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Posts by AmberAngel
Joined: Jun 5, 2011
Last Post: Mar 18, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 13  

From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 17
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AmberAngel   
Mar 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / I read the note from my mom;Home alone - essay [4]

Hello ^^
You have a fair bit of grammatical errors, so try to brush up on that.

One day in the morning, I woke up and looked around my house to find my parents, and ask them what are for breakfast. I couldn't find them; I thought they were still sleeping in their bedroom, and then I went into the kitchen to find something to eat. Then I saw on the table there was a note and a plate of food for my breakfast; I read the note from my parents, and it said I have to stay at home alone for two days because they have to go to my aunt house to help her with her wedding party and I was given 300 dollars to get me through these two days. I was so surprised because it is my first time to stay at home alone by myself.

Eating my breakfast, and thinking I'll be fine, that's okay it just only two days, and I can handle all the work I have to do like my mom. After I finished my breakfast, I have to wash the dishes and head to the market to buy groceries for my meals. I went to the market and I was at loss on what to buy for dinner; so I just walk around the market and bought some noodles to make Vietnamese's noodles. I went back to my house to cook dinner. The truth is I don't really know how to make it, I want to ask my mom but I don't have a SIM card in my phone because it broke. I tried going on Google to search for the recipe of the noodles I want to make. After searching for 30 minutes, I was lucky to have found a video that can teach me how to cook it step by step.

This is also my first time I am cooking dinner by myself, so I want it to be look attractive and make sure it taste good, because of that, I watched the video carefully and remember all the steps. After watching the video, I tried to cook the noodles and prepare everything I need to make the noodles. When I was making the noodles, I always remembered about what my mom said when I was watching her cook meals; she said "When we are cooking or making food, we have to think all about love and beautiful things, so our food can be more delicious." So I thought about beautiful things that are in my mind and with all my heart into the noodles that I am trying very hard to make. Finally, my noodles can dessert in 30 minutes after I cooked it;[rephrase] I sat down on the chair and ate my noodles; it tastes good and very delicious. I am so proud of myself, and what my mom have taught me. Suddenly, my doorbell rang, I opened the door and saw my little cousin standing outside, wanting to play with me. He was younger than me, but I'm so happy because I have someone to play with. I shared my noodles with him and playing some games with him. We both played a game called Quick hands, Quick eyes. It is really fun, and it makes me not to feel scared about having to stay home alone.

For a while; I heard something going into my front yard, it sound scary. My cousin and I were quietly creeping into the living room and saw someone looking over my house like they have been drunk. My cousin and I were really scared and cried a little, but we both still look at that person to see what he wants to do. Suddenly, he hit my door and started yelling like a crazy man trying to hit someone. I started to cry, but my cousin did not. He pat me on my shoulder and said "Don't be scare sister, I'll be right here with you."

"Really, thanks." I said with a nervous face. "Why didn't you cry?"
"Hmm, I do not feel scared at all." He said.
Finally the man was walking away. I felt my cousin is my hero that night, and he was strong seen he just my little cousin but he helped me to not be scare and cry.[I don't understand your point.] Next morning, my parents were home soon because they were worry about me and the house. I told them everything happened last night, they were really surprised about my cousin's visitation and happy that we are both safe.

It is my first time I was staying at home alone without my parents, and I was feeling really scared and I really missed my parents when they are gone. However, I learnt how to cook Vietnamese's noodles, and most importantly, to be brave and be strong whenever I feel scared.

Hope this helps!
AmberAngel   
Mar 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Should students be paid for good grades? [5]

Hello ^^
I have an argumentative essay titled 'Should students be paid for getting good grades". Please give some advice in any areas or point out my errors. I am open to all comments since this is my first time doing an argumentative essay. This essay is due soon so I really need help.

English Argumentative Essay - Should kids be paid for good grades?
In childhood, children get a candy for a job well done. In school, students get a treat for a job well done. In society, adults get paid with money for a job well done. However, it seems that students are getting paid for getting good grades lately. Cash incentives are used to motivate students to study harder and achieve better grades. The question now is should students get rewarded with cash for good grades?

Yes, I agree that students can get motivated to study if they are paid for good grades. Providing a monetary reward enables the students to focus and study in class. However, I strongly feel that they should not be paid for their good grades.

One school in Chicago implemented this policy to reward students based on their grades. However, after one year, the school was forced to discontinue this policy due to the lack of funds. Though this policy is effective, it is short- lived; the cost of this policy is not possible for schools to uphold. Some may argue that reducing the amount of cash rewards the students receive would solve the problem. This would also result in the decrease in effectiveness of this policy. As students do not find the cash reward appealing, they would not be motivated to study, which diminishes the purpose of the policy. Thus, this policy would not be sustained for long.

Based on a study made by Massachusetts Institute of Technology, money is not a very effective motivator. If a task is simple, straight forward and involves only mechanical skills; then a higher pay would result in a better performance. However, if the task is complicated that requires conceptual, creative thinking and involves rudimentary cognitive skills; it would not be successful at all. Instead, it would be the complete opposite! Many studies have also proved that recognizing student's accomplishments is the ultimately the best motivator. According to Sylvia Rimm, a child psychologist, consistency plays a much more major role in achievement than money does. For example, top students would also try to maintain their results with consistent effort. Whereas, others who failed give up easily as they find that there is no hope in them getting rewards and compliments. Therefore, money is not a good motivator.

Studying is students' responsibility. Students should study because they want to, not forced to. It is also wrong to lure students into studying by using cash as it gives them an idea that everything revolves around money which is a bitter truth that they are too young to learn. This monetary policy encourages the wrong things. Students may get so caught up in focusing on making more money that they assumed getting good grades is purely for the money and not for learning. Hence, this policy would lose the real purpose of learning in life and also diminishes the purpose of school. Students would lose their interest in learning once the rewards are gone. Moreover, students would not take learning seriously and see not point in learning. Studying benefits one and the good grades one attains would come in handy to land a job and decide one's future. Being paid to study teaches the wrong values to students. They would not be determined to strive harder to get the grades for themselves and not for the money. They would have no sense of satisfaction because all they want is more money. They would lose sight of what really matters.

A science research done by the Royal Society of Art shows that there are three factors that would lead to better personal performance and personal satisfaction. The first factor is autonomy, the desire to be self-directed, to use our judgment and creativity to direct our lives. Second factor is mastery, the urge to excel. People practice and spend time doing things because it is fun and satisfying. Last factor is purpose - a transcendent purpose that goes beyond profit. Students should be motivated by these three factors to achieve better grades.

In conclusion, students should not be paid for getting good grades. In the process, they are being taught the wrong character attributes and confused themselves with what matters and does not matters. Moreover, the policy cannot be sustained due to the lack of funds and studies have also proven that money is a bad motivator.

Thanks for taking you time to read and/or comment!
Bye!
AmberAngel   
Mar 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - 'The importance of games for adults comparing to children' [8]

Hello ^^
I have some suggestions.

they do not spend enough time

For example, in my country, the majority of people with the exception of professional athletes stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job.

Another reason that should be mentioned is adults often do not pursue games as a competitive activity...

they participate in sport events or not

For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and due to her desire to win, she never gives up whenever she faces a difficult situation, or when she gets injured.
AmberAngel   
Mar 17, 2012
Speeches / Speech Competition = Hidden Wonders of The Bahamas [2]

Hello ^^

Instead of 'To the Honorable chair-person, members of the judging panel, and my audience, I say good evening.', maybe you would want to say ' Good evening [name of the honourable chair-person], members of the judging panel and my fellow audience.'.

It is a very nice speech and your vocabulary is strong.
The words used are able to entice me and enable me to create pictures in my mind.
Hence,the interest level is quite high.
you may want to check out this website: simple-fix.blogspot/2007/01/tips-for-giving-good-speech.html
Kudos! Hope this helps you!
AmberAngel   
Feb 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'This crystal is in remembrance of me' - story narration essay [4]

Hello, can anyone help me with this assignment?
Imagine yourself as the narrator of the story. Write paragraphs to continue the story by using both of the plot developing techniques: Twist-in-the-tale and flashback.

Just then, I walked into an unfamiliar room and saw an old dresser with deep drawers, in the corner. I pulled out the first drawer, nearly choking when my tugging released a cloud of anicent dust into the air. I got it out. It was filled with piles of knick-knacks. It certainly does not take a lifetime to accumulate so many unwanted things, I thought.

All the items are covered with a thick jacket of dust, it seemed like no one had touch them for a long while. I spotted a crystal shaped like a star. I gently brushed a facet of the pale yellow crystal, removing the thick layer of dust, emitting a luminous bright light, which glared my eyes. The crystal rested on my palms and my fingers wrapped around it perfectly. I felt a connection with this particular crystal, strange yet comfortable. Somehow, this crystal feels so familiar, so comfortable, like I have held it before. But how is that possible, when I have never been to this place before and this crystal have not been touched by a long time?

Then, it hit me. This crystal was given by her when I was young. The Angel, was what I named her. In my memories, I could only see the blurred image of her. I could not make out the details of her. However, I remember something about her vividly. The last memory I had of her. She said to me, "In my eyes, you're the brightest star, you will achieve great things in life. Follow your path of destiny and never give up. Just know that I will be with you through thick and thin, my love. As long as the skies are blue, the fields are green, I will see you once again. This crystal is in remembrance of me. Don't forget about the good times we had and the memories we created. Just remember that wherever I may be, no matter how far I am, you will be in my heart. Forever. Goodbye, my little one." I watched her walked away, watched her walked out of my life.
AmberAngel   
Feb 7, 2012
Essays / Writing about dolphins and whales using literary devices [8]

[Moved from]: Dolphin / whales shape poem - how to start?

Hello, I have an assignment, I need to write a paragraph about dolphins or whales in a shape of a dolphin or whale or called a shape poem but slightly different. I have some ideas but they are not so good.

1. Write words that describe dolphins or whales such as smart, pretty, elegant.
2. Write a short paragraph about them
If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment.
Thanks in advance:)
AmberAngel   
Feb 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Parents and Teachers play a vital role' - YOUNG HABITS DIE HARD [4]

Hi, i have some suggestions.
On the contrary, when a child adopts good habits such as going to bed early, waking up early, praying, studying, speaks the truth, being punctual, helping the poor and needy and others, he will be able to benefit throughout his whole life.

Indeed, a person endowed with strong will can overcome any bad habits at any point of his/her life. However, prevention is better than cure. Hence, ...

End it with one-sentence conclusion of your essay.
AmberAngel   
Feb 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'created memories playing arcades games' - descriptive essay and my first one [2]

Hi, I have some suggestions.

It was a bright spring day, the blue sky is as clear as crystal. It was a day that one would always remember and never forget.

...couch in my apartment, I began to feel bored...
More excited than I have been in a long time, I rushed out of my apartment, hurried down the stairs and ran over to my car and sat inside. I was overwhelmed with exhaustion but my will was as strong as a wall...

...as if it was about to leap out of my chest...
...the engine roared like a lion...
...most mesmerizing eyes that could even hypnotize the strongest man, with lips as red as a freshly-bloomed rose...
The sounds coming from the popcorn machine...
...and I instantly knew that today would be a day that I would always remembere and never forget.
AmberAngel   
Feb 4, 2012
Essays / Writing about dolphins and whales using literary devices [8]

Hi,
I need help in writing an irony or any other literary devices with the theme, dolphins and whales, for a brochure to educate people about saving them. I know what the devices are but it is hard to create them. I have no idea how to write this, so I need help. It would be good if anyone can give me an idea or example.

I appreciate all comments and/or ideas. Thanks:)
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