Posts by kevman

kevman

Aug 15, 2011

Writing Feedback / Books are not needed because one can read information on computers.agree or disagree [5]

What is up with these horrible essay topics on this site...

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / 'money can't buy happiness' - Is it more important to do work that pays well [6]

Dont use career twice in that first sentence IMO

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: do you agree that technology helps students learn more and faster? [4]

contribute to -- take out 'a' -- better learning ( or add experience at the end)

I believe that correct and productive use of technology

You need to use the spell checker on your computer before you post it here IMO

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Read Elements of Style by Strunck. Wonderful book to improve prose.

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - the government should support the scientific research with no practical use? [5]

For the first paragraph: You should start off with something explaining that even if there is no obvious practical use for the research it doesn't mean that there should be no funding. Then go on listing your examples and saying something about many people thought they these products had no practical use but now we could not consider living without them. blah blah blah.

Over all pretty good. I only read the first two paragraphs though :)

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Undergraduate / "always tell my mother two words" - Personal statement: my struggle with language [4]

First sentence I read I started to doze off. Try something like "Watching the King's Speech I smirked with nostalgia. "He sounds like the British version of you!", Mother smirked."

just an idea for the very start :)

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / Academic writing Ielts: Effects of globalization [5]

"Consequently, for instance,"

Take one of them out. I would take both out I feel those phrases are overused.

I think you could really trim this baby down. From the last paragraph: "In conclusion, from my perspective...". This sounds kind of weird to me.

Also in the last paragraph where is says you think all countries in the world should consider your analysis on globalization? Do you really? Try being honest and using examples. Stop using cliche formulas in your writing and keep things simple.

Just my opinion! Good luck :)

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Undergraduate / (where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay [5]

"the storm clouds started to disperse and a little light shone on college life."

I'm starting to really dislike this sentence.

I don't think it sounds very good. Does anyone have any suggestions of a better metaphor or phase that better encapsulates the feeling of becoming happier after a stint of sadness? Or maybe its finding happiness in a new place? hmm...

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Writing Feedback / "my father whom i respect forever" - The person i would like to be [5]

My only advise is to change the subject. I feel like "The person that i would like to be is my father" is borderline cliche.

I cant think of any suggestions right now sorry!

kevman

Jul 14, 2011

Undergraduate / (where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay [5]

EF_Susan
Hey Susan thanks so much for the comments.

I facepalmed when I saw the pallet mistake!

kevman

Jul 12, 2011

Undergraduate / (where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay [5]

Hello all! Im here to humbly ask for some general comments and perhaps some feed back on my essay. This is for UVA Spring transfer into their College of Arts and Science. Please feel free to say anything my feeling wont get hurt I am just striving to achieve the best essay I can put out. Thank you so much!

The prompt is "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."

Well here it is:

Last spring, I started my new life at University of Mary Washington. The weight of my fathers passing on me was all I could think of. After an inhibiting bought of homesickness passed, the storm clouds started to disperse and a little light shone on college life. I began to love my work, love my grades, and love speaking with professors. The freedom, along with the expectation of maturity, I experienced was foreign. I wasn't working hard because I was pressured and forced but because I truly wanted to. Great relationships took root and sprouted. Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics.

Although I do love UMW, I feel like my pallet is only being teased. I believe that I could grow so much more at UVA both academically and as a person. I have two reasons about my decision to transfer. My first reason is academics. UMW unfortunately does not offer any concentrations with their degrees. UVA's degree in Financial Economics would allow me to study the Economics within a concentration that is more quantitative in nature. I have already started taking relevant coursework at UMW such as Computer Science, and Calculus. By allowing me to attend UVA, I plan to expand my knowledge and skills within Economics and Finance. I want the internship opportunities UVA students have with investment banking firms. I ache for more ambitious peers to work with. I want to be the absolute best I can be academically and I want to do this at UVA.

Accompanying my academic aspirations, are other, more personal agendas. My second reason for transferring, honestly, is that it would make my father proud. He never received a college education yet he always strived for something better and pushed himself. He expected the same thing from me and that is what I intend to do. As you see with my transcript, my high school grades are not up to par with UVA standards. I urge you to see the upward trend I have academically and be assured that it will continue.

I have been successful with my college career so far. I truly want a place where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams and I know UVA is the right environment for me.