, exceptional research and resource opportunities --- this is what Stanford has to offer. I would also advise you to talk about what YOU bring to Stanford. Good luck.

Graduate / "My Art Center years" - Graduate admission/Graphic Design [3]

...
In addition, I religiously follow design blogs ...
I was also lucky enough to be introduced to great designers during my studies in Art Center College of Design. One of them was Doyald Young, who have motivated and inspired me to look at type differently and explore logo design in a whole new way.I was lucky enough to meet Donald Young during my studies at the Art Center College of Design. Young motivated and inspired me to look at type differently and explore logo design in a whole new way [this is too general--what way specifically? How did he make you see type differently? I'd elaborate a bit here if you have the room.] Jan Tschichold, Paul Rand and Stefan Sagmeister have also been influential among many others. I often find myself looking back to their teachings in approaching a design problem and trying to solve it to the best of my abilitiesAgain, here I'd like to see specifically what they taught you, otherwise it looks like you are name dropping for the sake of name dropping. .

During my Art Center years, I have also learned to make graphic design part of my life and not just a profession. It has now became the way I look, I read, and I judge. It has taken over my thoughts and world view. I now believe design should be many more things than just something pretty to look at, but perhaps"Perhaps" here takes away from the declarative statement you just made...it weakens it. give a message. In a world with so many issues from decreasing sources and global warming to helping people in other parts of the worlds , why can't we as designers say something? A design piece can also help people get across their messages, while advertising a product or a lifestyle A design piece can help advance social or economic justice awareness [or something to that effect]. A retail company Gap's RED campaign would be a great example for this. As a graduate student, I'd like to explore new ways of informing people of social issues that surround them, and encourage world citizens to make their small yet effective contributes. I would also like to practice design in a more green way and do my part as a designer.

My experience in publishing, branding and advertising have taught me how to communicate with clients, and how to achieve their goals, while holding on to my principals and design sense Awkward sentence - revise somehow. . It has also tested my beliefs and made me realize the ps hycological value of design and how it effects people while they don't even notice it does without their notice. In? Missing something here I think? Or did you leave the company name out for privacy reasons? ...and company I was offered an internship, which then turned in to a position as Graphic designer. I had a chance to speak to major clients such as CBS, Bravo and LA Opera, and tell them how each decision we make on the computer, effects their client market. To this day, I find it interesting, how thru through the language of colors, shapes and typography, we can modify someone's choice of a product over tens of others. During my graduate studies, I would also like to research more on design elements and their effects on people.

My current place of employment, Nova Development, has taught me how to move a project starting from a sketch period to press checking and shipping. It has also allowed me to be a decision maker, whether it's the choice of paper or a functional packaging that will keep the cost down while communicating a fresh new idea and helping the environment.

In a graduate program in design I look forward to reinforce my passion for design and improving the areas in which I have worked in. In addition to growing as a designer, I am eager to learn more about new technologies and design tracks to expand my skills in to new areas, that I haven't had chance i my professional life. If given the environment to focus on my studies, I am confident that I will produce original work that will help me grow even more as a designer and bring awareness to people who see it in whatever shape or product it may be in.

I liked your essay. I'm currently in a grad program in the humanities so our personal statements required us to address other issues, but one thing I learned was to "sell" myself in the statement; to highlight what I bring to the program. I'd like to see more of that in your statement, if appropriate. Good luck.

Essays / being assaulted: is this a topic of interest (safety of students on college campus) [3]

I'd say why not, with one caveat:
Personal stories such as these can easily get TOO personal very quickly. In my opinion, you want to give a sense of who you are, how your identity was shaped by this event, and not get into the weeds (i.e. thick description) of such an encounter, if that makes sense.

In a broader sense, taking a life experience and interrogating/analyzing how/why this affected you, drove you to take a stance, etc. are great ways to differentiate you from other applicants. It's all in how you construct the narrative/essay. I just gave this advice to someone else, but it may be worth repeating here. I like to tackle this personal issues as a sort of outside observer, as if you are a news reporter or something and describing what happened instead of reliving the event yourself. Does that make sense? Of course, I could be totally off base and you should go with your gut and see what happens.

Good luck to you.

Undergraduate / "My father's presence" - a person who has had a significant influence on your life [4]

I appreciated your essay, I thought it was both thoughtful and reflective given the prompt. As you say, I think the narrative needs a little work. Where you are at your strongest is in your use of abstraction. In particular, the second part of your essay detailing the absence of your father was well done. Where I would make some improvements is the way in which you bring your abstract conceptualization of identity formation into context with your personal narrative. This needs to be much tighter, more focused (especially if there is a word limit). Another way to write an essay like this--and this is just my opinion, you may want to stick with what you have--is to interrogate how the abstract "presence" or "absence" affected you on a personal level. Take a step back from your story and approach it how you might a novel. Think about about how the "character" in your novel is affected by the presence or absence of his father. Then explain why that matters. I've found this approach, at least for me, allows me to analyze how and why these two particular issues matter.

Another thought I had was the logic behind the construction of this argument:


If I understand you correctly, you posit that the process of identity formation is shaped by our interaction with other people. Fair enough. To suggest that your father shaped your life, values, character, etc. is all well and good, but you seem to go further to suggest that your identity and his are inextricably linked. Yet where is the individual in this construction? Do we not have inherent individual agency? In your argument, where does your identity begin and your father's end?

Hopefully this helps you a bit. Good luck with your applications.

Undergraduate / "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory" - Brown supplement [5]

I enjoyed your essay. I think you have a great narrative style that will likely grab the attention of anyone reviewing your package. Nevertheless, if it were me, I'd consider revising (or simply deleting) the references to popular culture for two reasons:

1) It seemed out of place considering the construction of your childhood memory.
2) It seems a bit kitsch for a serious educational institution such as Brown - but that's just my opinion.

Good luck to you.

Undergraduate / The Upward Bound program - Penn State Personal Statement [2]

I attended the U of Penn's Upward Bound program for the past four years which has prepared me for the intellectual rigor and commitment of college life...I combined your opening two sentences into one sharper sentence. Keep it or go with your own, it's up to you.

"The classes we took at Penn were standard college preparatory courses, that were
not so much challenging as rigorous and in turn I became careless
regarding my grades my freshman and sophomore years." This is an awkward sentence. You seem to go from talking about your Upward Bound experience back to a high school experience in one sentence. I'd consider revising. It might be helpful here to bring up some info from the bottom portion of your essay (the things you learned/achieved/experienced from Upward Bound) to explain how Upward Bound prepared you for college life.

It seems you also talk about a watershed moment during your junior year which helped you refocus and re-prioritize your h.s. academic life. What was that moment? Describe it. It also seems that you had some difficulties during this period engaging academically in h.s. Why? I'd suggest you rework this section, think a bit harder (i.e. add details) about how these experiences shaped you, and then go on to explain it in the essay.

Also, I'd start off with a stronger opening sentence. Remember, these admissions officers will read hundreds of essays during the application process, YOU need to ensure YOUR essay stands out. Hope this helps, good luck.