Undergraduate / "The Best in the Box"-essay for Wisconsin-Madison [8]

Guys, I hope u can help me out with this essay. Any kinds of comments and critiques would be much appreciated, especially about the idea of the essay. Does this answer the prompt properly? which part needs to be strengthen? Thank you in advance! =))

Here is the prompt anyway :
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

The Best in the Box
June 2010: time of a life changing-vacation. Before, it was veneration that drove me to accord to my father's suggestion of pursuing my study in the U.S. Only after the vacation did I realize how much I yearn for the opportunity to study there.

I stayed at my uncle's place. I was scheduled to attend some colleges' campus tours, including Rice University, UT Austin, and Texas A&M- I guess those are about all they got in Texas. Rice University was the first. I had a pen at one hand and was ready to take notes, but I was hopelessly in awe the whole session and did not manage to even fill up half the paper. I was completely absorbed, while my mind flashed back to my own country and its education system occasionally. The speaker was talking about some researches they have done that received national and even international ...

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Undergraduate / "Sweat, Strain, and Surmount" - a person who has made an impact on you [8]

Guys,
here's another essay I'm working on for the common app, this is still the 1st draft..
so pls give me lots of advice and critiques just about anything..=) I'd appreciate it so much =)
thank youuu=)

Sweat, Strain, and Surmount

I met Rizki at the beginning of my sophomore year. He was one of those notorious trouble-makers at school who looked more like a street gangster rather than a student of the best High School in town. I remember he once got a severe detention for smoking in the restroom during a break, and not to mention a myriad of other detentions for minor offenses.

Sometimes during the sophomore year, I had to collaborate with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better. I learnt from some friends that life had been harsh to him. His father had an affair and left his mother when he was a kid; confronted by the situation, his mother has to take over the role as the family's only breadwinner. I have seen and heard a lot of stories of kids who grew up in such condition, and most of them end up in misery throughout their life. I told myself I could not let this 'trend' happen to him. I teased and scolded him for his bad behavior, hoping that they would evoke a sense of embarrassment and guilt in him. I admonished him for his smoking, condemned it as an unhealthy habit and a waste of money. At the same time, concerned with his constantly bad grades, I occasionally tutored him. Gradually he seemed to get more serious about his study and about his life.

At the end of the school year, to my complete surprise, he was not advanced to the junior level. I was utterly disappointed. He said that he was really sorry and was disappointed with himself for not trying harder. Then he added, "But hey, I'm a smoker no more". I know how hard it must have been for him to refrain from smoking since he had been addicted to it for years. I realized then that he had not bluntly ignored my advice, but why did his grades show the opposite? Only later I found out that his mother had been sick, so he had to work after school and at the same time take care of his mother. When I heard this, my heart sank and I was sad, all I thought was, 'Life is so unfair'!

But why did he blame himself instead? I pondered this over and came to a conclusion that either he did so because he did not want to justify his failure by exposing his noble deed, or perhaps, he thought there was nothing special about taking care of his mother and the family. I was touched when I realized this, but apparently, there were more unexpected things to come.

At the end of the following school year, he walked down the hall with a big uninterrupted smile wreathed on his face; he sway away to my class once he saw me sitting there. He handed me his report book. I had presumed that he made it this time; nonetheless, his scores drove me in awe. He was ranked the top 25% in his class! I almost jumped off my seat. I congratulated him and promised to treat him up after school. During lunch, I could not help but to make him unravel whatever being the top 25% at class had cost him. He rambled on many interesting stories, but all of them unanimously pointed out 'determination' as the main factor.

I have always thought that determination was a quality I was best at, but at the end, Rizki opened my eyes to see that I still have so much to learn. I reminisced about my previous achievements that have made me quite complacent, I realized then that I have always had the 'perfect' environment: I have loving and supporting parents and family, munchies to accompany me studying, and wide screen TV to untie my tangled mind. How far can determination really go under such circumstances? Realizing that I would not be able to stay in my comfort zone my entire life, I began my quest for true life.

University would be the best place to begin this quest. I have and will strive, even twice as hard as others, to get accepted at the University of Miami, the gateway to my successful future. I realized that, even the best student is not guaranteed admission because of the competitive pool of applicants; does that intimidate me? Yes, honestly. But do I ever consider turning back? Big NO. I am looking for a life time experience, I am looking forward to the opportunity to strain myself to my fullest ability and live innumerable experience I would not be able to get elsewhere. I am eager to face new challenges and meet lots of people around the world with whom I can share my thoughts, values, and hear their feedbacks. With all these in mind, my friends could say, "From Indonesia? Big move", "you're so positive", but nothing is going to stop me. Thanks Rizki for opening my mind, I am now perfectly aware of what I am doing, "I'm giving myself a chance".

Undergraduate / "What I love about Tennis"-common application essay on one of activities. [10]

Guys, this is just a short essay so please take a look and leave some critiques. English isn't my 1st language, therefore, critique on anything would be appreciated, from grammatical correction to restructuring the ideas of my essay. And one more thing, pls help me to trim this down into 150. I wrote about 156words, so, does anyone have any idea which part to trim down?

thanks before.
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Essay prompt: Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in 150 words or fewer.

Tennis
I have been playing tennis regularly since elementary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, at first, I did not enjoy this sport as I do now. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to pressure me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels.

As I grew up, I started missing it when I could not play. I thought, "What's got into me?" I realized that I have fallen in love with tennis; the competition, the art of learning the opponent's ability, the perseverance, and the sportsmanship. I eventually became addicted to tennis; I even won some local championships. Granted, I am not the Williams sisters, but one thing I believe we share in common is that none of us intended to stop playing. Yes, tennis would be my lifelong company.

Undergraduate / "studying finance" - Elaborating My Future [4]

Here is my 2nd post, an essay about my academic interest and personal goal. I'd really appreciate any kind of comments.. and it's due real soon,, so pleasseeee,,, try to make a time to read and comment..

thanks thanks thanks

Elaborating My Future

I had not decided to major in business, finance specifically, until some September 2010. I know it was risky to procrastinate on such crucial decision, but I think I would be even worse to make an arbitrary choice. Once I made up my mind on studying finance, it would be the only major I would check on my applications.

After long thoughtful considerations, weighing my own ability, interest, talent, and predilection, and gathering information from experts on each field, I decided that finance is the best field to seek for the fullest extent of my ability and personality. Although I chose science as my field of study in high school, which is not directly related to any business majors, it has nonetheless confirmed my choice in some way. My strong ability in mathematics and other science subjects were the base for my choice, it proved my capability to operate and solve problems that involve mathematical equations; while my inquisitiveness, urge to enhance my critical thinking, and zeal were the ultimate decision making factors. The latter were those that eliminated engineering out of my consideration.

My preference is lucid: I want to think, analyze, and most of all, solve; thus, being a professional financial advisor would be a dream comes true. I am aiming high at working in leading professional services firms, such as Ernst and Young, which embrace a similar goal with that of mine. Such companies help individuals or corporations to overcome their difficulties in deciding the best alternative to invest their money and to make the most profitable decision in business, which are what I envision I would be doing enthusiastically at the future. I believe, getting accepted at the University of Illinois would drive me leaps closer to achieve my goal.

Undergraduate / Tutorial: Good for All (extracurricular activities) [9]

Below is an essay on one of my extracurricular activities
for U of I.
English is my 2nd language, so I really hope you all would want to comment and give lots of advice. thanks thanks thanks =)

Tutorial: Good for All
I have been giving tutorial since Junior High, but it was not until High School that I finally aware of my delight for it. My High School embraces the spirit of being men / women for others and that includes taking responsibility for others' hardships. Hoping to implement the spirit to the newly enrolled students, almost every teacher told us who were preeminent on the subject to help others who encountered difficulties. Some teachers even form groups within a class of about 3 students; I was chosen as the leader (tutor, known as Angelus). To be honest, I was not all excited about it as I was as well struggling to keep up with the new school's pace. My first impression began to change as I went on with it; I even discovered it as a new way of learning.

Giving tutors turned out to be intriguing; it is far more than just a one way communication of ideas. My friends would sometimes ask me about questions I have never solved before, or make me ponder about subjects I initially thought I had understood; we, instead of I, contribute our ideas, thoughts, and inquiries to the discussion and would often come out with better and sometimes rather groundbreaking understanding. This is the main quality I love in giving tutorial; it enhances the whole community.

I am still doing this tutorial practice, but with different and more accommodating group. I offer tutorial for everyone who wants to join or is having difficulty keeping up with certain subjects. They would come to my house, or I would go to school to meet them there, either way is just fine because this is what I love to do. And of course, I intend to continue with this practice later at the University.