Posts by janosaur

janosaur

Nov 23, 2010

Undergraduate / "I am going to the United States to achieve my dream" - the world you come from [4]

You did a good job of answering the prompt!

I would work on focusing your essay. The paragraph about you wanting to become a doctor is unnecessary, in my opinion. In fact, I think your essay could be stronger if you discussed your life in Vietnam in more detail; you could provide anecdotes which would enrich your essay and serve as a backdrop for your dreams/aspirations.

Good luck! =)

janosaur

Nov 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "my mother's blessing" - about someone who has made an impact on your life. [3]

Good job revising your last paragraph!

Here are a few more suggestions:

Due to my mother's career in chemistry, my life has always revolved around the sciences.Growing up, I would visit her lab and watch with fascination as she~~her attempt to~~mixed chemicals and ~~then~~ran~~some~~ tests. Whenever I find myself in an environment of physics and mathematics, I do feel that same sense of belonging that my mother felt while working.At the University of Texas, I plan to study physics and mathematics. With my mother's blessing, I will strive to succeed at the University of Texas

I'm glad I could help! =)

janosaur

Nov 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "I acquired Emily and Melanie as step-sisters" - a person who has had an influence [4]

Here are some suggestions:

After my parent's divorce, I would come home after school and go straight into my little room.I would plop myself into my little pink rocking chair and stare at my little television, thinking of how little I seemed to people. I may have not been a loner, but that did not mean that I was not alone. I had no one to share my hopes, dreams, and secrets with, not even ~~someone as simple as~~ a brother or sister. My solitary lifestyle ~~easily~~ turned me into a timorous child~~, one~~who had no motivation to succeed ~~or excel~~(succeed in what way? academically?) . It was not until my dad remarried that I became a different person. It was not until I acquired Emily and Melanie as step-sisters that I became someone worth knowing.

Emily and Melanie were complete opposites. Emily was very feminine, always wearing the cutest clothes and styling her hair in the latest trends. She was also very funny, cracking jokes about everything and anything. Melanie, on the other hand, was very athletic; she participated in ~~about~~ three different soccer teams, constantly biked and played tennis. Melanie was also incredibly intelligent , achieving straight A's and participating in ~~about~~ five different extracurricular clubs. ~~The two are both older than I am,~~ Emily was older than me by three years, and Melanie by one. Their personalities were therefore developed far beyond my meager nine years.

One thing, you mention that they had attractive personalities; is that how you wanted others to perceive you? Perhaps you could further explain [i]why you wanted to be like your step-sisters.

Also, the tone in the 3rd paragraph doesn't match the tone in the last paragraph. In the 3rd paragraph, it seems as if you hated your step sisters; in the last paragraph, it seems like you all get along. Perhaps you could lighten the tone in this sentence to match the overall tone in the rest of your essay: "We roll played for a few weeks, changing our attitudes towards each other from friendly, to mocking to outright cruel."

Other than that, you did a great job of answering the prompt!

Good luck! =)[/i]

janosaur

Nov 21, 2010

Undergraduate / "helping my blind sister" - my world, family, dreams, aspirations [4]

Hello!

Your essay is off to a great start!

A few grammatical things:
- Change "I attempted to measure the amount of work I had to do mentally " to "I attempted to mentally measure the amount of work I had to do".

- Change "sorted out the stack of mail given to me " to "sorted out the stack of mail she gave to me ". Avoid using passive voice!

- "I also helped myself practice to expand my vocabulary" is a little awkward. A better approach would be something like "I also helped myself by expanding my vocabulary".

You could expand on this part: When I reached the last envelope, I cracked a slight smile. With a dignified expression, I read the last letter. What about that moment made you smile? Why did you feel dignified?

You could also expand on how your sister has helped you grow as a person. What else have you learned from helping her aside from ? Have you faced any challenges with having a sister who is blind? If you have, how have you overcome these challenges and how have they shaped your dreams/aspirations?

Overall, you did a great job of answering the prompt! But I think you can say much more about yourself.

Good luck!

janosaur

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / Peanut Butter sandwich (UC Prompt #1) [4]

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

As far back as I can remember, my food vocabulary had been limited to one entry: a peanut butter sandwich. Lunch meat, BLT's, and hamburgers were all foreign concepts to me, and I preferred to keep it that way. The idea of exposing my mind and taste buds to something new frightened me; something new meant something unfamiliar, and something unfamiliar meant something unpleasant. Over time, I developed a familiarity with the sandwich that sheltered me and left me afraid to try other foods.

This all changed, however, when my friends took me out to dinner at an undisclosed location on my fifteenth birthday. To my horror, the location turned out to be a local burger joint. Somewhere in between the first bite of the burger and the last delighted lick of my fingers, I came to a troubling realization: my coveted peanut butter sandwich epitomized my life - plain, simple, and safe.

Up until that point, I dearly held the belief that peanut butter sandwiches were the only food I needed to survive. In reality, a lifetime of peanut butter sandwiches left me starved - starved of new foods, new possibilities, and new experiences. A life of routine prevented me from straying beyond the boundaries I knew best. I finally understood that I had been confined in a cocoon of peanut butter sandwiches and ignorance, unaware of the world around me. From that day on, I resolved to emerge from my sheltered cocoon and explore the uncharted territory of new and exciting foods, as well as other opportunities I had not yet given any consideration to.

In my junior year of high school, I decided to apply this resolution to my academic life and finally expand my passion for music by auditioning for the Chamber Choir. Listening to the choir performances had discouraged me from auditioning in the past; I could not sing as high, nor sight read as well. Nevertheless, I auditioned, and to my surprise, I was accepted. The acceptance marked the first introduction into expanding my scope on how to carry myself in life; I have relished every moment of it since.

I have come to learn that personal growth is not a result of doing what I've always done. Rather, growth comes from taking action and thrusting myself into new environments. And although it can be difficult at times, nothing invigorates me more than straying outside of my comfort zone and dipping my head in fresh batches of air.

By constantly challenging myself and testing my limits, I become closer and closer to reaching my full potential. In the same way, with each new dish I try, my food dictionary continues to expand. I can proudly say that my dictionary is no longer limited to only peanut butter sandwiches. I have now tried spaghetti for the first time, and have even dared to nibble on exotic delicacies like escargot. But even so, I am not ashamed to say that I still enjoy the occasional peanut butter sandwich.

Feel free to destroy my essay. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

janosaur

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "Art is my passion" - Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), any goals [2]

Hello!

I think your essay is off to a great start, but there are some things that can be fixed!

Throughout the essay, you talk about what you want. So this quote, in my opinion, contradicts your entire essay: Randy Paush once said, "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

"I need a experience that will help me..."

"I want to start my job at east coast. East coast is the heart of art, which is why I want to start my career in east coast." These two sentences are redundant. You could combine them into something like this: "I want to start my career in the east coast, the very heart of art."

"Although there are colleges in California that can shape my life, I will not be successful in east coast." Did you mean west coast ?

The meaning of many of the sentences are diluted because of the strange wording, for example:
- Henry Hornbostel the first dean Carnegie Architecture, design the buildings especially College of Fine Arts is very structured and well built.
- Art is my passion and I want to pursue instead my passion

Also, I'm not quite sure what you meant by this sentence: "Not only it was well built, each buildings has meaning that motivates students to work hard."

Overall, you answered the prompt correctly, but I believe that your answers could be presented in a much more coherent essay. Find some way to connect your desire to study/live in the east coast, your fascination with the works of Andy Warhol (and how he has inspired you), and your aspirations and you'll be well on your way!

Good luck!

janosaur

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "To make the best of my life" - The world i came from starts in my mind - UC#1 [3]

Hello!

Your essay is really interesting and the first paragraph is great. I especially like sentence: I'd like to think "Bleue" suits me: easy-going, neither overly intense nor flashy; even-keeled, neither incandescent nor in-your-face bold; and introspective, but neither shy nor reticent.

But overall, I think your essay is too scattered. You have several ideas going on at once, but it would be best to focus on one aspect of your world and expand on that.

Personally, I think this part would make for an interesting essay:
Because of this, a lot of my family lives in Europe, giving me opportunities to travel the world at a young age. Traveling to the British Isles has given me some insight into the larger world we inhabit and has broadened my perspective.

You could give an anecdote and expand further on how these experiences have shaped your aspirations/dreams.

Also, the last three paragraphs are somewhat random in comparison to the rest of your essay. Although they do relate to who you are as a person, they do not connect to the world you come from or your aspirations/dreams.

Good luck!