Writing Feedback / TOEFL - should boys and girls learn in separate classrooms? [8]

Hello all, I have written a new essay again. Please do comment, thank you!
And do you know what is the best word count for a TOEFL essay? There are so many comments on the Internet that I don't really know who to trust...:S

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Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Boys and girls should be educated in separate classrooms using different teaching techniques.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer
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As our world becomes more sophisticated, education is generally available to both genders all around the world; you may attend single-sex or co-educational colleges. While some believe that students should be educated with different instructing methods according to their gender, I disagree with this point of view with the following reasons.

Firstly, boys and girls have a different set of thinking methods, so by staying in the same class, they can learn from each other's thinking skills and thus improve their own critical thinking methods.

The different set of thinking methods is generally believed to originate from the different toys boys and girls play with at an early age. Boys as infants usually play with logos, robots, or things that have to do with logic, while young girls usually play with toys like barbie dolls, which are things that are more related to arts and emotions. Naturally this is one of the reasons why boys and girls think in different directions when they grow up. If they are allowed to learn in the same class, because they have different thinking strategies, when they come together and share their ideas, their academic results are generally better. For example, in the place I live in, co-educational schools usually yield a higher overall grade than single-sex schools. There are also more students in a co-educational school who gets more 'A's.

Moreover, boys and girls need to be taught in the same classroom for practical reasons. When students finish their studies, eventually they need to join the workforce. In a working place, no matter an office, a social service centre or a business firm, one often works with the opposite gender. If one is not used to discussing ideas with the other gender at an early age, I am afraid that it is even harder for the person to adapt to different thinking modes as he or she joins the working community. Therefore it is necessary for boys and girls to learn in the same classroom.

I also object to the point that boys and girls should be educated using different teaching techniques. While it is generally viewed that boys are more logic-oriented while girls are more emotionally attached, it does not necessarily mean that all boys are better in logical thinking. There are many girls who are good at mathematics or logically-related subjects, as exmplified by numerous famous female scientists like Madam Curie, while there are many men who are emotionally oriented, as examplified by many famous musicians like Chopin, a Poland composer. Therefore teaching techniques should not be differentiated through gender, but by something else, like intelligence, personalities, and academic results.

To conclude, boys and girls do not need to be educated in separate classrooms, because only when they stay in the classrooms will more ideas come out and will they be more adapted to the society they are joining in the future. Moreover, teaching techniques should not be classified by gender, by rather by other traits, bceause whether you are a boy or a girl does not really imply that you belong to a certain learning type. Thus the same teaching technique may not be applicable to all people with the same sex.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - I follow two steps; My approach to problem-solving? [5]

Hi everyone, I would like to practise writing with the given TOEFL topics.
Will appreciate if anyone could give me some comments, thanks!

Question:
What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? Use specific details to support your response.

-----my answer (word count: 391)-----

When I solve problems, I follow two steps - look into the cause and search for solutions.

Finding the cause is important in solving problems because without a cause, there would not have been a problem at all. Once I received a score in a physics test, and I didn't understand why I got a particular question wrong. The papers were not distributed back to us, so I couldn't find out why I was wrong. To find out the cause, I went to the physics teacher and asked about the question. It turned out that I was on the right track for solving that question, except I mistakenly circled a wrong answer. If I had not looked into the cause, which was the reason for picking the wrong answer, I would have never realized that I had only mistakenly chosen the wrong answer while bearing the right concept in mind.

After having identified the cause, I look for solutions to the problem, or else it will continue to annoy me. I always have a habit of making silly mistakes like the one I have mentioned above, and to thoroughly get rid of this bad habit, I decide to look for a solution. Now I read a question twice before answering it, and proofread my answers before handing in the papers. Although I still make silly mistakes at times, I feel that I have decreased the number of silly mistakes made.

Sometimes seeking advice is also an important step, because your own knowledge may not enable you to think of the best solution to the problem. One of my friends used to have a problem of constantly overlooking silly mistakes too, but she got rid of this problem within a year, while it took me almost three years to figure out what to do with this nasty habit. She adviced me to slow down and read the question word by word, and even use a highlight pen to underline keypoints. When I followed her advice, my number of silly mistakes went further down.

Therefore, by splitting the problem into pieces and analyzing it part by part can be an efficient way of solving a problem. In my opinion, if one can identify the cause of the issue correctly and then figure out a useful solution to it, problems are not problems anymore.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - Stay in one place or move around? [6]

Hi everyone, I would like to practise writing with the given TOEFL topics.
Will appreciate if anyone could give me some comments, thanks!

Question:
Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community,or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in search of another place? Use reasons and specific examples to support your opinion.

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I have spent 9 years in one place when I was small, then my family moved to the place where we are still living in. My parents decided to move because they wanted me to get into a good school when I finished my primary education, and I still consider this a wise choice.

Some people like to live in the same place for their whole lives. The advantage is that they can build relationships and make friends with their neighbours, and do not need to worry about settling down, because they have already settled down the minute they were born there; the house is like a root to these people, a true home for them.

However, as a part of this bustling world, it is impossible for one to stay in the same place for the entire life. When you are living in a busy place, you can never expect to settle down at all, because the place cannot allow you to stop. Instead, you need to look for opportunities and jobs all the time, and very often opportunities come all around the world. That means you need to move constantly so as to catch the opportunities.

For example, when I was small, I studied in a primary school which had nothing particularly outstanding. However, after my family moved to another town, I was admitted to an outstanding school, and that was an important key for me to get into a good high school. This high school provided me numerous opportunities to widen my horizon. My English improved dramatically, and I could meet a lot of important people of the region. All the experiences this high school provided enable me to become a more well-educated and civilized person. If I had not moved, I would not have got all these benefits from the high school. Therefore, because of the desires for opportunities, often one needs to move so as to catch them.

Moreover, being an adventurous person myself, I would love to know the world more. Therefore, by injecting myself into different forms of communities, I believe this will help me understand different cultures more thoroughly.

A few years ago, I visited Australia and I found that the students there had a completely different studying culture from where I come from. I learned about their learning schedules, about how they relaxed themselves, and how they treated studies. I stayed there for almost two months, and I enjoyed every second there. If I could have a choice, I would pack my belongings and moved to there right away, because the Australian lifestyle was fascinating to me. Therefore, driven by curiosity, moving around constantly in order to understand various cultures sounds a nice idea to me.

Different people naturally hold different opinions on this issue. However, for an adventurous person like me, I would rather like to move around to satisfy my curiosity and desires.

Writing Feedback / "Keep Yourself a Lifelong Promise - Say "No" to Drugs - an essay on drug abuse [3]

Hello everyone,
This is my second practice essay before the exam *nervous*
My writing exam requires me to write around 500 words.
I will be really grateful if anyone could give me some comments.
Thanks!!

---My Prompt---
Drug abuse is becoming an alarming issue in Hong Kong recently, and you would like to raise the concern of your fellow schoolmates with regard to this problem.

Write an article in your school newspaper to discuss about why the problem is serious, who should bear the responsibility, and ways to deal with the problem.

Give your essay a title.
---End of my prompt---

Keep Yourself a Lifelong Promise - Say "No" to Drugs

"Say No to Drugs" is now visible almost everywhere. No matter you are taking public transport, watching TV, or even simply dawdling on the street, the same message appears in front of you, so frequently as if you yourself are already a drug addict. Yet, you know this kind of immense promotion is essential, owing to a rapid increase in the number of youths abusing drugs in Hong Kong.

Drug abuse is not a new issue; it has been with not only us, but also all over the world for years, or even centuries, and the main reason of the persistent threat of this problem is simple: drugs can be addictive. Misuse of drugs is lethal - once you are addicted to drugs, you can suffer from hallucination, nausea, brain damage, and even death.

These youths of course should be blamed for such reckless behaviour, because teenage should be a time where they have already developed senses about what is right and wrong; given the frequent health education lessons at school, they should have understood that drug abuse is not a hobby to enjoy, but an addiction to shun. Yet, despite the efforts made by the schools, these youths are still foolish enough to join the parade of death. Therefore, it is logical for them to take responsibility for their lack of critical thinking.

However, no matter how messed up these youths are, parents should also be condemned. Although youths have already come to the world for some years, there are still many things which they have no idea how to deal with. For instance, they may start abusing drugs because of peer pressure. Therefore, parents have the responsibility to guide their children and help them walk through difficulties. Unfortunately, parents in Hong Kong often need to work long hours, and sometimes are not even allowed to take a rest at weekends, so they seldom have time to communicate with their children. Consequently, it is inevitable that some youths are coerced into drug abuse and cannot get rid of drugs ever since.

To tackle the problem, several measures have already been taken. For instance, all schools in Northern District join the Trial Scheme on School Drug Testing to find out students who are drug abusers. When these students are identified, they are referred to counseling service until they recover. So far, 15 such students have already been identified.

More schools should also be built to help young drug abusers get rid of drugs and learn skills which will be useful to them when they return to society. Right now there is only one school in Hong Kong which provides service, but obviously a single school is not enough, because many young drug abusers are now waiting in the long queue to get into this school, and it is estimated the number of waiters will increase consistently in the short run. Therefore, by building more schools, these youths can join the working force in a shorter time, thus having more time to make constructive contributions.

Education is also crucial to combating drug abuse. Schoolchildren should attend school talks, workshops and visits to drug abuse rehabilitation centres to have a more in-depth understanding about what harm drug abuse brings them. People who were once drug addicts can also act as guest speakers to share their stories and warn the others not to ever abuse drugs. Also, competitions and performances can be held to raise the public's awareness about this issue.

I hope that the measures mentioned above will raise more concerns about the problem, and hopefully no more youths become a slave of drugs, because drug abuse is definitely a trap that you should never step in. Therefore, do keep yourself a lifelong promise - say "No" to drugs!

Writing Feedback / An essay on 'tiger mom' - what should an ideal education be like? [5]

Hello everyone,
I am going to have a writing exam soon and I am trying to write a few essays before the exam.
I will be grateful if you could help to see if my essay looks good. Thank you!
(My exam requires an essay of around 500 words)

-----------my prompt ------------
Lately, a book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother has raised a heated debate across the world on parental education. The author of the book, who is a Chinese mother, coerces her children to join many ECAs and seldom gives them time to relax. She claims that her teaching method is the best for preparing her children for the future, and condemns Western parents for letting their children waste too much time on doing meaningless things, such as spending hours on computer games and using social network websites.

You came across this newspaper article and had opinions about this. Write a letter to the editor to explain why such phenomenon happens, and what you think an ideal education should be.

----------and here goes my essay----------

January 10, 2011
Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to the newspaper article "Tiger Mom's Parenting Method Revealed" printed on January 09, 2011 to express my opinions concerning this.

In recent years, a rapidly rising number of schoolchildren have a higher academic qualification and a higher capability in achieving excellent results in non-academic areas like sports and arts. When the world becomes more competitive for everyone, parents naturally are desperate to equip their children well before sending them to the battlefield of survival in society. However, what is the best way for equipping the children? In other words, what should an ideal education be like?

When we look at what typical Chinese parents usually do, it is not surprising that their children's leisure time is mostly used up for attending after-school tutorial classes, music classes, swimming competitions, and many more learning activities.

For instance, simply take a look around you when you travel to Hong Kong; advertisements claiming "Come and you will secure yourself an A" printed by the tutorial centres are visible everywhere. You may also have an interview with the secondary students there. I can assure you that almost everyone has attained a certain grade certificate in a music exam already. Even when you read the Time Magazine, you are informed that Chinese students obtain a much higher average mathematics score than students from other places do. Therefore, these Chinese parents seem to put much emphasis on creating an excellent academic record and a beautifully embellished Curriculum Vitae(CV) for their children, so that they can secure a place at a prestigious university, thus securing a good job offer and making good money.

Tiger Mom is an extreme case here, and I do not blame her for doing so. This is because when many other Chinese students are working like what is illustrated above, it is normal that Tiger Mom does not want her daughters to get eliminated by the more and more competitive world. However, is it really necessary to push the children to an edge that they are only allowed to do things other than learning, learning, and learning?

When I stayed in Australia couple of years ago, I was so desperate to stay there forever, because I did not see the pressure I am still facing now, especially fearing that I might not be able to get a place at university, which depends solely on a single public exam. But in Australia, I enjoyed parties, exciting school life, and most importantly, leisure time. Certainly students there need to study, but they always have time to make friends and build relationships with the others, because they do not flock to tutorial centres crazily and attend all sorts of classes like what we do in Hong Kong. But honestly, who can afford to stop learning in this bustling city? Who can afford to put down their exam burden for a short break, only to regret having done so because others have already taken more tutorial classes and surpass you? I believe that Tiger Mom is holding this same theory.

However, this does not mean that an ideal education is measured by academic results alone; it should also provide opportunities for schoolchildren to explore the world and be more like a human being.

For instance, schoolchildren should be given time to relax. This is a time where they can have a rest and make more friends, which is essential for human survival, as humans live as a flock, not alone.

They should also be given time to explore their own interests, like by letting them join whatever activities they want rather than forcing them to take certain music exams, because interest is always the biggest driving force for active and effective learning.

Last but not least, parents and society should change their views on academic results, thus encouraging children to understand their capabilities better. This is because not every child is talented in studying. If the child is admitted to school or offered a job simply because of the academic record, this is not fair to individuals who are talented in areas like sports and arts; Education is after all to help individuals find their own talents and make good use of them.

The kind of culture I have just described above can certainly not change in the short run, but I sincerely hope that one day, parents will change their views on what a real education should be like, and so is Tiger Mom.

Writing Feedback / An essay on world peace and international understanding [2]

Hi! I have written an essay on the topic
"State briefly why world peace is important, and suggest three ways in which young people can help to promote international understanding".
I will be grateful if you could give some comments on my essay, especially on structure and language use if possible.

I have highlighted some main points in my essay, because the word requirement for my english exam is 500 words minimum and this may be a little long for you to read word to word :)

Thanks in advance!

The Essay:
In the past decade, the world was in a state of unrest almost all the time, regardless natural or man-made disasters. In 2001, the 9-11 terrorist attack evoked long-term tension between the US and the Middle East; Recently, politiacal unrest in China raised concern on human rights around the world, and the focus was further intensified as Mr. Liu Xiaobo was selected as one of the laureates of Nobel Peace Prize 2010. A month ago, North Korea bombed South Korea, creating even more barriers between the two countries, leaving the world in further fear of the North Korean nuclear weapons.

All these events were caused by humans but little was done to relieve the stringent relationship among countries. Undesirable qualities such as distrust, gree and ego are apparent, leading to even more unneccessary disasters. This is precisely why world peace plays an important role in maintaining a harmonious relationship among people.

World peace is a state when nobody has any intention in creating disputes or even wars, which result in grief and hatred. It is a state that still exists only in theory, but it is without doubt that this is a common goal everyone is trying to achieve.

Take 9-11 terrorist attack as an example. After the cataclysmic day, the country that claims to promote freedom sent troops to the Middle East and wars started. This country of liberty, while claiming to dismantle evil forces, was strongly believed to be foraging crude oil. Ever since the wars had begun, what we saw on news every time was casualties, casualties, and more casualties. A deepening racial aversion between the Americans and the Islamic group was also growing.

However, after Obama took over as president of the US, he resigned the troops. Although immediate effect may not be apparent so far, so many people support his decision that he was awarded Nobel Peace Prize in advance to his conribution towards world peace. However much controversy this Prize has aroused, it is undoubtedly a concrete piece of proof on the importance of promoting world peace, in the aspect of defining a brighter future for all of us.

Youngsters, as the driving force for the future, are crucial in promoting peace, and there are many ways to be a part of this force.

Firstly, young people can take part in exchange programmes and international conferences. Participation is beneficial in promoting international understanding because with such activities, young people get to know more about the others from different cultures, beliefs, habits etc. Many disputes are caused by misunderstanding and therefore, an exchange programme could help youngsters gain an international perspective and broaden their horizons. The chance of misunderstanding can then be reduced.

Secondly, young people can take part in community services. By getting in touch with people from all walks of life, they can get a broader picture of what the world is like and understand more about how the others feel by being a part of them. In this way, more care and love can be promoted and more international understanding is built.

Thirdly, young people can create causes related to world peace and encourage the people around them, like friends and relatives, to take part in. Experiential learning is one of the most effective ways in understanding concepts and when young people create all these events, they are also a part of learning process. Organizations like the WYSE are promiting exactly this kind of learning and indeed many benefit from such causes, including the needy and the participants of the project.

There are of course many other ways for your involvement in promoting world peace and international understanding. As long as you have the heart for promoting peace, you already have helped to promote international understanding.