Posts by jasonwiesenthal

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Lehigh and the why question. [2]

Three months ago, Lehigh was not even in my school's dictionary, now it has ~~official~~ become the love of my life (or at least for the next four years to come). If one ever knows of love-at-first-sight, this is mine. As a little girl, I have dreamed of becoming my mom, a successful businesswoman in formal suite, so confident and professional in everything she does. This is a common trait: a daughter wants to turn into her mom, an older version of herself. But to me it is more than just achievements: my mom besides hours and hours of committing to work, she ~~meanwhile~~ has a colorful life outside the office. In the attempt of pursuing the ideal figure of myself, I need tools, and I believe Lehigh ~~is my perfect match~~has them . Lehigh ~~first~~ came to my list as a promising school that has ~~tremendous~~a prestigious reputation infor its business programs. "Lehigh means Business", it indeed doesn't lie with several high rankings in Business Week, US News as the nation's elite in Undergraduate Business Programs. (personally, I would not use good magazine rankings as a reason for going to a college) As a fanatic of elaborate and well-rounded ~~academic~~academia , I doubt if Lehigh would ever let me down with its academic rigor, ~~meaningful~~ internships and novel approach( What does "novel approach" mean) to learning. It equips ~~the~~ students with strong basics before ~~letting~~placing them into more-focused programs and real world issues. Besides the fame in teaching, Lehigh gives students a brighter way when they eventually enter the real world with ~~marvelous~~ job placement and high starting salaries(avoid putting in to many adjective and putting things like i want to school to get a lot of money) ; many ~~recruits~~recruiting opportunities are provided inthrough the university ~~from~~in big Cc orporations and Cc ompanies. "Location, Location, Location", what would be the better place to start your business plans than ~~right here~~ in Bethlehem - the heart of the East Coast, where ~~the~~ international business centers such as New York and Philadelphia lie nearby(this sentence is congested, clarify this sentence). Furthermore, within ~~its~~ a five hours drive, Lehigh's~~neighbors are plenty of fascinating cities such as~~ is located close to Boston, Washington D.C, New York City, Pittsburgh...I have the whole Northern East coast to discover~~, which also~~ and ~~meansample~~ future opportunities.

Lehigh is more than just academic; it is about giving students a great university experience ~~of life~~ that will be hard to forget. As I research more in depth, I fell deeply in love with ~~its~~the beautiful campus, the ancient style combined with modern facilities ~~that~~ assure students' pursue of the best education while enjoying the aesthetics around the school. Being the one who is very fond of nature's beauty as well as the artistic atmosphere, I find Lehigh an ideal match. I kept digging deeper into the school's profile and what it has to offer, and I was fascinated by the "First-year Experience" on the campus. The fact that this is the first time I will be away from home for such long time indeed adds much anxiety to me. But as soon as I enter the school, I am confident that I'll soon be a part of the University's Office of the First-Year Experience (OFYE), the organization will aid me to thrive into the new university environment with great variety of programs, activities and events. Lehigh's social life's on and off campus spread everything from hip-hop to hangouts, so there will be no time when students find nothing to do. I came across Evans Kosgei' '11's review of the school, he came from Kenya and majored in Integrated Business and Engineering, he stated: "At Lehigh, everybody is so helpful that you just can't feel out of place. I believe I was meant to be here and it's really feeling like home." I want a second home just like his, and luckily, I found Lehigh. As all the other students in this University, I will let myself blend in a friendly, life-changing community. I will become part of Lehigh and feel welcomed just like my own family. (The stuff about the campus's beauty can be taken out if you want)

Having been born in a developing Asian country, I grew up with the chance of witnessing many economical situations in a ~~totally~~ different environments from ~~those~~ in Europe and America. I saw broken economical systems through the eyes of a little girl trying to understand the world around her. I knew some are not the right way that business works, and as education enlightened me through out my years in school, I figured out I could make a difference. (Not concise, make it more understandable to the reader) I could ~~bring my~~ solve the nation's problems ~~to introduce it to the diversity of a~~ by using my better-rounded ~~economical~~ education, with the faith to enhance the school's business issues, at the same time come up with plausible solutions. With rich knowledge about Vietnam's cultures and traditions, ~~the~~ my culture can enrich the school student body ~~I could bring to the school is something I'm proud to offer~~ . Lehigh has so many things to offer me, an individual who is eager to learn and contribute what she has to the bigger community, I believe my second home won't be let down.

Overall, the essay answers the prompt but your writing needs to be more understandable and is acceptable. Try to cut down on using excessive adjectives in your sentences and make your sentences more concise and easier to understand.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / "The anxiety and excitement" - What else can I add [6]

This essay has a great start but you can do better. First, I would write down major events or highlights of your track career and demonstrate how it affected you as a person. Try to write with more passion.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 2: Feeding the Homeless [4]

I agree with the people above me. You should just let your mind free and write anything that you can think of about this event and how it effected you as a person. After writing this essay, clean up the mess by cutting sentences that do not make sense or that don't pertain to the prompt and fix grammar. This is the way I create essays that are fun to read, full of passion, and creative. Your essay is not bad you just need to let your brain to its thing.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

yeah, they do especially if you are trying to get into California universities because they are overcrowded and competitive to get into. You should probably take the SATs again. It is the only way that colleges can compare students that come from different schools and countries in order to make decision. There are always easier and harder schools and SATs try to compare people over topics that people should know before going to college.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

yes, but i have used this site along with an English teacher at my high school and have gotten accepted to every single college I had applied to. But many other things are taken account including your cumulative high school GPA, criminal record, SAT and ACT scores, your essays, and teacher recommendation letters.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Brown Short Response (Why Brown) [6]

I don't know but placing politics in an essay may not go well with college admissions officers. Well at least that is what my guidance counselor at my high school had told me during my Junior and Senior year in high school that it might turn college admissions officer off. As I am in my Freshman year of college, I have gotten accepted to several major colleges and did not have to use any political messages into my essay.

jasonwiesenthal

Nov 22, 2009

Essays / Management essay on sporting organisations [4]

Describe the jobs that important members of management must do and describe how netball is the same as other sports or different.

jasonwiesenthal

Oct 29, 2008

Undergraduate / mistakes in foreign policy and planning - admission essay [NEW]

Discuss a cultural, social, political, or intellectual topic that you have explored beyond school and explain how it has shaped who you are today.

After testing and retesting my views on these topics, I came with a multitude of answers and found multiple mistakes in foreign policy and planning. I prize my fortitude in patience and planning and could not believe the United States government could act so impulsively and blindly. Little or no planning had been done into the locations of these various terrorists groups and the reports of weapons of mass destruction were unsupportable and unreliable which I felt was surprising. Before 8th grade, I felt the government is right and made the best decisions for the country. However after learning about political parties and self interest, I realized that there was much more to this plan of action than just taking out terrorist groups. America was confronted with an unexpected strategy by Muslim extremists incorporating extreme religious views to strengthen their ranks and create a reason to attack people relentlessly. However, American leaders were unprepared for guerrilla attacks, hostage killings and beheadings, remote detonated bombs and suicide bombings. The conventional battle techniques up to the Vietnam War proved ineffective in fighting insurgencies in the Middle East and the military was forced to change their tactics, after heavy casualties were inflicted on American troops. A question was repeatedly asked in my mind. How can the professional and highly trained American military be unable to capture a nation of farmers? At the outbreak of war, the war was projected to last a couple months or a year at the most. Shortly after the Taliban was "brought to its knees", the American government rashly declared war on Iraq to take down the Saddam Hussein's regime. As we all know, again the weapons of mass destruction were used to fool the American public into supporting such a lackluster campaign.

Billions and billions of dollars have been spent by the American government to bolster the forces in Iraq and Afghanistan and I realized how the government and me as a person could have done to prevent such outright sapping of the United States treasury. Needless to say, that gas prices inflated almost a dollar at the outbreak of hostilities and people were losing their jobs left and right. Companies gradually began to move their headquarters out of the US permitting these companies to fire the American workers that originally worked in these factories. A more important question resonates in my mind. How long we can sustain such an expensive war effort with a depleting treasury and at the same time implement the promised tax breaks to average Americans? Needless to say, it only took a couple years before the government started to slip into financial obscurity. The Wall Street stocks fluctuated wildly during those 8 years of war causing many large companies to file bankruptcy and lay off employees. In addition, Congress passed bills to provide additional billions of dollars to help save these important businesses and stimulate the economy. Does my working class family really get some kind of advantage from these hefty donations? A most firm, no. Almost none of this money will reach the working and the poor. Besides raising oil prices and angering foreign nations what has really been done during these years?

The positive effects of military action in Iraq and Afghanistan included better security for the United States, a more politically conscientious society, and the longing for those years of peace that I take for granted. As a result, sacrificing some of my rights to make my country safer is ok with me as long as the government does not abuse. Numerous suicide attacks were foiled, terrorist group sympathasizers and supporters were prosecuted, and my overall feeling of safety felt higher than it's ever been. The most significant result of the Iraq invasion was the Iraqi people's freedom from Saddam Hussein . these people were ruled by a brutal leader who felt no pain in gassing his own people and squandering his people to benefit himself. During Saddam Hussein's reign, the loyalists to Saddam received the highest quality of life leaving most of the common people starving, poor, and technologically handicapped and outdated. These major events made me proud and privileged to live in a free country and taught me to value the peace that was before.

The invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan was the single most influential event that contributed to the eventual failure of Bush's economic policy and a crashing Stock Market.

I have not started to add the second part of the prompt discussing how it shaped me today. Grammar and other criticisms are welcome. Thank you in advance. don't be shy to add comments to make it more concise and to enhance the overall reading flow. thank you again.

jasonwiesenthal

Aug 1, 2008

Undergraduate / 'helping Grandpa Bernie' - event, experience, accomplishment in life - UF [2]

Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

A meaningful event that will affect my contribution to the UF campus community was the death of my grandpa, Bernie. Throughout my life, he had been a teacher to me and always encouraged me to do the best in school. He helped baby sit me during my times as a toddler and served as a role model in my early childhood. During the times he would visit me in South Florida, I would ask him about his life in the army at the time of WWII and after. He would spend almost an entire afternoon telling me about different sorties and major battles that he experienced as a Seabee and engineer. In addition to his duties in the army, he began a major leader in a construction company in Cleveland, Ohio and helped build many of the corporate buildings there.

During my middle school and my first year of high school, he helped me keep track on my schoolwork during a hard divorce with a lot of fighting within the family. However, Grandpa Bernie supported me and encouraged me to improve my attitude toward life and to live life as a hard worker. Even though he was retired he would go through his most trying and painful years of his life as he was diagnosed with Kidney cancer had to be treated with chemotherapy and surgery. However, even these attempts to cure him of his cancer failed as it returned after the medication wore off. This turned into the most trying years of both his and my life.

Each Friday at Temple services I would pray that G-d would answer my prayers and help Grandpa Bernie win against the cancer that sucked all the life out of him. I was almost reduced to tears when I saw him reliant upon a respirator with a hard time breathing. On my last visit to him, I went to my grandparent's apartment in Cleveland as the snow was falling and felt determined to help my grandpa overcome his sickness. I even sent him a touching poem that he admired and kept it pinned to the wall as something to keep him fighting for the small chance he had. He had just had chemotherapy done and the little hair that he had simply fell out. His health changed from being a healthy active person to being one who was sick and reduced to almost the same room in his apartment. Even walking between rooms presented difficulties and during the last months of his life almost was confined to one room. He had trouble feeding himself and had to have a feeding tube to get his daily nutrition. His body due to the quick progression of the disease was quickly reduced to skin and bones. He had a permanent paleness to his face and seemed almost like a ghost. I could not help but think how such a friendly person can be taken so fast from me.

I would bring my hard work and diligence to the University of Florida and seek to strive for my full potential. This tragic death broke the protective shell of childhood and threw me into the real world. After his death, I force myself to do the best that I can in all aspects of life. In swimming, I pushed myself harder by coming to every practice with the mindset of being the best swimmer I could be. I no longer wanted to hesitate myself and prevent myself from achieving greatness that had seemed far off before. Instead, I toppled the wall of uncertainty and inaction and instead strived for greatness and let myself free. I noticed how fragile life and can be and the sheer quickness fortune can change. During this time, I forced myself to try my hardest in school and to strive for my best potential. He served as beacon to me and helped me push through hard times both academically and socially and focus on a bright future. Most importantly, his kindness to other people and his wisdom served to inspire me to volunteer at places outside of school. As a result, I volunteered at a hospital for the three months of summer and sought to help others in the same circumstances as my grandfather. I spend over 250 service hours helping to cheer up sick people and making their lives more convenient and happier.. I would use my past experiences with the loss of a close family member to help others in similar situations. I would help them learn from their experiences and grow stronger as a person. Over the subsequent years of reflection, I have changed into a mature person and enjoy helping others that are experiencing pain in their life.

Could you just tell me whether i am on the right track and how i can elaborate.
don't go over the grammar yet!!!. i have not checked it yet. this is just an essay off the top of my head. Can you tell me whether this essay could be a good answer to the question asked?. Thank You so much. Today i seemed to have been touched by the writing angel or something. I have been getting a lot of ideas. Thank you a lot anyways.

jasonwiesenthal

Aug 1, 2008

Undergraduate / Coach David glanced at me; Person who had a significant influence on me [3]

At the beginning of the next season, I wondered why Coach David was not teaching our group and was told he left for personal reasons. He kept our team together through the whole season and built a swimming powerhouse. His enthusiasm for swimming continued to affect our team that set loftier goals after a small taste of success. His "due all that you can" attitude pushed me and my team mates to work hard and reach for more ambitious goals. Thanks to Coach David's legacy, our team finished at the top of the Gold Coast team standings and stayed there for four years. Coach David's absence deeply saddened me because I did not realize how much he helped me until he was gone. He was an inspiring leader and a hardworking swim coach that put his swimmers first.

hello again,
is this conclusion a little better or should i include more?
Its suffering grammar wise but was making sure it was on the right track.

jasonwiesenthal

Aug 1, 2008

Undergraduate / Coach David glanced at me; Person who had a significant influence on me [3]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

During the first week of summer, I walked slowly up to my new swim team coach. His thin frame paced back and forth on the pool deck giving words of encouragement to his swimmers. Many of the swimmers were gasping for air and had red faces heated from exhaustion. I was new to the team and was intimidated by such a show of pain and effort. A swimmer next to me reached for his water bottle and got the coach's attention. Coach David glanced at me and told me to get in the water for a small warm up. He gave me a test set to evaluate my swimming skills. I hastily introduced myself to some of my lane mates and slipped into the pristine, blue water.

After that practice, I felt more tired and sore than ever before because Coach David constructed hard sets to prepare the mind for races and physical pain. I adapted myself to the grueling work and viewed every set as a challenge. In no time, I was making intervals that had seemed impossible a month ago. Coach David worked us until our bodies began to tighten up but his constant encouragement allowed us to pull ourselves together and swim harder. He would give extra sets to those swimmers who tested his patience by swimming slow and rewarded those who put their best effort forward. After each practice, he would remind us that racing team mates collectively improves the performance of the team. Toward the end of the season, I was in the best shape of my life and waited anxiously for a chance to see the results of my hard work. The Junior Olympics was the last and most important competition of the season and I anticipated solid races.

The starter announces that my heat can now enter the water. I slid carefully into the water and tried to curb my excitement. I gripped tightly to the bars under the swimming block and waited for the beep. Take your mark, beep, and the swimmers are off! The swimmers looked like a floating bridge spanning the pool with foamy water jetting from their feet. I kicked and pulled fast to pass the swimmer next to me and slowly slipped ahead of the bunch. After the first fifty yards, my legs began to swell with pain as the lactic acid built up. I could see Coach David move his arms over his head and encourage me from the deck and pushed harder than ever before. Despite the horrible pain, I pushed myself harder than ever before and encouraged myself to keep a constant speed. Slowly, some of the swimmers in the outer lanes began to tire and dropped behind but I stayed in the same position. After passing the flags signaling the finish was near, I sprinted the last few yards to beat some of my competitors. I snatched third place in that race and was pleased by how well I did. I walked up to Coach David and he gave me a pat on the back and complemented me on my race. I also earned a spot on the Florida Gold Coast All-Star team by earning top three in most of my swims. I was privileged enough to accompany Coach David at the All Star meet to race against the best swimmers in the state. He recognized my potential and gave me the best advice. He said that "trying harder in practice is better than striving for unreachable goals". This quote means that more effort should be put into preparation rather than striving to be a perfectionist.

At the beginning of the next season, I wondered why Coach David was not teaching our group and was told he left for personal reasons. He kept our team together through the whole season and built a swimming powerhouse. The last couple of years after he left we had been finishing towards the top Gold Coast team standings and were the big kids on the block. Coach David's absence deeply saddened me because I did not realize how much he helped me until he was gone. He was an inspiring leader and a hardworking swim coach that put his swimmers first.

TY for reading over my essay and correcting it in advance. I had my mom read it over a couple of times and she said it was alright other than the Conclusion. I was wondering what your thoughts were about to improve the conclusion and any grammar issues and extraneous details. Thank you again.

jasonwiesenthal

Aug 1, 2008

Undergraduate / 'Hope for jobs, mentoring and learning opportunities' - Why did I choose to aply to UCF? [NEW]

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

I choose to apply to University of Central Florida because of its aerospace engineering program and proximity to Orlando. From the age of nine, I wanted to become an aerospace engineer after watching the military jets at the air show. The aerospace engineering department at UCF owns many wind tunnels and numerous laboratories that help students learn to use the equipment. The sports program also attracted me to apply to UCF because of its exciting Division I athletics. I am a major sports fan and need a college with strong sports teams to cheer for. I live in South Florida and plan to stay in the state for my college education.

The University plans to expand their campus and improve its quality of education with an affordable tuition. I wanted to apply for the Burnett's Honors College because it offers honors college courses with fewer than twenty five students per class. The university offers various programs that allow undergraduate students to conduct research on their areas of interest with their professor guiding them. The student council supports a motley group of clubs and the creation of new clubs to get UCF students involved.

The engineering college at UCF offers a combined mechanical and aerospace bachelorette program allowing students to complete dual degrees in about five years. The advantages of having two bachelors' degrees are higher starting salaries and being more employable. In that aspect, almost all of the engineering students from UCF have jobs immediately after graduation. The university offers master degrees in aerospace engineering and encourages students to pursue higher education.

The top quality sports program that UCF possesses also entices me to apply for admission. The numerous intramural sports clubs offered will allow me to participate in many sports without the constant stress of having to win every game. I have competed on the Plantation Swim Team for over thirteen years in South Florida and earned a host of medals and ribbons from the Gold Coast meets. In addition, I broke numerous team records and many still stand today. The team competes in USA Swimming meets throughout Florida and locally. I joined the varsity swim team at my high school and was in a relay that qualified for the State Championship meet in Sebastian, Florida. I have become more of a sports enthusiast as I got older. I enjoy watching games of all kinds from rugby to football. I would definitely attend all of the home football and basketball games and cheer for the Knights!

The University of Central Florida offers many complimentary amenities to keep their students physically fit. The facilities include a large state of the art recreational complex that contains exercise machines and a weight room. The University also has an indoor track that can be used to escape from the hot weather outside. The University of Central Florida runs a free shuttle system in order to provide convenient transportation around the campus.

I like the university's location which is close to both my family and potential job opportunities. It is located about three hours from my house in South Florida, a more convenient trip for family members to visit. The university is also located close to theme parks in Orlando that would be ideal for entertainment and fun during free time.

Major companies offer cooperative education and internships to UCF's engineering students because of its proximity to offices in Orlando. Boeing, Lockheed Martin, and Aerotek CE have headquarters close to the university making internship opportunities for summer employment and future job opportunities. The large alumnae community works together with the students at the university to offer jobs, mentoring and learning opportunities. In addition, UCF has the tools needed to give students the edge in the engineering industry.

Thank you for looking over my essay. Just making sure the grammar is okay and it is on topic.