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Posts by cdyal87
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 15  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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cdyal87   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / NASA spacesuit Cornell Engineering Supplemental [15]

This essay is beautifully captivating. You answer what interest you about engineering and even give a specific detail. which is still in the works. You could further improve this essay by exmplifying how the Kessler Fellows and the Cornell Center for Materials Research will benefit your ongoing project.
cdyal87   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair: how I defeated my mother" AMHERST SUPPLEMENT [6]

I think you did a wonderful job articulating the prompt.
I only see two corrections that can be fixed:
1. "...in such a great quantities." do you mean to say, " in such great quantities." or in such a great quantity."?

2. "December 7th, 2007,". Anytime you have every component of a date, each part should be seperated by a comma. Thus, December, 7th, 2007.

This essay shows your determination and patience when it come to obtaining goals.

On the other side, I TRIED to read my essay again and failed. I forgot what eccentric and desideration meant. I was so anxious and stressed about my application essys I completely forgot I speak English.
cdyal87   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

NYU Supplement 1: I did not perceive, while reading, that the writer is a pretentious pedantic:). It was eloquent and creative. I would suggest that you address your interests about your major.

NYU Supplement 2: Powerful beginning, but you begin to lose celerity half way through. I would revise the last sentence so that it correlates with the previous sentence but introduces how this necessity will be found at NYU and utilized.

NYU Supplement 3: Nice place for a date and great description. I would explain how he could relate to the surroundings. Is he a naturalist? A modernist? I know you said absurb, but Jean Paul Sartre was an absurdist, and I know that he would love to contemplate the freedom of the bees! Also, you do not address what you would share with him. Keep in mind that when you take someone on a date, you pick someone that you can learn from as well as share a passion with. Why would this date appeal to Eugene?
cdyal87   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [15]

Lightning55, thank you, for the constructive criticism. I will most certainly add examples and experiences of what I have done so far that has lead me to my current ambitions. And, yes, I do use these words when talkking to my parents, and they're constantly aggrevated with me. :). Have you heard that album (food for thought)?
cdyal87   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Engineering a Pokémon team" - Yale Supplement [9]

I think your essay exmplifies not only why you possess a passion for Pokemon but how it has increasingly designated a desired major for you.

The only grammatical error I could spot was the use of a informal pro-noun which confused me to what exact it was referring to.

"Before I release the team, I run it(the computer?) through a battery of tests. I check its(if you clarify in the previous sentence that it is a computer or hard-drive, etc. then you can leave this informal pro-noun alone.) performance, debug any obvious flaws, and examine its use in the long term(calculate its longevity and efficiency.)? .

Other than this, I believe the essay shows you cerebral ability.
cdyal87   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [15]

No, in fact I did not use a thesaurus. I think that if anyone attempted to comprehend or analyze Plato, Machievelli, or Darwin they would find no comparison between their writings and mine. It with this assertion that I think you should read Book III of the Republic, and I think then you will disagree with your own statement. Was it empiricism that you did not understand? Thank you for the advice to palliate my essay's "underrlying" verbosity.
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [15]

The prompt is what are my reasons for wishing to transfer and what goals do I hope to achieve? I am really trying not to go crazy over this essay. Smith, Bryn Mawr, and Middlebury are my dream colleges and attempting to possess acuity of what precisely they would like to hear, I have revised this speicifc essay 5 times.

Grammatical errors? Coherency issues? Sentence structure issues?
Thanks! I will reply by editing your posts!

My direct and simplistic reasoning's for transferring to a Liberal Arts College at this time is to obtain a higher degree than my Associate in Arts. More importantly, as I have graduated from a community college, I wish to transfer to a more academically flourishing college. The impersonal infrastructures of applying, registering, and attending classes have left a metallic flavor in my mouth and a craving for robust nutrients: witty and profound prompts, insightful challenges, and nourishing, tender amities. Upon entering into a Liberal Arts College I will aspire to understand with maximum capacity the knowledge and experience bestowed by each of my future professors. With the new challenges given by professors, I desire to procure scholarly independence from my fellow classmates and teachers so that I may grow self-sufficiently in intellectual academics- challenging theories and problems with my personal opinions so that they may exist in their entirety. I believe that a corollary of retracting from the surrounding academic environment will be a salubrious college experience for not only me but for my fellow classmates as well. The rigorous attention and profound questioning by professors and pupils, I feel, are essential components in the proliferation of a person's autonomous ability to critically analyze; and I hope to become an intellectual student who has gained from her challenging environment and academics the wit and drive of a scholar. Of course, it is without disregarding the relevancy of social interaction and without ignoring imperative communal participation that I am optimistic of participating in certain extracurricular activities: publishing articles for the college newspaper, enjoying rides with fellow cyclists, joining the local "French Table", viewing and discussing cinematic treasures with the film club, and extolling the surrounding architecture, environment, and people through photography.

My passion is to major in French and minor in Philosophy; and as I look forward to each subject being thoroughly understood , I am prepared for the trials and hurdles I will endure and overcome while learning to speak French fluently and while altering and acclimating my thoughts to critically analyze most thoroughly. Furthermore, I look forward to gaining confidence in conversing on the subjects of philosophy, literature, art, and film. I also expect to obtain a scholarly ability in analyzing Europe's affect over civilization, prosperity, and current affairs; modern revolution, evolution, and rebellion; film, screenplays, and directors; and literary movements (modernism and post-modernism, empiricism and rationalism, existentialism, and Platonism). Settling into my academic environment, I look forward to honing a thorough comprehension of French culture through the enjoyable yet cerebrally stimulating classes, students, and readings.

The exciting opportunity to view other student's writing skills and techniques is a necessary aspect of the college experience; and I am patient for the opportunity to apprehend such inspiration, which will bolster a creative expansion and reconstruction of my own writing style. The valuable comments and critiques on submitted essays provided by prospective professors will also enable me to revise and compose exhaustive compositions with minimal errors.

It is my ultimate goal to absorb these vast knowledge's and rousing experiences so that I may complete my pre-mature cinematic criticisms on the meaning and use of dichromatic film and its correlation to the existentialist battle of freedom( Wim Wender's Wings of Desire and Federico Fellini's 8 ˝); and possess a deeper ability in understanding Jean Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and Friedrich Nietzche's Thus Spake Zarathustra so that I may finish with decorum my attempt to parallel the proliferation of materialism, gluttony, and the depletion of will to the Superman to modern day empiricism. It is also my current understanding that with the annex of such aspects as stated above I will continue to enjoy writing screenplays and short stories, and editing and producing short films.
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / procrastinating, common app, details are important [3]

Very moving and personal. it has a sense of poignant growth and lessons of life. Only one thing: "Looking back on my high school career that is something I wished I had picked up on earlier." Did you mean to say that you wish you would have realized the importance of high school? I would consider revising.

Otherwise, beautiful lamentation!
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement: Best Piece of Advice. "Side Effects of Perfect" [3]

The second sentence is missing a comma. "Four weeks packed into a campus crawling with the most talented teen artists in America was a formula for competition, and I was set on having the perfect piece to display at the program's culminating art show." They're two independent sentences so they should be seperate with a common and a subordinative conjuction(which you already have). You could even make the proceeding sentence stand out by saying yet instead of and: exemplifying your ability and determination to display the best piece of art amongst the "most talented teen artist in America". I would also consider revising the beginning part: four weeks were packed into a campus crawling...? Perhaps you could say four weeks of a thriving campus crawling?

"...because I know that painting was the stepping stone for many better and more appropriately colored paintings in the future." I believe this sentence could increase in clarity and essence by giving further detail to "painting": "...because I know that being able to make a mistake while painting". This supports what you previously posited. Also, you might want to consider revising "many better and more", it seems "off" a bit. You would use many when counting objects and you use it here to modify better which is used for comparing. Also, more appropriately is grammatically incorrect. You never combine more with an adverb ending in 'ly.

I hope this helps, and thanks for your criticism on my essay:)
Cindy Dyal
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility" - Brief description of one activity [4]

The prompt is to briefly elaborate on one activity. I wanted to create an eclectic yet poignant expression of my passion for photography and its possibilities.

Grammar errors? Incoherency? Clear sentence structure?

Photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility served alongside a silky smooth wave of chills. It is the astuteness renowned within every sense and concurrently flushed through the fingertips onto a screen. The meek yet majestic and ever precedent essence of pressing a dime-sized button rescinds reticently into ineffability. Any awareness and response reposed within myself has now been apprehended and restored within a single still-motion depiction of each. The task of disclosing the personally affiliated emotions within and external to the picture is felicitously sustained in a laconic preamble. This introduction survives as a cacophony rising above the dilettantes hovering in niches of dimly lit art galleries and cozy dorm rooms. Between the lines exclusive, autonomous opinion and feeling burgeon.

It is impossible to not include myself in this amalgamation of perspectives; nevertheless, the picture resembles not "I" or any emotion I had anteceding the shoot but the infinite universality of a viewer's freedom of observation. Taking into custody an idea arbitrarily inspired by human reality and transcribing a blithe imagination into "art" is the single most unfettering, yet creatively unifying activity. The comfort in exposing fervor without the common associations expectantly presupposed allows the life of the photograph to exist with omnipresence; the photograph is poignant and sensitive to the viewer, allowing amities to grow. Photography is the anchor man on mute; a pellucid pathos beneath light; the transcendence of human emotion void of commonality and exposure of individual surreptitiousness.
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / BERMUN: Personal Statement: My passion for MUN [5]

Great essay! It shows thoroughly the ability and experience you possess.
But there are a few things I thought you might like to change.

The second sentence uses important three times, and I would use a different word each time so that the word itself does not become banal to the reader.

Also, the last sentence you say, "as I went abroad for an entire year to Atustralia with 16, weren't the odds just rather high?" I think you meant to say that you went to Australia when you were 16. secondly, when you say weren't the odds just rather high? I think this deteriorates the decorum of the anteceded sentences. It does not state clearly what odds were rather high.

Other than that, I believe you succeeded in creating a laconic, precise, and exact essay.
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Psychology isn't just a word" CAS Cornell Sup [3]

Hi, the following comments come from your request of constructive criticism.

I believe that by saying psychology is "a class to fill a requirement" is to not give psychology the proper understanding in the form that you are utilizing it. Perhaps, if you say, "pscyhology courses" or "curriculum on psychology", this would espouse a closer relationship between "a class to fill a requirement" and the opening word. Most people do not associate Psychology as a class but as a "metaphysical" component of human understanding.

It would be feliticious if you named a few ways that you "have looked for ways to learn all that there is to learn about the human mind." It is a confirmation that you ahve asserted yourself towards a future goal and not merely thought about one.

It is confusing in the third paragraph when you say, "teachers that command a room in classes...". Did you mean to say something else? I would consider revising.

Also, staing when and in what class you sat in at Cornell would be proper and informative.

Does this help? I hope so:)
Cindy D.
cdyal87   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "chronological order your activities" - Smith, Bryn Mawr, and Middlebury [5]

This is one out of five essays that I am writing for my admissions application to Smith, Bryn Mawr, Middlebury, and New College of Florida.

Subject: If you are not currently enrolled in college full-time, please describe in detailed chronological order your activities since last enrolled in school full-time.

Does my essay satisfy the instructions, and are there are grammatical errors? Is the essay eccentric yet definitive in its proclomation of activities?

Thru the spring and summer of 2010, I devoted my time to a four star restaurant in Winter Park FL, and a tea and sandwich house across the street from the University of Central Florida so that I could amass tuition for the fall of 2010. Rather than studying at eclectic cafes and pondering the abysmal quality of sherbet skies, I abstained from social interaction, horrified at the thought of an interruption of remuneration, and worked the maximum of forty hours per week at Houston's Restaurant. When not working at Houstons, I could be spotted behind the tinted glass of three panels serving hand brewed tea and intimidating sandwiches to the local fraternity brothers and sorority sisters of UCF. Between the shifts interlacing each other, giving grace to a few hours of freedom, I could be sited contemplating the theories of Heidegger among the shelved philosophers of Borders Bookstore.

Brooding on a constant basis appeared as the solidary activity I was persistently participating in during this seven months academic interruption; furthermore, I enjoyed the solitude of sitting for several hours at Natura Café and Jazz so that I could complete a multitude of readings. Each page ameliorated the plethora of difficulties I ruminated over on a daily basis: cultural disadvantages, hardships, and inexperienced and unadvised decisions. With ease I disparage the nights that I attempted to paint the town red; subconsciously surrounding myself with those whom simply subdued my existential angst and thwarted my inner growth, freedom of knowledge, and opportunities to truly experience life. It was the straining pressure of autonomously paying for tuition, books, rent, car payment and insurance, and extracurricular activities, and the consistent feeling of Nausee that blurred together the peculiarities of this particular period in my life; the chronological components danced without order and altered the tempo at their leisure. As the sonnet played with resonating bass, the singer swayed and hummed a virtuous, treacle lullaby: "never abandon virtue, which is an impetus to success".

With grandiose hopes of surrounding myself with a challenging academic environment, I hastily registered for fall classes in Philosophy, Literature, and Elementary French. Quickly following my enrollment in classes, I came to the ruinous awareness that I was too impecunious to be able to rely on my income for the following four months, which would have allowed me replete devotion to my academic studies. To say this was a complete mental and intellectual devastation would to ignore the passivity endured during the next 4 months. Quickly seizing my parent's offer of a spare room in their house, I returned to Arcadia Fl. so that I could once again attempt to accrue the plethora of dollar bills needed to attend college properly and respectfully; however, I was not prepared to promptly return home among the lamenting unemployed.

I have never put much thought into the antiquated saying that everything happens for a reason; but shortly after securing a volunteer position at a local rare and used bookstore, and systematizing a routine of a.m. studies (accompanied with a demitasse of Café Bustello), self-created prompts, and mandatory photography sessions of Arcadia, I understood the capable profundity of each action followed through in life. I believe this saying can be interpreted into a more personally controlled affiliation of the self by positing that each experience, action, and outcome can never be fully comprehended until it has happened.

With this new perspective on the ability to control every element of my life, I have begun to extract further extol for my academic freedom, while conscious of the veiled, possible impact on my intellect each step possesses. Reflecting the structure of a scholarly den, I continue to dissect literature and philosophy in the solitude of a personal classroom. The terse two hour break I allow myself from Plato, Kant, and Sartre arrives in the afternoon when Sofi ́a (my 1987, Trek 400) and I race each other to Crackerhouse Bookstore; and upon the front doors bell's dissonance floating into the distance, I find myself shoved in the children's section organizing and restocking; concentrating on the alphabetization of 1800-1900 Classic Literature; and guiding inquisitive guests to their desired area of readings.

Not only am I volunteering at a local bookstore, but I am also looking forward to holding a journalist and photography position at the local newspaper in January: covering a weekly book review and an article on the education system in DeSoto County. I most certainly plan to continue volunteering at Crackerhouse Bookstore; furthermore, I anticipate the completion of a short film on the languid mentality of a small town and its effect on culture, creative stimulation, and communal efficiency. It is with complete devotion to academics, creativeness, and intellectuality that I reserved the year 2010, and 2011 prospectively, so that I may become a part of the arduous and witty environment of a Liberal Arts College.
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