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Posts by collegegirl24
Joined: Dec 25, 2010
Last Post: Dec 26, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 13  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "explore various cultures" - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE AT BU? [9]

I like the changes you have made. there is definitely a more unified theme, of you gaining independence and perspective by going to BU. While you show what you want to get involved in, I think you should work on emphasizing what makes BU different from most colleges, is it the research opportunities for example? Also, I know it doesn't ask for it, but throwing in more about what you plan on doing regarding political science at BU would show them that you have passion for the subject as well. This is a lot to include in such a small number of words, but basically think about what you can offer BU and why you would be the perfect match for them, because a lot of the things you listed about BU could be said about many other colleges
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "explore various cultures" - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE AT BU? [9]

what really intrigues me about your essay is that you thirst for independence and it seems like you really want to travel. you should expand on this to emphasize you have a strong interest for that. it seems like right now you are jumping from idea to idea and i don't get a strong sense of what you are really passionate about and why BU will help you achieve your goals. I think you should spend some time reflecting on what in particular BU will do for you. I think you have some really good ideas so far though, like diversity and independence.

please please please could you give me some feedback on my essay to georgetown? i would really appreciate it!
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interested in new experiences; Hi, Future Roommate!" Stanford [4]

you definitely have some interesting details to work with. you should expand on being a tree-hugger, loving animals and nature. maybe talk about your childhood in the ukraine. or perhaps what you aspire for during your time at stanford?

right now you are identifying common themes all future college students would talk about, being away from home, having a good time, etc.
take advantage of the opportunity you have to show more about yourself
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I will feast on an extravagant meal" - interest of study, my essay for Georgetown [3]

Georgetown College: Please relate your interest in studying at Georgetown University to your goals. How do these thoughts relate to your chosen course of study?

One of the ways I experience cultures is through cuisine. I have eaten flautas in Mexico, lingonberry jam in Sweden, poutine in Quebec, and platanos asados in Costa Rica. I have compared the spicy taste of Mexican food to the bland taste of Swedish, and through this have formulated my ideal tastes. The same way, I have compared cultural behaviours of each ethnic group and through this have formulated my own values.

But tasting these dishes has not been as easy as it sounds. From a young age, I developed a strong desire to experience the cultures of the world and move away from my homogeneous Jewish, privileged environment. With much convincing, I was given the opportunity to travel on language exchanges and immersion programs. I began to love what these opportunities gave me: they questioned values that had been engrained in me. I have grown from these experience with a strong world view. These immersion experiences have proven so beneficial to me that I have tried to replicate them in my own home through cooking the dishes I tasted in that country. But to my disappointment, I can never get the enchiladas just right, or else the plantains are lacking the freshness of those in Costa Rica.

Through living with a host family on my exchange in Mexico and volunteering with locals while on an immersion program in Quebec, I learned that what interests me the most is how one's identity is influenced by family and culture. I seek to understand these cultural values in greater depth. Georgetown is a hub of cultural diversity. The Hawaii Club, La Société Francophone, and Ballet Folklorico Mexicano de Georgetown are all areas I wish to get involved in to learn about the lifestyle of those cultures. I am also interested in how various experiences can affect a person's sense of self. Erik Erikson examined how a person develops independence, sense of capability, but most importantly a sense of who they are as members of wider society. I wish to fully immerse myself in the study of psychology to understand factors that affect our sense of self. I would specialize in "Conceptual and Developmental Foundations" and get involved with the research of Professor Phillips, whose passion for her subject transcends beyond the classroom.

While many of my peers will be entering university in search of their role as an individual, my many experiences living with other families and interacting with various socio-economic groups have allowed me to determine my own values separate from those of my family. I have emerged as an independent-thinker, with a strong world view and a sense of capability. I am a passionate feminist and a dedicated vegetarian. I want to advocate for these groups during my years at Georgetown. But most importantly, because I have developed my own sense of self, I want to help others develop theirs. Erikson's stage of development when one discovers their role in wider society requires one to become removed from their own culture. I wish to encourage immigrants to part with their own cultural values and instead create their own, which I can do through the D.C. Schools Project. By participating in Prison Outreach, I can expose in-mates to literature and academic disciplines, and through this they can determine their own values. By participating in Girl Talk, I can help adolescent girls make sense of their role in the world. With Dance DC, by sharing my passion for tap dance and hip hop with underprivileged children , they can develop self-confidence through the performing arts .

Obama described the United States not as a Christian nation, a Muslim nation, or a Jewish nation, but a nation of citizens bound by ideals and sets of values. I believe this is best seen in Washington, which is a mixture of Native people, people of Latino, European, Asian and African descent. At Georgetown, I will no longer have to actively seek out various cultural dishes that I can only taste for a short period of time. Rather, I will feast on an extravagant meal of Afghan batter fried eggplant, a thickend gazpacho of Spanish Salmorejo, Italian pizza al taglio, and Indian gujarat.

Please be critical! I welcome all feedback. Thank you so much.
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

thanks a lot ben. your feedback was extremely helpful; i really appreciate it.
do you think admissions get a clear sense of why i want to attend U of M rather than just why I am interested in psychology?
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

thanks so much Ben!
i completely understand what you mean. I was trying to incorporate Erikson to give my essay more of a flow, but I see that it is simply straying from the main purpose: which is why in particular I want to go to U of M. I want to go there for the outreach programs, which is explained through my desire to help people discover their identities. here is my edited version, please tell me what you think.

I am a diligent student, a dedicated vegetarian, a proud feminist, a passionate dancer, and a lover of culture and language. But if someone asked me to describe myself two years ago, I would have had to pause and I doubt I would have ever formulated an answer. These past two years have been a time of great growth for me. I begged my parents to send me on language exchanges and summer programs because I desired to immerse myself in other cultures. My weeks became filled with time spent mentoring students in a have-not part of the city, and teaching disabled children how to swim. Through this, my ideologies were put into question. I learned that I am impartial to religion, I seek a balance of work and play, and that I'd rather state my honest opinion than live in fear of being rejected. I am 17 years old, and while my peers embark on their college journey as a time to separate from their families and discover their place in the world, I can say I thoroughly know myself.

As soon as I developed my own self concept, I became very interested in observing how others developed theirs. I researched psychologist Erik Erikson's theory of stages of development, and discovered that each age of childhood is intended to develop a child's trust in the world, independence, questioning and most important their own views separate from their families. I watched as children at the rehabilitation center where I volunteered last year developed into boastful and lax swimmers through overly-encouraging parents, or into children insecure about their swimming abilities from their parents continuously labeling them as "stupid." It became aware to me that experiences are crucial in shaping the way a person thinks about themselves. Because I recognize how important each stage of development is, I want to devote my time to help others make sense of their role in the community.

U of M is an environment where I can connect to children struggling to find their sense of self. Participating in the Child Violence and Trauma Lab, I can observe how exposure to Intimate Partner Violence affects the development of children. I can play an active role with Ozone House, helping runaway, homeless and high-risk youth re-evaluate their sense of self. I even want to help my own peers develop their world views, by participating in the North American Summer Service Team, and watching as they grow through immersion in communities throughout North America.

Erikson states that it is harder to reach later stages if one is lacking the earlier. My strong sense of self is the result of gradually achieving each stage of development. I recognize how important factors influencing our development are, such as culture and family environments. My goal is to help others realize that by exposing themselves to diverse experiences, they will be able to determine their own identity just as I have.
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "to explore more of what the world" -what you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate? [2]

your first sentence: "it's hard to comprehend how excited I am going to college," sounds like an exaggeration and you want it to sound authentic. also, don't mention financial reasons as a reason for you to attend BU, i'm sure it's something no college wants to hear.

i am very intrigued by your desire to help people, and i liked your personal anecdote. that is unique and tells admissions officers a lot about you.

maybe talk about outreach programs BU offers? besides just graphic design, because it sounds like a stretch that graphic design alone will help you alleviate poverty.

there are little areas for you to clean up (watch your grammar) but your idea about helping others is very interesting!
please please please give me some feedback on my supplement to u of m, i would really appreciate it
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "witty, impulsive, principled, and curious" -Stanford Short- bad form to use a joke? [7]

you want to show them who you are. and saying that your handsome just makes it look like you're trying too hard to be different from the standard five words. show them you take their questions seriously! good luck!

also, would you please give me some feedback on my supplement for u of m?
collegegirl24   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Pioneers and visionaries" - Columbla [4]

i don't feel passion coming from your essay. while you have a done a great job of including areas where you wish to get involved, and traits that attract you to columbia, it is unclear what you will do while at columbia. i think you should focus on something in particular that attracts you to columbia and emphasize that, showing what you have done. it will add more personality, because right now anyone could have written your statement. good luck!

oh and please comment on my supplement to U of M. I would appreciate it!
collegegirl24   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Opportunity's Door' - Cornell "Arts and Sciences" Supplement [5]

I got a strong sense of who you are from this supplement, which is great! What I think you should work on is elaborating on the evolution of your interest in biology? Was it really that simple that you just always knew you wanted to be a vet? I'm sure there is more of a story behind it. By emphasizing that, it will show you that you have a passion for the subject as well as many qualities, like motivation, that will help you in college.
collegegirl24   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "The forming of my identity" - psychology supplement for U of M [7]

Prompt: Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate college or school to which you are applying at the U of M. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words max.)

The forming of my identity has been an arduous process. It is best explained by psychologist Erik Erikson's stages of development. It first required a confidence in the future of the world which I acquired when I first began to read novels, realizing the problems I faced had been faced by countless people before me. The next stage was early childhood, when one gains control over their own actions. At this stage, I was forced to research and advocate for my own lessons and summer activities. I now have a strong sense of where my interests lie. The Play Age stage was when I began to question the world. I soon realized how precious the rare glimpses of authenticity were to me, masked by socially acceptable behaviour. During the school age, I developed a strong sense of capability through being exposed to leadership positions at my elementary school. The stage I deem the most important is adolescence. This can be the most challenging for humans, as they discover who they are as individuals separate from their family. By immersing myself in other cultures on language exchanges, immersion programs, and volunteer opportunities interacting with children of impoverished communities, my values and self-image have been put into question, thus I slowly developed my own world view separate from my family or culture.

I have to conclude that Erikson was misguided when assigning ages to accompany his stages of development. I am 17 years old, and while my peers embark on their college journey as a time to separate from their families and discover their place in the world, I can say I thoroughly know myself. I am a proud feminist and a dedicated vegetarian, and I am prepared to take action in campus life at U of M.

Once I became confident in my sense of self, I began to watch the ways in which others' identities were being shaped and thus decided psychology was my passion. I watched as children at the rehabilitation center where I volunteered last year developed into boastful and lax swimmers through overly-encouraging parents, or into children insecure about their swimming abilities from their parents continuously labeling them as "stupid." Because I recognize how important fulfilling each stage of development is, I want to devote my time to help others make sense of their role in their community.

U of M is an environment where I can connect to children struggling to find their sense of self. Participating in the Child Violence and Trauma Lab, I can observe how exposure to Intimate Partner Violence affects the development of children. I can play an active role with Ozone House, helping runaway, homeless and high-risk youth re-evaluate their sense of self. I even want to help my own peers develop their world views, by participating in the North American Summer Service Team, and watching as they grow through immersion in communities throughout North America.

Erikson states that it is harder to reach later stages if one is lacking the earlier. My strong sense of self is the result of gradually achieving each stage of development. I recognize how important factors influencing our development are, such as culture and family environments. My goal is to help others realize that by exposing themselves to diverse experiences, they will be able to determine their own identity just as I have.

This is only a rough draft, but I would really appreciate feedback!
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