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Posts by Benn_Myers
Joined: Nov 14, 2010
Last Post: Dec 27, 2010
Threads: 8
Posts: 46  

From: United States of America

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Benn_Myers   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I will feast on an extravagant meal" - interest of study, my essay for Georgetown [3]

This is a good essay, and our pal Mr. Erickson is making another appearance. My advice for this essay is similar to that I gave you for your last prompt, although to a much lesser degree. This is already a good essay and the only problem I might have with it is it does tend to dabble more in the intellectual and abstract then the grounded and emotional; that being said, it dwells in the intellectual and abstract very well.

I would consider adding a anecdote (if you the word limit allows) with more emotion. If that isn't the case then I would probably call it good, this essay is solid and a major reworking of it to make it "more emotional" is honestly not worth the time.

I won't be able to give you any more feedback on your essays until next Sunday (which is presumably after deadline) collegegirl 24, I'll be in an area without computers. I'll try to get on and look it over if you make any edits, but as far as I go your most likely on your own from here out.

But don't worry, your essays are good. Best of luck mate.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

I mean, more of your essay is certainly devoted to showcasing your commitment to psychology, but I don't think its a bad thing.

Even though its about their school it gets pretty boring to just read about the SAME reasons people want to attend these schools. Your well-explained interest helps define you as well as characterize and help define your interest in the school, so I'd say it helps you in both ways. This is a good essay and they'd be stupid to over analyze it to the point where it wasn't. I think you'll be fine.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "From a remote Canadian town to Columbia University" - Supp - Why Columbia? [8]

You not only addressed the prompt, you blew it away. This is a fantastic essay for such a short answer. I'm not just saying that because I'm one of those people who likes to post a lot of short, unthoughtful out answers either. This is well-written, personal, interesting, and a little bit charming. You did damn good.

Best of luck.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

"in a have-not part of the city" While I sort of like this idiom you'd probably be better off saying, "impoverished" or even just "poorer" less is almost always more.

Other then that this second draft is vastly better then your first. Its a good essay and I think you've done exactly what I asked. I have very little left to say besides best of luck on your applications.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / How you first knew about BU and what steps did to improve your knowledge? Short essay [3]

Well this is a... bizarre question, but one you answer well. While this answer doesn't really jump out as brimming with personality or creativity there's no doubt that you answered the question and the prompt. My one bit of advice would be to try to spruce up your conclusion, talk about why BU appeals to you or what struck you about it. This will give the answer some more voice and give the admissions officer a better sense of you.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "to discover the personality of a college" - Vassar Supplement [5]

Having just finished this essay I can testify to the fact that its hard to fit what you want to say in 500 characters. This isn't a perfect essay, but considering the tiny amount of space provided its far more than adequate. Assuming you have a strong common application essay I think that you'll be fine and shouldn't worry about submitting this.

Best of luck.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

This essay, especially your intro, is bogged down in psychological theory.

While it useful to "name-drop" to demonstrate your familiarity with the subject the extended discussion of Erickson's stages of development does very little for your essay as a whole and only establishes you as a person in broad strokes and terms. Your essay gets much better when you talk about your own experiences and observations, you should try to make this essay more personal.

Its clear you have a passion for the subject, and you convey that more clearly and effectively in an essay. Focus on tying it back to yourself and specific experiences and ideas that center around YOU, not Erickson.

Best of luck.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "my first time at the flea market" - Cornell College of Arts & Sciences : Economics [4]

First off I would clarify your fathers interaction with the flea market, was he a customer or a owner? Its not a huge deal but it left me feeling a little confused at the beginning of your essay which is never a good way to open up.

Besides this I would re-examine your conclusion. Its good in that it is specific, shows interest, and ties you as a person to the school, but it completely lacks emotional appeal. You have an interesting and kind of cute anecdote to run with and I feel like you could very easily tie it into your conclusion to make it more personal, emotional, and lasting. Focus on appealing to pathos there and your essay will be much more satisfying and powerful to read.

Good luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Helping others may be the greatest gift" law school personal statement [3]

I should preface this by saying that I'm applying to undergraduate programs right now, and as such don't know that much about graduate school application, but here's my feedback:

This is a good essay. Although I would change your first sentence, it jumps out more then anything else in the essay as unnecessarily wordy. It doesn't sound natural and feels like its been twisted and tweaked to sound more intellectual, I would rewrite it more conversationally. While this academic writing can be useful in showing off vocabulary or intelligence, it shouldn't be your first sentence and should be kept to a minimum throughout the essay.

The other thing I noticed was that your essay becomes better as you read. It seems like you picked up steam and became more comfortable with the prompt. Things read easier and more pleasantly and your statements pack more emotional punch. I might go back and rewrite your first few paragraphs now that you know exactly what you're writing about and seem more comfortable with the question and prompt, but that's no guarantee to better results.

Best of luck
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Writing Feedback / The effects of using computer everyday on children [6]

You need to take a stronger stance in this essay.

I'm assuming its an essay which has a persuasive component to it, and you qualify so much in your conclusion that it takes what is essentially no stance at all. You need to find a side you agree more with, or arguments from one side you can cut down. Right now this essay doesn't really SAY anything, which is the greatest sin an essay can commit.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "a student suitable for a large university" - BU supplement. Too offensive? [4]

Your essay is fine, save the beginning.
Your intro (what you hope to accomplish in each of your years at BU) is simply detrimental to your essay. Its not serious but it fails to be a real joke that would endear you to the admissions committee. I know its not what you were hoping to hear but cut that part of your essay and make another hook.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Bugs Bunny - different from other popular characters (Common App Essay) [9]

This essay in interesting, its a great idea and its fairly well executed. My main bit of feedback would be that you need to ground your essay more.

The goal of a good essay (at least this sort of essay) is to propose interesting ideas and provide relevant examples (grounding the essay). You provide examples of Bugs Bunny but none of YOURSELF. I would add a part of your essay where you discuss a specific example of when Bugs Bunny example has influenced your actions. This will make your essay much, much stronger. College essays are about you, and by tying back and grounding the essay in your own experiences the reader will become much more involved and your abstract paper will become directly relevant.

I rarely stress advice this much but I'm positive that your essay will be much better if you add this example.

Best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "witty, impulsive, principled, and curious" -Stanford Short- bad form to use a joke? [7]

The vast majority of my essays are pretty philosophical. I kind of wanted to mix it up and show a lighter side of me. One of Stanford's questions is, "what are five words that describe you?" My answer is as follows:

"I am witty, impulsive, principled, and curious. Its also worth nothing that I am extremely handsome (chiseled to use a more specific word) and I would be willing, if pressed, to serve as the face of Stanford. (A face that's chiseled of GRANITE.)"

Its not a great joke but I kind of like it, however, this may be totally inappropriate to submit. Any feedback would be great. Thanks in advance.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Lost in Musical Translation-CommonApp Essay on Risk and Experience [8]

This is a good essay, damn good even. I wouldn't worry about bumping and further refinement on this, at some point you've just got to bite the bullet and submit the essay, and that's what I'd urge you to do.

But yeah, you've got a strong voice, good progression, and an engaging topic. This is a real winner. Good job.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Columbia is somewhere I'd be proud to go to school" - Short Answer [2]

The Prompt is: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

I need help trimming my response by about 150 characters, I also need general feedback to this short answers general worth.
Thank you in advance.

Let's start off and talk about the big picture, specifically location. Columbia University is located in New York, which is hugely appealing to me. Despite increasing globalization and change New York is still the center of the world. It's a center of commerce, creativity, and progress. It's the center of the world and I can't think of a better place to start out my life on my own.

As for the school itself, Columbia's writing program is a huge draw for me. I'm not sure what I want to do professionally, but I love to write. I don't know if I want to write professionally, but I intend to continue to pursue it as a hobby and cathartic exercise. Columbia's renowned creative writing and journalism programs can help turn me into the writer I want to be.

And beyond those two specific programs Columbia offers such a strong background in every other discipline. As stated previously I'm not sure what I want to study, but that's not a problem at Columbia. It's such an all around balanced and versatile school that I can be comfortable in the knowledge that whatever I fall in love with or decide to study will be offered in force at Columbia. It's a school that will give me a real chance to experiment and grow without the risk of backing the wrong academic horse.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Columbia is somewhere I'd be proud to go to school. To be picked as one of the select few who get to interact with Columbia's celebrated staff and elite students would be a privilege. I'd be a reminder of my own potential and reason to continue to do my best at everything I do, and become the person I want to be.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Core, Leaders, and Arts - Why Columbia [2]

Creativity is good for essays, but it can't be forced.

If you've got a good, creative idea of how to approach a prompt then you should write that bad boy up with haste; but if no ideas are forthcoming the straightforward approach is best. Creativity can add a little flair to your application but a well-written, straight-forward answer can be just as useful in its brevity and clarity. Its tempting to be stressed about not being creative enough, but I think that you'll be fine.

That being said even without creativity you could make this essay a little more engaging. While it is very well-organized your 1,2,3 format makes it read like a cliche, something which you might want to change. I might rewrite with the same ideas and see what comes out, it certainly can't hurt you.

Best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "I try to be a real person" - What you would to tell to your roomate about yourself? [2]

This is a good piece of writing. Its interesting and thought provoking, however, I'm not sure its what their looking for.

I don't think you'd be denied admission by submitting it, because it does reveal something interesting about you and showcase your ability to write, but its a little... heavy for a roommate letter. I would try to ground it more in experiences and reality (and it can be hard, I have a huge issue with it.) I feel like if any supplement question should be sort of light and easy it should be this one, its the least "intellectual" of the essay prompts from Stanford.

List some activities you do, really let yourself shine through, you can clearly write and you have a good sense of humor (I'd laugh a your jokes,) so try to bring that out in this essay.

Good luck champ.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Chicago- Favorite book and author-Moby-Dick [4]

I feel like this essay isn't really answering the question very well. You tell them a favorite book of yours, but you don't really delve into how it defines or characterizes you personally. It reads more like a book report than a college essay and I would consider a rewrite.

However, it you really like it, there are a few things to fix:
Is "metaphysics" the word you really want to use? Its a little lofty and doesn't fit very cleanly into your essay.

Your second topic sentence (beginning of the second paragraph) needs to be changed. It basically states, "this is a good book because its by a good author." That kind of phrase is pretty useless to the reader. This should be cut and replaced with something more original or useful.

But yeah, upon reading it a second time I would highly push you to rewrite. This isn't a bad book report or review, but its not what they're looking for. It should tie back to you better, and while Moby Dick is interesting admissions officers don't want to read a literary analysis of the books strengths that have no real relevance to you and your admission.

Best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "a yearning for knowledge and education" - Brown: What Don't I Know? [4]

I like it more. The only thing I would change is that stylistically our a bit of a "thesaurus-writer" in that portion of the essay (intro). While its good to show that you have a large vocabulary, complicated words don't make good writing. I'd simplify your diction a little bit and your essay will read easier and more conversationally.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "a yearning for knowledge and education" - Brown: What Don't I Know? [4]

This is a decent essay, but there's a few things I'd change.

I don't like your intro really, while I understand the desire to acknowledge the space limit and express the pressure it puts you under its nothing people want ot read. It skips from being endearing or enlightening and just seeming kind of whiny. I'd drop that. Additionally the part of your essay where you speak about what you don't know drags on too long. I would change it to 3 broad examples in succession, this would shorten ti while still expressing the volume of what you don't know.

Also in your third paragraph "Oftentimes" is not the word, "More-times than not" is the correct idiom, although I think that it still flows a little awkwardly. Also, its just a little thing but Galileo did not create the theory of a helio-centric universe, he was just the most well-known and powerful supporter. It was some earlier guy who actually came up with the theory. Not a big thing, but it'd suck if your admissions officer called you on it.

Other then that, good essay, best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "personal college experience" - Why Northwestern [3]

This is a good essay. Content wise you've covered all your bases, your specific and clear as to why you want to go to the school and that's your main goal.

Stylistically I think you're a bit too much of a thesaurus writer, you use words belonging to the upper end of academia with a frequency that doesn't feel natural. Generally the best writing is the writing that reads like someone is talking to us and there are a few parts of your essay where you overload the reader with overly complicated words. Simple words are just as useful as complex ones, and I'd suggest toning down the vocabulary in your essay.

Also your intro is good but I feel it drags on a bit too long, and is easily the place in which your thesaurus writing problem is clearest. I'd revise and rewrite your intro.

Good luck!
Benn_Myers   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "Following the Footsteps of Three Generations of Doctors..." -Why Columbia Supplement [5]

Cut this "Equipped with nothing more than a love for the mysteries of both the physiology and the personality of the human being, I venture into a future demanding reverence for the traditional and exploration of my individual self."

I'm not sure exactly what to cut in this paragraph "
My footsteps yearn to trace Columbia's legacy well-rounded, independent-minded thinkers. In addition to the school's on-campus Medical Center and a renowned Biochemistry department, the unique Core Curriculum opens additional possibilities for me to explore so much more, such as the eloquence of Sophocles and the further probing of the constituent classes made possible by Core Reflections. No school seems to scrutinize the more precise details of science while unveiling the broader scope of humanities than Columbia's comprehensive educational system." But there's a lot of extra fat there. I like your essay but here your definitely towing the line between sensible flattery and unsettling commitment to please. I'd tone down your praise of their institution a little bit here.

"With the Metropolitan Museum and the Museum of Modern Art at my fingertips, I may garner a heightened appreciation for the many forms of art, reliving my appeal for the aesthetic from my AP Art History class." While this detail is good its unnecessary, if you need to cut down your essay consider removing that bad boy.

That's what I got, it a solid essay. Good luck.
Benn_Myers   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "the tools I need to make myself better" - What draws you to Northwestern? [3]

The thread is as follows:

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

I need help making my essay more specific and just general feedback. I hate these sorts of essays and any help that can be lent to me is very much appreciated.

The first thing that drew me to Northwestern was location. Now this is something unique on my list for college, as I've generally tried to forget about weather and climate during my application process. These have always seemed like tertiary and petty reasons to attend a school to me, and so I've chosen to throw them aside in order to make the best choices for receiving the education I think I deserve.

But Evanston appeals to me for deeper reasons, it's where my father is from. I haven't traveled very widely during my life, but I've always heard tales of my fathers Evanston child-hood, his forays and journeys into Chicago, his attendance of Northwestern football games; but until I started applying to college they always seemed distant, not just a place across the country but a place from another time. But when I started to look into the schools that I wanted to apply too I realized that it was within my reach to go to Evanston, to experience it. And while I'm sure it's not the same town that my father grew up in, and I'm sure I won't have the same experience, the romantic ideals of sort of going back further into my familial roots appeals to me. I want to see where my father grew up, I want to grow close to place like he did, I want him to be able to show me around the town and tell me what's different and what's the same. Evanston is a romanticized link to the past for me, and this is the first reason I want to attend Northwestern.

Northwestern also quite ably fills my more important second requirement: it's a good school. I believe in college not just for transcripts or degrees but for the actual purpose of gathering and attaining knowledge. With this outlook there's the understanding that you get out of college what you put into it, but with Northwestern I'm sure that I would have no problem immersing and committing myself fully to its academic curriculum. I don't know what I want to do, but Northwestern's undergraduate program offers me security in the fact that all of its departments are strong. I don't have to worry about backing the wrong horse, or realizing that I love journalism of history in a school where their programs are weak in some areas. Whatever I end up doing Northwestern can teach me. This raw undergraduate versatility is Northwestern's primary draw for me. This strength of programs combined with the fact that Northwestern employs distribution requirements instead of a rigid curriculum ensures that I can freely and easily learn what I want to learn. I want to leave college smarter (or at least more knowledgeable) then I walked in. With Northwestern's academic strength and sheer volume of reputable programs I know that I won't have any problems with that.

I wish I had more to tell you. Bigger or deeper reasons for my firm interest in your school, but really that's all I have to say. What more could I want out of college then a great school with a location that appeals to me? I'd be equally happy at a small or large University, (Northwestern's in-between, sounds great to me) I don't particularly care for the particular skill or ranking of sports teams (I like supporting my teams, but it's really more about being at the game then whether we win or lose for me.) Perhaps I'm not as picky as I should be, but all I'm looking for is opportunity. The opportunities to grow, learn, experience, and mature. I know Northwestern can offer this opportunity, I know Northwestern can give me all the tools I need to make myself better, and that is why Northwestern appeals to me.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being an editor" - Common Application Short Answer [4]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).
So, that's the prompt and I'm having some trouble with it. My essay is a little long right now, and I need help figuring out what to cut and whether this essay is a suitable kind of answer. Here goes:

Being an editor was not what I expected.
I expected my staff to be motivated and to do their best for the paper and the class.
As it turned out, this was an extremely optimistic prediction.
But that didn't make the experience any less valuable; in fact, it probably made it more useful. I learned to push kids who were in a class solely for credits to do their best work, I helped them figure out story ideas they cared about, I fought with my Adviser in order to give kids the right to publish what they cared about. I consistently gave kids feedback on their writing, and while I still ended up with some who can't spell to save their lives, they improved, they got better. I didn't have the crack team I wanted, but I got a rag-tag bunch of troops who taught me more then any semi-colon wielding master journalist could ever teach me.

(157 words)

PS: What happens if send in a short answer over the word limit? Does anyone know?
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Writing Feedback / People are starving, but money is spent on pets [4]

First off listen to bennyburns, he knows what he's talking about,claims are useless unless you can support them.
Additionally, you shouldn't spend a paragraph discussing the merits of the other-side. In a good argument paper you acknowledge the other side... and then prove why they're wrong. Spend less time being balanced and more time proving a point.

Finally, you have a weak conclusion. Arguments should rarely culminate in a "people can do this but they really shouldn't..." you should take a firmer stance, you shouldn't go way out there and talk about outlawing pets or anything, but perhaps stricter control on pet ownership, add campaigns encouraging people to refrain from it... ETC.

Its not a bad outline, but you need to flesh it out and come up with a real conclusion and argument.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

Alright, its ultimately a stylistic choice, but your reader might not know or understand this either (although it is much more likely he will then me.) It comes down to your call, but I don't think you lose much from cutting it (even knowing now it just doesn't transfer very well to written form) and I find it detracts from your essay.

But that being said, sometimes you just write something you really want to keep, and if that's the case then stick to your guns, it's not a big deal anyway.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Writing Feedback / "The attraction of New York City" - A meaningful Place [7]

This essay talks about why you like New York, but it doesn't address what New York MEANS to you. It doesn't matter when you first saw a large building, that detail means nothing, your goal in an essay is to take instances like this and use them to support a point or idea. Talk about what seeing these large buildings meant to you, talk about how it made you feel to eat food outside of your comfort zone, talk about a specific performance which inspired you or made you think. As I said earlier, right now this is an essay of a place you like, not a place that means anything to you.

On a different note I wouldn't say, "dramatic events" as the third part of your road-map thesis. It is not clear that you're talking about the theater and leaves the reader confused, so reword that.

Rewrite this guy.

Best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Stanford "California Girls" [4]

Your Katie Perry twist is funny, but poorly implemented. In the first sentence, "
"As philosopher and song-smith Katy Perry once said, "California Girls, we're unforgettable." As my college experience nears, I have taken her wisdom-filled words to heart. All joking aside, while I do yearn for a Katy-Perry like educational utopia, there are more serious reasons for my interest in Stanford. " You say it an immediately move away from it, it's not the purpose of your essay (or even really related to it in any way you discuss) and as such it should be removed. It makes a good hook, but its never good practice to use a hook that doesn't relate to the topic you're discussing.

So, I would either discuss Katie Perry's influence more (a difficult task, since it will be hard to draw meaning into the essay, but if accomplished could be a wonderful boon to your application) or scrap her all together.

Good luck!
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "I love to debate" - personal quality, my Personal statement [14]

It's a solid essay, but it starts to fall apart around here:
"What I love most about the idea of debate isn't what it is but rather what it is not. It's not some venue where two or more people simply scream at one another but an arena where opponents question one another thinking. For that reason Debate is something that has followed me ever since and in part inspired my pursuit of a career in law.

What makes me feel most proud about debate is that I found something that I honestly love to do and something that I can pursue for the rest of my life, but another thing I love about Debate isn't actually winning, its knowing that you have affected the way a person things about something, if not my opponent then someone in the audience or anyone who hears me speak. Debate has given me a way to express who I am."

Your conclusion needs a rewrite, it doesn't flow very well and your ideas aren't very well connected. I feel you could build up nicer to this, give a bigger, more cohesive picture of what debate means to you. It isn't bad, it's just formulaic up until the very last sentence and is a bit awkward and stuttering to read. It feels like you're trying to cram too many idea's into too small of a space.

As for the sentence prior to the conclusion that I quoted? "It's not some venue where two or more people simply scream at one another but an arena where opponents question one anothers thinking. For that reason Debate is something that has followed me ever since and in part inspired my pursuit of a career in law." Once again I find it formulaic, saying, "for that reason" really brings this whole sentence down. Additionally, you need to expand on the fact that debate is more then two people screaming at each other. Right now its an unsupported claim, and as a debater I don't need to tell you to fix that. I would simply include a definition of what you consider debate or even offer an additional sentence of explanation into this insight and it would be good.

Anyway, overall pretty good essay, good luck!
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "The last incentive I needed"- Stanford Supplemental Essay [14]

This is a good short answer. It covers all your bases and it covers them well. My only problem is with this, "I am talking of course about the Leland Stanford Junior... University Marching Band." I don't like it, not even a little bit and I would cut the ellipses out. After that, its a wonderful essay.

Best of luck good sir.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / 'After anorexia, self-harm, and through continual intensive treatment' UC Prompt2 [5]

You are what I call a "thesaurus-writer," you're overly prone to wordiness and lofty language. I would rewrite this and try to make it in the same voice you would talk to someone. Its okay to occasionally spruce up your vocabulary with a wonderful word that just fits, but the purpose of writing is never to showcase your intellectual capacity, it is too be clear.

And that would especially behoove you in an essay like this. You have a topic which is deeply personal, powerful, and moving, don't lose that in a mess of overly complicated language. I would rewrite this and make it simple and genuine.

I think the rest will follow from there.

P.S. I did like your conclusion, its the strongest part of the whole essay, so keep that.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interest in Agriculture and Life Sciences" - Cornell CAL supplement essay [4]

Well, as far as "fixing" this essay goes I would say that scrapping the second isn't really an option. Its not written as well as your first point, but I feel its something you want to get across to colleges more since it has more of an air of... nobility about it. Likewise, I love your first couple paragraphs and I wouldn't scrap them, even though they don't serve your essay as well. So, ideally you should keep both ideas, and I think you could do this by trimming them both down, writing a good conclusion, and transitioning into them more fluidly in your essay. (Right now the jump feels like you combined two similar, but different short answers)

Here's what I would cut:
"As I traveled to more places and my collection grew, I wanted to know why these rocks have different properties. I also started to wonder about other things I saw. In Switzerland I had so much fun hiking in the Alps that I wondered why there aren't any where I live. And why are the Finger Lakes so long and skinny? I didn't find out the answers until I took Earth Science in ninth grade, where I learned about rock identification, glaciers, earthquakes, and weather. But what I learned only scratched the surface-I still want to know more."

This is a nice paragraph in an essay without a length limit, but its too much here. You don't need to spend this much time explaining your growing curiosity since you've already done such a wonderful job of it with your two preceding (and very charming) examples. I'm leaving what to cut here to personal discretion, as it'll be a lot better for you to rewrite this paragraph then me, but this could definitely be reduced to a sentence or two.

Now as far as additional cutting, as that won't get you anywhere near as short as you want to go, I would cut some supplementary details. They're very nice details, and strong imagery, but unnecessary to the point you're making. Sentences like, "We peer into pools of flowering anemones and listen to the sound of barnacles, which click inside their shells as if they're knitting to pass the time until the tide returns," are vaguely poetic, but do nothing for the point of your essay.

Finally, lets talk about your conclusion. After reading your work on here (which, granted, is a limited pool) I have to say conclusions are your weakness. You know how to write, better then I do in fact, but you don't seem to really build you argument or points in your essays, (a la Grandmother Willow). In this essay you have all the building blocks and evidence for a strong conclusion, but you need to do it justice. The passion and voice you have in the rest of the essay just sort of fades, build this bad boy up, be a little dramatic, say what you mean, leave them with something they'll remember.

All in all its a good essay though, and if you go slightly over the word limit I wouldn't worry, I'm sure they'll give you a little lee-way.

Post the rewrite on here (if you do one) and I'll read it again, and hopefully offer more precise feedback.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Grandma Willow - Williams College Window Supplement [5]

Excellent essay. My one complaint, and I literally only have one complaint, would be your conclusion. It ties it up nicely I suppose, and answers the prompt, but after such a good, descriptive essay it feels pretty formulaic. Your entire answer to the prompt is in this sentence.

"The Earth is not here to be utterly consumed by us. As I obtain a higher education, I want to learn what I can do to sustain our planet, so that it may continue to provide for us."

Its not bad by any means, but this would be improved by either a more resounding and heartfelt finish, or by spreading your "thesis" throughout the paper. Because as it stands now its tons of details, and then you finish with what you think.

Anyway, I'm no expert, but that's my two cents. Best of luck!
Benn_Myers   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Why are you intrested in English? - Rice Supplement Essay [4]

Thank you very much for your feedback, its extremely helpful and I've used just about all of it.
I've realized in the course of the application process that its sort of... dangerous to write about wanting to be a writer, because then every error you make becomes compounded in its significance and gravity, so I really appreciate the help.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Gift of Perception" Rice University Entrance Essay [8]

I wrote the following essay in response to the Rice University Prompt:
A. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

Thoughts? Feedback? It's all appreciated!

I was young when my father first told me that he though I had been blessed with the gift of perception.
It was written in a letter I had received at the end of my eight-grade graduation, he said that he was constantly amazed by the insight I showed towards issues and problems. It was mentioned; I thanked him, and nothing more was said of it until my grandfather started to die.

He was... off-base when he died. He was extremely resistant to new ideas and constantly attacked their harbingers; he grouped everything simply and easily into good and bad. My father couldn't stand it, and so, one day when we were driving, he explained perception to me.

He told me that when a person is young, a child, things appear as black and white, good and evil. As they grow older these shades slip and blend together, creating a tapestry of gray, he told me that at the height of a persons perceptive powers, they realize that just about everything in this world is a shade of gray. After that, they get old, they get scared, they retreat and revert, everything once again establishes itself as clear black and white and the cycle is complete. He told me that me that my greatest asset was I had been blessed with the keen ability to see things as they were, to always recognize that things were more complicated then they seemed and to understand their true ramifications.

Now this isn't to say that all morality is relative. There are certainly good and evil in this world, lighter and darker shades of gray, but few things are unabashedly evil or to be completely rejected. Every action, regardless of its character, has intentions running beneath it, and every intention colors, tints, and changes the action. Apart from pure malice and true altruism (two exceedingly rare motivations) this leads to a constant twisting and changing of what is right and wrong.

And that is where morality and perception comes in. Goodness doesn't necessarily come from grouping actions or people or ideas into good or evil, it comes from understanding and acting. Only through a thorough understanding of what we hate or fear, what drives it and propagates it, can we conquer it. Only through this perception can I draw my principles and ideas, only through understanding other peoples motivations and actions can I create a moral code which is simultaneously rigorous while still existing within the realm of human reason.

I grew up in a home without faith, I grew up in a home which didn't subscribe to any real political ideology, in short, I grew up in a home without any base code or idea to drive my actions. I received the lessons that compassion was good and cruelty was bad, I received the basics of kindness and goodness but it was ultimately up to me, and me alone, how I would live my life, how I would choose to conduct myself and what idea or code I would subscribe too.

And this is the greatest gift my father has given me.
I am my own person, I know myself, I know what I think is right or wrong, I know what drives people, and, perhaps most importantly, I know what drives myself. I can accept myself and others for all their good and evil, I can work to change the world while acknowledging, understanding, and even embracing its dark side.

Integrity born of perspective, perspective born of understanding, understanding born of empathy. This is who I am, this is what I do, and this is what I can bring to Rice.
Benn_Myers   
Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Why are you intrested in English? - Rice Supplement Essay [4]

The following is my answer to the Rice Supplement Prompt:
With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.

I'm interested in studying English, and here's my essay. I'm not really sure what they look for in a short answer, so any feedback is appreciated.

It started in second grade, and, like most good things, it came to me in the form of a hippo-head handout.
Underneath the bright paper eyes of my yellow hippo there were pages and pages filled with clumsy handwriting. It was a journal of sorts, our teacher had handed them out and instructed us to write in them everyday. Not about anything in particular, just to write. My work was clumsy, I didn't really understand the concept of a sentence (I thought you put one every ten words) and my commas were arbitrarily thrown into the mix, more errant pencil marks then true pacing or punctuation.

Despite this myriad of errors when I first received my hippo back I received the comment, "Benn, you have a very strong voice! You have real talent, you should come talk to me sometime!" This comment struck something in me, a loose spark caught fire, and I suddenly wanted to be a writer.

Since then I've grown to love writing, I've improved vastly, I now understand sentences and on occasion commas, I can use semi-colons fluently and am even capable of making conscious stylistic decisions in my fictional work. This is farther then I ever though I would be, and so short of where I want to go. Every time I write I reach the top of a hill, survey the area around me, and realize I still have mountains to climb.

And I love it.
Its something to work on, its a constant pursuit which characterizes and defines me. Despite moments of mad frustration, despite mountains of torn up pages, and the despair which accompanies a thousand deleted pages I won't stop writing. Because every precisely placed word, every flowing and powerful sentence, and every cohesive paragraph fills me with pride and joy. I want to master English because I'm a writer, its who I am, and even if I never publish anything that is never going to change.

Writing
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