Thank to my gene, I have a pair of keen eyes to find problems in my life as well a sound creative mind to solve them.
My mother is an excellent diagnostician with ultrasonic in the biggest hospital in Tangshan. On average, there are 60 to 80 patients needing my mother's examination per day. Sometimes, it is hard to find fat patience illness for the thick axunge. To get a clearer picture to diagnose their problems, my mother sometimes needs to maintain a same gesture for quite a long period that her body will find reluctant to take and push patients' body with much effort. So, when she finishes work, her carpus would be stiff and inflexible and this made me worried a lot. At the right time, I just learnt about mechanics in physics. Then a mechanical arm to push instead of my mother came into my mind. I began to study on inventing it to make my mother's work easier.
I asked my physics teacher if my idea was possible. His words encouraged me a lot, "Of course, it is possible, only if you have a general idea. But it won't come true until you have a specific plan." I looked through kinds of physics books to look for the samples of different machines. After some study, I decided to take advantage of hydraulic pressure to make a tool as the probe. Then I made a design drawing and showed it to my mother. She liked it very much and said one of her patient is a medical treatment engineer who can help me to turn the design to be true. Next, I worked with the engineer to make the model at every weekend. My mom proved it was really helpful, but it's not convenient as we expected since it cannot turn directions. It would take time to restart it while changing directions. So we added a direction roller on the connection between the mechanical arm and the probe. Finally it showed that my machine worked effectively after several successful trails. I was so proud of it because it can help my mom and others with the same work.
I consider myself a perfectionist. When I am confronted with problems, I would try my very best to work it out. When I get an idea, it just like to conceive a baby, I would sacrifice whatever it would cost regardless of the pain in previous ten months. I am born to run and run like a winner. Personally, the world's development depends on those like me, who would take challenge to create something new to solve current problems.
your essay is excellent, however, try to avoid some grammar mistakes, especially tenses
good luck
( I'm aiming for ucla too )
Deligently done, work more on your grammer.
Thanks
It is nice but you have to work on the grammar your conclusion does not really go with the body of the essay
^exactly
I am not sure but "Next, I worked with the engineer to make the model at every weekend." wouldnt it be Next i worked with the engineer every weekend to make the model.??
I agree with most of them that your essay is well written but you got to be consistent in your tense.
Also the last paragraph does not fit in. Try not to use the conceiving baby analogy which can sound weird. You may rewrite it focusing on your creativeness and how does it make you a good candidate for UCLA and the program you are applying.
Just my two cents.
If you have time, please help mine as well.
thank you
it's really not proper to compare it with having a baby, I would rewrite my conclusion
I'll look at yours soon, :D
it's very interesting. I think you have great chances.
Good luck in your endeavour
thank you
This has to be one of the better essays ive read. Everything seems to be in order but I would recommend you go over it a couple more times to see if you can find anymore mistakes. Hope that helps. Good luck :)
the essay is well written except for a few grammar mistakes. although in the conclusion i felt as if you were writing about your self alot almost as bragging or just being to upfront. try to mix it into the other paragraphs so you wont have a paragraph where your just telling us who and what you are capable. try to convince instead... soory for being harsh :p..but good luck with the college. im trying to apply to ucla for film, even tho im in new york.lol
Very good attention grabber to start out your essay! Like everyone else said, just work on the grammar errors because overall it's a well written essay.
