collegeyeah
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "Caesar's Dish" - Yale Supplement Critique [4]
I really like the Caesar salad idea. It's clever and it's interesting. Definitely made me want to read on. Also, the full-circle approach is effective :)
Here's something that didn't make sense to me, though:
"Whether the goal is to win a championship or just a couple of nerds who work for an A for tomorrow's test, it can be achieved despite our unique differences."
Maybe something like
"Whether the goal is to win a championship game or to earn an A for tomorrow's test..."
Obviously this ^ needs tweaking, but I think you should work on parallelism for this sentence.
Overall, I liked it a lot! Great job and good luck!
I really like the Caesar salad idea. It's clever and it's interesting. Definitely made me want to read on. Also, the full-circle approach is effective :)
Here's something that didn't make sense to me, though:
"Whether the goal is to win a championship or just a couple of nerds who work for an A for tomorrow's test, it can be achieved despite our unique differences."
Maybe something like
"Whether the goal is to win a championship game or to earn an A for tomorrow's test..."
Obviously this ^ needs tweaking, but I think you should work on parallelism for this sentence.
Overall, I liked it a lot! Great job and good luck!