OhsoSoulful
Nov 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Check your submissions dates common app posting incorrect dates!? [19]
november 30th but do it earlier because system might crash
november 30th but do it earlier because system might crash
OhsoSoulful
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]
"My Mountains and Oceans" uc prompt 1
(I feel as though my third paragraph is a bit awkward, any help? strengths, weaknesses? i would really appreciate the help. And i feel like i should start my essay differently, it seems too plain, any ideas?)
Being a first generation immigrant from Mongolia has given me many chances to see and experience things that I wouldn't have if I were born here. My family immigrated to the United States in 2001. They were highly educated individuals, my mother a medical doctor and my father, a lawyer, but when they came here, their credentials were dismissed. I saw my parents struggle to keep a roof over my head and to feed my brother and me. They sacrificed all their energy, joys, and dreams so that I could one day see my own realized. This is why I feel the strong need to succeed so I can bring all their hard work to fruition by attaining a higher education.
As a child, my parents worked many late hours so I would wait for them at the local library after school. It was there where my young curious soul sailed freely in the boundless oceans of books. I would read for hours on end. It had become my home away from home. It was there where I have shaped my dreams and aspirations, where I realized the importance of education. Within these mountains and oceans of books, i have gained much knowledge.
My father was also a great source of insight to me. He would never fail to remind me to be optimistic, even when things look dim. With a keen look in his eyes, he would affirm, "How you perceive things today, is the reality of life tomorrow." He has taught me to be ambitious, to take every opportunity and make use of it, to never let one go to waste. As cliché as it sounds, "For every door closed, another opens." Out of all the qualities he possesses, there is one especially that I want to receive and have as my own, his kindness, and his ability to always put others first. Even though he may not seem like it, he is a very kindhearted person.
I feel sentimental sometimes and think about how much my parents have sacrificed for my brother and me to be able to dream bigger and have bigger and brighter futures than they could ever hope to have. We're given so many opportunities so why not take them? Why not take what we have and use it? I want to graduate from college, I want to help people, I want to make my parents proud for their hard work and be the best I can be, I want to take every chance that I'm given and make every chance that I'm not given to ensure that my future will be filled with happiness. We all choose our own destiny; I will experience all that this world has to offer and fulfill my destiny by giving back as a highly educated member of society.
"My Mountains and Oceans" uc prompt 1
(I feel as though my third paragraph is a bit awkward, any help? strengths, weaknesses? i would really appreciate the help. And i feel like i should start my essay differently, it seems too plain, any ideas?)
Being a first generation immigrant from Mongolia has given me many chances to see and experience things that I wouldn't have if I were born here. My family immigrated to the United States in 2001. They were highly educated individuals, my mother a medical doctor and my father, a lawyer, but when they came here, their credentials were dismissed. I saw my parents struggle to keep a roof over my head and to feed my brother and me. They sacrificed all their energy, joys, and dreams so that I could one day see my own realized. This is why I feel the strong need to succeed so I can bring all their hard work to fruition by attaining a higher education.
As a child, my parents worked many late hours so I would wait for them at the local library after school. It was there where my young curious soul sailed freely in the boundless oceans of books. I would read for hours on end. It had become my home away from home. It was there where I have shaped my dreams and aspirations, where I realized the importance of education. Within these mountains and oceans of books, i have gained much knowledge.
My father was also a great source of insight to me. He would never fail to remind me to be optimistic, even when things look dim. With a keen look in his eyes, he would affirm, "How you perceive things today, is the reality of life tomorrow." He has taught me to be ambitious, to take every opportunity and make use of it, to never let one go to waste. As cliché as it sounds, "For every door closed, another opens." Out of all the qualities he possesses, there is one especially that I want to receive and have as my own, his kindness, and his ability to always put others first. Even though he may not seem like it, he is a very kindhearted person.
I feel sentimental sometimes and think about how much my parents have sacrificed for my brother and me to be able to dream bigger and have bigger and brighter futures than they could ever hope to have. We're given so many opportunities so why not take them? Why not take what we have and use it? I want to graduate from college, I want to help people, I want to make my parents proud for their hard work and be the best I can be, I want to take every chance that I'm given and make every chance that I'm not given to ensure that my future will be filled with happiness. We all choose our own destiny; I will experience all that this world has to offer and fulfill my destiny by giving back as a highly educated member of society.
OhsoSoulful
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]
thank you. I'm gonna revise and add those things in. and post it again!
thank you. I'm gonna revise and add those things in. and post it again!
OhsoSoulful
Nov 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]
I'm really lost on how to put my ideas into words. any help please? and overall, how my intro and conclusion are. feel free to just rip it apart. dont hold back.
I'm really lost on how to put my ideas into words. any help please? and overall, how my intro and conclusion are. feel free to just rip it apart. dont hold back.
OhsoSoulful
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Dancing at a ball, Writing & Baking - UC App Prompts #1 & 2 [4]
Your essays are very metaphoric. I love it! i wish i could write that well. your essays are mindblowingly(if that's even a word, which it probably isn't, lol) good in my opinion.
Your essays are very metaphoric. I love it! i wish i could write that well. your essays are mindblowingly(if that's even a word, which it probably isn't, lol) good in my opinion.
OhsoSoulful
Nov 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "to extend my knowledge of mathematics" - personal talent, UC Prompt [4]
it seems that you're a genius, just make sure your grades correspond to your essay, or they'll know that you're over exaggerating. it's a good essay but i feel that it doesnt flow that well. maybe because you're bouncing around too many topics
it seems that you're a genius, just make sure your grades correspond to your essay, or they'll know that you're over exaggerating. it's a good essay but i feel that it doesnt flow that well. maybe because you're bouncing around too many topics
OhsoSoulful
Nov 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "Flying Solo" + "Control Tower" - UC talent, contribution, experience [3]
your first essay is well written in my opinion. but on your second essay, towards the end you come straight out and tell us how it changed you as a person and what you're gonna do in the future. the reader is intelligent enough to figure that out. but overall it's a good essay. just try to embed those new life goals casually into your essay.
your first essay is well written in my opinion. but on your second essay, towards the end you come straight out and tell us how it changed you as a person and what you're gonna do in the future. the reader is intelligent enough to figure that out. but overall it's a good essay. just try to embed those new life goals casually into your essay.
OhsoSoulful
Nov 12, 2010
Undergraduate / I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. [10]
hmm. it seems... too general. it doesnt really point out one experience that has changed you. it's a thought that you've been pondering over your lifetime. and your reached verdict is senseless. A nine year old taking thousands of years of belief and prayer and blowing it off as "silly". it's clear that you're a curious person and you hunger for knowledge and you have good diction, but the content in no way shows what kind of person you are. the reader(the person at the UC reading this) will think this essay is a big jumble of words with no real content. your diction is good but they will not find it particularly impressive as they see many essays from many intelligent applicants. and your conclusion that the concept of God is "silly" might offend some people.
hmm. it seems... too general. it doesnt really point out one experience that has changed you. it's a thought that you've been pondering over your lifetime. and your reached verdict is senseless. A nine year old taking thousands of years of belief and prayer and blowing it off as "silly". it's clear that you're a curious person and you hunger for knowledge and you have good diction, but the content in no way shows what kind of person you are. the reader(the person at the UC reading this) will think this essay is a big jumble of words with no real content. your diction is good but they will not find it particularly impressive as they see many essays from many intelligent applicants. and your conclusion that the concept of God is "silly" might offend some people.
OhsoSoulful
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]
i see. i didnt notice that. thank you very much! any more criticism is appreciated too.
i see. i didnt notice that. thank you very much! any more criticism is appreciated too.
OhsoSoulful
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]
i feel like i have no specific theme and as if im not addressing the prompt. please help. strengths? weaknesses?
I realized early on that life is not easy. I come from a middle class family, but my parents had to sacrifice a lot to get where they are now. In my birth country, Mongolia, my father was a prosecutor and my mother was a doctor. They gave all that up for one simple reason: they wanted more for their kids, more for my brother and me, so we don't have to suffer as they did, so we don't have to go through the pain that they have felt.
Mongolia is a place where few opportunities exist and poverty is everywhere. Making a living is hard, even as successful, educated lawyers and doctors. The government is corrupt, so the rich keep getting richer and the poor get poorer. A future for someone in such a country was nonexistent, yet people tried to make the best of it.
...
thank you. any and all help is appreciated!
-Serg
i feel like i have no specific theme and as if im not addressing the prompt. please help. strengths? weaknesses?
I realized early on that life is not easy. I come from a middle class family, but my parents had to sacrifice a lot to get where they are now. In my birth country, Mongolia, my father was a prosecutor and my mother was a doctor. They gave all that up for one simple reason: they wanted more for their kids, more for my brother and me, so we don't have to suffer as they did, so we don't have to go through the pain that they have felt.
Mongolia is a place where few opportunities exist and poverty is everywhere. Making a living is hard, even as successful, educated lawyers and doctors. The government is corrupt, so the rich keep getting richer and the poor get poorer. A future for someone in such a country was nonexistent, yet people tried to make the best of it.
...
thank you. any and all help is appreciated!
-Serg
