EF_Team2
Apr 18, 2008
Undergraduate / Humane Environment; Northwestern U TRANSFER/ UNIQUE QUALITIES [2]
Greetings!
You've done great things with your essay! Only a few of the phrases need a little minor adjusting. Beginning with paragraph 1:
"emphasizes" - emphasis
"grandiose" - you might want to look up the definition of this word; I'm not sure it's what you really mean
"But I found myself gradually losing this kind of impulse submerging in the atmosphere of studying for GPA in the university." - But I found this impulse being gradually submerged as I studied hard to keep my GPA high.
"the environment of humane flavor" - the humane environment
"which will take the advantage to soar over" - which will have the advantage of soaring over
"Under my father's influence, an international manager with a finance degree, I have developed a strong interest in this area." - I developed a strong interest in this area under the influence of my father, an international manager with a finance degree.
"about the economic phenomena happening around." - about economic phenomena.
"shocked me by its "invisible" but orderly" - use "their" instead of "its"
"I was began to" - I began to
"to devote to constructing" - to devote myself to constructing
"generations" - generation
"early stage," - early age,
"I have become" - I have been
"orphan" - orphanage
"Therefore I hope to make my own contribution to coordinate the donation festival which could be designed more attracting." - Therefore, I hope to make my own contribution by coordinating the donation festival, which could be more attractively designed.
You have very good, convincing essays. I wish you the best of luck!
Sarah
EssayForum.com
Greetings!
You've done great things with your essay! Only a few of the phrases need a little minor adjusting. Beginning with paragraph 1:
"emphasizes" - emphasis
"grandiose" - you might want to look up the definition of this word; I'm not sure it's what you really mean
"But I found myself gradually losing this kind of impulse submerging in the atmosphere of studying for GPA in the university." - But I found this impulse being gradually submerged as I studied hard to keep my GPA high.
"the environment of humane flavor" - the humane environment
"which will take the advantage to soar over" - which will have the advantage of soaring over
"Under my father's influence, an international manager with a finance degree, I have developed a strong interest in this area." - I developed a strong interest in this area under the influence of my father, an international manager with a finance degree.
"about the economic phenomena happening around." - about economic phenomena.
"shocked me by its "invisible" but orderly" - use "their" instead of "its"
"I was began to" - I began to
"to devote to constructing" - to devote myself to constructing
"generations" - generation
"early stage," - early age,
"I have become" - I have been
"orphan" - orphanage
"Therefore I hope to make my own contribution to coordinate the donation festival which could be designed more attracting." - Therefore, I hope to make my own contribution by coordinating the donation festival, which could be more attractively designed.
You have very good, convincing essays. I wish you the best of luck!
Sarah
EssayForum.com