Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing part 2] Playing computer games is harmful. Do you agree with it? [3]

There are some sound arguments in the essay, but I would reconsider the arguments made in paragraph 4. Each individual has distinct money values, so presenting that argument is rather weak.

Undergraduate / We build our own "winery"; University of Toronto-Engineering / Extracurricular [5]

Hi,
I think your essay has an impressive introduction. I was blown away by the anecdote because it both explained why you chose this major and why you feel so passionate about it. Correct a few grammar errors (This is a world of my little new nephew, Jia), and your first paragraph is good to go!

In regards to the following paragraphs, I was disappointed that you chose to stray away from your personal experience. Although the third paragraph answers the prompt, I think it could be made stronger with a vision linked to the first paragraph. I would recommend scratching the second paragraph and elaborating upon the first anecdote.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'in one fateful day, my life changed forever' - Penn State UPark statement [5]

opinions and suggestions:

1. i dont think you should relate it to your major because this story shows the development of you as a person
2. delete unnecessary details: eg : almost the entire first paragraph. It's a waste of word space if the entire paragraph is just an introduction to the main event

3. I want to know what your friends and family did for you that made you change as a person
4. careful bringing in god and spirits into the essay. i mean i guess you can say that you dont believe in a religion or any other outside force that protects you, but i would just place more emphasis on what your friends and family did for you that inspired you so much

Undergraduate / "An Alternative Life of Pi" U.Va Supplement Essay 1 [3]

Hey, great job on your essay. However, I think you'll have to find a different approach in writing this essay. The prompt asks how has the piece of literature surprised you or challenged you. You wrote mostly about how you predicted the novel at page 362. Maybe take a different approach, and I'm sure your essay will improve much more.

Hope that helped!

Undergraduate / "Sam, I am very disappointed in you" [video game essay] [2]

Hey, I really enjoyed your essay! You have a distinct voice, and the topic you wrote about really shows your character. Congrats!

Here are some of my edits:
"And...30 percent. Sam, I am very disappointed in you" My math teacher announced my score to the entire class. Every eye in he classroom turned on me. I couldn't believe my ears. I panicked. I checked my answers to see if she'd made a mistake. I checked the name to see if she'd made a bigger mistake. My life was spiraling downwards, and the culprit was evidenced my calloused thumbs: online video games.

The trouble started a year ago, at the beginning of eight grade. I began sneaking out of school, skipping classes, and lying to my mom, just so I could reach the dragon level. Instead of doing homework, I spent all my time looking for exotic weapons for my character to wield. I was addicted, and my grades were paying the price.

However, a titanium coated dagger is not the only self-defense mechanism in my arsenal. I was too frightened to deal with what I had become, so I spent the rest of my time convincing my parents and myself that I was doing badly because I wasn't interested, not because I wasn't trying. Math was the proof. "I study math only!I don't like the rest of my subjects because they are pointless!" The truth is that I could do well in math without studying. Protected with my excuse, I plunged back into my games.

Then the fateful day came: my dreadful 30 percent. One test grade might not seem so significant, but for me it was the final straw. It represented an accumulation of skipped days and missed lessons, and more importantly, the loss of myself. Alone in my room that night, I pulled the two pronged monster out of its electric socket, and left my computer unplugged for six months. My vision blurred from too-many-hours (i think you can do without the hyphens staring at a screen, and the hot tears that were now falling from my eyes, I made a promise that I would regain what I had lost. I realized that I alone could stand up and fix my mistake, and that I could be proud of myself again.

In the next months, I made it my objective to regain what I had lost. I begged choose a different word my math teachers to tutor me on what I had missed that year, and asked my friends to help me with writing and French. The socket remained empty as my life began to refill.

One year gone by, I woke up to the sound of mail being shoved into a slot. "Results" read a black stamp on the back of the first envelope. Heart pumping, I pulled the folded paper out, and a huge smile crossed my face. It was my score. It was high, high is great, but how high? How far from 30 percent did you improve? and it came with an acceptance letter to one of the top high schools in the country! I had regained my pride, and my sense of self, not because of the letter, but because I knew that I had not lost my life to an obsession.

Because of that experience, I have the strength to pursue a better future. I have no fear of challenged ahead, because I know that when the time comes, I will put my education above video games where it belongs. Is this what you envision to happen? Just clarify a bit here.

Undergraduate / "Mongolian Red Cross Youth" - Extracuricular activity /volunteer works/ [4]

Hi, i understand you are an international applicant, so it was more difficult for you since English may not be your first language. Great job on the essay. Here are a few pointers.

5 Five years ago,I decided to become a member of Mongolian Red Cross Youth by receiving offer from a nice gentleman <- unnecessary detail. It was BIG <- choose another adjective. perhaps huge? impactful? challenge that changed my previous stereo-type (typical) life, in which I had no ability to concern for any other things than lesson. <- perhaps delete this sentence as a whole.

Although I was considered as the best student in my class and school,I realized that there were so many people who had far more practical skills and innovative ideas than I did when entering into new community.Therefore,I started making efforts to improve myself.

Until now,I have not only participated but also organized by myself lots of volunteer and humanitarian activities.<- specify! they want details about your extracurriculars The more I joined, the stronger I obsessedenjoyed it?into .

As a result, I have gained great amount of respect from my family members, friends, teachers, and schoolmates.I'm sure all "lessons" learned from this experience will be fruityword choice! try useful/applicable. in the future.

I believe they want the essay to be approx. 150 words.

Undergraduate / "the significance of Schwarzenegger v. EMA" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [3]

Hi, what an interesting case! I enjoyed reading your essay- it taught me about a significant case. But what I wanted to know was your opinion on it. I wish you'd have created an argument for/against (most likely towards keeping call of duty) and why.

While researching Supreme Court cases for "We The People," I was struck by the significance of Schwarzenegger v. EMA. The Supreme Court recently heard the oral arguments about banning the sale or rental of "deviant violent" video games to minors.

As a teenager who has spent considerable time playing video games, I was interested in this case because of the potential ban of popular games to teens - like Call of Duty. My first opinions were about how it is wrong to tell parents how to parent, that there are ratings and blocking mechanisms in place, and how will manufacturers decide which games are "violent."Reword (don't say "my first opinions were..." Perhaps "To have the government interfere upon my favorite passtime... upset me..."

But, after reading the oral arguments, I discovered that this case is also about Youth Rights, and how violence in technology will be defined when applying it to the First Amendment. <- Here, you're saying that you realized the significance of this supreme court case. I really wish you could add your opinion here! :) If fictional, interactive violence is classified as an obscenity in the Court's opinion, violent, "low value" speech will no longer be protected by the First Amendment and young people, especially teens, could lose additional rights as a result.

Justice Ginzburg posed the question: If video games are "a category of violent materials dangerous to children," then "what about films? What about comic books?" nice... elaborate more on how absurd the case is If the Court's opinion is to treat video violence as an obscenity, the effect could be far reaching, possibly censoring a teen's right to view violent movies, listen to violent lyrics or even watch violent cartoons.

Defending First Amendment rights demonstrates what is great about our country and the Supreme Court is key in its defense. The Court's opinion, using historical precedents, will define the First Amendment as it relates to our technology driven twenty-first century. The Court's opinion, due by June, could change the future of free speech. <- again, opinion!!!

I hope my critique helped! If you would like to critique my essay as well, it is titled "important issues in the field of psychology" - stanford: intellectual experience in the link below~ thanks

Undergraduate / "the desire for "the outside world" - family experience, history U of Washington [2]

Hi, I really like the concept of your essay. You just need to adjust your syntax and word choice. Here are some sentences you should perhaps revise:

In my childhood, due to my poor health,...

Through the encyclopedia, I discovered a wonderful world full of dinosaurs, space shuttles and volcanoes, etc.; It is also where my first ideal occupation came from -to be a scientist in the future.

It is hard to demonstrate what my parents brought to shape my dream;

Meanwhile, I wish I can help the outside world know more about our inside world. (you never mentioned anything about the "inside world" yet. I would just leave that out)

Undergraduate / "Laugh at yourself and at life" - Stanford Essay: Letter to a Roommate [3]

Hi Jonathan, your essay is split into two parts, and they are both very interesting. In my opinion, I believe you should focus on one and relate it to the person you are. That way, you can go into more detail and elaborate about one or two characteristics of yourself that comes out of the scenario.

I didnt see the transition for this letter, so it was a bit confusing.

- "Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come." This is way too long of a quote. You should condense it so that you can utilize more of the 250 words.

I really liked the anecdote about you and your sister. Maybe choose that one?

Hope that helped!

Undergraduate / "I want to be different" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 [6]

Hi Jazmin,
Congratulations on a great essay, it gave me a good understanding of the person behind the application. Just a few pointers here and there that may help you out:

To her, being reserved and quiet was not acceptable, and she desperately

into the conversation because their conversations bored me. <-- this sounds a bit...obnoxious let's just say...

great job on the mask, i like the meaning behind it.

I would hide my personality; hide my intellectual smartness by "dumbing down" my diction just to fit in. <-- this seems a bit obnoxious as well. You're saying here that all your "popular friends" are inferior to you. Maybe not the best impression you can put on..

epiphany <-- elaborate a LOT more on this epiphany

I wanted to be different. <-- why is 'want' in past tense? do you no longer want to be different?

Hope these suggestions help! good luck with the application process!

Undergraduate / MUN and EYP - How I spent my last two summers [5]

Barbara, I would like to commend you for a fantastic essay. You approached the topic in such a way that both your background and your experiences are incorporated, making the essay personal and therefore much stronger.

Here are some minor errors that I found:
"While these last summer," (third paragraph)
"One day looking for sponsorship and building a strong programme for the EYP session and the other creating a resolution on Japan's foreign policy and trying to find potential allies, it was a way of feeling connected with the outside world, learning more and more as the months passed by. "

By "it," do you mean "organizing the 4th National Selection Conference of EYP Albania, preparing for an upcoming Model United Nations and studying for my French and TOEFL exam?" Maybe you want to change "it" to "these activities."

"While studying for all the exams, gave me a sense of purpose, a chance to prove everything I have been fighting for and making that first concrete step towards my academic future."

What have you been fighting for? You didn't mention fighting for anything previously, so while the phrase may sound passionate, I would rephrase it to summarize your overall point instead.

Undergraduate / My time in Science club helps create a new environmental club- UC Prompt #2 [2]

Hi, here are a few comments regarding your essay:
I like your approach to your environment club. In your essay, you are able to portray the sense of importance this activity has on you.

Here are some points you can improve on:

Avoid using "really" or "very." Basically avoid the "y" words.

Take out the swimming part. I know this shows how you sacrificed for your clubs, but from my impression of it, it just sounded a bit whiney. Others will write about death and dying, but here, you write about missing swim practice.

Show, not tell. Especially for "As I entered the first meeting, I was alone with nobody. However as I leave high school, I will walk out with invaluable friends and a planted idea that has germinated to become Fremont-Ians Enabling Real Change in the Environment," show how you transformed or gained the new connections with people instead of telling it.

Hope that helps!

Undergraduate / "Love for science and experiments" - the world you come from [4]

Hi, You answered the prompt well. First, you established the world you come from and then you related it your current pursuit. However, there are a few errors here and there...

When I turned 12, I
I love learning things very thoroughly. "things" may not be the most appropriate word choice here.

In general the paragraph beginning with "I love learning" weakens your essay overall. It is a generalization of who you are, and it "tells" rather than "shows." You should delete the entire paragraph unless you have a specific point you want to make there. As of right now, the only point you are making there is "I like to understand science because I get super paranoid if I don't."

To compensate for deleting the paragraph, you should elaborate more on your conclusion.
How has interning for the arsenic lab changed your views? How has it changed your view on science? What potential do you have in science from your experiences?

Hope that helps! =)

Undergraduate / "Taiwanese and Americans" - Common App: "...what you would bring to the diversity..." [4]

Hey, AID summer program right? I can relate to your essay in so many ways haha.

Regarding your essay, I would elaborate on "richer life experiences" and "I learned that seeing 'things'..."
I like how you related your experience to the person you are. You approached the essay in a unique way.