Undergraduate / "Journey to be oneself; I understand the risks" - LMU (is this intro too much?) [2]

Do you think this intro is overdoing it? Any other comments on the rest of the essay would be a huge help too! thanks!

Statement: At a recent Commencement Mass, LMU's former President, Fr. Robert Lawton, S.J. said: ''So what is the answer to this deep insecurity we all feel? The answer, I think, is to embrace the adventure of becoming deeply, and fully, ourselves. This is what God is really calling us to. It seems like the riskiest of all journeys, this journey to be one self. But it's ultimately the journey that leads us to happiness, that leads us into God's dreams for us."

Question: Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys? What risks lie ahead as you embark on your college career, and the ''adventure'' of discovering and becoming yourself?

A man walks along a chilly shore. He can feel the cool water at his feet. At first he is hesitant, he is not sure where this will take him. At this time, he is blindfolded. But he hears something. He hears people are already in the water. He gives in. He slowly goes in, but he cannot see he is gradually going in deeper and deeper. He follows the voices that are still in the water. He knows he is getting closer and closer, but suddenly, the voices are gone. He cannot see, he cannot hear, his head is underwater. He has gone too far. His body is begging for oxygen. He asks himself how he got here, but it's all a blur. He pushes himself up to grasp a breath of air. Something is different now. He sees the sun shining in the sky. His blindfold is gone, he can see. He sees a glimpse of the shore, but the tide keeps pulling him away. He tries to swim against it, but the tide seems too strong. He wonders if he has the strength to overcome. He considers giving up, throwing it all away, going where the tide takes him. But he knows where he wants to go; he can see it clearly. He looks up and takes a deep breath. He knows it won't be easy, but he keeps his head up, his eyes open, his ears aware, and swims towards the shore, never looking back.

In his homily, Fr. Lawton brings up a good point, that to overcome insecurity, we must be ready to accept our true selves. But this is not always an easy task. There are many obstacles and barriers to overcome. Whether it is acceptance, rejection, support, or opposition, there will be challenges in our journeys. I have seen these challenges myself.

I started my journey when I was an eighth grader. I learned music at an earlier age, but by eighth grade it was a big part of my life. But this was somewhat of a problem. None of my friends shared the same musical interest. While I was at home playing my guitar all day, my friends were home playing video games together online. They grew closer as friends and I was still "the one who plays guitar", after all, that was who I wanted to be; wasn't it? My friends were slowly drifting away, we didn't have as much in common as we used to. They played basketball; I played songs. They tried to beat high score records; I played them on my dad's old record player. I loved music, but things were no longer the same. We had been friends since kindergarten, and it seemed like that was about to come to an end. I tried to fit in, but something wasn't right. I didn't know how to nail a jump shot or how to throw a spiral, but I knew other things, things that I was interested. It was tough, but I realized that I had to do what was best for me. I accepted who I was. As we grew older we actually grew even closer as friends. I tried to teach them an instrument and they taught me how to actually play basketball. There were obstacles in my journey, but I did what made me happiest and it paid off eventually.

As I continue my journey into college, I understand the risks. I know that not everyone will be on my side. However, this does not make me uneasy. I have grown to recognize that struggle will only make you better. Fr. Lawton says the answer to our insecurities is to embrace becoming our true selves. After all, to accept others we must first accept ourselves. I think we feel this insecurity because we are not being honest with ourselves. Out of all people, the one person I should always be the most honest with is myself. I cannot be honest with someone else, while I lie to myself everyday. That is the first step. Be sincere with yourself, with your dreams. One of my teachers once told me, that sometimes things don't go our way, but you must ask your self "Would I have done anything differently if I had the chance?" I did what made me happy and chose to follow my dreams, regardless of the support or opposition. Sometimes the journey is not a smooth one. Sometimes it is out of your control. If you live your life to the fullest, being honest with your self, your insecurities will start to disappear. And from there on the road on your journey will pave itself for you.

Fr. Lawton brought up an important topic to think about during this time in my life. The journey to be oneself is not as easy as it seems. It is sometimes a risky choice. I knew who I wanted to be, but I was swimming against the tide. I didn't have support from my peers. I could have thrown it all away. I questioned my strength, but I knew where I wanted to be. I know the journey ahead of me won't be easy. But I'm looking up; taking a deep breath; continuing my journey, ready to discover what lies ashore.

Undergraduate / Joining the school band- significant experience (common app essay) [2]

Okay so this is for the common app essay option #1 "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you"

its 599 words right now but I'm not sure if its perfect to send yet. any guidance/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

It was a day like any other, or so I thought. I quietly sat at my desk with a pen in hand and listened to my teacher lecture, it was just another day in the fourth grade. As the minutes passed, my eye caught a glimpse through the window of the school band director walking towards our classroom. He made his way towards the front of the classroom and began to speak. He came to tell us about joining the school band. I thought nothing of it. He mentioned saxophone, violin, flute, clarinet, and then; he mentioned guitar. My eyes immediately lit up, he had my attention. I didn't know how to play the guitar back then, in fact, I didn't even know much about it. But as a young boy the thought of being able to play guitar attracted me.

It was strange. Before that day, I had absolutely no interest in music. My family would always ask, "What's your favorite song?" I would simply reply, "I don't like music." Whenever I went to my cousin's house he would always blast music in his room. I would constantly tell him to turn it down or sometimes even resort to turning it off myself. You might say I was not exactly musically enthusiastic.

But something changed that day in fourth grade. All the presumptions about music that I had in my head were gone. At that moment, the past remained in the past and all I could see was the future. I could see my hands pressing on the nickel strings, strumming down every single string to create a perfectly harmonious chord. I could see my hand moving slowly up and down the guitar neck, my fingers from fret to fret, playing notes and melodies like I had never imagined. That day I talked to the band director and decided to join the school band. I had never felt more motivated in my life. Little did I know, I was signing myself up for something much more than an extracurricular activity.

When I think back on these memories I cannot help but smile. Picturing the change from who I was before that day to who I am now always makes me giggle. Today, music is my life. It is in everything I do, everything I think, everything I say; it is everything. I'm sure if I could go back in time and visit that little fourth grader and tell him that one day all his dreams would revolve around music, I am sure he would laugh and say "yeah right." Not only was that day the reason I am as a musician, but it also helped create lifetime friendships with my other school band mates. I currently play in a band whose lead singer, funny enough, also signed up for the school band the same day as me. I love to look back at us as little ten year olds learning how to hold a guitar pick, to eighteen year olds composing and recording songs.

Some might say it was just another day in the fourth grade, but I would disagree. To me, it was much more than that. I found a hobby that quickly turned into a passion and I made friendships that are still special to this day, but most importantly, I found my calling, I found music. Through the ups and downs in life, I know that I have something that will bring a smile to my face, a glow to my eye, a burst of excitement through my veins, and I know it will, forevermore.