Undergraduate / "my favorite books" - UC 2 - experience, talent, quality [2]

Great job Jo-Ann!

The first paragraph seems to me that you are going to talk about your passion and respect for book. However, I realized, when I started to read the next paragraph, that you did not empahsize on books, but your sister's influence on you. So I would suggest you to adjust the order you narrate the story. You may want to put "My sister's influence on me so strong that I neglected to acknowledge the fact that my sister and I were different and could act accordingly, much less consider the possibility that I too could influence others." in front of the story, as a topic sentence. It could be revised shorter if you like. For example, you can only say " My sister has a strong influence on me", and make the rest part as another conclusion sentence after you finish your book story.

The second paragraph, um, I am not so sure whether the 'thus' is clear enough, because you did not mention that you want to get rid of your sister's influence before. Maybe just begin with 'in order to...' would be better. The 'avoid children' part, you want a metaphor? I think it would be better if you don't stress on it too much because the point is, after all, how you feel, not your sister. So, to make it simple, just say 'who always avoids children'. A metaphor can sometimes draw too much attention.

Still, second paragraph, the sudden emergence of all those names is a little bit weird. But if you can give a short comment on how much you like it after the 'I interacted directly with the kids Monday through Friday', maybe it will work better.

For the first sentence of the third paragraph... well, honestly I did not get it :'(, so, explanation is needed.

I love the following story! It is really a good outcome to see Harshey speak!

The sentence you are not sure about, can be devided into a couple of short sentence, as I see it as the core of the whole passage. You may not want it to end too soon. Also, to make it more balanced, you should mention your sister and your initial motivation to attend this program ( get rid of the influence of your sister and influence others?) then say you gain so much more ( kinda boring huh), or you realize that you have to influence other positively.

Hope this might help. I'm also a volunteer at an orphan's home... so it's kinda sympathy to me. lol

Undergraduate / "What it means to be a volunteer" - UC Prompt [5]

and needless to say, I became one of them
It is a little bit unclear to me who the 'them' represents, because there are couple of group and people appear ahead.
I did simply that
This sentence sounds weird to me... do you me what you do is no more than simply erasing the stains on the lens, magnifing the view, and widening the scope. Or you accomplished to do so easily?

This is a very nice essay! You really elaborate it nice and clear!

Undergraduate / "no greater joy than soccer" - MIT pleasure essay [4]

Seems like the last sentence is not so related to the last but two, when you switch to football club from football games. Maybe you should add a transition. I love your second sentence, so well written one! BTW, Chelsea is good thoguh recenyly they lost a little :)

Undergraduate / "A Place for All" - OSU prompt [4]

Ever since I began attending Camp Fitch, a summer camp in Pennsylvania at the age of 11, I have loved the feeling of leaving home for a month every year? and being independent, or as independent as any kid can be. For the past three years I have devoted my whole summer to being a counselor at Camp Fitch. This gave me a newly found appreciation for being independent. It does not mean that my life has no limits and I can do whatever I want. It means that I get to decide what is best for me. As a junior in high school I thought long and hard about what school my parents and grandparents would want me to attend, and which one would impress my friends. However, after this past summer away from many of these influences I realized that I want to go where I am comfortable with and where I see myself spending the next several years of my school career. That is why I am choosing Ohio State University.

For my entire life I have lived in the suburbs of Cleveland. I have grown up in a very conservative city. Being one of several Jewish students to attend Mentor High, a school of over 3000 students, I have never been very comfortable with the major difference in my lifestyle. However, after talking with many of friends of mine who now attend are currently attending OSU, one of the most significant things I got from the conversations was how diverse it is. Not just in religious views but in career paths and social endeavors. This is exactly the environment I am looking for. Everybody looks for a place where they can fit in and I believe OSU can give me that safe haven. The ability to make someone feel connected to a place that houses 50,000 students is not an easy feat. If OSU can give me that then I believe there is nothing that can hold me back from achieving anything that I try.

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It is very well-written! But I don't see clearly the links between your independence and the reason you choose the school. Maybe you should emphasize more on finally you got to make the decision on your own because of your independence.

Undergraduate / "flash floods in Jeddah, Saudi Arabi" - UT, issue of importance [3]

Good idea about the passage! I can tell you are a very deep thinker and you feel you are responsible to your homeland from this essay. Moreover, I really appreciate your way of choosing vocabulary. But there are something I think you need to improve.

First, as far as I'm concerned, this essay should be focus on the influence that this incident has brought to you, not to only describe it but to emphasize on how you are involved in it. So instead of describing the devastation for a whole paragraph, I would recommend you to develop more details about the significance the issue is to you , which I think may be a little bit too short here.

Second, I guess you would need to improve the logic part. If I were you, I would re-construct this essay in such an order. Introducing the issue and damage (quick and brief) -> decribing what you did (volunteer to help) -> explaining what you think is the most important reason that caused much casualty and damage ( I think you ascribe it more on the derelict government, do you?) -> elaborating how this issue and your volunteer work influenced you, and what resolution you have set up due to this issue ( for example, I would say that this issue makes me realize that there are so much more to do that only living a cozy life myself. The country needs my contribution to improve the quality of life of more people. In order to achieve that, I decide to study abroad for higher quality of education, etc. ) -> Finally, your conclusion should be more than only demonstrating how terrible the flood is, add the influence on you, again.

Third, there are some trifle grammar mistakes, but I think you may prefer to focus on structure and information part before you look into grammar.

Hope this can help you a bit. :)