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Posts by nicoler22
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Last Post: Mar 6, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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nicoler22   
Mar 6, 2011
Scholarship / Hooked on Running - how it affected my life (scholarship) [3]

This is a scholarship essay based on how running has affected my life. It should be about 300 words but mine's way over, at about 430. Any feedback and or comments would be great. Thanks!

Running; the act of traveling on foot at a fast pace over a continually repeated period of time. Yes, this is the dictionary's definition of running, but this definition doesn't even begin to approach the way I view running. After being on my school's Varsity Cross-Country team for three consecutive years and running during all off-seasons as well, I can truly say that running has changed my life.

"What kind of joy do you get from an exercise that keeps you out of breath and makes you sweaty?" I've been asked more times than I can count. But it's so much more than the workout- it's the thrill, the burn, the intensity. Running is an escape from the stirring world around me, leaving me in my own cycle, moving, and moving. It's my flight from all the insanity. Everyone has their distinct form of expression and way to deal with stress. Mine is running. I feel myself becoming redder, breathing heavy, but nothing else matters. I am no longer focusing on school, on work, on family, on friends. Running is the only thing I have complete control over. I decide how fast I run. I decide where I run. I decide how long I run for.

In general, life is filled with many obstacles and running symbolizes how I have the ability and strength to overcome these obstacles. At first I viewed running as a challenge, a tedious and straining activity that left me lacking the energy to even run a mile. I would complain about hard practices-running intervals, hills, and sprints. I lagged behind my team, heaving and tired. But after many hard practices, I became stronger and running came more naturally to me. I began to keep up with my teammates and my endurance improved tremendously. I started to love feeling the breeze in my hair and the blood pumping in my legs. A mile turned into something easy, a warm-up, and now I run several miles daily for my own satisfaction. Transforming a difficulty in my life into a pleasure demonstrates the impact running has had on me. Just as I overcame my struggles with running, I have the confidence that I can overcome any obstacles that I may face in the future.

Not everyone understands a runner's intentions; these people have different channels of expression to deal with their emotions. My channel is running. Running is my comfort. The mind-clearing effect running generates is unattainable for me to reach any other way. It's my calm during a storm, my sanity amongst chaos. I can truly and honestly say that I am hooked on running.
nicoler22   
Mar 6, 2011
Undergraduate / "peer-pressure has lost its grasp on me" - UBC Supplemental - Ethical Dilemma [5]

"the students always desire your their help."

provided the answers partly from peer-pressure and because I was busy.
What do you mean by this? Not really clear.

The beginning lags on for a while and doesn't really get to the point of the ethical problem until about the last sentence or so. Since you have such a limited capacity try to start your point earlier so that you can expand more on what you're trying to get across rather than the background.
nicoler22   
Mar 6, 2011
Scholarship / "I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me) [8]

[Moved from]: As the daughter of migrant farm workers Scholarship Essay

Some grammatical errors:

was rarely spoke

"To hear instruction in the soft language I was accustomed to made me feel at ease."
That sentence doesn't make any sense.

My grades were decent but I wanted to improve, leaving class put me at a disadvantage over my classmates.
What do you mean by leaving class? Do you mean leaving class to take the ESOL classes? This isn't clear.

To assist Mom took to us to the library, helped with projects and communicated through letters with teachers.
Who is us? You have to make this clear to the reader you can't just jump into another tense. Maybe change this to -
To assist my siblings and I, my mother took us to the library, as well as helped with projects and communicated with my teachers through letters.

Having to study Studying harder and spend spending extra time reviewing my work; didn't stop me from holding high scholarly expectations for myself. It worked; b]By the next year I could weave back and forth from one language to another.

I would refuse to hold myself back just to remain comfortable but rather push myself to accomplish my goals and make my family proud.

whereas; I took French.
The semi-colon isn't necessary..you tend to use them a lot and they're really not used correctly.

I honed ?? my leadership and collaboration skills as the president of the Teen Advisory Group.

Poverty is relative so no matter how little you have someone else.
I don't think you finished this sentence.

I have decided to study law and help others it is my desire to use my natural tenacity to become a special education lawyer and help fight for others. It is a wonderful feeling to use my talent in order to help others. I graduate college and pass the bar exam, my career plans are to become an attorney who specializes in Special education and volunteer for the Community Legal Services of Mid Florida. All while remaining active in the community by working on advisory groups and boards and eventually run for political office.

This whole paragraph doesn't make sense..you already graduated college and passed the bar exam or not? Because if you have you need to put it in past tense...and if you haven't then you can't assume you will.

Overall this essay has great meaning and was inspiring to read. You clearly have worked hard and you should be proud of yourself for all your efforts. There are quite a few grammatical errors and tense situations but it was well written and you have a great vocabulary. Next time try reading over it a few more times before submitting it. Good job overall.
nicoler22   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "influenced by my Lebanese culture" - University of Virginia Supplemental [2]

Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.

We cannot overlook the world we come from. Despite where we come from, who we are raised by, and the morals that we learn, our world is what shapes who we are. My world is influenced by my Lebanese culture.

My father emigrated from Lebanon during times of political and economic turmoil, in search of a more successful and peaceful future. My father has overcome his hardships and now provides everything for my family. Growing up as a Middle-Eastern girl among a community of many Caucasians, African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asians, has given me the chance to bring my own culture into this mix.

Although I embrace my Lebanese culture every day, I often reflect on the many differences in my lifestyle from my friends'-when greeting someone, three kisses on the cheek is appropriate. Our dinners always include a variety of traditional Lebanese courses, and yes, we do shovel food down our guests' throats. Family is always first, in any situation. It is important to have nice things and to take care of these nice things.

Along with the many strange quirks my Lebanese heritage brings, I have also been instilled with strong values. From regarding my father's experience, I have learned that hard work and perseverance truly does pay off. In any task that I attempt at I put my all into it, never giving up. Another value instilled in me is a strong sense of respect; respecting my elders, my loved ones, but most importantly respecting myself.

These differences are what make me, well, me. I could not imagine a day when I don't hear my father yelling in Arabic over the phone. And no he's not upset, Lebanese people just talk loudly.
nicoler22   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

All of your answers are very well written and answer the prompts. I know it is hard with the 500 character limit to answer these questions, I too applied to NYU, but I feel as though all of your answers are kind of pompous and you tend to show off a lot. Instead of using those large words, NYU would rather you take up their 500 character limit describing you more than using beautiful language. In such a short limit instead of using words like "essence a zenith of all I love and appreciate in the world" say what you love and appreciate in the world.

If NYU was looking to see how well you can write they would look at your essay, which doesn't have a limit. But since they give you only so many characters to use, take advantage of that by writing about yourself rather than showing off your skills.
nicoler22   
Dec 29, 2010
Graduate / MA Graphic Design SOP - "to be creative and express myself" [3]

This essay needs to be made more personal. Use specific examples or a specific moment when you realized you loved graphic design, for example. You have too many cliche terms. SCAD wants to know about YOU not about graphic design as much.

Some errors:

I enjoy the challenge of taking an abstract idea or concept and giving it a visual identity or transforming it into a communicable message.
The word "communicable" is very awkward.

I was scared to be creative and express myself thorugh through my work for others to see and critique so I stiffeled (I'm not sure what that word even means) the feeling in college to be a graphic designer.

viaully --> Visually

how the document was viaully presented, what font was used to convey the tone and message, etc.
Using etc. is just demonstrating that you have nothing else to write. Be more specific and this is a perfect place for you to be personal!!

a s a --> as* a

expereince --> spelled like this: experience

learend --> learned

Pursuing studies at SCAD continues will continue my education and understanding
want to strenthen the skills that I learned during my undergraduate studies and on-the-job expereince and learn new skills that will help me grow and develop as a graphic designer.

orward to gleaning from SCAD the skills and lessons from professors, peers and courses.

that whole area needs a lot of work. You have many grammatical errors and this needs to be more from your experience. Perhaps reflect on the day you realized you wanted to do graphic design.
nicoler22   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Learning to relax is a challenge" - Arts and Sciences, University of Virginia [4]

College of Arts and Sciences: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

Just breathe. That's what I tell myself, while I'm worked up about something, whether that something is a big deal or not. I'm a perfectionist, so I've been told, always trying to make things fit ideally into the proper place. But being a perfectionist is something that causes anxiety and headache. Learning to relax and letting the pieces fall where they may is quite a challenge.

In order to achieve perfection, one must do the unthinkable and perform tasks that only Gods could perform. But is that really possible? Is perfection obtainable? In the film the Black Swan, directed by Darren Aronofsky, the main character, Nina, strives to be the picture perfect ballerina. Her passion for dance is so extreme that she makes herself physically and emotionally ill over being perfect.

As Nina's sanity slowly vanished, I became more unsettled by the effect perfection had on her. I realized that becoming perfect is a lifelong challenge that is ultimately impossible to reach. Nina spent her days and nights nailing her dance in order for her to perfect each move, but what she learned was that it wasn't only the moves that were important; it was her character that had to develop within the dance.

Nina's lunacy was unsettling for me to watch. If reaching perfection causes one to lose all self control than is that really perfection? Losing yourself over trying to reach the impossible isn't worth the nailing every move and making every detail faultless. Perhaps I can only be the best I can be and nothing more. If that's not perfection than what else can perfection be?
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