Writing Feedback / "there is more to life than just reality TV shows" -Argumentative Paper on Television [2]

So the outline of your paper is:
Introduction: points to why it is bad to watch TV
Body 1: the damage to our children
Body 2: obesity
Body 3: waste of time
Conclusion: go over points to why TV is bad for us

First you need to take out the communication part because you don't need it. Totally unnecessary. If you want to start of with pointing out whats good about TV; just say it. Like: Television informs us with the news, the weather, but there is the down side of television that doesn't get too much TV time (if you know what I mean). -haha something like that; not jk not like that but in that continent

Also you need to have more analysis in your body and less of "well-known". These terms usually imply you know this and we won't go into it but you have to remember that the reader might not know and so more detail.

Your conclusion should be much stronger. Just reiterate all the points as to why TV is bad. And with the communication thing, you definitely don't need it in this paper

Undergraduate / Why Economics and Psychology for a Vietnamese student? - Brown University Supplement [4]

...I had to specialize in an academic track since early years of high school. -I specialized in an academic track early in high school.

...education in the US .

...but it would also allow me to explore the link between these and other fields, which I have done in my spare time . -try making that sentence stronger (I think it can be done)

I hope that my choicesI believe Brown University will empower me to make a difference in my community, inside and outside of the classroom, and long after departing from Providence. -I changed it around. If you don't like it, well definitely change it to what you will what do not leave it to where it was before because the original sounded a little off.

Also if you still need a reduction in characters, then this sentence:

More importantly, after having had to adhere to an inflexible education, I feel exhilarated to have the freedom and responsibility of forging a path that holds meaning to me. -the beginning with the inflexible education came out of nowhere (reference this part with a "in the past" or something) and the second part of the sentence can definitely be shortened.

Its a good draft that throughly answers the questions. Now you just need to straighten out some parts and simply

Undergraduate / "The American Dream to help others not only in Ghana" common app essay [4]

I loved the paper!!!! So moving. This was an awesome read and you brought me into your world while helping me better understand my own so thank you.

The only thing I see a little off or awkward are the one-liners. You think you can put some together because with so many short paragraphs, it does make it less like an essay. But if you feel it takes away from the paper, and while I read it I felt it was a great approach, then don't do it. Also maybe fired instead of terminated. Terminated sounds paperwork-like.

Thanks again for an awesome read :)

Undergraduate / "biochem as an answer to a better quality of life" - uc personal statement [3]

With my desire to further advance the quality of life,not just in the U.S, but also in developing countries and my aspiration to make these microscopic killers subservient to human technology, I declare my major as Biochemistry. -This sentence should be more strong. You want to make it active like: I declare my major as biochemistry because I aspire to improve the quality of life in our world through discovering better alternatives to treatment of disease and human health." Something like that would be good because your next two paragraphs touch on the experience of these microscopic killers bringing pain to people.

My friend was driving back from work one night when a truck collided into the side of his car. He was transported to the nearest hospital by ambulance. Within a few hours, calls were made and we all went to go see him. The doctor said he had done all he could to save our friend. He was telling the family and us there were no more options left, the nothing-left-to-do response. Hearing those words were worse than him being pronounced dead. (A part of him, so little and miniscule, even the doctor couldn't start a fire with that small of a spark. This makes no sense ). My emotions began to flood my senses. I felt hopeless and useless. I couldn't do anything for him as he lied there watching us watching him dying. I know how she felt when she was also given the same answer. I realized that not only I have felt this way I wasn't the only one who felt this way. -I am only highlighting this because if you won't take my advice with the alterations to the concluding sentence of your first paragraph, then this entire paragraph that has nothing to do with "microscopic killers" and so will totally be useless.

Ultimately, you have something good here and it has been written well. Good Luck :)

Undergraduate / "Solitary Bus Rides"-UC Prompt #2 [5]

The bus rides act as personal tour guides, bringing me to all the different nooks and crannies of this city, making it my own little ever-changing museum. B ut somehow it still manages to stay the same. -it was too long a sentence.

All I could say was wow! I loved it! Kept the focus on the bus rides and the words you choose made the images come to life. I think this is one of the few good papers I have read. Great job!!!

Undergraduate / "A father is like a physician and a captain" enrollement, my world/family/school [3]

It was well-written and a great story. I really liked it. Just to nitpick:

You speak of the guidance and how you were on the path and off the path but I don't necessarily see what is actually happening or what it means in reality when you are walking the path or not? Essentially I am trying to say you lack substance of what it means to be on the path or off the path (e.g. when you were a disappointment to your family; How? When you made it your goal to follow his footsteps in being a physician; how?). This may not be important and when I read your paper, I didn't think too much of it but just giving you a heads-up as to what a critical reader might notice.

"...and guided me back toon the correct path." -If you have "back" written there, then you should put some detail to how you were off your path before you had your first stepfather.

"...made it my goal to follow in his footsteps to become a physician my family could rely depend on." -with rely, you can keep it there if you like it. I thought depend flowed better.

"...was correct and they copied me!" -do you think the exclamation point is necessary? I think it can be seen as bringing life to the paper but it can very well backfire too.

"Even though we were not blood related, he continued to give his all to give us a proper life." -does this include your first stepfather? he second part of the sentence is redundant.

Undergraduate / (Volunteering, fired because of the view of party, Mongolia) UC intended major [6]

When I immigrated to United States in 2007, I was excited about learning in this culture.
I grew up in Mongolia in a time when a totalitarian regime was ending and democracy was beginning to rise; I felt the effects of both worlds.

In elementary school, I was young and bright but it dawned on me that the world wasn't right. I remember in fourth grade a friend whose mother was fired due to (explain). I became worried because my mother was single and the head of the household. If something were to happen to her, it would destroy the stability we had. Because of having a horrible political system, I felt the need to better understand how politics worked so I could try and change this country for the better.

In high school, I studied diligently and made the most of the activities that were available. I became part of the student government which improved my understanding as to how governments work. I helped out a charity that was made for the purpose of helping homeless children and poor people. Due to the corruption in government, many people were homeless and poor. Understanding of how rampant the corruption was becoming, I decided to volunteer with Amnesty International to learn about what I can do to help my country right away. I learned with AI the different laws and rights Mongolians had, and also the political structure of other countries in the world including the United States. As I graduated from high school with an honors diploma, I went on to the University of Humanity in Mongolia majoring in political science.-What I have done here is rearranged your thoughts so it can sound linear and chronological. A story is best told straight. If you don't like it, then its okay. The bottom chunk I didn't do b/c I don't have time but what I was thinking is for you to fit it all together. Hope it helps

"But my brave decision brought me here in United States. My eyes reopened to the better education and better community. When I entered college my first ESL class teacher said America is the dream country no matter who you are, where you from, how tall or small you are when you put your goal and try your best in order to achieve it your dream will come true. Her first typical this few sentences was inspired and strengthened me because I was given up my dream because of my language barrier. After two weeks later in America I started work in American restaurant gave me huge change in my life, it helped me know about this country culture, and the language.

Working in restaurant I was dealing with so many people with different characteristics, it helped me to express myself, and to learn about others." -this is the "bottom chunk" I referenced; this is what you wrote. I cut out things that I felt were unnecessary. You should clean it up because there are some typos. Lastly you want to end strongly. Something like "Because of having to grow up in a country with a corrupt political system, I come to greatly appreciated America and all its liberty and wonder. I will use my experience and knowledge to elevate myself to become the best blah blah blah I want to be." will work.

I felt you have a good paper with great potential. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / "Adapting to any places, California" - personal quality [3]

One of the most important qualities that I feel proud of is themy ability to adapt to any places I go. Ever since I was a little girl young, I have lived in different places because my parents wanted the best thing for me and my little brother . I was born in a little the countryside of South Korea called Cheon-An where both of my parents grew up and lived . A

With being accustomed to the Korean culture and its language being my native tongue, my immigration to Winnipeg, Canada was a change I wasn't prepared for.

Life in Winnipeg was neither smooth nor easy difficult sincebecause I couldn't find students similar to myself with black hair, small dark brown eyes andwho were fluent in Korean. I have to admit thMy first year in Canada was the most frustrating and emotional year involvedinvolvingwith lots of tears and regrets. After a year, our family moved to "The best planet??? on Earth" as the license plate says: British Columbia, Canada, which it became for me "the best place on Earth", as the license plate says . Living in British Columbia for five years taught me so much about the new culture and great deal of English which allowed me to make new friends and overcome my extreme shyness. Things like sleepover which is something ordinary to many girls, was something new to me. Few days before my first sleepover, my mom and I went sleeping bag shopping for a sleeping bag with a great deal of excitement. I came to realize I'm capable of many things and learned to appreciate myself better since I had faith in myself for whatever I wanted to do.

When things were going great, news dropped like a bomb to me few weeks before the beginning of grade 11 year. My parents decided to move to the Golden State: California.Things took a turn for the worse when my parents decided to move to the La Quinta, California at beginning of my junior year of high school . I was definitely not thrilled about this, however, my parents' decision were adamant. A Three days of car ride from Vancouver British Columbia to La Quinta, California with my mom wasn't the most fun activity I've done since I didn't want to come, but little did I know moving to California was something significant to my life and truly showed me I can go anywhere in any parts of the world and live my life as I please.

In La Quinta, California, I busied myself in school activities, school clubs, and SAT so I wouldn't feel lonely. The new life here transformed me into someone more mature and responsible. I got my license here so I learned the responsibility of driving safe without my parents looking over for me, and I studied SAT non-stop to catch up since I took a late start. Do I regret coming to California? Definitely not. I believe moving here is a baby step toward my success ofwith anything I do because there is a lot more choices of where I want to go or whom I want to be. Despite some hardships I've been through by trying to fit in, learning new language, and overcoming cultural differences, I learned to appreciate the places I go through being adaptive rather than being negative. I learned to look at the positive sides and learned to make the best out of any situations I'm in.

I've changed some things so take it or leave it.
For some positive criticism:

you might want to put more focus on how the immigration from Korea to your first home in Canada was different from the second move because you reference how great BC was. Well explain about that because that's good meat for this paper (take away the part about how you disliked the car ride from Canada to California; just a waste of words in my eyes).

Tell me of the struggles of moving (try going in depth) so I can feel why moving for you was emotional and painful and that with a great deal of experience, you adapted and became stronger

as an individual.

Did B.C. have korean-speaking students? If so put it in your paper.

You said you weren't thrilled about moving to California. Explain why? Like you had to make news friends again or a new culture to adapt to but also you should talk more of how familiar you are getting to acclimating yourself to new cultures and areas. It only is reference in the end but in your second move, I bet you were like "i've done this before so it is a lot easier now".

Also You might not want to say "you busied yourself...wouldn't feel lonely". You said you overcame shyness so it sort of conflicts. Maybe something else like preparing for the future or college.

Just want to say I totally understand where you are coming from since my upbringing is very similar. That is why I think I can be of some help to you :)

Undergraduate / "to bring my drawing to life and onto movies" - career aspiration, Ai of Jacksonville [7]

Media and Animation art is a dream of my. I really want a career in animation. I believe my education at Ai will help me bring all thought and ideas to life or on TV. Doing something that is fun for me is very important to me ,I plan to enhancing my skills and containing getting better.

I have always wanted to bring my imagination to life in the digital world of animation
I came to chose media and animation art for a career because I always wanted to have my name at the end of a movies or cartoon .Inspirations to this have been animation by Blizzard, Pixie, etc.Watching Saturday morning cartoon inspired me to want to have a careers in media and animation art. Most of my work is based around the human figure, also focusing on lighting and shadowing based on position and proportioning.

I have changed your words around a little. Here it is:

I am pursuing a career in media and animation art. I have always wanted to bring my imagination to life in the digital world. My dream is to make my ideas into a film or cartoon that can be seen on television, theaters, and other visual media outlets. An education at Ai will help enhance my skills and bring me closer to achieving my dream.

My best asset is how I can bring a illustrated figure to life through using lighting and shadowing in different shades and proportions. Though I feel my abilities are adequate, they are not high enough to achieve my dream. I believe Ai has faculty members who are supportive and a study environment where I will thrive and become the best I can possibly be. The education at Ai will help me meet my aspiration to do great things in animation art.

Good luck man

Undergraduate / "to bring my drawing to life and onto movies" - career aspiration, Ai of Jacksonville [7]

1. Simply start with stating your career path.
2. Then talk about how you came to chose such career (talk of one important incident that shaped or solidified your desire to aspire in the field).

3. Finally go into how Ai can help you reach your career goals in life and why it is better than other options.

That is an outline you can follow

Undergraduate / "my family is whole again" (where you come from)+ "drawing on desks" (talent) my 2 UC [3]

With the first paper, the story has potential. What you need to do is cut some parts out like the detail of your brother being sleepy or the McDonalds because it is trivial. Emphasize how the tragedy changed you and made you a better and more mature man. How hard it was living in the foster homes. How much pain you were in when your mother was hospitalized. Poignancy and achievement is what you want to present really. So focus less on meticulous detail and more on how it changed you

The second paper, definitely shorten this: While travelling from Korea to Japan, returning to Korea, crossing an ocean to Canada, and then flying down to the United States, I have found, and also lost, many friends -it can be written to be short and simple. ex: Traveling the world has made it possible to gain and lose friends. Also the next sentence do the same. In fact if you really want to get it down to 500 words, you need to do a lot of this. The paper has many qualities I like and can relate to but short and simple is my best feedback.

Okay hope that helps. Can you give me feedback for my meditation paper? Thanks

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hello Serena. Nice to meet you and hope your career in EF goes well... Wanted to ask if you could read by transfer statement on meditation? Thanks and welcome to EF. I know i'm giving you the welcome party of your life haha

Undergraduate / "How do you express your inner world" - help with UNC Chapel Hill essay? [4]

Just like howusing glasses helps you see the world around you, seeing through the camera lens helps you see the world inside of you.

I didn't know why liked taking such random pictures; I had never thought about it.

They are tangible memories, moments of frozen time, and visual story- tellers that can be more thought provoking than Socrates. -this sentence seems a bit bunched up so i say give room for it to breathe and flower.

Example: They are tangible memories, they are moments of frozen time; they are visual story-tellers and more thought-provoking than Socrates himself. If you don't like it, its alright. Still the sentence bugs me

You know thatThe oncoming traffic is just beyond those lines.

For the first version (which I like better), try to keep the subject as yourself. I read through it and changed the we and us to about you. Check it:

I looked into the lens, and a new world was on the other side. I knew I was still in the same place, but it felt like a sort of parallel universe. This world had a different feel to it. Finding the perfect angle, I snapped a shot of this parallel universe and lowered the camera. Suddenly, I was back in a familiar place again . Everything was back to normal. I didn't know why liked taking such random pictures; I had never thought about it. It just grew on me. Before, I'd snap photos of pretty sunsets and flowers, but something inside of me wanted to delve deeper, and I discovered that photography was much more than what was in the picture.

They say A picture is worth a thousand words. It's also worth a million emotions and a billion thoughts. Photos have a depth that's greater than we I can imaginecan be imagined . They are tangible memories, moments of frozen time, and visual story- tellers that can be more thought provoking than Socrates. A picture is the strange line between the inner world, and the world around us me. When I take a picture of a street, it's not just pavement. This road has meaning. Imagine how many people have walked on this road, how many lives have this road been a part of? What if a life was takensomeone died on this road? Now, look at those two double solid lines. These two lines guide your my life. Without them, how would you I function? They tell you me, don't cross us and you I listen; You I know that oncoming traffic is just beyond those lines.

You see, photography is how I am able to express what is going on in my mind. I can take pictures of the world around me and somehow, the camera lens captures something greater than what is before you . Just like how using glasses helps you see the world around you, seeing through the camera lens helps you see the world inside of you.

You say photos guide you; expand on that.

Alright. I like the creativity. Can you read my transfer paper and help me out? Thanks

Undergraduate / "the social and cognitive forces", UC Psychology Major Transfer [3]

I think you have a great paper here. Susan clear somethings up. Just to make some points:

... and always aimed to interpret my everyday observations in personal life -I'm sort of lost. Did you mean to tie that in with Jung and Freud? If so, then something like: Through attentively studying contrasting theories of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, I have been able to interpret my everyday observations objectively. If I am off here, then still give it some attention

My goal at the University of California is to take numerous psychology classes along with classes in the field of communications, since I believe that a knowledgeable psychologist must possess a genuine understanding of human behavior and communications -You have "I believe" here and the next sentence begins with the very same thing so maybe getting rid of the I believe would do some good here. If you want to keep it here, then get rid of the next one. Also do you think it is appropriate to mention a new field of study? You do tie it back in and it has very much to do with psychology but what makes psychology different from other fields of study when it comes to communication? Your call

I believe that the University of California is the best institution that will build for building a solid foundation for me and instilling the required knowledge to contribute to my long term career goals in clinical psychology.

Alright. Hope it helps.

Can you read my paper?

Undergraduate / "to extend my knowledge of mathematics" - personal talent, UC Prompt [4]

Its a well written paper. You might want to read over to correct minute errors.

As far as altering things go, in the beginning, you say you want to be "powerful and respected" but that concept is nowhere to be referenced throughout the paper except for what can be derived from being a leader. It might be more focused by putting "leader" instead of it. Just an idea

Through this medley of classes I was able to improve my leadership abilities. I believe I have learned many valuable assets such as time management, attention to detail, and a broad range of general information which will benefit me elsewhere. -Mashing it together and trying to conclude without drifting somewhere else

It is always such a satisfying feeling when somebody asks you to answer a particular question and you know the answer straight off the bat because I usually pay attention to what my friends have to say -I don't understand after because. Best to touch it up

Your paragraph on clear and concise communication, I didn't find it to be really powerful. Curious as to why you didn't reference your communication role in middle or high school when president

Like i said, it is a well-written paper.

Can you help me with mine?

Undergraduate / How an autistic brother has changed my outlook on other people. (UC Essay Prompt 1) [3]

Its good. Very poignant. lets see here...

... my younger brother grew up physically, but stayed young mentally as a child . Being young and naïve, I guessed that my brother just thought slowly ...

As I entered junior high, my parents began to expect that I would care more and more for my brother not just as an older sister, but as an adult as well .

... complain about my sibling, I was now the adult attempting to protectprotecting him from the same bullying ...

... but that they are capable to be anyone they desire to be . Through this, I will begin to understand that no one has the right to label another human orandto have their own expectations for them ...

- so for feedback, it sounds a bit colloquial. I tried to sweeten it up but if you disagree, all for it. You definitely answered the question.

Undergraduate / "Swimming lessons" - Activity essay [5]

Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second we immersed into the water. I repeatedly showed that how I take my breath at the end of the arm stroke just before the hands exited exit the water.

As the a small water wave hits us ...
Being able to pass my passion for swimming over onto others is just why I keep teaching others to swim day after day. What I taught teach is not a formula, is thebut rather a way on how to flow with nature instead of fighting it.

With those errors in check, I think you have a sound essay