Writing Feedback / Society of Notes...revision and comments [NEW]

Last essay, I swear! I'm glad I found this site though, as it's been an invaluable resource. I'm thinking about using this for my commonapp essay, but as it was my first ever college application essay, transition from the normal formalities of a research essay to personal writing style was hard. It's already gone through a lot of revisions, so a few more wouldn't hurt.

Also, would a topic like this be kind of weird for commonapp if I'm mainly applying for engineering/math schools? Would taking the MIT essay and using that in lieu of this be a better alternative, since it doesn't focus on fine arts as much? It's not like I don't excel at music, but it's secondary for me compared to engineering and math. And I'm assuming it's still Gloria, but if you don't know what my other essay was about, it was about how the world I come from was filled with change and ultimately led to my versatility.

Society of Notes

My fingers dance over the tungsten-wound steel strings. Major fifths resonate out into the audience. Whether it's a plastic guitar or a violoncello, I play for myself and everyone out there. The audience doesn't notice the individual notes as they fly by their heads; the music as a whole is what piques their interest. But I can feel their presence, a myriad of pitches swirling into a tune.

Notes and music are like people in this world. Sometimes companies are ignorant of the individuals and only pay attention to results. That is not the way to run society; we must respect each and every person and mold them into their place in society-that is how to maximize performance and results. Similarly, before a piece is performed, each note is painstakingly identified and learned by the performers. Even in a dissonant tune, a wrong note can jeopardize the whole song. Each note is important, and every aspect of the note must be honed to its best-its dynamics, tone, and sound. People are no different.

We each have our own strengths, our weaknesses. Personalities can vary so much, yet we are still part of the music. Music still manages to bind us together, organize us and create works of art. What college we go to is just like what genre of songs one likes; a college might excel in the creation of rap songs, another classic rock. Composers have absolute power to select the notes to be in their songs, but we as notes of the society have the privilege to choose; the decision allow us to branch out and add another layer of depth to our simple pitch.

However, I refuse to leave my opportunity to be part of my favorite song up to chance. Though I am just one note, I am able to become better, improving my tonal quality, acquiring different dynamics and pitches. Through experience, I mature as a note; my successful schoolwork up to now shows potential and a glimpse into the future. As I refine myself, I increase the likelihood to be part of a process that produces harmony from cacophony. I don't want to be any old background note; I strive to be part of the solo. Winning state math contests adds a brighter vibrato; playing soccer gives a deeper, more resonant tone quality. As I form and build upon my own note, I branch out from the mainstream community and pursue the ideal note that rings in my head. College will finalize what I started long ago, adding the finishing touches to my personal note.

In the concert hall that is society, we are all notes waiting to be incorporated into a song. Through college we become refined and worked into songs to be performed to the audience. Institutes arrange our notes: some changed, some thrown out. In the end, however, we are just notes. A singular note isn't going to cut it here; maybe in your high school recitals, but not in a college performance. We have to work together, let the music flow, and give the best performance we can. That doesn't mean one note couldn't stand out more than others in the song. The high note on the scale, the accidentals; all these represent the successful individuals who deserve the attention. Following in their footsteps, I will keep climbing up the fingerboard, striving for the apex of the never-ending scale.

Undergraduate / Interest in math and science essay...caltech [3]

I feel bad for putting up another essay so quickly, but can someone proofread this and give any suggestions? Unlike my previous essay this is perfectly within the limits. I would just like some constructive feedback so I can polish it up in the next few days and send it off. The prompt was "tell us how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science, or engineering." I think my approach would work, but there may be spots that can be made so that it addresses the prompt more.

"Open the door! Ventilate the room!" The fumes of the dry-erase markers were becoming unbearable. A burning, humid summer day and I was spending my time discussing radiation shielding from gamma and cosmic radiation with five other fellow freshmen. An array of diagrams, models, and equations riddled the whiteboard, and I was getting to the point of suggesting using a layer of reinforced concrete as an effective material to shield radiation; however, before I finished, the intoxicating stench drove us out of the cramped, 8'x10' conference room in the library.

What were we doing in the library instead of playing outside? We were working on our project, titled Phoenix Outreach V, for the NASA Space Settlement Contest held annually by NASA Ames Research Center and National Space Society. Student teams of various sizes ranging from one to over ten across grades 6 through 12 pour their hearts and souls into a space settlement proposal. The final report will detail everything from the location and assembly of the station to the government and life support of the colonists. We divided up the work and began our independent research, meeting every few days to discuss and combine our work.

During the summer and even the school year, the public library became a haven for us. Shelves upon shelves of books ranging from pseudo gravity generation to hypothesized plasma shield theories awaited our eager minds. The short, fragile librarian lady who always wore a red knitted sweater became an indispensable ally, reserving conference rooms and helping us find reference material. I spent at least a hundred hours in the library over the summer, researching, reading, and learning orbital mechanics.

Throughout the project, the most challenging aspect was to understand the materials fully and be able to write a specialized report on that subject. Radiation shielding from cosmic radiation, system to recycle oxygen and water, orbital positioning and maintenance of the station were some of my responsibilities, and frankly, they were hard for a ninth-grader to grasp. Having to write meticulously about almost every scenario that could happen and their proper countermeasures from a photovoltaic solar cell malfunction to a collision with an asteroid gave me a chance to experience the depth of the work actually required.

After over a year of hard work, our finished submission was entered in 2006 and won first place internationally among other sixth through ninth graders in the small group division. It was an amazing experience for the work that we spent so much on to be successful and recognized. This was the event that triggered my interest in engineering and aerospace-while I had dreams of becoming an astronaut when I was small like every other kid, this project narrowed my plans for the future to those with math and space.

Every year since, I was part of the Columbia Aeronautics Space Association, our town's small-scale version of NASA. There, I learned to simulate missions and learn hands-on about the design of systems such as thermal control and life support. It's been an invaluable experience for me, and has furthered my interest in aerospace science. I also take university math classes to further my knowledge of physics and engineering. Through opportunities offered at Caltech as well as the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, I could make an impact in the world. Hard work leads to results, and next time, I'll have my own ventilation system in my room.

Undergraduate / MIT World I come from essay - a whirlwind of emotions and cultures [2]

Hey, I've worked on this paper for about a month now, and now I need it cut down. It's at 615 words, and MIT says 500. I looked up some things and people say 580-620 is still fine, but I'd like to be in the mid-500s just to be safe. Also, any revision ideas are welcome, but keep in mind the main focus is to cut out words. Thanks!

Where do I come from? Even now, I have trouble answering that question. The world I come from can be described as a whirlwind of emotions and cultures. Instead of having a concrete neighborhood or town to call home, I've moved so many times that where I come from can't be represented by a singular description-my world was ruled by change. [..]