Nnennej
Nov 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'parents that care about my education' Someone that has made an impact on your life [2]
You need to do something about your introduction
You need to do something about your introduction
Nnennej
Nov 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'run like a winner' - UC prompt #2 for UCLA [13]
It is nice but you have to work on the grammar your conclusion does not really go with the body of the essay
It is nice but you have to work on the grammar your conclusion does not really go with the body of the essay
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I learned how to interact with other workers.' - Rutgers Essay [4]
The first paragraph was nice. But you are listing your exrea curr. activities and explaining. If you must do that,you need transition sentences, and a mind blowing conclusion!
The first paragraph was nice. But you are listing your exrea curr. activities and explaining. If you must do that,you need transition sentences, and a mind blowing conclusion!
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I come from a dangerous neighborhood in South Central LA' - UC prompt #1 [5]
Wow,This is a really nice essay.Very interesting life story.
However,you have to add depth to your sentences. make the reader feel your struggle. You forgot to tell me how your world shaped you? Did you react positively or negatively to this experience? ..You can talk about how it made you stronger .Explain how college would help you?
I love how you conveyed your story.
and the essay topic is "describe your world and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations" right?
Wow,This is a really nice essay.Very interesting life story.
However,you have to add depth to your sentences. make the reader feel your struggle. You forgot to tell me how your world shaped you? Did you react positively or negatively to this experience? ..You can talk about how it made you stronger .Explain how college would help you?
I love how you conveyed your story.
and the essay topic is "describe your world and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations" right?
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'A citizen in the City of Buffalo' + 'I want to become a Politician' - UC essays [4]
Being a citizen in the City of Buffalo does not exactly draw envy from outsiders. Also, identifying as a student in the Buffalo Public City School District is similar tp having the title of an unemployed citizen.
It is really nice but you can elimante a few sentences and explain more.
Also you need a stronger conclusion.
I love the essays overall.
Goodluck:)
Being a citizen in the City of Buffalo does not exactly draw envy from outsiders. Also, identifying as a student in the Buffalo Public City School District is similar tp having the title of an unemployed citizen.
It is really nice but you can elimante a few sentences and explain more.
Also you need a stronger conclusion.
I love the essays overall.
Goodluck:)
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Northern India, the birthplace of my parents' - where I come from UC personal [5]
Children study,yet...
But ,That all changed the day I learnt my grandma had suffered from a stroke,which caused her paralysis
but in an underdeveloped country like India, Proper care could not be given to her due to the poor and corrupt health care system. My grandma was robbed of the care that many others get, which augmented the damage she had been afflicted.
I think you should use your grandma's experiebce after explaining what happened with your dad to add depth.
Then you can add this line :This inspired me to pursue a career that would help people,So know one has to experience the struggle I went through
My desire is to reach out to the people that have been left in the dark , those people that were left helpless because of hardships. I want to be empowered with the knowledge to reach out and make a difference. I want to be exposed to things that will help me find my way to fulfilling my dreams;(state our dreams). Education will be the megaphone that will help me project my voice around the world. Starting in my small California city I aim to elucidate to others that there are so many health-related options we have and how to use them to their advantage. Combined with my motivation to help others along with my leadership skills I will complete my aspirations to help alleviate those that are afflicted by maladies and unawareness.---to wordy
A really nice essay,just work on the conclusion. gooodluck:)
Children study,yet...
But ,That all changed the day I learnt my grandma had suffered from a stroke,which caused her paralysis
but in an underdeveloped country like India, Proper care could not be given to her due to the poor and corrupt health care system. My grandma was robbed of the care that many others get, which augmented the damage she had been afflicted.
I think you should use your grandma's experiebce after explaining what happened with your dad to add depth.
Then you can add this line :This inspired me to pursue a career that would help people,So know one has to experience the struggle I went through
My desire is to reach out to the people that have been left in the dark , those people that were left helpless because of hardships. I want to be empowered with the knowledge to reach out and make a difference. I want to be exposed to things that will help me find my way to fulfilling my dreams;(state our dreams). Education will be the megaphone that will help me project my voice around the world. Starting in my small California city I aim to elucidate to others that there are so many health-related options we have and how to use them to their advantage. Combined with my motivation to help others along with my leadership skills I will complete my aspirations to help alleviate those that are afflicted by maladies and unawareness.---to wordy
A really nice essay,just work on the conclusion. gooodluck:)
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Scholarship / 'dreamed of making a difference in this world' - Scholarship Application [4]
Yes that is a bit tricky, you just have to relate your love for English to Political Science, maybe you can talk about how you do not like your country's political system or how they fail to give less privileged an opportunity for education(relate to english)
I hope that helps, I am also trying to write my personal statements.
Just brain storm ,and try and view your essay from an admission's office point of view. Gooodluck!!!
Yes that is a bit tricky, you just have to relate your love for English to Political Science, maybe you can talk about how you do not like your country's political system or how they fail to give less privileged an opportunity for education(relate to english)
I hope that helps, I am also trying to write my personal statements.
Just brain storm ,and try and view your essay from an admission's office point of view. Gooodluck!!!
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Scholarship / How to put this idea in better words (about why is like this subject) [3]
Make the starting interesting like "I can never forget the disappointment the day I saw an E on my report card" ...then you can go on to explain how this failure made you work harder and be specific about the fields.
Make the starting interesting like "I can never forget the disappointment the day I saw an E on my report card" ...then you can go on to explain how this failure made you work harder and be specific about the fields.
Nnennej
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Would You Ever Eat a Guinea Pig? - A college essay for Rutgers [2]
You did not answer the essay prompt at all. it seems like you are telling a story,which is okay,but your essay is too wordy.
You did not answer the essay prompt at all. it seems like you are telling a story,which is okay,but your essay is too wordy.
Nnennej
Nov 15, 2011
Scholarship / 'dreamed of making a difference in this world' - Scholarship Application [4]
Hey I liked it a lot,However the conclusion does not relate to the rest of the story.I think you should delete a few sentences from each paragraph,I got lost sometimes. Overall I really like it
Hey I liked it a lot,However the conclusion does not relate to the rest of the story.I think you should delete a few sentences from each paragraph,I got lost sometimes. Overall I really like it
Nnennej
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I'm capable not only of surviving in any environment' - UC Essay, topic 1 [6]
you need to cut out a lot of words,It way to long, That was the only thing I could think of but the thesis is really good. You just have to cut out some words
you need to cut out a lot of words,It way to long, That was the only thing I could think of but the thesis is really good. You just have to cut out some words
Nnennej
Oct 10, 2011
Undergraduate / UC 'passion for medicine' - aspirations and dreams [3]
I love the essay, I am thinking of a correction but I can't think of any. You did a fairly good job,Please critique mine too
But I think you should give it to someone that is well versed in English to further proofread it for you.I also think you should make it more interesting but just a line or two to grasp the reader's attention again in the middle will be great
I love the essay, I am thinking of a correction but I can't think of any. You did a fairly good job,Please critique mine too
But I think you should give it to someone that is well versed in English to further proofread it for you.I also think you should make it more interesting but just a line or two to grasp the reader's attention again in the middle will be great
Nnennej
Oct 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My ethnicity is Egyptian' - Inspiration Has Arrived [4]
It is way too long and you need to include more details about yourself.The admission office wants to know about your world but they mostly care about you!Think about how your world has impacted you. I am having problems coming up with a succinct essay for this prompt too
It is way too long and you need to include more details about yourself.The admission office wants to know about your world but they mostly care about you!Think about how your world has impacted you. I am having problems coming up with a succinct essay for this prompt too
Nnennej
Oct 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Northern India, the birthplace of my parents' - where I come from UC personal [5]
I love the idea but remove the etc at the end.
I also think you should organize the paragraphs and restate the thesis in your conclusion. The question is not properly answered but I love the essay.I have already learnt somethings about you by reading it. I think you should give it to an english teacher to further proodread for you. I did the same essay myself:)
I love the idea but remove the etc at the end.
I also think you should organize the paragraphs and restate the thesis in your conclusion. The question is not properly answered but I love the essay.I have already learnt somethings about you by reading it. I think you should give it to an english teacher to further proodread for you. I did the same essay myself:)
Nnennej
Oct 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Dislike for Blood' - UC prompt 2 [3]
Thanks I will re-write it and post a link to you. I was also scared that it might be a bit too long.its a little over 500 words
Thanks I will re-write it and post a link to you. I was also scared that it might be a bit too long.its a little over 500 words
Nnennej
Oct 10, 2011
Undergraduate / "Across Iowa" - Common App Personal [3]
Wpah really nice topic. I tried to learn as much as I could about you. From what I read on here I learnt theat you like riding bikes, you appreciate family time, hard working and enjoy life's simple pleasures. But I think the ending should be more profound. Loved the idea over all. But what was the essay topic?
Wpah really nice topic. I tried to learn as much as I could about you. From what I read on here I learnt theat you like riding bikes, you appreciate family time, hard working and enjoy life's simple pleasures. But I think the ending should be more profound. Loved the idea over all. But what was the essay topic?
Nnennej
Oct 9, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Dislike for Blood' - UC prompt 2 [3]
Tell us about a personal quality,talent,accomplishment,contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
okay so I;m not sure if this exactly answers this question,its a rough draft. I need help please :)
My Dislike for Blood
Most Nigerian parents tend to want their children to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer probably because they think it will bring financial security in the future. My grandma's vision for me was not any different. She often boasted to her friends in Igbo about her granddaughter who would be a doctor in the future. I shared the same vision with her before the summer 0f 2009 when I had my first non-paid job.
I remember being overly excited when I found out I was accepted to work in the Reddington hospital in Lagos, Nigeria. The day before my five days long internship at the Redding ton hospital I meticulously arranged my bag, packed my lunch and carefully ironed about five cooperate outfits that would made me look older than fifteen. Like every new challenge in my life, I couldn't wait to get started. I was assigned to assist the lab technician as my teacher recommended I was always eager to help people, But my mentor blessed me with the opportunity to watch a live C-Section. I was joyous, I imagined I was the doctor and I was actually going to help deliver the baby. As my mentor gave me my scrubs she said she admired my exhilaration, but I should brace myself, I ignored her and quickly changed and took pictures; I thought about the pictures I would later send to Facebook and the exciting entry I would write in my journal.
I can never forget the quirky feeling of fear and amazement I felt the first time I saw the red matter that gushed out from the patient's stomach as the doctor slit the woman's belly and the blue-ish bundle of joy that lay beneath it . I thought about how I would be doing that in a matter of years. There was just something about blood that made me feel uncertain. "Do I really want to be doing this", I asked myself. As I closed my eyes I imagined how disappointed my grandma would be and I felt a sense of failure, I thought about all the people I wouldn't be able to help and how I would never be able to give my grandma the free healthcare she dreamed about.
Even if I couldn't stand blood.I didn't let that define me. I would forever remember the time I spent working in Reddington as not only one of the exciting things that happened to me but as an experience that redefined my purpose in life. I realized that as much as I love helping people and caring for people,I don't want to be a doctor. That moment of uncertainty helped me realize that I didn't have to live up to someone's expectation, It helped me take control of my life and gave way for to focus on my other passions in life like how I want to help find solutions to the environmental problems my home country Nigeria faces and my love for story telling.
Tell us about a personal quality,talent,accomplishment,contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
okay so I;m not sure if this exactly answers this question,its a rough draft. I need help please :)
My Dislike for Blood
Most Nigerian parents tend to want their children to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer probably because they think it will bring financial security in the future. My grandma's vision for me was not any different. She often boasted to her friends in Igbo about her granddaughter who would be a doctor in the future. I shared the same vision with her before the summer 0f 2009 when I had my first non-paid job.
I remember being overly excited when I found out I was accepted to work in the Reddington hospital in Lagos, Nigeria. The day before my five days long internship at the Redding ton hospital I meticulously arranged my bag, packed my lunch and carefully ironed about five cooperate outfits that would made me look older than fifteen. Like every new challenge in my life, I couldn't wait to get started. I was assigned to assist the lab technician as my teacher recommended I was always eager to help people, But my mentor blessed me with the opportunity to watch a live C-Section. I was joyous, I imagined I was the doctor and I was actually going to help deliver the baby. As my mentor gave me my scrubs she said she admired my exhilaration, but I should brace myself, I ignored her and quickly changed and took pictures; I thought about the pictures I would later send to Facebook and the exciting entry I would write in my journal.
I can never forget the quirky feeling of fear and amazement I felt the first time I saw the red matter that gushed out from the patient's stomach as the doctor slit the woman's belly and the blue-ish bundle of joy that lay beneath it . I thought about how I would be doing that in a matter of years. There was just something about blood that made me feel uncertain. "Do I really want to be doing this", I asked myself. As I closed my eyes I imagined how disappointed my grandma would be and I felt a sense of failure, I thought about all the people I wouldn't be able to help and how I would never be able to give my grandma the free healthcare she dreamed about.
Even if I couldn't stand blood.I didn't let that define me. I would forever remember the time I spent working in Reddington as not only one of the exciting things that happened to me but as an experience that redefined my purpose in life. I realized that as much as I love helping people and caring for people,I don't want to be a doctor. That moment of uncertainty helped me realize that I didn't have to live up to someone's expectation, It helped me take control of my life and gave way for to focus on my other passions in life like how I want to help find solutions to the environmental problems my home country Nigeria faces and my love for story telling.
