Undergraduate / "computer science, music and movies" - JHU-activity [5]

Hi there! I think it's great that you have interests outside of the classroom. I'm sure JHU would really like that :)

The problem is, this may be a little dry.
In the second paragraph, you repeat the word "movie" very often. I suggest reading your piece out loud to find where you want to keep and where you want to remove the word "movie." :)

Here are some grammatical things I caught:
"JHU will enrich my university life with its diverse opportunities for student activities. I look forward to being a part of active clubs there and meeting new friends from different cultures, thus widening my view towardsof the world.

Besides my academic interest, computer science, I am a great fan of music and movies . I have always been in movie clubs since my middle school years, watching and discussing a wide range of movies. I also made a short movie clip with my friend, whose dream is to become a movie director and wonwin a competition. To pursue my passion for movies, I will participate in a movie club and engage myself more in movies. I will have more time to learn about behind or beyond a particular movie such as a background and a motivation. <--- I'm not too sure what you're trying to say here.

I love music.but My taste in music is not in Beethoven or Mozart classical musicsince we all know what you mean here, you should either delete "classical" and delete "Beethoven or Mozart" or vice versa. JustInstead, pop songs are my favorite. I not only listen to songs but sing.I do not just listen to songs; I also sing. I frequently go to(<-- a little awkward here) karaoke with friends. Because I am not a good singer (<---you maaay not want to say this), I will try hard to be good enough to join singing clubs in the university. Then I hope to produce my own album with a club team, even if it will not be sold much (again, focus on your dreams of succeeding in what you do). With a variety of JHU's student activities, I cannot wait to have fertile university life at JHU."

I really hope this helps!
These are just suggestions. You definitely don't have to take them all into consideration.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "But why, Dad.." - Common App: Forgiveness [5]

I really, really like this. Powerful, well-written, and real.
One thing that caught my eye:
"and four years ago, my spite for you was solid"

I thought it was six years ago? Or maybe I missed something =/

Undergraduate / "less than 15 hours each week" - Johns Hopkins- activities to engage at JHU? [7]

Wow, it seems like you have a lot under your belt here! :) I'm sure Hopkins would love that!
The problem is, I think your interests are not presented in an interesting way. Every new extracurricular that you mention is tied into your supplement the same way.

Your supplement shows that you have a wide range of interests and a sincere interest in JHU, but it lacks a creativity element that will certainly distinguish you from other people applying.

Undergraduate / "Economics in China" Johns Hopkins Essay [4]

This is an excellent topic for the supplemental essay. I, myself, have also seen this paradox firsthand. I think it's a perfect reason to go into economics.

However, there were a few structural things that caught my attention as I read your essay. Here are some revisions (some are pretty bad) that may help you polish your piece:

"China. Turn on the TV, read Business Week, and it feels like a matter of time before that country rises to the top. Studying in Beijing the summer of 2009, I saw the pace of development firsthand . Every morning I watched eight cranes diligently working to add more buildings to the already crowded scene. Walking down the street of Wangfujin, I can see buildings packed with residents flocking towards high class stores--Rolex, Louis Vuitton , Chanel. The advancements in the city create an atmosphere nothing like my grandma described, making me wonder "Why not now?"

The question was answered quickly. Barely driving outside the city limits of Beijing, the high-rises vanish into straw roof houses and shoeless kids scampering across the dirt school grounds. Pacing through the area I ask a villager if he has seen the city. Only in pictures he replies, too expensive to travel there. Barely 30 minutes from Beijing, the grand site of the 2008 Olympics, and the one billion people in China who live in poverty become a painful reality check.

Being in China triggered my understanding about the power of economics. I stood in awe of the immense success that was seen inside the street of Beijing, yet walked the sanded streets of Chuangdixia wondering why so many were left out. From daily transactions, to the policy of a country, economics affects everyone's life and the sharp contrasts in its consequences create a fascinating journey to discover."

Good luck to you!

Undergraduate / "Assembling my list of colleges" - Why Swarthmore? [4]

You're a great fit for Swarthmore! This is a great essay that shows your sincere interest for the school. From reading this, it seems like you'd be a perfect addition to Swarthmore's student body. Here are just a few things that caught my eye:

"eighty six" = "eighty-six"
"just plain annoying" shows your voice, but is a little colloquial

"While I'm going into college undeclared, I know what field I want to go into in the near future. I plan to go into the sciences and possibly if I find a real passion for it: medical school. Swarthmore's medical school acceptance rate in 2004 was ninety two percent, meaning that by going to Swarthmore College I would be on the fast track to medical school."

It seems like you do, in fact, know what you want to do. I understand what you're saying here, but I actually think it's in your best interest to play up your interest in med. instead of going undeclared.

Good luck to you! I'm applying to Swarthmore, too :)

Undergraduate / "Caesar's Dish" - Yale Supplement Critique [4]

I really like the Caesar salad idea. It's clever and it's interesting. Definitely made me want to read on. Also, the full-circle approach is effective :)

Here's something that didn't make sense to me, though:
"Whether the goal is to win a championship or just a couple of nerds who work for an A for tomorrow's test, it can be achieved despite our unique differences."

Maybe something like
"Whether the goal is to win a championship game or to earn an A for tomorrow's test..."
Obviously this ^ needs tweaking, but I think you should work on parallelism for this sentence.

Overall, I liked it a lot! Great job and good luck!