Writing Feedback / "there is more to life than just reality TV shows" -Argumentative Paper on Television [2]

So the outline of your paper is:
Introduction: points to why it is bad to watch TV
Body 1: the damage to our children
Body 2: obesity
Body 3: waste of time
Conclusion: go over points to why TV is bad for us

First you need to take out the communication part because you don't need it. Totally unnecessary. If you want to start of with pointing out whats good about TV; just say it. Like: Television informs us with the news, the weather, but there is the down side of television that doesn't get too much TV time (if you know what I mean). -haha something like that; not jk not like that but in that continent

Also you need to have more analysis in your body and less of "well-known". These terms usually imply you know this and we won't go into it but you have to remember that the reader might not know and so more detail.

Your conclusion should be much stronger. Just reiterate all the points as to why TV is bad. And with the communication thing, you definitely don't need it in this paper

Undergraduate / Why Economics and Psychology for a Vietnamese student? - Brown University Supplement [4]

...I had to specialize in an academic track since early years of high school. -I specialized in an academic track early in high school.

...education in the US .

...but it would also allow me to explore the link between these and other fields, which I have done in my spare time . -try making that sentence stronger (I think it can be done)

I hope that my choicesI believe Brown University will empower me to make a difference in my community, inside and outside of the classroom, and long after departing from Providence. -I changed it around. If you don't like it, well definitely change it to what you will what do not leave it to where it was before because the original sounded a little off.

Also if you still need a reduction in characters, then this sentence:

More importantly, after having had to adhere to an inflexible education, I feel exhilarated to have the freedom and responsibility of forging a path that holds meaning to me. -the beginning with the inflexible education came out of nowhere (reference this part with a "in the past" or something) and the second part of the sentence can definitely be shortened.

Its a good draft that throughly answers the questions. Now you just need to straighten out some parts and simply

Undergraduate / "The American Dream to help others not only in Ghana" common app essay [4]

I loved the paper!!!! So moving. This was an awesome read and you brought me into your world while helping me better understand my own so thank you.

The only thing I see a little off or awkward are the one-liners. You think you can put some together because with so many short paragraphs, it does make it less like an essay. But if you feel it takes away from the paper, and while I read it I felt it was a great approach, then don't do it. Also maybe fired instead of terminated. Terminated sounds paperwork-like.

Thanks again for an awesome read :)

Undergraduate / "Solitary Bus Rides"-UC Prompt #2 [5]

The bus rides act as personal tour guides, bringing me to all the different nooks and crannies of this city, making it my own little ever-changing museum. B ut somehow it still manages to stay the same. -it was too long a sentence.

All I could say was wow! I loved it! Kept the focus on the bus rides and the words you choose made the images come to life. I think this is one of the few good papers I have read. Great job!!!

Undergraduate / "A father is like a physician and a captain" enrollement, my world/family/school [3]

It was well-written and a great story. I really liked it. Just to nitpick:

You speak of the guidance and how you were on the path and off the path but I don't necessarily see what is actually happening or what it means in reality when you are walking the path or not? Essentially I am trying to say you lack substance of what it means to be on the path or off the path (e.g. when you were a disappointment to your family; How? When you made it your goal to follow his footsteps in being a physician; how?). This may not be important and when I read your paper, I didn't think too much of it but just giving you a heads-up as to what a critical reader might notice.

"...and guided me back toon the correct path." -If you have "back" written there, then you should put some detail to how you were off your path before you had your first stepfather.

"...made it my goal to follow in his footsteps to become a physician my family could rely depend on." -with rely, you can keep it there if you like it. I thought depend flowed better.

"...was correct and they copied me!" -do you think the exclamation point is necessary? I think it can be seen as bringing life to the paper but it can very well backfire too.

"Even though we were not blood related, he continued to give his all to give us a proper life." -does this include your first stepfather? he second part of the sentence is redundant.

Undergraduate / "Adapting to any places, California" - personal quality [2]

For some positive criticism:

you might want to put more focus on how the immigration from Korea to your first home in Canada was different from the second move because you reference how great BC was. Well explain about that because that's good meat for this paper (take away the part about how you disliked the car ride from Canada to California; just a waste of words in my eyes).

Tell me of the struggles of moving (try going in depth) so I can feel why moving for you was emotional and painful and that with a great deal of experience, you adapted and became stronger

as an individual.

Did B.C. have korean-speaking students? If so put it in your paper.

You said you weren't thrilled about moving to California. Explain why? Like you had to make news friends again or a new culture to adapt to but also you should talk more of how familiar you are getting to acclimating yourself to new cultures and areas. It only is reference in the end but in your second move, I bet you were like "i've done this before so it is a lot easier now".

Also You might not want to say "you busied yourself...wouldn't feel lonely". You said you overcame shyness so it sort of conflicts. Maybe something else like preparing for the future or college.

Just want to say I totally understand where you are coming from since my upbringing is very similar. That is why I think I can be of some help to you :)

Undergraduate / "to bring my drawing to life and onto movies" - career aspiration, Ai of Jacksonville [6]

Media and Animation art is a dream of my. I really want a career in animation. I believe my education at Ai will help me bring all thought and ideas to life or on TV. Doing something that is fun for me is very important to me ,I plan to enhancing my skills and containing getting better.

I have always wanted to bring my imagination to life in the digital world of animation
I came to chose media and animation art for a career because I always wanted to have my name at the end of a movies or cartoon .Inspirations to this have been animation by Blizzard, Pixie, etc.Watching Saturday morning cartoon inspired me to want to have a careers in media and animation art. Most of my work is based around the human figure, also focusing on lighting and shadowing based on position and proportioning.

I have changed your words around a little. Here it is:

I am pursuing a career in media and animation art. I have always wanted to bring my imagination to life in the digital world. My dream is to make my ideas into a film or cartoon that can be seen on television, theaters, and other visual media outlets. An education at Ai will help enhance my skills and bring me closer to achieving my dream.

My best asset is how I can bring a illustrated figure to life through using lighting and shadowing in different shades and proportions. Though I feel my abilities are adequate, they are not high enough to achieve my dream. I believe Ai has faculty members who are supportive and a study environment where I will thrive and become the best I can possibly be. The education at Ai will help me meet my aspiration to do great things in animation art.

Good luck man

Undergraduate / "to bring my drawing to life and onto movies" - career aspiration, Ai of Jacksonville [6]

1. Simply start with stating your career path.
2. Then talk about how you came to chose such career (talk of one important incident that shaped or solidified your desire to aspire in the field).

3. Finally go into how Ai can help you reach your career goals in life and why it is better than other options.

That is an outline you can follow

Undergraduate / "my family is whole again" (where you come from)+ "drawing on desks" (talent) my 2 UC [3]

With the first paper, the story has potential. What you need to do is cut some parts out like the detail of your brother being sleepy or the McDonalds because it is trivial. Emphasize how the tragedy changed you and made you a better and more mature man. How hard it was living in the foster homes. How much pain you were in when your mother was hospitalized. Poignancy and achievement is what you want to present really. So focus less on meticulous detail and more on how it changed you

The second paper, definitely shorten this: While travelling from Korea to Japan, returning to Korea, crossing an ocean to Canada, and then flying down to the United States, I have found, and also lost, many friends -it can be written to be short and simple. ex: Traveling the world has made it possible to gain and lose friends. Also the next sentence do the same. In fact if you really want to get it down to 500 words, you need to do a lot of this. The paper has many qualities I like and can relate to but short and simple is my best feedback.

Okay hope that helps. Can you give me feedback for my meditation paper? Thanks

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hello Serena. Nice to meet you and hope your career in EF goes well... Wanted to ask if you could read by transfer statement on meditation? Thanks and welcome to EF. I know i'm giving you the welcome party of your life haha

Undergraduate / "to extend my knowledge of mathematics" - personal talent, UC Prompt [4]

Its a well written paper. You might want to read over to correct minute errors.

As far as altering things go, in the beginning, you say you want to be "powerful and respected" but that concept is nowhere to be referenced throughout the paper except for what can be derived from being a leader. It might be more focused by putting "leader" instead of it. Just an idea

Through this medley of classes I was able to improve my leadership abilities. I believe I have learned many valuable assets such as time management, attention to detail, and a broad range of general information which will benefit me elsewhere. -Mashing it together and trying to conclude without drifting somewhere else

It is always such a satisfying feeling when somebody asks you to answer a particular question and you know the answer straight off the bat because I usually pay attention to what my friends have to say -I don't understand after because. Best to touch it up

Your paragraph on clear and concise communication, I didn't find it to be really powerful. Curious as to why you didn't reference your communication role in middle or high school when president

Like i said, it is a well-written paper.

Can you help me with mine?

Undergraduate / "Swimming lessons" - Activity essay [5]

Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second we immersed into the water. I repeatedly showed that how I take my breath at the end of the arm stroke just before the hands exited exit the water.

As the a small water wave hits us ...
Being able to pass my passion for swimming over onto others is just why I keep teaching others to swim day after day. What I taught teach is not a formula, is thebut rather a way on how to flow with nature instead of fighting it.

With those errors in check, I think you have a sound essay